Found.

I  haven't blogged in a while because when you mask fear and overwhelming sadness with what you are taught to believe is unwavering "black woman" strength, you become uninspired. I've been sad. And quiet about it. What's worse is, I honestly thought I was exuding ferocious balance. But I was wrong. The word I was looking for was depression.  Last night, it hit me like two ton bricks, I am not built to hold all my pain inside. I am not obligated to pretend to be happy or strong when I feel polar opposite. Why does the burden of strength seem to only befall those with heavy hearts and tendons swollen with despair? I've come to realize that I don't give myself enough credit for being me. And I should. We all should. With heady thought, it came to me,we are expected to go through life with our head held high, grateful for all that we have and nothing else. Not to say that we  shouldn't be more than grateful for all the wonderful opportunities life bestows upon us, however, we also need to take time to recognize that surviving life is no easy feat. For me personally, life can get taxing to say the least. I'm in constant pain, and sometimes I get low realizing that on top of the breast pain that my masses cause,  there will never be a day in my life that I don't have Cerebral Palsy. It hurts my heart most days, that no matter how smart I am, no matter how "beat" my face is or how "on fleek" my nails are, I will still be a disabled girl on the surface. Even more so, it sucks that  disabled individuals don't even get recognized as ACTUAL PEOPLE who live happy functioning lives. We party, fall in love and have really great sex. Honestly, it's hard to fake happy and ignore that I resent the blatant ignorance "normal" people choose to exhibit. Especially with the growing trend of using people with disabilities as the pun to jokes that shouldn't exist in the first place. It gets rough. Overall, this epiphany has made me understand that pushing the sorrow down and choosing to drown in it is not a testament of strength, it is an omen of the beaten down, the detriment of the lost. Lucky for me, and all of us really, life doesn't stay in the same moment forever and our neither do our emotions. We will have pain, that's a given, but if we fight the natural urge to contain it all, with the false pretense that we are being warriors, joy is just an open heart away.