Accessories

I had such a lovely Thanksgiving weekend. I had the chance to relax, laugh, and most importantly stuff my face with two of the people I love most in this world. Best of all, I had the chance to bring in my first holiday in my new home. I can honestly tell you there is no one more grateful than I, for the pure blessings that I have received this year. Although it started off as a rough one, I can see now that it's ending strong. Only to prepare me to bring in 2016 even stronger. I am super excited. Not to say that this year hasn't had its trials and tribulations and I'm sure I will experience way more next year, but I am estatic nonetheless. Having love in my life,  romantic and otherwise, has helped me become equipped for whatever comes my way. I'm stoked for the holidays, and I know I'm way too old to believe in Santa but I know I'm going to have a jolly Christmas this year. I woke up this morning feeling amazing. Wait I don't get to express that often so I'm going to write that again: 
I woke up this morning feeling amazing.

Not only that, it wasn't just a fleeting feeling. I felt amazing ALL DAY. And it showed. I was smiling, I took pictures and I even played with a little makeup.  Everybody knows  I'm usually on team fresh-faced 24/7 but I was feeling sassy. Honestly there's nothing in the whole world better than reconnecting with your TRUE loved ones because they remind you of the best qualities within yourself. When you remember how awesome you are it is so easy to just carry it around with you, like a really pretty scarf or a gorgeous purse. And it is definitely true that when you feel down it's easier said than done to pull yourself up. However, there is no harm in getting a helpful, loving, sometimes blunt reminder that You ARE the shit. No if ands or buts about it. The really great things, like love, happiness and inner beauty never go out of style. Confidence, no matter how difficult it can be to maintain sometimes, is your best accessory. Next to a FABULOUS lipstick that is...

Toi d'abord (You, First)

I would be lying if I said I didn't have things in my life that I  wish I could have done differently. Everyone has a situation or two that just went completely  left. There is absolutely no shame in acknowledging that we are imperfect. I'm starting to learn that it's not really  the 'being perfect' moments that count, it's how you salvage things AFTER the proverbial shit has hit the fan. It's all about how you mend what you may have damaged, and the effort you take and being a better person going forward. Humans come with tempers, tears and sometimes just straight disrespect, but some of these humans, we actually really love. As awesome as it would be to just forget about everyone who ever hurt you and just live your life never caring, it's impossible. Everyone cares about someone, even they don't even know it yet. On the other side of the spectrum though, if one has tried on numerous occasions to make things right, only to get consistently shunned, then they have all right to let go. I believe many people thrive on longevity and blood relation to hurt others without consequence. You may have known someone for a long time, or you may be related to someone and they may be someone you truly care for, but if you have done all you can do Stop Doing It. If you made a mistake and you were woman or man enough to apologize and they are not ready to forgive you yet, it is no longer your job to hold on to the situation. Especially, if you apologized and you don't even think you did anything wrong. Blood or otherwise you don't owe anyone anything because at the end of the day you did not ask to be here. And by here I mean on this earth. I hate that people say "oh you only get one set of parents", "you only get one true love", "you only get one best friend." Golden Rule: treat people how you would like to be treated. Nothing more nothing less. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not going to sit around and beat myself up, beg people to be in my life, and beg people to come see me. Not me. It's not about pride, it's about self worth. You are worth way more then having to beg somebody for their company, having to beg somebody for forgiveness when you've done your part. I rather have endless nights by myself then to plead for anybody, family or otherwise to be in my life. It took me a long time to realize that. Seriously though, we as people have to love ourselves more than that. To bring my point home even further, everyone knows that it's not blood that makes you family either. Blood has nothing to do with kinship. As a person, who is fully invested in his or her own happiness, go where the positivity is. If you don't want to deal with your biologicals because they make you miserable, you do NOT have to. Be free to live your life the way you want to. No apologies. Be the best version of yourself, the way only you can. Go wherever your face lights up. You owe noone, not one explanation. Find joy whatever you can get it because THAT is what counts the most when all is said and done. Carpe diem.

LBGTQIssues

I had a very interesting talk with a good friend of mine today. It started off as per normal, jokes, memories, all that fun stuff. We  discussed celebrities and claimed different ones as "ours", completely content with our delusion. Shortly after, the conversation had taken a really weird turn. My good friend, someone who I've known for quite some time proceeded to say
" You know, I just don't get it, not one bit"
Utterly confused, I asked her what on earth she was referring to. She'd cut me off while I was in the middle of gushing over B.J. Britt a.ka. "PJ" via 'Being Mary Jane'(I ADORE his bald chocolate self). Anyway, I waited for a response but she just sucked her teeth.  By that point I was getting fustrated, so I sternly told her to spit it out. I will say, I was not uyprepared for what came next. Which was this:
"You bisexuals really gross me out sometimes, I don't know how y'all can sit and gush about penis one minute, and then say how sexy a girl is the next. Y'all just can't seem to make up your minds, probably cause y'all greedy"
I was so stunned, that I kind of started laughing. I was hoping she would tell me she was being playful so we could continue our conversation. Unfortunately though, she was dead serious. Did I mention my good friend is a lesbian? No,right? What is that anyway? What's the deal with some lesbians being so judgmental about bisexual girls? Funny enough, that's the same question I posed to my friend. And her response was
"I call it how I see it"
From that moment on, I was pissed. First off, quick question, who gives anyone the right to judge anyone based on their sexual preference? I don't know what it is with some lesbians,  note I said SOME NOT ALL but some are really intense about that. As if me being attracted to both women AND men is a direct attack against "lesbianhood." Clearly me enjoying men the way I enjoy women, is a precise and deliberate insult to all the gay women that have a problem with it. No. Just no. Like not even a little bit. To be honest, I could care less what anyone else thinks. Still though, it's levels to this, which is what I went on to tell my friend. I calmly reminded her that the same way she's judging bisexuals for being attracted to both genders, is the same way a lot of heterosexual, not-so- liberal people, judge her for being a lesbian. Even though I was speaking calmly, I was more than through with the conversation, so I politely said my goodbyes. After digesting and analyzing how I felt about the situation, I  vented to another one of my friends ( who coincidentally, is also lesbian). Yes, I too am thinking that I know ALOT of lesbians.  Moving on. Not surprisingly, she was equally judgmental about her stance on bisexuality.  I asked her why and her response was, I kid you not:
"I just prefer to date other lesbians, it's really gross to put my mouth where a penis has been. That's nasty to me"
That completely blew my mind, for more than one reason. Not to air out anyone's laundry, but I haven't written her name so its okay. This is the same lesbian, that openly expresses the joy of, how should I put this gently, "eating booty like groceries" No exaggeration. According to her, there's no shame in her game. And you know what, that's totally okay. Whatever rocks your boat is what you should do. That being said, you don't hear me saying " oh you should never be allowed to kiss people, when you come to my house you're going to have your own special plate and fork.  I can't bear the idea of eating off of the same plate as someone who enjoys licking around someone's anus." Like seriously, grow up.  We are all grown, we all do freaky things in the bedroom(I hope) and we all have our preferences as to who we do them with. That does not give anyone the right to disrespect or say anything insulting anyone else. There's the lovely invention of soap and toothpaste, and guess what, water's free!! So, we as human beings, can scrub all those icky germs away BEFORE we do anything sexual with the next person we may choose. Awesome, right? I truly think some lesbians think that because they are part of the community  they  have a free pass to be hateful. Well I'm here to let everyone know THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!! Be hateful if you want to and you will find yourself, by yourself. We as a whole, have fought so hard to be seen as actual people, with actual feelings by people from the outside looking in. Being hurtful, and cruel and judgemental within our own safe space, why would you want to be counterproductive? If we can't respect each other, why should anyone else even consider getting to know what we're about? If no one is considering, growth is stunted and we've come too far to be back at square one. For real.

Great Expectations

There's a severe increase  of wonderful individuals out there feeling insignificant.  People are down in the dumps based off the actions or reactions of someone else. Too many warm-hearted do gooders, go above and beyond for people who won't even do the bare minimum for them. The real tragedy though, is not the fact that most people do things in this world without getting the proper recognition. Or even the fact that the person one pulls out all the stops for, doesn't value them enough to do the same. The part of this whole crappy cycle that hurts the most is: Expectation. People do nice things for each other, they EXPECT gratitude. A person can treat their significant other like art in human form, that person EXPECTS the same treatment in return. One can sacrifice his or her whole life to ensure the growth and happiness of all that he or she loves, EXPECTING nothing less than excellence and joy, only to be sorely heartbroken later down the line. I've learned the hard way this past week, just because something is EXPECTED does NOT mean it is guaranteed. Two great conceptualizations people tend to misconstrue, which often results in crippling disappointment. There are two definitions to the word expectation, they're both essentially saying the same thing;

ex·pec·ta·tion/ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

Either way, that translates into someone being highly upset when they allow their emotional well-being to be tied to what someone else may or may not do. To be perfectly honest, that is FAR from the way things should as well as NEED to be. Once again, how you treat a person is not gauranteed to have any impact on the way they treat you. Sad but true.  One can not control person's  actions towards them anymore then they can control the weather. The faster everyone realizes this, the less watery eyes and mopey faces there will be.

Boo! Taboo?

I don't feel well today. For a number of reasons actually, but one of these reasons will last me another four to  six days.  Technically, I'm already on day two so it'll be like, three to five days. If you haven't caught on by now, I'm on my period. Now I know there's some people out there already scrunching their face up. But that's a part of my issue, the world's issue in general. We live in a world, where it's okay to watch TV and listen to music that constantly  and BLATANTLY shows naked females and brags about disrespecting them. Ridiculously  boasting about making money and having lots of fantastic rich people sex, but aknowledging and discussing menstruation is going a step too far. How the hell does that make sense? Is it because one is less sexy than the other? Does it turn men off to think about the women that they want to bed,  bleeding for a week, once a month? You know what, its not only the men either. There are some very deluded and childish women out there who commend and condone men making menstruation a hushed topic. Those are the same type of woman who WHISPER when they ask for a pad or tampon in a public bathroom. I'm sorry but what are we whispering for, exactly? Are we committing a crime? Are we gossiping? Is menstruation NOT a part of everyday life? No?  I must have missed that memo. All I know is, I bleed. Sometimes heavily, sometimes lightly, sometimes when a month has 31 days, I'll bleed twice, just to make sure we have all the bases covered. On occasion, when I'm really stressed, I won't bleed at all. Eventually though, and naturally so, the blood will ALWAYS return. Is it fun? Hell no. Especially when you experience pain like mine. Aches, bloating, fatigue, nausea, (that very well can lead to vomiting) and cramps. Cramps that are out of this FUCKING world. It is nowhere near enjoyable, probably the last thing ever I will want to do, right up there with dying a very violent death and eating bodily waste. It sucks. But that doesn't make it any less a part of life. Menstruation is natural. Menstruation is NOT taboo. Menstruation is not stopping, hiding or going anywhere. Accept it, respect it, cope with it, deal with it. Seriously. It's not 'Silence of the Lambs' remix or something. We as women, had sex all month, and we didn't get pregnant. Yay, for some of us, better luck next month for others. Our uterus lining, also known as, the little nest where the baby was supposed to be, is SHEDDING. Congratulations Ladies and Gentlemen, women's bodies work the way they are supposed to. All together now, YAAAAAAAAY!!!!! Menstruation is as natural as moving your bowels. Everyone shits, right? A person would be quite odd and probably dead, if they didn't. Women are  soooo amazing and super spectacular  because we can do BOTH. Simultaneously!!!!! Chew on that.

The "Special" Blues

As children, we were told  that being unique is the best thing you can be. Whenever one begins to feel out of place, or like we're about to make a complete mess of things, the first thing any adult tells us is " just be yourself". I guess that's fine when you're prepubescent and trying to get your first crush to notice you. Or possibly doing your very best to  not be the only girl sitting by herself at the sleepover. To be honest though, being unique, being different is not as easy when you become all grown up. It's days like today where I just find myself feeling incredibly lonely.  Although I've found many wonderful things to be grateful for, sometimes it feels like my "uniqueness" and everything that makes me different from everyone else is more of a burden than a blessing. It is hard to be twenty-two, for any twenty-two old really. It's like that weird place where you know you're not a kid anymore, but you still feel like one because no one legitimately sees you as an adult yet. Probably because every time you speak to an ACTUAL adult they call you a baby. Babies who have to pay bills and be responsible and all that other crap that teenagers don't have to deal with. But hey at least we can drink now, well...legally. Still, it's pretty much a bumpy ride for everyone between the ages of 21and 28. ( Let's face it by 29 you should have your shit together, and if not, Shame On You!! No I'm kidding.😊 Kind of.) It just really sucks sometimes though, things are already hard enough because I'm in my twenties. Having physical hinderances, is like adding insult to injury. I know, I know I'm supposed to be positive and think about all the great things I have in my life and my life IS indeed wonderful. It just gets really hard sometimes, because being different can be very isolating, Cerebal Palsy and pain from breast mass is no cakewalk. Sometimes, it can feel like there's no point in being in my twenties if I can't live life the way I want to. Being an idiot, having fun, making memories and finding myself is what its all about. It seems I can't even do that peoperly alot of the time. These days, I find myself by myself with only a fever or presistant nausea/body aches to accompany me. I'm not going to go into the gory details because I'm not in the mood to gross myself out. However, I do know that being "different" and "special" and "brave" and "unique" in your 20s is not all its cracked up to be. All I can do is be happy I made it this far and hope for easier days ahead. It seems to be the only choice I have.

Woman Of the Year...

Boy, do I feel a way this morning 😠. First let me say, everyone who knows me, knows by now that I am a PROUD member of the LBGTQI community. I always have been and always will be. Along with advocating for and promoting Black Consciousness I also advocate for LBGTQI rights, as well as the rights for the disabled. For no other reason than I AM all three categories, and all three categories fit under the minority umbrella.  I just needed to make that clear before I say what has me full of fury so early in the morning. Okay, so apparently Caitlyn, formerly known as Bruce, who I have totally and completely advocated for in the past, had a conversation with Ellen (who is completely my BAE in my mind). During that conversation Ellen asked him about his feelings, and where his mind was now that gay marriage is legal in all states. Now I'm assuming, that Ellen, like a reasonable human being, thought he was going to say something along the lines of "Wow, this is so great, completely over the moon for my community" or at least some smiling variation of that. Unfortunately though, Ellen and I were both dead WRONG. This fool said something along the lines of " I feel like men should marry women and women should marry men, no offense to the gay community but I just believe in traditional values". I'm paraphrasing obviously, but the traditional values part I took directly from Jenner's mouth. Point number one, correct  me if I'm wrong, but there is nothing traditional about being in the LBGTQI  community. That's why we've had to jump through all these hurdles to get a piece of equality now. Secondly, how dare you Caitlyn! Show up to NYC's Pride and party like you're family but you don't even really support what we were advocating for. I have some straight as an arrow friends that would slap dogshit out of you for the fuckery you had the nerve to say out loud. Ellen even said in her own interview that she could sense the homophia Caitlyn had while sitting on her damn couch.  Like really? For real? LASTLY, and this is the part that I know everyone's going to dread, and everyone's going to have a fit about but it's MY opinion and I'm entitled. In my humble opinion, this is just another example of white privilege.  No,  I'm not being too righteous, just hear me out. Before I blogged about this, I wrote a status on Facebook  basically saying being transgender and homophobic does not mesh well. I actually wrote "BITCH WHERE?" but that's neither here nor there. I went on to comment underneath my own post and tag my equally black concious sister-friend to share and explain why this is yet another blinding example of white privilege at the forefront. I wrote;

"THIS RIGHT HERE, IS WHITE PRIVLEGE YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE ONLY A WHITE MAN CAN LIVE HIS WHOLE LIFE AS A MAN GET RICH  BECOME A WOMEN GET A T.V. SHOW TALK TO ELLEN AND SAY "I JUST  FEEL LIKE  ONLY MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD BE MARRIED BECAUSE IM TRADITIONAL THAT WAY"

IF LAVERNE WENT ON ELLEN AND SAID THIS BULLSHIT SHE WOULD BE SHUNNED BY THE LBGTQI COMMUNITY AND KILLED LIKE MOST BLACK TRANSGENDER WOMEN ARE THESE DAYS NOT OUT HERE GETTING WOMAN OF THE YEAR WHEN YOU AINT EVEN BEEN SHOOTING IN THE GYM FOR A FULL 365...

SMMFH."

Ganted there was a truck load of the ebonics in there, but I think most of you can get the gist. It's not even like I'm hellbent I'm making it a 'race thing' (whatever the hell THAT means) . It's just that I don't have to MAKE anything because it already IS. No way in HELL Laverne Cox could get away with saying something like that. Not while still having supporters, still being rich, still making money, still being on TV. Not even a little bit, her whole life would be over. I'm not even going to touch the fact that Caitlyn hasn't even been a woman for a full year before accepting an award for the upstanding version of that very thing. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING upstanding about a person, I don't care WHAT they choose to identify as, who plays the ROLE of being apart of our community.  To rapidly gain supporters, advocators (like I once was)  and a judgement free zone, only to CLEARLY SHOW they don't care about anyone but themselves. Whoever that may be. People like that deserved to be exiled from the radar. Quick, fast and in a hurry.

Definitions

My weekend was both relaxing and productive. After giving my place a thorough cleaning, getting laundry done, and going food shopping, I was able to get in my bed and do a bunch of nothing. Surprisingly enough though, that wasn't the highlight of my weekend. The highlight of my weekend came in the form of an epiphany. After a conversation that was initially had to help someone else understand their life's passion, a few very important things became clear to me. It dawned on me, that everyone we've ever met or are going to meet has different ambitions. Therefore, there are very diverse individual meanings to the word  'success'. I can't help noticing, that there's some unspoken rule book on what qualifies a person to be successful and what doesn't. I'm sure it has something to do with going to college AND finishing and THEN getting some six-figure paying job AND sharing it with everyone you know for validation. Don't get me wrong, knowledge is key. Do I think college is the only way to get that knowledge? No. Please don't misconstrue, the mere notion of making six figures, that would be amazing to anyone. Being rich however, won't necessarily increase fulfillment. If a person wants to go to college, by all means, I think they should go and be amazing. Skyrocket that GPA, but only if that is where one's personal, soul crafted idea of success leads them. Don't do something because someone else says it's what should  be done.  That right there,  is cardinal rule number 0.5. Some people in our lives know us really well , but can make us feel like they've never had an actual conversation with us, not one day in our lives. Especially when they say things like "oh wow, you're so smart, why are you wasting your time doing this when you could/ should be doing ( fill in the blank)". Things like that seriously make me want to bang my head into a wall. Repeatedly. What kind of passive aggressive support is that? It would almost be funny, if it wasn't  real life thing. What people need to realize is, a person can do something that people don't even consider a "real" career. They can make seven cents a day doing it, and I PROMISE it wouldn't make not one difference in the world, if it made them feel good being apart of it. Feeling whole, warm, and happy inside is priceless. The best part of that is, one would feel so awesome, that the validation is weaved within the day's work. They won't need to hear how great they are, or how good they're doing from somebody else because the way they feel will show that they know that. Honestly, it's really all in the  way the word 'success' is perceived in the eye of a lone beholder. No one else will ever have the right to force change on someone else's visions, and thank goodness for that.

Murky

I thought he was dead, and I have never been so scared in my life. Wait, wait let me  backtrack. I woke up on the absolute wrong side of the bed today. Been in a bit of a funky mood since last night. After some good old fashioned pep from my best friend, I was essentially told to do my best to cheer myself up and maintain. So naturally, I put my best foot forward, literally and figuratively to sway my mood  in a happier direction. Took my morning walk around the block, meditated and took a nice hot shower. I'm not going to lie to you, it helped a little but not as much as I needed. So I went to one of my second favorite things in the world; food. I heated up some broccoli in a cheese sauce and some chicken tenders, it was quite tasty if I do say so myself. Like I was sure it would do, my full belly soothed my emotional angst. Just as I felt my day was finally looking up, I realized that Bae took her Beats to work and neglected to inform me where she put the red Sony headphones that I use when I don't have them. I'm looking around trying to find them so I can peacefully slip into a musical coma, all to no avail. Then I thought to myself, 'she probably left them on her gaming area, next to Billy.' If you don't know by now, because you don't pay attention to my Facebook or Instagram or whatever, Billy is our contraband turtle. I mean technically we're turtle sitting  but you know, tomato-tomahto. We're not supposed to have him anyway. No pets allowed. I wish that wasn't true though otherwise I would have a little dog running around me or something, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway ,I went to go look and see if the headphones were where I thought they were, they werent. But before I could really notice that, I saw that Billy wasn't moving not even a little bit.  Now his water was a little murky, so I tried to do my best to remain calm.  I had fed him early this morning, like seven-thirty, and his tank was due for a cleaning that I didn't want to give because touching amphibians creeps me out.  I tapped the side of the tank closest to the fake palm tree, the way I usually do and said "Hey  Dolla Billz!!" Nothing, not even a wiggle. It was at that particular point, that I started full-blown freaking out. My eyes were welling up and everything. It wasn't until I picked up his tank and brought him into the bathroom, that his head slowly crept out of its shell. I had never been so happy to see such beady eyes. The whole time I thought he was dead, when in reality he was just taking a nap. The feeling of relief consumed me. So much so, that I took him out and gave his tank a nice rinse and refill. Now, Billy is happily swimming around, fully fed, in his new clean water.  I didn't realize until just now, but Billy really helped me. Even though my mood is still a little sour, today I learned there are worse things. After all, the only thing that's worse than touching a smelly amphibian, is touching a dead one. Thanks Billy.

The Weapons.

I learned something today , and based off what I learned I feel the need to address the other side of my previous post. I'll divulge on what I mean by that in a second, I promise. Right now, I need to make sure that everyone who bothers to read  this understands this one very important thing. Everything I wrote yesterday, I meant wholeheartedly. My mindset, my emotions,  my way of life is completely infused and built-in the premise of being a mentally and socially aware artist blessed enough to be cognizant within myself. In hand, with being grounded and steadfast  in the black concious agenda and advocating for the rights of what society considers to be the "lesser than" and "abnormal". Always have been, always will be. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can expand on what my lesson of the day is. Today I learned, there is a such thing as being TOO righteous. Now before anyone goes and bites my head off, let me elaborate. Yesterday I wrote about how there's a New Age Civil Rights Movement upon us. And there is. However, I think people who claim to be kindred spirits to me, like minded, "for the cause" are using the aforementioned devastation to condone, spread and follow their own deluded purposes. Listen people, you cannot solve racial dysfunction based off hatred and fear with MORE hatred and fear. That kind of defeats the purpose. You can not say I hate the media because of the way it portrays black people but then turn around in the SAME SENTENCE and use it to justify an equally racist or stereotypical jargin about white people. We all know media is not objective, THAT is white privilege. THAT BEING SAID  siding with the media to make a  lopsided, hole-filled, truth absent point about another race that is not your own is not okay. EVER.  WE don't like it when it's done to us, why return the favor? We are too grand a people and too valuable a generation to sink to the levels of Supremacy. WE are supposed to rise above all that evil.  I'm going to need everyone to get it together. You do not put out a fire with more fire. Being overtly biased, and half baked with a side of petty racist doesn't make you 'about'or 'down for' anything. Wise up, people! Knowledge, Respect and Overall Awareness are the most pivitol things in a black person's arsenal right now. Do better.

Civil Rights Movement, The Sequel

Ever have those days, where you feel like you have to do something, anything or you'll lose it? I've been feeling like that for a while now. I'm already aware that it's based on the helplessness I feel for my generation and for the mindset of the youth. Most importantly though, I feel this unwavering, mentally consuming, jagged, breathtaking pain for my fellow people of color and myself truly. You know, it just boggles my mind really, because as a teenager I can remember being so righteous. I was so completely adamant about my beliefs and the things I would do, and the way I would behave if I lived in a different time, in a different era. My grandmother, she was totally about it, reppin' the B.P.P.  all through her youth. Granted, I don't know how far that actually went for her, but I was told from numerous elderly that if you were black back then, you were down. And through school, I prided myself on saying things like " Man, if I were born a little bit earlier, I would be right with Malcolm shutting shit down!!" Obviously I realized, you can't really say what you would do.  Or how you would feel for that matter, in such a situation jam packed with devastating crisis until it is smack dab in front of you. Like right now. We are living, well barely, but we are living through the New Age Civil Rights Movement. There has been so much death in this one year alone. No let me get this right, so much black murder it's literally unprecedented.  And I really don't want to hear about black-on-black crime, and how it shouldn't be a big deal because "black people kill each other everyday." Excuse my French, but fuck that shit! Let's keep it real here people, the deaths we have endured from white privilege and white supremacy this year ON IT'S OWN is  unparalleled to the loss we see from the black on black crime everyone LOVES to spitball about. In my short life, I have mourned harder this year than any other year before me. Was I related to any of these people? No. Did that even fucking matter? No. Because even one loss that way, is one loss too many. As I read and watch the consistent massacre of my people I can just feel the lack of faith pouring in and the lack of love taking hold. Especially in Missouri, right now. Tears fall, as I can only imagine the sound of hundreds even thousands of brown skinned covered hearts shattering. And even though I am dripping in prayer, filled with angst and banking on better days right now, all I can say is this ;

My Melanin Soldiers, in Missouri, and worldwide really,  you have ALL my love. Those afflicted with white privlege and supremacy will try to put us in the ground, we are seeds, we will flourish. They will try to destroy our bodies ,thinking they can silence our spirits they  are wrong.  Be clear my loves, We are living in the New Age Civil Rights Movement and just like our predecessors before us we Will get knocked down only to rise again. Strength is infused with every shade of our beautiful race. It is our Birthright. ✊✊✊

Not in the Sandbox

I feel like this past week has been a rough one for me. I feel like those closest to me see me as the antagonist in my own life story. I honestly think though, that people are confusing "rude" "evil" or just straight up mean , with me being honest. Now I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that requires a person to be a bastard about everything they say, you know, like the whole "no offense but..." thing, but there are indeed levels to this shit.  Excuse me for making my point so bluntly but, I am a grown ass woman. As an adult in 2015,  ANYONE absolutely has the right to give not one fuck if they don't see fit. Point Blank Period. It's so strange to me too, that people get all offended, and all in a tizzy because others are choosing to be real with who they are and stand by what they believe. When did it start being okay to be a fraud? When did it start being okay to judge others and throw stones, when the same one's judging are making the biggest messes with their lives? Who the hell give anyone permission to tell anybody how to live, what to say  and what kind of person to be? Noone. And at this point, because we're all grown up now, if you don't like how I am then don't fucking talk to me! If you don't like how I handle things, stay away from me. People come into eachother's life to teach us things we can grow and learn from. They can affect us positively or negatively that choice relies on the individual and the individual alone. Either way, as much as you may love someone, nothing in this world is permanent. The same way someone  can be warmly welcomed into your life is the same way they can exit, and just as fast.  Let me reiterate, we are grown, it's time to put on our big girl panties and our big boy boxers and begin the journey of treating ourselves as such. We are now responsible for ourselves. That doesn't only apply to doing laundry, making sure you eat and paying a cell phone bill. That applies to emotional well-being and mental stability as well. No one is going to put anyone on time out for you. No one is going to hold your hand , no one is around to make you kiss and makeup with a person. The choice is  wholeheartedly yours. One has to love themselves enough to know what role each individual is playing in their life. Who is the pestilence, and who is the sunshine? Who are you stressing over and why? Differentiating longevity versus quality in friendship or any relationship for that matter, can be the difference between a life full of pain and a life full of joy. People often confuse longevity with quality, and those are usually the ones who aren't grown up yet. Just because you've known somebody for a long time doesn't mean they've positively affected you in a long time. You can know somebody your whole life and  since the day you met them they've brought you nothing but grief. How is that okay? How is that healthy? The answer is, it's not. Letting someone judge you based on what you believe is your personal truth, be it your morals,  religious beliefs, or sexual orientation, when did that become acceptable? Not sure? That's because it isn't. Step off of the playground, and into the real world because no one is going to look out for you better than you can.

The Value Of Shock

Today was all about reinvention for me, or at least I thought so at first. I woke up wondering what I wanted to be, and how I was going to convey the person that I believe that I am. I still don't have full clarity on those things, but I'm getting there. What I did know was, if you feel like you look good on the outside, that is a healthy and positive way to heal the negativity you may feel on the inside. Naturally, that led to a mini makeover of sorts. So I dyed my short natural cut. I'm happy about it. Now that I think of it, I'm actually pretty fearless when it comes to changing my hair. Probably because my motto is "hair is hair and it'll grow back". To be completely honest, that's probably why I change it so much. My hair is the one thing in my life that I was never really afraid to lose control over. My hair is where I feel the most free. Even if something were to go wrong, or I don't agree with the style or the color, I can just chop it off and start anew. I know there's something poetic in there somewhere. There's something really liberating about trying something new, making the conscious choice to be different in order to make yourself better or to remain true to who you already are. I've always believed there was something painstakingly wonderful hidden in the essence of surprise. Quite funny actually, my thought process as of now. I'm thinking, one  never really knows how much of a person's morals and beliefs go into the tiny little changes they make. So something as small and seemingly harmless as a makeover, or new hairdo can literally be the basis , the very foundation of someone's emotional anatomy. So doing the unexpected, delighting in the ambiguity of things,can truly be what drives a person to become a much grander version of what they ever believed they can be. I mean I'm no expert, so I can't really say for sure, and I could be reaching but then again, maybe not.

Found.

I  haven't blogged in a while because when you mask fear and overwhelming sadness with what you are taught to believe is unwavering "black woman" strength, you become uninspired. I've been sad. And quiet about it. What's worse is, I honestly thought I was exuding ferocious balance. But I was wrong. The word I was looking for was depression.  Last night, it hit me like two ton bricks, I am not built to hold all my pain inside. I am not obligated to pretend to be happy or strong when I feel polar opposite. Why does the burden of strength seem to only befall those with heavy hearts and tendons swollen with despair? I've come to realize that I don't give myself enough credit for being me. And I should. We all should. With heady thought, it came to me,we are expected to go through life with our head held high, grateful for all that we have and nothing else. Not to say that we  shouldn't be more than grateful for all the wonderful opportunities life bestows upon us, however, we also need to take time to recognize that surviving life is no easy feat. For me personally, life can get taxing to say the least. I'm in constant pain, and sometimes I get low realizing that on top of the breast pain that my masses cause,  there will never be a day in my life that I don't have Cerebral Palsy. It hurts my heart most days, that no matter how smart I am, no matter how "beat" my face is or how "on fleek" my nails are, I will still be a disabled girl on the surface. Even more so, it sucks that  disabled individuals don't even get recognized as ACTUAL PEOPLE who live happy functioning lives. We party, fall in love and have really great sex. Honestly, it's hard to fake happy and ignore that I resent the blatant ignorance "normal" people choose to exhibit. Especially with the growing trend of using people with disabilities as the pun to jokes that shouldn't exist in the first place. It gets rough. Overall, this epiphany has made me understand that pushing the sorrow down and choosing to drown in it is not a testament of strength, it is an omen of the beaten down, the detriment of the lost. Lucky for me, and all of us really, life doesn't stay in the same moment forever and our neither do our emotions. We will have pain, that's a given, but if we fight the natural urge to contain it all, with the false pretense that we are being warriors, joy is just an open heart away.