Fountain Of Youth

I Already know I'm slacking cause I was supposed to have been blogging. But I haven't been blogging because my birthday is coming and I've been putting all my focus in that. Getting older is difficult for some. But for a long time I've been looking forward to it. I'll be 21 this year. Now granted that is nowhere near old and there's a lot of different reasons why I should be excited about that but the main reason is because I am now able to be recognized as an official adult in society. I have worked very hard for my life and in my mind this birthday reflects that. I never understood why people dreaded their birthdays so much. People associate  being old with being feeble and therefore unable to live life the way they once had. But I don't believe that to be true, you're only as young as you let yourself believe you are. Age is relative. A lot of people say silly things like "1 year old is one year closer to death" or "the older you get the more you lose". The way I see it  anyone can die at any time. No one should let the fear of death stop them from doing anything they believe it is important. in my humble opinion I believe it doesn't make sense to be afraid of something that is inevitable. So instead of fearing one should be rejoicing.  Every birthday is a small victory, a stepping stone  toward ones ultimate goal. Everyone is so used to looking for the answer , an easy fix to aging. No one realizes that the secret to staying younger isn't in any advertisement nor commercial.  Youth itself lies within the human spirit and the will to stay active healthy and happy. Nothing more nothing less. So if you are searching for some sort  of an answer , look within yourself first.

Exhausted

Apparently no good deed goes unpunished. The irony in that saying itself is enough to drain my essence and leave me empty. Considering that I'm a good person and I act as such, even to people who don't deserve it, I'd like to believe there is some divine justice. That all the genuinely evil people will be  severely punished for all the harm they've caused but no one can confirm that with absolute certainty. That tires me out. It's so difficult holding moral grounding staying kind without an agenda. Even more so being honest without malice to those who don't even deserve a sincere smirk. Keeping up niceseties  with people who make you mad enough to spit is a noble feat indeed. And oh yes, I'm well aware of the fact that compassion leads to a happiness that is nourishment to the soul.As well as the notion that treating others how you would like to be treated adds longevity to the lifespan.  But sometimes, and only sometimes I wish the good guys didn't have to wait for the very last minute of the very last hour during the very last day to see the plentiful reaps of the positivity sowed. I guess I wish there was an  instant app  that can help all the good and patient warm hearted people receive swift and reasonable justice. Because waiting around for a wrongdoer to come take responsibility for his or her actions can be exhausting too. Especially when you know that'll never happen anyway.  Well-meaning individuals,  need to make a comeback because  nice guys finishing  last is so played out. To be frank, the whole ideal of it is just enough to make me question humanity, or rather the lack thereof.

While We Are Sleeping

Dreams are very mystifying things. No one knows exactly why we dream, how they come about and how scientific things like REM sleep really apply to them. Apparently though dreams are a subconscious reality of sorts. The weird thing about it all is  you only have two solid options when it comes to dreaming. Either you remember everything you dreamt up that night, or you remember nothing at all. Yet and still you are left with that nagging twilight zone-y feeling that something you dreamt about was worth remembering. Most of the time I remember what I dream about when I sleep, it's been that way for me since I was a teeny tiny little girl and trust and believe it is not always a good thing. But last night for the first time since umm, ever I can't seem to remember what I dreamt about. Eerily enough though I DO remember how I felt during the dream and how ever disturbed that may be it gives me a tiny peace of mind. Honestly I believe that how you felt during a dream is just as important what happened in the  dream itself. Because we all know dream plot is relative but emotions always seem to tell the genuine story. So I guess that would be interesting to think about the next time someone is about to put their head to a pillow. One never really knows the kind of things they actually keep  inside until the digging begins. Really enlightening to see how deceitful we humans can be, especially to ourselves.

Prioritize

Okay so it seems like everyone has something to say about all the drama on social media these days. If it's not about Solange going all 'Love And Hip Hop Atlanta' on Hov then  it's T.I. and Apollo's Twitter Pow-Wow. Even going as far as broadcasting Miley and her #SubNation to Liam, alledgedly speaking of course because she shortly after took to twitter for the disclaimer. Honestly as entertaining as all of this nonsense is there are bigger things happening in the world. Just earlier today I went to Facebook and expressed exactly that:

'I'm done. People sitting here like "Imma pray for Bey and the family" THEY are fine. THEY are not in crisis nor danger. Ya'll better stop playing and send those prayers to the 200+ girls we don't have in safety yet. Smh. Come On Now.  #ThatIsREALCrisis #BringBackOurGirls'

I stand behind my sentiments because why is it that most know more about the antics of the famous then about the heartening things that ACTUALLY MATTER. Granted 200+ girls being kidnapped in their own country while ours stares them down trying to figure the whole mess out isn't the sexy skeevy announcements we are accustomed to. But maybe that is because we are giving too much time to the wrong type of news. If we as a people worked as hard to keep tabs on important things as we do  Miley's selfies the world would be a better place to live in. Figure out what's really nesscessary and choice that to stand by that. That way you can be a person with integrity and possibly influence others to follow suit.

Farce

Being lied to is always the ultimate betrayal. Or at least part of it because every genuinely sick, evil or hurtful thing anyone has ever done has stemmed from a lie they claimed to be able to control at some point. Honesty is the most important part of any relationship and without it whatever relationship you think you're apart of essentially doesn't exist. The reason it is so detrimental to remain honest is not because of any "golden rule" it's simply because honesty is easier to keep up with. Once someone  tells a lie they have to continuously string out a saga  of lies to support the one they began with. If you really care about someone, there is never any reason to hide. Be open. Be real. Express yourself. If someone is giving you their all ,communicating sharing giving unconditional attention and all you can give is a farce of yourself then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. Or any relationship at all for that matter. Honesty is love and no-one wants a lop-sided lover. If you're putting up with  any variation of that then maybe it's time to reevaluate and visit the notion that maybe it is best to be alone that to tolerate that kind of hurt.

M.O.M.

Hey guys sorry I haven't blogged in so long I 've been  mentally disoriented due to family business and I needed to take time to get my self together. You know, Shit happens. Ironically enough I'm blogging on Mother's Day as a way to "throw the rest of it up"  figuratively speaking. Many people on Mother's Day take the time out to show their mother's their appreciation.  To give gratitude where it is due. Most mothers will  do and have done anything  to make their  child happy and ensure to them that they are loved. According to my research there are a couple different definitions of the word mother. Number one: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. Number two: That which has produced or nurtured anything. Well in my case, the first definition is more accurate because "nurturing"  me isn't part of my mother's agenda. It is the general assumption that all mother's are wonderful and sacrifice so much for their children but it's due time for society to realize their are some shitty mom's out there. Now I could sit here and claim that my mother, although not perfect did the best she could with my siblings and I. I could say although she's hurt and disappointed me too many times to count that I still have hope that one day we will be able to coexist peacefully together and have the relationship I've always wanted without any underlying "snake in the grass" hidden agenda. I could say all of that but I made a promise to my readers from the very beginning that I would remain as honest as possible. So to avoid being a liar, I won't say that. MY mother is Master Of Masochism  because she has a Manic Oppression-type Mentality and has a habit of unapologetically violating anyone who doesn't share her views on whoever she dislikes at the moment. She is obsessive compulsive and bipolar so even when she is nice you have to walk on thin ice because any tiny misstep and that can change in a hot second. For a long time even after my mother decided she'd had enough of me and decided it was best I see how life was on my own at the end of my teenage years, I still wanted to be around her, talk to her and have her accept and possibly, finally love me the way she convinced everyone else she's had. And for a long time even after being tossed aside like yesterday's trash, I still played the role of the dutiful daughter. And time and time again I realized I was only being used, only considered "daughter" when it was convenient and or beneficial to her needs. And after the heartbreak of being disowned and ignored it occurred to me that for quite some time , I was being duped. I now understand that even though my Mother may not be the most evil person in the world , like Hitler or Osama or some shit but I do know that  she is pestilence for my mental and emotional psyche. As much as I may want things to be different I know that any genuine change is a far cry away. Maybe one day in the far future, things will be healthier but even then I'll  want to keep my distance just to keep my sanity because  my mother is good at many things but  Mostly Orchestrating Madness which is why I took the time, blog free to let it all sink in. I will never let anyone make light of my emotions and treat my spirit recklessly ever again, never again will I let anyone tell me I'm making Mountains Outta Molehills.

Oceans

No matter how much you love someone you cannot force them to love you the way you believe you deserve to be loved. The person you love can walk out on you today and you most likely would cross oceans to get them back.  That doesn't automatically imply that they would do the same for you if the roles were reversed. You could walk away from the person you love for whatever period of time you choose and they would have the stonewalled capabilities to treat the matter as of you were going to the store. Unfazed. Nonchalant. Aloof. If that's the case its probably because the person you're with takes you for granted. Or doesn't believe that you will ever be truly absent from his or her life. Personally I believe that is a foolish way to think because the more you try to maintain the cool calm exterior to show you don't care about what happens in your particular relationship, the more your beloved will actually believe you could care less. And that never ends positively. As strong as your love may be for a person do not try to paint a new picture over the true colors they show. Because that will only make things worse for your heart in the long run. All I can really say is sometimes treating people how you WOULD LIKE to be treated is not always the best way because in that case one person will always be treated kinder within the relationship. Sometimes its more effective to treat people EXACTLY how they treat you and if they question it, turn the mirror back in their direction, metaphorically speaking. If someone is not willing to show how much they love and care for you when one foot is out the door then they must not care as much as you thought they did initially. Not to sound cynical but if the person you love really loves you back when distress is voiced they will take the necessary steps to quell that voice.

Gross

Being sick is gross. The stuffy nose, the excessive sweating, the achy joints and muscles, just eww. But perhaps the worst parts of being sick are the diziness and the nausea. Like it's bad enough your head is swirling and throbbing, having your innards on washing machine mode just adds insult to injury. Heaven forbid you vomit. I hate the fact that being sick has the power to mess up a person's whole outlook on themselves as well as others.When ones health is up to par good energy is spread from within that person to everyone around them. I see that as an overall delight.  But when some poor unlucky individual is under the weather and miserable the best thing to do would just be move right out of the way. Less for the sake of contagiousness and more due to the power of transference of emotions. Now overall, I would consider myself a decent human being but when sick, the me people have come to love is hardly present. Physical pain is enough to make Mother Teresa evil. Like the saying saying goes "Misery loves company" so unless prepared to be in dreadful dreary company,steer clear. In all truth, I do believe there is an important justification as to why people get sick. And even though I don't know exactly what that justification is I, believe that without getting sick people wouldn't appreciate would being well feels like. Sickness is imperative for the dynamic of life I guess. Or at least I hope so cause this feeling like crap for no divine reason thing, is not going to work for me. Not even a little bit.

Blood's for Veins, Water's for Survival

From practically birth we are taught that family is everything, that the bloodline of which you are born into triumphs all. We are branded with the belief that anyone who isn't present or "in good standing" with their family must not be a good person. Because everyone is  supposed to be there for  family because you only get one, right?  And besides, "Blood is thicker than Water." Well I agree, family is important. You are supposed to be there for you family, just not at the expense of losing and/or neglecting ones own needs and desires. I love my family immensely but I learned recently that loving them from far doesn't make me a horrid person. I learned that sometimes not being around someone is a concrete way of showing that love. Loving someone in your family from a distance, giving yourself permission not to always be there, is not a showing of ungratefulness or  lack of loyalty or even disrespect, sometimes letting go and/or stepping back is the best way to say I love you. Especially when you find that your beloved family takes pieces of you with their actions that they cannot return. Distance from that kind of hurt can be a simple grasp at sanity. And no-one  likes a lost mind. I also  have come to know that you don't only have one family. There's the one you are obligated to, by DNA I'm assuming, and there is the one you create and love by choice. I personally feel that that second family is the most beneficial and spiritually healing of the two. Alright now, don't make faces, just think about it. A group of strangers who don't know you from a hole in the wall come into your life and impact it in such a way that you cannot imagine life without them. They may not  know everything about you immediately but as one of my beautiful, non-biological sisters said to me a short time ago , "Time is a funny gift no doubt". And in time, those people, those strangers can come to know you better than you know yourself. There is something to be said for loving someone so deeply, so freely, so viscerally that even blood couldn't make you any closer. In my mind it is a profound paradise to have a wonderful cluster of ladies and some guys who love me in such a way. Not because some aunt at some reunion told them we were family but because when they look into my eyes or hear my voice,my laugh or even my cry the first thing they can think of is home. That my friends, a blessing. A world where giving someone the option to hurt you, but relying on them not to, where looks are conversations and obligation is replaced with "just because" that is the world my family, the one I choose, who chose me right back, exists. I only hope that everyone's version  of family can thrive in that world one day, until then, inhale,exhale and good luck.