Binging with Brains.

When I'm not writing or being some sort of artsy, I'm Netflix binge-watching. Some things, I binge watch for the sake of hilarity. In order to pull my mind back from the crazy places it travels to on occasion. Every now and again, I come across a REAL gem. Almost all of the time, I never see it coming. About two days ago, I came across a series called 'Too Young To Die'. Basically, it's a show about different beloved icons who are no longer with us. Icons who died earlier than the world wanted them to, usually tragically. Anyone who knows me intimately, knows that at LEAST three times a month I pick a person from the stardom's passed  and become completely obsessed with them. Usually,  making it my perogative to learn everything there is to know about the way they lived and died. I've been enjoying this somewhat morbid "history lesson" hobby for as long as I could read, so this show was quite literally the BEST to me. It was actually really aggravating as well, because the apparently the seasons are  only ten episodes each.  What can I even DO with that? Ten episodes is how I warm up to a binge. Besides everyone knows that Hollywood has a way higher body count than that. Naturally, they had Heath Ledger, River Phoenix and Kurt Cobain for three of the 10 episodes. All of which, I have long ago obsessed over and learned everything about.  Although, I must admit to being quite pleased with the fact that they actually had the opportunity to talk to some, if not all of the people who knew them personally. The closeness of it was a nice touch. I was both surprised and happy to see that they committed an episode to Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I personally think was, is and always will be a brilliant actor. I was also more than excited that they included John Belushi. I dedicated more than a month to John, the year I turned 16. Afer being inspired by his brother James, and an episode of James' hit show  'According to Jim'. Anyway, there were few episodes of this Netflix gem that featured people that I'd never even heard of. Which I LOVED. It's always amazing to learn new things about pragmatic pieces of history. I'll always appreciate the gift of being informed. The common thread I've come across while watching these ten episodes, ten different people with completely different lives, all with the same unfortunate end. It hit me that no matter what the decade and the problems of the time, the common denominator is Fame. These ten people, whether from affluent or humble beginnings were all cursed with the burden of absolute greatness. It seems perfectly natural in my opinion, that some sort of insanity and the desire to escape it as such, would follow. To be completely honest it kind of puts a fear in me. Although I do not, in any way shame or form crave Fame, I do want to leave my mark globally. I do wish immortalized by my words whichever way I choose to leave them. Does my hope for some form of immortality automatically doom me to that unsettling fate? I sure hope not. That is what 'Too Young To Die' that I  just happen to stumble across on Netflix makes me think about. I personally love being made to think, because that is initially, how my best creativity ensues. Gotta love Netflix, inspiring us thinkers, one binge at a time.

My Nuna. 🎂

The first decade of my life, I was the only girl. Shortly after my  tenth year, my little sister was born. To the known world she was  Tormei  but at home she was just Nuna. I didn't know it when we  coined the nickname for her, but 'Nuna' means 'beautiful girl' in japanese. Ridiculously fitting, because my little sister was literally the most adorable baby I'd ever seen. And I'm not saying that because I'm biased. She had the chinkiest eyes and hair everywhere. Everywhere. Like an extremely well fed Baby Born doll. My mother used to dress her up in these little outfits like bathing suits and dresses and put her tiny self on her fur coats and have photo shoots. I was completely infatuated. The best part about my baby sister weirdly enough wasn't her laughter, it was the way she cried. She has the most hilarious cry because it was almost more of a vibration.  She would take her tongue and roll it against her gums to make that sound that comes out when you say a spanish 'R'. Some of the people in my family used tk pinch her cheeks just just so she would cry. As she got older, she became my right hand. To this day, noone in my neighborhood could even remember my adolescence without mentioning my sister. Everywhere I was, she was. At the time, I obviously didn't realize how much I would cherish those moments once they were gone. But now I know. She stayed by my side up until the day my mother told me to get out of her house. I was nineteen, she was nine. Today is her fourteenth birthday. I know it broke both of our hearts to be separated. She cried for me the day I left. And I hate the fact that I missed as much as I did. I missed so much of her pivitol 'coming into  myself years' and I know she's hurt about that. The fact that I told her I would never leave her side and was forced to soon after, has strained us. I don't  know everything the way I used to. Especially since there's  a whole new world to know. For that, I couldn't be more sorry. My sister was, is and always will be my shining star. Despite our ups and downs, and the fact that we haven't spoken in a while, I love her with all my heart. Happy Birthday Nuna!!!

High Priced.

We've got to stop thinking that people HAVE TO treat us how we treat them. The reason why people get hurt, the reason why hearts get broken is because people tend to put unspoken  expectations to their loved ones. Just because you are kind doesn't mean anyone has to reciprocate. Just because you love hard does not mean anyone has to return the favor. Expectation is the catalyst to disappointment. I can't really speak for everyone else. I do know that personally, I struggle with knowing when to let go. I am so hell-bent on seeing the best of everyone and cultivating whatever good qualities I may find into my own life , that I don't stop and think that maybe the search efforts are not worth the discovery. Anything that cost us our self-worth,  peace of mind and overall well-being it's too expensive. That's something that I know that I have to work on coming  to terms with on my own personal journey. Another hard and painful thing is accepting that a person may not be the person they were when you made the choice to believe in them, initially. People change, and not always for the better. We have to take notice to when these changes are causing us more harm than good. Everyone we love, isn't necessarily  meant to be in our lives. Hurting ourselves and dimming our light so someone else's can shine brighter is a suffering we have to learn how to avoid at all cost. We must learn to sacrifice for ourselves the way we do for others. We have to learn that that's okay to do, and that there's no need to apologize for it. It's perfectly fine that we love ourselves the way we love others, if not more. It's not easy but it's okay to do.

Heinous.

Happy November Everyone! I hope everyone's Halloween was fun and safe. I woke up with so much on my mind this morning. I couldn't decide  what to write about. I chose to really filter through my brain and whatever was still floating on the surface would be my topic. Today, the notion of fear chose to linger. Fear in terms of, being afraid to be one's best self for fear of being loved less and condemned more. It's been brought to my attention by a few of the people closest to me that sometimes,  even I change myself, quiet myself, dumb myself down and/or close myself off  far too often. Solely, to ease the minds of individuals that would  have a problem with me otherwise. One of my many Achilles Heels is the fact that I'm a natural-born people pleaser. I've always been that way, simply because the praise itself was its own reward. I've done so many things that I never wanted to do, to see someone else smile. From young, I prided myself on "being the little genius", "the golden child", "the special girl", the girl that's going to be "something spectacular one day". I loved having that title. I relished it.  To this day, apart of me just glows when I get complimented or praised on my intellect or savvy about so many things beyond my years. Gratefully, I came across a few people in my adolescent years, that taught me that it was okay to love myself and please myself as much as I enjoy pleasing others. Yet and still, the latter was so much easier to cope with because I ruffled less feathers that way. I was never the type to take pride in pissing people off or letting people down. To be honest, I still don't. At least now though, I handle the situation a little better when it arises. Everyday it's a process , Some days are sucessful, some days I fail epically. Every day, I try. I'll be the first to admit, that it's a lesson I'm still learning. We can't be afraid to be us. We can't let the things that people don't necessarily agree with, stop us from cultivating them and making them a part of us. Just because somebody sees things from a close-minded view doesn't mean we  in turn, have to make our opened minds, narrow. We don't need to placate their needs. The only real crime committed is making the conscious choice to hate and disown a part of ourselves  because someone we care about chose the judgmental path and frowned at us. We have to learn that if the choices we make aren't actively hurting others and going to actively destroy someone else. Or even more tragically, ourselves, then we need to stick by them. There's a difference between doing something someone doesn't like and doing something incredibly heinous. Heinous things need to be changed , ridiculed and reprimanded. Doing something that someone else doesn't like, is legitimately everyday life. That doesn't advocate for a pass to walk around  blindly hurting people and making them feel bad all the time. That's where instinct is supposed to kick in, especially if you're like myself, selfless and self-aware then you know what lines to not to cross and what boundaries to uphold. Some people have no sense of intuition. Not because they were denied a helping during creation but because their selfishness and single-mindedness prohibits them from tapping into it. That's  the definition of heinous if I was ever asked. We can't let selfish single-minded people tell us we're doing bad things by exuding honesty and loyalty first and foremost. If a person's overall agenda is  to think about only themselves, then who are they to tell anyone to put someone else's needs and wants first? Especially if they don't even know how to achieve that themselves. People like myself, are so often, so paralyzed with the fear that our purest selves will be shunned. So much so, that at the slightest hint of disapproval from someone we love, we then proceeded to completely disown and ignore who we truly are. Which is a habit that can't be broken fast enough. We need to work on accepting the fact that we are perfect the way we are. Even if people don't agree. Whether we love them or not. That's okay. It's going to be okay. Apologies are not necessary, when selfishness to the point of destroying another person, and single-mindedness to the point of complete obliviousness, AREN'T factors. It's perfectly okay to be oneself, as long as it's the best, purest, truest and happiest one.