Hitchhikers To Asshole Central

It frustrates the shit  out of me when the universe fixes itself in such a way that it constantly feels like my words fall on deaf ears. To make matters worse, the deaf ears my words usually fall on are attached to the heads of some of the people I care for most. I've never hidden or falsified my struggle in any way shape or form. I am a VERY self aware, intuned , emotional being and it's extremely difficult to quell whatever fun little feelings I encounter during the day, no matter how harsh they can turn out to be.  Saying that, I'm putting sole emphasis on the fact that when something doesn't sit right with me, or if I'm in a shitty frame of mind I make it known, when asked. So if one were to ask me how I am and I respond with something along the lines of "It's really a rough one today" or "I am emotionally struggling at the moment" or "I'm not my best, physically"  That is me letting them KNOW that dealing with me in this mindframe is wholeheartedly THEIR choice. Along with the notion that choosing to do so, should result in the complete ABSENCE of ALL stress, pain, and emotion provoking fuckery. Simply because, everything my body deals with on the daily basis is already overwheming enough. Extra stress is not only unhealthy but emotionally taxing. Therefore, making the concious choice to communicate with me, whilst knowing I am not at my best waaay beforehand, and creating the most unbearable emotional enviroment, whether it be for humor's sake or for the thrill of it is NEVER OKAY. Contentedly deciding to evoke the most agigating, stressful emotions possible in a person, who  made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that they just can't deal at the moment is beyond fucked up. One may feel like a trip to Idiot HumorVille by way of the Petty Train Express seems like a good idea, it's really not though. Not when person they chose to ride the train for can't bare the emotional weight. That's just being a fuckhead, joke or no joke. People need to learn how to better be intuned. With themselves as well as those they(alledgedly) care for. You never know when a person may just need a high hearty dosage of TLC (not the R&B group either.) Seriously though, some people are just really really REALLY hurting and they tell people so they can be recieved with warmth and love, not petty, argumentative, humorless bullshit. That's how the pain of those who struggle daily,  escalates. Be kind to people. You really never know  what demons they are fighting bravely to keep at bay.

Patience

10 days. 10 days it took me to get my equilibrium back after the loss of my dear friend Lawrence. In the midst of these 10 days I have enjoyed the red  and  pinks  of Valentine's Day, basked in the gratefulness that tends to overwhelm me on my older brother's birthday, the day after. Made it my business to use my building gym, while simultaneously thinking about what it takes to be permanently happy all the time. My mind was in that direction because I want happiness to be included in my everyday life. That's not to say that I'm miserable all the time or pessimistic, nor do I hate life. I also don't intend to live unrealistically, and expect everything to be absolutely perfect. My intention is just to make sure that  that everyday that I experience, I want to find a lot of wonderful things hidden in it. That one happiness to be so consistent in my life well its not even called happiness anymore but rather "Zae's personality." Granted that's not always easy for me, especially since the situations in my life tend to have the flair the dramatic. Lately though, things have been really coming along for me personally. I've been blossoming or "glo'n up" in such massive ways. Starting to update, my wardrobe, as well as my make up haul. (I'm SUCH a lipstick junkie) Taking care of my skin AND hair (Cocunut Oil Over Everything) and my body is slowly tightening up in all of it's juicy glory. I only truly want my emotions, to reflect my physical progress. It'll all come together though, in due time.

Target.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to make any more friends because I don't wan't to lose any more people. Sometimes, I feel like as much as I love children, I don't want to be a mother. I'm afraid my black baby's life won't matter, and that the  permanent target he/she  born with on his/her back will be too bright to miss.  Last night, someone very near and dear to my heart was killed by a cop. His name was Lawrence but I called him Lottie. We went to middle school together, he was a bit of a knucklehead. I always had my head in a book so naturally, I adored him.  He was my chocolate brown, always down, BK clown. The DMX to my Aaliyah. We had a bit of puppy love, but beyond that he was my friend. One of the best.  He looked out for me. He was Brooklyn bred, with the aura to match. He showed it to everybody, but mostly me. Even as we got older, graduated, middle school, graduated high school started college we always kept in touch. His parents died in the middle of 8th grade, so he,  (along with his toddler siblings) was left in the care of his ederly grandmother. As time went on though, she got older and Lottie needed to take care of her, as well as his siblings. Which he did,  proudly, without complaint. Even when I got sick, he was one of the first people to ask me if I needed anything. He always took the time out of his week just to see if I was ok.  Waay back, in school, he was actually one of the first people to tell me that I had any talent, writing wise. Lottie was a very smart young man, he just made many self sabotaging decisions. Like going to college and getting his pre law degree but not going to Law School because according to him "the money was to slow" and "leaving the kids ain't an option". The cop that killed my dear, dear friend probably saw him as a thug, with temper problems and no future. Lottie was, Lottie IS so much more than that.  Lottie is a black young man, who took pride in his ability to provide for his family. He is educated and caring and kind and loving. And now Lottie is dead. By no fault of his own. My heart is broken, because I can't do anything but tell his story and make sure people know, there was more to him then the snapback, jordans and True Religion jeans he was killed in. Lottie was a HUMAN BEING, and to have him snuffed out by some dirty cop with a God-complex, is something I will NEVER forgive, NOR "get over." I'll miss him, simply because I loved his heart. Still do. Always will. I can only hope that with time I'll gain understanding and clarity. That peace will return to me once again, so the grief won't feel so overwhelming. Until then, I will mourn hard, and analyze hard and remember hard, so that the murder of my friend Lawrence, will have a purpose.

Unapologetic.

Okay so, let's do this because I could seriously sit here and go off about this video all day long. Beyoncè's 'Formation' video is everything. I don't even know what I like most.  Is it the fact that she silence the naysayers about the Illuminati bullshit? I like that. Simply on the strength that she's conveying that as a black celebrity, devil worshipping is not the way she got her success.  I don't know why the common consensus is anyone with color to their skin that has made a life for themselves in a major way has to be doing something extra. Other than just freaking working hard, being diligent as well as precise about every decision that they make. I'm glad she said that, definitely. Let's talk about how HARD she  represented the Black Lives Matter Movement.  Please can we talk about that? That was so imperative. Ingenious too, because one can't avoid the movement if it's smack dab in front of their face  a Beyoncè video. Ain't no "All Lives Matter" bih!!  Only some do, to societal standards ,  and none of those lives are black. Let's talk about her background dancers decked out in Black Panther leather circa 1970. Let's talk about how she was just so powerful and gorgeous in every frame just oozing and advocating for that female sexual agency.  For all the hoteps ready to stir, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. SILENTLY. I'm so excited, I can sit here and go on and on.  Thank goodness, she finally told people to shut the hell up about Blue Ivy's hair. She likes her baby's hair with baby hair and afros, and there' s nothing you could do about it because of black girl magic. I literally exploded with pride. Lets keep it real, the fact that this beat is so hard and ratchet and danceable and everything just black and beautiful, makes it SOOOO MUCH MORE than a song. This is an ANTHEM. I am bursting at the seams about it. I will be listening to this song more than once a day,  every single day. Beyonce just smacked the world in the face with blackness. On such a grand beautiful scale, on such a large basis. She took her platform and made it as black and as beautiful as it can be. Let us please relish in the fact that she pulled the protective coating off of the fact that New Orleans is still destroyed by Hurricane Katrina after over a decade's time.  Let's focus on that. She took so many important issues that I love to run my mouth and move my fingers about every day and put them smack dab in one video.  On top of that, not only does she sit and list how fabulous black people and black women are she made it known that she doesn't want us to stop being fabulous. She wants us to get in Formation and be fabulous  and fearless, because of or in spite of all the shit that we have to go through every single day. Beyoncé!! Yes, Beyoncè!! You know why because she keeps hot sauce in her bag. Swag. You can't tell me that this is not one of the greatest things ever to even exist. Beyoncé is our voice right now, and when I say our, I mean black people. She is speaking for us,finally someone who has some clout, someone who has some power, someone who has some influence on a serious level is speaking for us.  That's why my brain is exploding right now ,this is the most amazing thing. I could not be more proud.  If you haven't heard the song or seen the video, you need to watch this video. Not even only if you're black either. If you're not black you need to watch this video and understand what is unfolding in front of you. Black pride. Black power. Black awareness. Black strength. Recognize it and respect it.  See it. We do exist. We are still here. I've been trying to get people to be in formation for a long time. I've been here in my arrogance and my passion and my blackness, with my big nose, and my happy black hair waiting for someone to stand up and advocate for sometime. Someone with a voice that's bigger than mine I'm so happy right now. Beyoncè made a song, with a video  said that black people are beautiful in all our strength and we matter. She's right, and I'm not sorry she got the message out.

Small Victories.

Been a little out of whack these last couple of days. Not only did I not feel good physically, emotionally I wasn't at my best either. In the midst of all that I realized, it's not about how many times we as people, feel that we fall down, it's how many times we choose to get back up. "Perfect" is a word that was created to use in stories that always have happy endings. Beyond that, that word doesn't apply to anything that actually exist. I feel like  humans, even more so as women, put so much pressure on ourselves to be what everybody else thinks we should be. Without realizing that what everybody else thinks we should be shouldn't even matter because we don't even KNOW everybody else.  I also feel that, sometimes, it is extremely hard to maintain a positive state of mind on the daily because life has no pause button. Unfortunately, nothing in this world is going to stop because we don't feel like we're "all there" today. There is no omniscient being tapping us on the shoulder in the middle of our journey to ask us how we're holding up at that very moment. Wholeheartedly, I wish there was. That way when things do get rough, we can say I know someone will check in on me, so if I can just hold on a little longer, I'll make it through. Sadly enough though, most people suffer through things alone and silently, even when they don't have to. My best friend once told me, that life is about the "small victories", I have to admit at first I didn't really understand what she meant. I think I was too deep in the middle of my fall down, to truly grasp it. Now that I am upright again, I understand that she meant that life is about achieving something that may not be a big deal to someone else but it means everything to the achiever. It is more than likely,  something that may not have been able to be done the  hour, day, week, month or year before. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless. My point is this. If you wake up at any point, on any day and just decide you can't. You can't adult today. You can't suffer today. You can't smile today. If you get out of your bed, and the weight is too much to bear beneath your feet, before you decide whether you want to take another step forward, you first must congratulate yourself for getting out of bed. That's not to say things will never be crappy ever again. Nor will I say, every day is going to be faced with a smile and a clear mind. I would never say that because I know that is completely unrealistic.  More than likely a terrible terrible lie as well. What I will say is, it is ok to move slowly, it is okay to be fully aware of everything you do and fully aware of how hard it is. It is more than okay to pat yourself on the back for EVERY step you take, because to be honest we all have the same 24 hours and some people are choosing not to step at all. Congratulating yourself, or just noticing your own effort, especially when you slip and fall, or "mess up" can be enough to get you through each and every day one step at a time. Continued flow through adversity and hardship, is the greatest accomplishment of all.

Token Black Words.

Okay so I woke up this morning and was immediately bombarded with a bunch of
I'm surprised something is not up for Black History Month yet.
You got it right every day this month cuz Black History Month is so important.
I'm expecting some really awesome stuff from you this month because this is your forte.
I'm so ready to not be disappointed.
Don't get me wrong, I understand what you guys meant when you wrote all this, and it's wonderful to know that you guys realize what I'm passionate about. However, I thought about it and above all else I'm sort of annoyed. I told you guys once before that being a writer is my platform to discuss some of the things that I care about most. Rights for disabled people. Rights for females. Rights for the LBGTQI community And overall Black Consciousness. I took to Facebook to overtly state my point on where I stand with Black History Month, and what I will be doing while it is in effect. I wrote;
I don't need a designated day from a designated month to tell me when to start appreciating, celebrating and being knowledgable about my blackness. I'm black 365 days of the year, every year my loves. Every month is black history month to me 💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁
Honestly, I do hope everyone understands where I'm coming from. It's just that I talk about black people and black consciousness and black social agency  ALL THE TIME. I am extremely proud of that. I don't wait for February to start talking about how great black people are, I know great black people because I make it my business to become more knowledgeable about  our overwhelming successes with each passing day. The month of February has nothing to do with my blackness. The month of February has nothing to do with my pride in my black people. To keep it all the way honest with you guys, a privileged white men gave black people permission to use February for black history because it is the shortest month. The same way slaves got permission to celebrate Juneteenth, so they could stay happy and subordinate. I'm not saying February should go unnoticed but what I am saying is, it was Black History Month for me in January and it will be black history month for me in March. Simply because I am Black all the time. All day, everyday until the day I die. So, to automatically assume that I will be going above and beyond for any type of special significance that February will have to my blackness is terrible. Not only was it assumed it was requested, which is highly disrespectful and that's putting it mildly. I will talk about my blackness and the blackness of my people in all the excellence that comes with it whenever I see fit. If I don't write  another black word in February it wouldn't be because I'm not proud of who I am, just that no one dictates when where and how I get to celebrate the bold and powerful strides that comes from my people. No one.