In The Moving Sand

There is no feeling worse than when you thought you made a sound decision, only to realize it was the stupidest thing you've ever done. Its like when you had a really big breakfast, and your trying to decide on lunch. Your choices are pizza or a light salad, and of course you get the pizza because who in the hell says no to pizza? But as soon as you take your first bite, you realize you're not going to eat it and you made a big mistake. Essentially you just wasted money on something you thought you wanted  when you could have saved yourself  time and energy and had a nice salad.  I've had impulsions or "eat with your eyes" situations on many an occasion. Sadly enough,  the situation I am in currently is a little more complex than figuring out what to eat for lunch. Like where I live for example, don't get me wrong I love living with my girlfriend it was the best choice I made in awhile and it works so, yay us!! However, being trapped in the barren wasteland that is East Orange is just plain unbearable. No wait stop hold on one second, sidebar: I adore my Jerseyian readers but it is hella difficult to live here when you were born and raised in New York City and therefore accustomed to the vigor and noise and actual corner stores, that don't close before sunset. Regardless, my lady and I are making plans to uproot soon enough. The point to my boasty nature is, if you make an impluse choice and you don't feel its right, that's perfectly fine. All you have to do is go back to the drawing board make sure you have a plan and that your assets are in order. So that when you are ready to pull yourself from the quicksand that is an unhappy situation you can do so without any hiccups along the way.
I know it sounds very tedious but slight tedium now is a small price to to pay for the ultimate happiness later. Stay positive, and believe that anything that hinders anyone from prosperity and joy will never last.

Hold Your Joy

I'm not gonna drone on and on today because most people I know, including myself are celebrating PRIDE today!!!!! I just want to say that as a bisexual in a lesbian relationship I couldn't be more grateful that tolerance is on the rise. I know that for me personally, it wasn't always easy to be different and I could only imagine how difficult it was for the older generations. I'm just happy we have come as far as we have. And for the people out there that say that people are only LBGTQ because its trendy now, that is not only disrespectful but it is false. You cannot choose to be LBGTQ. So if someone is part of that spectrum and decides to come out its NOT because  they "wanna be down" it is because the world is slowly becoming a safer place to be LBGTQ in. Gaining a sense of acceptance that it lacked years prior. We've come a LONGGGG way since Matthew Shepard and it is an absolute blessing. For those who have yet to come out for fear of ridicule, don't worry all in good time. You will have someone waiting to stand by you after the dust has cleared. And I hope my words bring you peace. In a nutshell, everyone needs to be excited and proud to be who they are. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

Kryptonite

Don't really know what the hell is wrong with me today , but I've been trying to blog all day and for some reason I just keep falling asleep. I mean, normally I'm more of a night owl so I can see why I would need to sleep during the day, but today it's extremely excessive. Literally, my eyes open for five minutes and then I blink and three hours have passed. I don't know, I guess my body is trying to tell me that I can't do things the way that I used to. When I was a teenager breaking night was like part of my regular regimen. Now I can't do that anymore without feeling narcoleptic all day. And even though I'm still young that shit makes me feel old as hell. I guess my point is you really have to take care of your body. You only get one and contrary to popular belief it is not an ever-running machine. You do get tired, you can break bones and you do get bruises, so to treat your body as if it works any other way is a huge mistake. Kids are so anxious to grow up when they're younger, once you've grown all you wanna do is be a little bit younger. And I'm not dusty or anywhere remotely close to it but I do know that I have to start taking better care of myself and I suggest that anyone who thinks they are Superman or superwoman should do the same. No-one is an actual superhero therefore no-one is immune to everyday wear and tear. Now that I think about it kids these days don't know how easy they have it. Running around playing all day and still managing to have the energy they started with that morning. Eating whatever they want and never gaining any weight , because younger kids are built with freakishly fast metabolisms.  Seriously though, especially if you are accident prone like myself. You have to slow down and put your health first. The only thing keeping you from a healthier version of yourself is the unhealthy version. No-one wants to be known as the person who lost the battle for a more fufilling and rejuvenated lifestyle... to themselves. Just putting it out there.

Genius Ass Dora

When my little sister was even younger, her favorite show was Dora the Explorer. Now me being significantly older Dora got on my damn nerves. But she was educational, and my sister had a blast learning new words and phrases in Spanish. For like three  months she walked around saying "Baté, Baté Chocolaté"  in response to every yes or no question. As if she really were taking part in a ridiculously advanced conversation, though all she was saying was "Mix, Mix Chocolate". When I look back,  Dora was more important than I ever thought she would be. The most important part of the show, in my opinion, was when they would get in the car with Tico as the driver,  and Dora would say "Seatbelts, So we can be safe". I would just sit there thinking, that is one smart little girl. Now fast forward to present day, my sister is almost twelve, her Dora watching days are over. But for some odd reason Dora, a seven year old, who essentially runs away from home every chance she gets, is still smarter than most of the young adults I know today. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends with all my heart, but sometimes they just do some stupid shit. Like why call me to let me know , that as a grown woman or man you had sex with someone you didn't know well enough, and weren't completely trusting of, unprotected. A lot of women and men my age are all about having fun and "turning up".  Loving the mere thought of getting excited and living in the moment. That's all well and good, until one makes a mistake that they can't take back. Now no one is perfect, that I understand but to do the same thing over and over and over again expecting a different result,  that's the definition of insanity at its best. So if you had unprotected sex before and you got scared and started freaking out and you thought you were pregnant or thought you had an STD , but then you got checked out and realized everything was gonna be ok , THAT RIGHT THERE is your sign. Because by the grace of God or whomever you believe in,  your ass got off scott free and it doesn't always happen that way. So that should be your first reason to use any barrier or contraceptive of your choice. Seriously, after making that mistake the first time, and then repeating it, it's no longer a mistake it's a lifestyle choice. People like to live dangerously and I wouldn't want to be around to witness the consequences behind those decisions. So everytime someone calls me with some nonsense of that nature the first thing that goes through my mind is 'If Dora knows the precautionary steps to take to keep herself alive in a potentially  harmful situation, why don't you?" Granted, Dora in a car with her friends and young adults not being sexually concious, are two completely different sides of the spectrum but the premises remain the same. And at this rate, Dora will be old enough to drive a REAL car with her seatbelt buckled before the imbeciles of my generation get their lives together and take better care of themselves as well as their bedmates. That's the sad, sad truth.

Dumb

For a full year, from the age of about eight to nine, I lived my life thinking my little brother and I were idiots. The reason being, while our older brother was out enjoying his newly teenaged-ness and  the teeny tiny slither of independence that came along with it, we were stuck in the house. And after playing 52 pick up about 100 times and I Declare War and Go-Fish over and over and over again. After watching our Rugrats tape so frequently we were able to recite the words, we realized we were bored. Out of our minds. My brother and I were thick as thieves at that age so we always found a way to entertain ourselves one way or another. But this time, the tedium was too much to handle, even for us. We went to our mother and expressed our dismay, in our child like manner and she said "Bored?, You're not bored, Boredom is for dumb people." Safe to assume she was only trying to be reassuring in a way that only she can, but that scared the shit out of us.  Like really.Who wants to be stupid anyway? Obviously now, I realize the context of which  she said that in wasn't exactly the way she meant it. I understand now that my mother meant in order to be bored you would have to give up on or lack your own imagination as well as creativity. I.e. making you mentally less than in the everyday circumstance. And even though it's a valid thought, it's not necessarily true for every case. Sometimes you've just exhausted every possibility, sometimes you just run out of stuff to do. What my mother didn't understand then, which I hope she does now, is that boredom isn't a soft spot on your character or a red flag to the person you grow to become. In my opinion, boredom is only a part of the system of  inevitability. Such as death or loneliness. Boredom doesn't make you any more stupid than loneliness makes you a loser. By definition, a loser is someone who people do not favor because they lack the charisma and the drive to do anything remotely successful in life.  You can be surrounded by  a stadium full of people and still be a loser, the same way you can be the most successful person ever to live and still be lonely. Unfortunately for me, I didn't grasp that concept until I was ten. But I guess better late than never, right? Which is more than I can say for Mother Dearest. Anyway, the lesson here children, somethings are just a natural part of life and no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time, it will pass. Feeling and aknowledging that discomfort doesn't make anyone any worse or better than anyone else.

Twist

I already know, another hiatus, I can't apologize enough but sometimes its hard to blog about life when you're in the middle of living it. But moving forward I will dedicate more time to my craft and to all who enjoy it. The one good thing resulting from my absence is that I had the time to filter through the non-stop thoughts flowing through my mind and figure out a few things I want to convey today and a few days following. Today, it's dawned on me that it isn't good to wish. I know, I know what the hell do I mean by that right? Well let me elaborate. Wishing is dangerous because it's a never ending complex of getting yourself excited about something uncertain only to be disappointed when the visual in your mind doesn't match what reality is offering. And on the rare occasion one may actually get what they've been wishing for, it doesn't come without some sort of karmic ,cosmic backlash. Usually meaning something or someone worth way more than what was wished for ends up in a turmoil of some sort. Which brings me back to my original statement, wishing is dangerous because not only does it send your psyche on a figurative tilt-a-whirl but one may not be prepared for what the cost may be to fulfill said wish. As the Pussycat Dolls once said 'Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it' And to be frank about it, anything that's not acquired with humility and good old fashion hard work will not come without any funny business attached. So when wishing you have to ask yourself, 'Is this what I REALLY want?' 'Did I EARN this?' And is it WORTH all the possible stress to come?' And of the answer to any of those questions are no, then stop WISHING and start DOING. I firmly believe you feel more gratification putting in a deep amount of effort in to an accomplishment anyway. But hey, the choice isn't mine to make.

The Lord's Vacation

A friend of mine, one I go way back with, probably to like middle school, came to me  cyberly, seeking  advice. Now from what I've heard and the feedback I've gathered I'm pretty good at giving advice. I don't necessarily agree, which is probably why I rarely ever listen to myself. Anyway this good friend went on to tell me about her relationship troubles. According to her, her boyfriend is the reason for all of their problems. She went on to say he has a problem being faithful and a very bad wandering eye. I asked her when was the last time he wandered his eye or cheated and I was pretty confused by the answer she gave me. I guess I was expecting her to say "last week", "two weeks ago" even "last month" but she said "two years ago." TWO YEARS AGO. So then I kind of LOL'd her. Which in retrospect, was probably not the best thing to do. I  I asked her why why she stayed with him if he wasn't doing right by her. And of course she said "because I love him" to which I responded "if you love him why are you holding on to something that happened two years ago?" and her answer is what prompted this blog today. My good friend that I've known since the 8th grade still managed to shock the shit out of me  by answering my question with one simple statement  "I'm a grudgeholder , whatever, it's not my job to forgive its God's." Boy was I floored. Maybe because I've never gotten that perspective  before. And never so blatantly.  But then it got me to thinking, why does God forgive? And why do we as humans give him so many reasons to do so? And do we as a people use God as a reason to do stupid things? When you're young and growing up, you make a mistake and  your mom or your grandmother or your dad or your grandpa tells you that all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and you will receive it. Clean slate no questions asked. But there are a solid couple BILLION people in this world. Imagine someone everyday  making a stupid mistake, most likely the same one or a ridiculous variation of it and they running to you with "remorse" and you're just EXPECTED to forgive them. Bullshit right? Exactly. But that is what we as humans or as the religious say "sinners" do. I mean not only do we ruin things for ourselves and others constantly but most of the time we have the NERVE to be self-righteous about it.  And then head straight to God expecting and taking for granted his forgiveness. Shame on it. I'm no saint on any account either but geez. I'm sure it wouldn't kill any of us to have a slice of humble pie with a side helping of selflessness.  It's a wonder God hasn't  struck us all down already. It really must get tiring, unconditional love,  and for what just another let down in the end. Maybe if he retired or went away for a while on a retreat to get the kinks of the idiocy in human race rubbed out. People would notice just how good they have it with their slate wiped and polished at their convenience. But no-one is God so no-one would know.

Retrospective

Sometimes you just have to look back.  Sometimes you just have to reflect and be grateful. Most people  are so busy focusing on negatives in life, and what they lack. No one bothers to realize that's what you have is a blessing. People have grown accustomed being ungrateful. I've come to realize that gratefulness stems from a sense of immortality . Most love to believe that they will live forever, but we all know unfortunately that is not the case. The faster people realize that life is a gift , that will eventually end, the sooner they will realize that all the wonderful things that make up their existence is something to be awestruck by. People love negativity, people love hatred. Granted we are all human and not every day is going to be a great one but there should always be more good than bad. One should always find one good thing that happened to them  in each day,even in a shitload of disappointment. Because when you do  search and find, that shows that you are cultivating and utilizing life. And that whatever Most High you may believe in did not waste His/Her or Their time. There's so much wrong with the world, this I know. Nonetheless, appreciate the right things. Share the right things spread the positivity. That's will prolong your lifespan and while there is no secret remedy to immortality. Happiness is the key to a long, full, and prosperous life. As my grandmother used to say for everything you don't have there are two things that you do. Remember that and you will live on long after you've left world.

Odds

Drives me nuts when I'm feeling exceptionally shitty and someone tells me "don't worry it's just another bump in the road". Like obviously I know that it's a bump that's why I feel shitty in the first place.  When things fuck up it's so discouraging.  When all you want to do is live a happy life as best you can, some crazy mess comes in and ruins that. Usually out of the blue always unexpected, just messy. The really sick part of the whole deal is nothing bad seems to happen until you are at the very peak of your success, at the very tip of your happiness. It's like everything is going fine, just got yourself a new house and a new car to match and then suddenly, a crater comes and SMASHES all your new shiny things to pieces. Now I know that is a very cynical and exaggerate example but the point is made  nonetheless. In the event of that circumstance, the first thing someone would think is  "what are the odds that this will happen to me after working so hard to achieve my goal"? That's the thing, people are always saying what are the odds of this and what are the odds of that, to be completely honest the odds of something messing up when everything's going perfectly are  pretty high. And no one ever expects it, irony at its best, eh?  I can tell you though, it gets mighty tiring always getting the short end of the stick. Waiting for the good to come all the time can wear somebody out indefinitely. Why exactly should anybody have to put any of their happiness on hold? I mean, the way I've been told that karmic forces are supposed to work is that good things I supposed to happen to good people. Instead however, unfortunate circumstances follow upon the good  individuals of the world. It's enough to make you wanna cry but you don't of course , because as luck would have it humans I'm blessed and cursed with a thing called hope. So even when you really do feel your shitiest , you don't give up. Because someday, sometime, things will work out. And holding on to that is what helps us little people survive . And anything that helps survival, is alright with me.

Id the Dominant

Being out of character is totally in character. One of my very best friends  took the time out  to enlighten me on the ways of myself pertaining to the best of the worst in me. I guess what they say about best friends knowing you better than you know yourself is true. Anyway, she reminded me that I'm human and therefore equipped with the capability of the occasional lapse of stability and average mental malfunctioning. She went on to explain to me that just because you know something is wrong doesn't mean it is easy to stop yourself from doing it or that you even want to stop. And that it is not any more or less  significant then waking up early and getting out of your bed to volunteer at a church your mother attends.  Neither choice makes you more noble then anyone else in the world. Sometimes even when you try to do the right thing, to take the high road and be the most morally sound person possible the primal part of you will get in the way. Hence the age-old Battle of the Superego and the Id. Good ol' Sigmund Freud told us that there are three different parts of the mind to complete the human psyche. He believed you have the Superego the Ego and the Id.  As we all very well know the Superego is the moral compass. It is the Jiminey cricket of sorts, the Angel on your shoulder. The Id however, is the visceral gut- wrenching carnal part of oneself that allows you to feel so good when doing and/or thinking so badly. The Ego is the mediatior and scale balance of the two. It's scary business when your Ego goes on vacation, enabling your Id to give your Superego a wedgie and stuff it in a locker like a highschool bully. All to run amok and terrorize whoever is closest.  Which in turn Leaves ones' mind and physical being hot, flustered and wanting against their will, a conundrum one  had no business being apart of in the first place. Why does it seem that the Superego only pitches it's two cents AFTER the animal inside of us has stalked, killed and devoured it's prey and is contentedly sucking on it's carcass? Even more so, having the audacity to manifest in the form of guilt and self-hatred, like H E L L O  where were you went I was attempting to fight and getting my ass whipped by temptation? As bad as the good people of the world may feel when quelling a fever impossible to contain, regardless of the origin, all we can do is breath and chalk it up to the nature of the human mind. Hopefully, it's not always severe when experienced, but I can say it is meaningless to fight because the harder the fight the more the Id is liable to take control. And with that lightbulb, radiating ever so blatantly in my mind, I guess I can say I fully comprehend where the phrase "It Hurts So Good" comes from.

Call Of Duty: Black Ops

Happy June guys! I'm finally back from my vacation I had a great time and a great birthday. In my short time of being 21 I've learned that you have to watch what you say. I've learned that the mood you're in can determine how what you say comes out. Talking when you're mad, bad idea . Talking when you're sad , bad idea. Essentially, opening your mouth during any blood pressure raising situation is a bad idea. I don't care how cool calm and collected a person claims to be when they feel slighted they will immediately go into defense mode. Which automatically implies that there was something to defend, which subliminally enforces wartime. Wartime is when keeping it real goes wrong. If you're getting heated with someone you love you don't want to be in wartime. That is when mistakes are made and wartime is right around the corner  from RegretTown . Walking around with anger in your chest or sadness in your heart is like carrying a loaded gun. Eventually you will harm somebody if not yourself first.  Now not to be unrealistic  I know everyone gets angry and everyone gets sad, still it's not necessarily what you say but how you say it. Even if you are angry and you take a breather and think to yourself the person that I am in wartime with is not someone I am willing to lose permanently, you can positively change the outcome of an otherwise negative situation. You know how  like when election time rolls around and everybody's all "Vote or Die", I believe a more accurate term to use for life in general is "Think or Die. If you don't think before you act you probably will die. Literally and figuratively. Thinking is both prevention and cure. Imagine how different the world would be if everybody actually thought before they did things. Imagine a world without any poverty or disease. Impossible as it seems, that can happen. That world has the ability to exist,  and not only to just exist but to thrive as well. The only reason things aren't as such now is simply due to the fact that people lack the use of their minds and no one thinks before they speak. If being in wartime seems like the life , then fine so be it.  Feel free to run off at the mouth with no pace nor precaution. But if you've been in wartime with a loved one or friend, and like myself, soon realized how much it sucks. Then the only way to save yourself, the only way to get out of the war is to use your brain. It is your best, most strong, most accurate and lethal weapon and with it nothing is unattainable.