Pained Holiday

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Things have been pretty rough, on my end. Christmas day was fine, I got the chance to see some family, eat some food and get in some quality time. Christmas evening however, my body started freaking out a little. There was some sort of lump under my arm and my left side started to swell, and I couldn't raise my arm. As I've mentioned before, my body is extremely fragile, and it is very frustrating running to the hospital for every little thing. So naturally, I just put a compress on it and waited for the swelling to subside. That was mistake number one. By Sunday the pain was so unbearable that I had no choice but to go to hospital. The emergency room to be exact. Upon arrival, I was told that I had "the worst strand of bacterial infection ever seen." I was told that I would have to get my underarm cut open and drained out. I was not prepared for the mini surgery I was faced with. To be completely honest, I was petrified. I actually tried to get out of it by informing them that I had eaten so there was no possible way they could put me under any scalpel. They calmly informed me that I couldnt afford to wait and that they needed to act now so the precedure would  have to be done while I was still awake. The doctor who performed the precedure was very kind. His name was Kevin. He numbed me to the best of his abilites and preceded to create and incision wide enough to smell the gross bacteria and see some really sticky blood. Scary, is an understament.  But all I could do was breathe and be as still as humanly possible, knowing that if he didnt get out as much bacteria as he could I would have to be admitted. That was two days ago, and I'm just grateful I made it through. Today I'll be going back to the hospital so they can check the incision for further infection and if there is, I have to do the precedure all over again. So I'm really hoping for the best news. At this point, all I really want is to not feel like a burden to those around me. That, along with having enough strength to bring in the New Year happily because to be truthful, this whole situation is way less than ideal.

Not Quite The Grinch.

Yesterday was such a rough day for me, so much so, that I couldn't bring myself to even write about it. That's okay though because yesterday is exactly that, over. Today however, has just begun and it's Christmas Eve. Just a warning beforehand, my blog game may be a little weak for the next week or so because; holidays. I definitely will  make it my business to do at least one last post before 2016 begins. Anyway, we are on the edge of Christmas and not one drop of snow has fallen. I kind of think that Mother Nature has caught my lack of yuletide jollies.  It isn't that I'm not happy that Christmas is basically here, I just don't feel that warm, fuzzy mystical feeling I usually encounter during holiday time. Maybe I'm speaking too soon, it could kick in later today or early tomorrow morning. I'm actually not sure. It may be because I'm not exactly sure what Christmas even means to me anymore.  Not necessarily including the devout religious foundation of it, Christmas for me, used to symbolize family,strength, joy and my version of faith. As far as family goes, my tree, poisoned by the pestilence that is hatred and bitterness,is looking more like a bruised and battered, house plant. Very few petals in bloom. In terms of strength, I am more than aware that I have conquered so much since this time last year and for that I smile, that doesn't take away from the fact that being that strong all the time can get exhausting. As exhausting as, my version of  faith  being tested at every waking moment, which has, on more than one occasion drained  my joy. You know what though, I do have people who love me, and they all made it to this Christmas Eve alive and enlightened. On the strength of that, I am grateful. Hopefully, the some holly filled cheer will find me before the day is done.Who knows, maybe I'll bump into some Christmas spirit, on the way to the supermarket or something.

Queens Are Damned.

Today, thanks to a conversation I was having with someone near and dear to me,  the unarguable truth that  women get a really egregious rap, hit me like a truck to the gut.  Saying that, I mean society as a whole doesn't really think too highly of women. Especially not black women. Not unless we're taking our clothes off and displaying our bodies for the world to see. Not that there's anything wrong with that, trust me, I hate clothes. I just often times, find myself wishing that the muscles and meat we choose to expose could receive less attention than the muscle protected by our skulls.  There are BRAINS inside these juicy bodies, you know?  I don't even think we're realized as actual  human beings with souls and feelings, rather than conquest to be mounted upon or prizes to be flaunted. In the day-to-day struggle (black) women have way too much to deal with. We are in a constant battle between following what we believe is right within ourselves and balancing our internal weight underneath the scrutiny the world has put on us. We have to be proud of, share, and advocate for our own sexual agency. All the while, dodging the stones casted upon us for doing so. We must be free birds and we must be delicate flowers. We must be strong but not intimidating to man. We hold up so much with the sheer will of weathered fingertips. God forbid, we let consistent societal misogyny anger us. No one enjoys an angry black woman. Men, and even some women need to realize we are not meant for anyone's enjoyment but our own. It is no one's job to tell us where to cultivate our strength from. Every woman has her own muse, every woman gets empowerment from somewhere, a place only SHE can choose. Even in daily conversation, for women, fuckery insues. If it's not the nonstop patriarchal bullshit "compliments" and testosterone dripping rhetoric, then it's insult after insult for calling a man out on just that.  Black Women, we try we really do. If we keep anger inside, we are said to be "holding a grudge" but if we let it go and try to move forward,  every man is suddenly a bonafide doctor and is completely capable of diagnosing us with bipolar disorder. HMPH. I might as well keep it ALL THE WAY REAL and say, us being legitimately angry at all just HAS to be some EMOTIONAL response from some sort of hormonal IMBALANCE. It just happens to MANIFEST from the inside. Fuck that shit. That whole notion to go straight to hell, to be frank. Honestly, it's all the more proof that we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't. So you know what, do you and only you.  No matter what anyone tells you, you're sexy as hell anyway.

Fuck A Ruse

Quick question; Is it possible for someone to seriously be BLANTANTLY obtuse? Are there REALLY people in the world who are THAT unaware of how their actions affect others? I don't understand how people can just walk around, doing and saying ridiculous things and not care about the consequences. If you care about someone, it is common knowledge to avoid behaving in any way that would cause that particular person pain. Don't get me wrong sometimes things happen, and you don't even realize how what you did or said could have been taken out of context and blown out of proportion. On the other hand, I firmly believe that certain people are fully aware of the things they do and say, but just want to be assholes anyway. I also came to realize, situations like the aforementioned, are more painful when they seem to be coming out of absolutely nowhere. If everything was just fine between you and a person not too long ago, and they approach you with this sudden "I don't give a crap about anything, including you"  attitude, you're bound to be completely baffled. There's nothing I hate more than communicating with someone who chooses not to be completely honest.  Instead, choosing to hold onto a grudge that was NEVER expressed. In turn, concocting a RUSE  that  SEEMS to be aptly complying with the needs YOU may have expressed during the communication, but in reality are bursts of petty anger. In the immortal words of Sweet Brown,  "Ain't nobody got time time for that!" If a person is not going to express how they truly feel from the beginning, then what is the point of having the conversation in the first place? To come to some faux understanding? Why even waste the energy? If that person chooses to use their energy to be petty, distant and speak AT you, as if they never cared, that's their prerogative. It is not YOUR job to force anyone to understand where you are coming from. Nor to listen to nonsense. If a person is making the conscious decision to NOT give predominantly positive vibes to the nature of your relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, bestfriend, family member or ANYONE in inbetween, it's cutoff time. If for nothing else, then because you owe yourself more than that. The world is way too big, to hold on to something or someone that is damaging you. Lose a loved one, meet someone, build a bond and you have a new one, in no time. It is beyond vital, to love and respect YOU first and foremost, no matter what.

The Death Of The Butterflies

Crushes, connections and relationships are such funny things to me. It's interesting  how someone can a person can go from being so smitten with someone one minute, to barely touching the surface of connection the next. What happens in life to result in such durastic change, so rapidly? In the begining everything is exciting and fresh. One finds themselves looking forward to every new day, never wanting to stifle or stunt the growth of ongoing conversation. Every moment is full of butterflies and flirty innuendos. The juices of giddiness are constantly flowing and you find yourself high on the sensualness of it all. With time though, all that slows down. The novelty wears off. What was once a welcomed mystery has now become routine. The bond fades and the same neglect and emptiness you ran from in the past has returned, with a vengence. Only in the from of a person you swore you adored. So what's to be done when some who you thought really vibed with you, doesn't seem to be paying you much mind anymore, or obviously rather be spending their time doing seemly less important things? The only thing you can do, slowly but sternly fall back. Occupy your time with other things as well as people. Time is precious and should be treated as such. Waiting for someone to notice you and give you the attention you believe you deserve is a good way to waste it. That's  not to say you no longer care about the person you once were so in sync with, you just value your needs more. There's no fault in that. Use the opportunity to learn new things about yourself, what you enjoy and what hidden talents you have yet to discover. Meeting people that feed your intellectual hunger can help you grow into a a stronger, more vibrant person.

Sober.

Some people say the more time one spends by themselves the more they become accoustomed to it. To the point that they are not only used to it , but they begin to enjoy, as well as prefer it. I can see how that would be true for some people. Especially those with overly packed days, who practically have to schedule breathing just to get a moment to themselves. For those individuals alone time is much coveted, and once recieved, cherished. I'm not really sure if that notion applies to everyone though. Some people can't really handle being alone for too long, due to the fact that alone can turn into LONELY in the blink of an eye. Trust me when I say, there is absolutely a difference.  To be perfectly honest, I feel like I fit into the second category more often than not. Obviously, I know you can't have someone with you every second of every day. We are a people with lives that dont go on pause for anyone. Not even ourselves sometimes. Still though, as analytical as I am, being left alone, is being left with my worst enemy. Myself. It's incredibly easy to be ambushed by your own thoughts, wishes and memories. Wishing that you were a better version of yourself, so you can shine where you believe  it truly counts. Replaying things over in your head, willing yourself to do them differently, all the while being fully aware that what's done is done. It's almost like re-reading a book that broke your heart, but still holding out hope for a happier ending. That is what being alone is for someone who is constantly in their own head. Sounds like hell, right? Feels like it too, most days. Being surrounded by people, is not only when people like myself come most alive, but it's an area in which we thrive. We are very sociable and charismatic, along with the fact that noone has the time to beat themselves up emotionally and make people laugh simultaneously. Noone in the world is that good of a multitasker. I can't really describe any more than I have already attempted, what happens when there is no one around to enchant, mentally stimulate or beguile. All I can say is, it's quite sobering. And who doesn't want to be a little high sometimes, whatever the vice.

Overkill

What I learned in boating school is... no seriously, the lesson that I took heed to today is: It is not only okay to know when to let go, it is imperative.  Somethings and some PEOPLE can be extremely poisonous  to one's health. It also dawned on me that a person doesn't even have to hurt you directly, to cause you tremendous pain. If an individual you care deeply for,  has someone in their life whose aura doesn't radiate positivity from a mere first impression, let them go, because your gut instinct usually doesn't steer you wrong. If your alledged loved one is continously making the concious choice to keep overall negativity around them, even at the cost of losing those who love them most, let them go. There should never be ANYONE in your corner that ALLOWS someone to tarnish your spirit, personality or physical being in any way, shape or form. In the unfortunate instance that is does play out that way, it means they were never in your corner to begin with. No REAL loved one would sit idly by while letting negative people and energy affect their longstanding relationship with family and friends. It brings forth the painful questioning as to why, why a person would even feel comfortable slandering your name to someone who is supposed to love and revere you? Something had to be said in agreeance, to make them feel at ease with speaking so callously. With loved ones like that,  enemies are simply overkill. It is perfectly acceptable to realize when enough is enough. When the mouth you fed faithfully, has bit your hand for the last and final time and when the bridge is nothing but an ash-filled memory. It is more than okay to say, So long and good riddance.

Pants on Fire?

Everyone says they want people to be honest with them at all times. The overall consensus is that liars are terrible people, who deserve to be alone. Let me say this, lying is not a good thing to do. Especially not when the truth is simpler to deal with. However, I'm convinced that not everybody wants to hear truth all the time. I mean, you really have to step outside yourself and truly think about how daunting that would be. I'm not saying I just walk around blatantly lying to people, but I am fully aware that there's different degrees in which it is socially acceptable to be just a little dishonest. For instance, if your sweet old Grams came down with something really terrible, resulting in her admittance into the hospital, at which point she said"How do I look honey?" NOONE in their right mind is going to say "Well Grams, you look like cold shit, on a hot stick."  While that very well may be what the truth is,  it is highly inappropriate, not to mention insensitive to talk to your grandmother like that. Most of us have the good sense enough to lie. And I don't think there's one person in this world that would penalize someone for trying to make their grandmother smile.  Sometimes, It really frustrates me when people say, "tell me the truth even if I get mad, I'll get over it." The whole point in lying is to avoid the anger entirely. In truth, the whole" I'll get over it" thing IS a bold face lie. When a person tell someone something that they don't want to hear, truth be damned, they don't "get over it". It is nowhere near as simple as one would like to make it seem. People harbor by nature. We are sensitive creatures. Even if we don't mean to feel certain way about something, even if we fully intend  to take the hard dose of truth  in stride, it is not possible not to hold on to the sting. Even for the slightest second it is difficult to let go of the offending statement.  Why? That's an easy answer, we as humans absolutely detest being told what we already know about ourselves deep down inside. Individually, we are our worst critics, so when people go out of their way to point out our personal truth, and hold the metaphorical mirror up to our faces, anger and defensiveness is an inevitability.  Humans swear we know what we want, until the very moment it is received. Honesty is wonderful. Everyone should do their best to be as honest as they possibly can, even more so without any emotional harm done. Still, there is a difference between being honest or blunt and just being a complete asshole. Everyone loves to "keep it real" not realizing that they're just keeping it real ignorant. Quite frankly, if everyone told the truth ALL THE TIME, EVERY moment EVERY single second of EVERY day, no matter what, I'm almost positive the earth as we know it would implode. From the sheer density of spiraling insecurity alone. Expressing this, is not me giving the okay to do something reckless and hurtful, like commit perjury in court or cheat on your significant other, and not admit it when shes/he asks. It's just my way of saying, in certain instances, lying can be as merciful as it is damaging. The choice to implement it in our daily lives, is not to be taken lightly. One should be willing to accept whatever comes their way, regardless of their decision.

Zesty

For a couple of weeks now, in a valiant attempt to be a better version of myself, I've been putting way healthier things in my body than I normally do. My favorite healthy thing right now, besides the obvious fruits of course, is lemon water. Honestly at first I was highly skeptical. I'm an avid water drinker, so my thoughts were how could adding a lemon to the water I already drink make a significant difference for me? Surprisingly, I do feel like lemon water does help me clean out the toxins and break my food down a bit better. I've seen more of the toilet in these last 3 weeks than have in 3 months. I also feel more energized in normal. Still, I'm waiting for the other unbelievable benefits to take effect. I mean, I know I just started and everything, so I don't expect anything immediate. I'm just really excited to be taking positive steps forward to a better well being. The thing I'm most excited about, with trying this lemon water is the incredible booth that it gives to my immune system. Everyone who knows me knows by now that my immune system is borderline faulty. Bad weather and cold air kick my ass  on the daily basis. I could use all the help that I can get in the strength building department, without a doubt. I feel slimmer too, even though I'm not sure that I lost any weight just yet. I hope so. I do have a few questions though. Like, how many times can you reuse the lemons you put in your water until are no longer viable? Also how much lemon water should you drink a day? Is it the same amount as regular water? Or is it less because of the possibility that lemon can erode the enamel on your teeth? I'm probably just look it up as soon as I get a free minute. Yay, google! Being conscientious of your body's health isn't easy when you're so used to putting, essentially crap, inside of yourself. I'm extremely proud of myself for putting my best foot forward. I can not wait to see major results.

Lulu ♡.

Today is a very sad day for me. I am heartbroken because one of my fellow warriors passed away. Her name was Lucinda Rivera, but I called her "Lulu." Lulu and I initially met at Beth Isreal, a hospital on the Lower East Side, the very first time I realized I would be having surgery to remove pieces of the abnormalties I had growing inside of my breast. I was twenty. Lulu was five. Lulu had already become accustomed to going under the knife, due to the fact that she had Leukemia.  By then I'd already survived numerous surgeries, due to being born with Cerebral Palsy, yet and still, I was afraid because this was the first time a knife would be cutting me above my waist. I remember Lulu turning to me as I was filling out some papers and saying " Don't worry, everything will be just great. I do this all the time it's not that hard, see..." When I looked up from my forms, Lulu had taken off her hat, which revealed a head full surgery scars, some more recent than others. I knew from that  exact moment,  whatever I faced, from here on out I had be brave about it. If she could do it, so could I. I saw Lulu several more times after that day, it turns out we ended up being referred to the same place. The Cancer Center, which is  also located on the Lower East Side. Every time Lulu saw me, even after my surgery she would say "Don't be a Chicken ZeeZee, Even if it hurts you have to be a big girl, like me" And because of that, I was. She gave me the strength to be brave. The last time I saw Lulu, was a couple months ago, long after I got the news that my masses had grown back, and that even though they wouldn't be killing me anytime soon, I would be in pain for the rest of my life.  I was getting my blood pressure checked and scolded by my doctor to easy up on the stress. It was just before my twenty second birthday. Lulu had come in for a routine checkup. She was wearing a pink tutu with white polka dots, carrying a butterfly shaped wand. She ran up to me and gave me a hug, but she squeezed too tight. The pain shot through my breast like I had gotten stung by a bee, and when she realized she hurt me she  waved her wand and said "There I poofed the pain away" I don't know what Lulu did, but the stinging did indeed, subside. Shortly after that, I turned twenty-two, had crazy summer adventures and come September, moved into my new home. Even though I hadn't seen her in a while, I never stopped thinking about Lulu.  Her doctor and my doctor were friends, so my doctor was kind enough to check up on her progress and let me know she was hanging in there. Until today.  Today, the angel that was Lucinda Rivera, received her wings. Lulu was strong, Lulu was beautiful and positive, every chance she got. It hurts me to my core that life her was so short, but I know, by the way she affected me, and countless others, it was more than meaningful. Rest in peace Lulu, ZeeZee loves you. Always.

The Two-Ton Chip

One of the things that drives me crazy in this day and age, is people's ability to be completely comfortable with their own lack of professionalism. Don't get me wrong, I know everybody gets frustrated and tired while at work. And there is a such thing as working smarter, not harder.  However, there is a difference between working smarter and not working at all. I remember telling you guys some time last week that I had an unfortunate encounter with a lady in my management office. Well today, I called them, simply to make sure the loose ends that I tied up were double knotted, and she sent my call to voicemail. Twice. Little did she know, my management friend Kris was waiting for my call. He realized she chose to ignore them, as a result he came all the way to my house, apologized for the inconvenience and asked me to sign some papers. He went on to make excuses for her, saying how "crazy" things were in the office, and how is hard to keep track blah blah blah. I now understand exactly what was happening in from of me,  he knows how disrespectful she is , it's just not much he can do about it. He is too busy doing his job properly to even care. I can't even begin to comprehend why she's still working there  if it CLEARLY makes her a miserable shrew to sit there all day.  Seriously, if you hate your job so much that you have to be rude to a woman you don't even know to make yourself feel better, please PLEASE quit. I didn't ask her to be apart of management of the development that I happen to live in. I've done nothing but respect and be polite with her since I moved here. Nonetheless shes shitty and she's okay with it. Apparently everybody else is too if they're continuously making excuses for her. It is perfectly fine if you're content in the hell that is doing something strictly for pay purposes, completely devoid of joy. If that truth does indeed apply to you or your situation, you have no one to blame but yourself. It is never okay to just be a jerk to someone who has nothing to do with the reason why the constant chip being carried around his wing heavily down on your shoulder. Some people really need to get it together. Whatever happened to doing your job with some damn decency?!

Peanut Butter and Jelly

There are two types of people in this world. The ones that thrived with  full-frontal, functional family support and the ones that survived through severe dysfunction and adversity. That's not to say that each individual person, in each individual family hasn't had their own custom-made struggle, because everyone's meant to. However,  the frustration and angst that comes with standard growth, normally nurtured by love of course, and the  disheartening pain that follows instability, loneliness and chaos are NOT one in the same. I'm learning though, that no matter where you fall in on the spectrum, you should be grateful for either situation.  Simply because,  putting aside the fact that no matter how shitty you may think your life is, there IS someone out there who has it worse than you, each of these upbringings are capable of cultivating very strong, driven overall wonderful human beings. If you come from a family full of love and support, then you've been conditioned from birth to love yourself, believe in yourself and know that no matter what, even if everything completely falls apart, your family has your back. That's pretty much as excellent as it gets, because you are whole-heartedly aware that you don't have to go through anything painful alone and you're going to make it through to the other side, relatively unscathed. Having unconditional love can get you through pretty much anything. On the other hand, if you come from a family full of dysfunction and chaos, although you may not have been conditioned from birth to believe in yourself, surviving on your own from young is condition enough. You already know that whatever comes your way you're going to demolish it. For no other reason than the fact that you've been demolishing obstacles your entire life, all by yourself. Sure it may hurt not to have that warm fuzzy feeling that being surrounded by your family gets you, but nothing beats the feeling of swelling pride, knowing that you literally battle the worst situations, and have been knocked down too many times to count but you're still standing. That is a warrior's lifestyle. The greatest thing about the two types of people that come from these two very different lifestyles is that they usually find each other. Compliment each other. Help each other grow, help each other heal. Those who have grown with love can show the ones who haven't how good it feels to be accepted/cared about and reassure them that they won't be cast away again. Those who have grown having only themselves for support, can help their opposites adjust to "grown-up" life. Comfortably living responsibly, without the safety net running to their parents for every minor setback. I believe that these two groups need eachother to balance out every  crazy circumstance that life is capable of. They just fit well together, two peas in the same pod, like ying and yang, or Netflix and Chill.

Bulletproof Prayers

I need to write because if I don't write I will cry. Constantly. I follow a man on Facebook named Shaun King, he is very active in BLM Cause. Anything that I don't find out on my own, I usually hear about on his pages. I see a kindred spirit in his passion, and completely respect his sense of urgency. I went to bed relatively early last night because I didn't feel very well. It wasn't until today, that I saw what Shaun King posted last night. He put up a video recorded by someone else, of a black man being executed  by at least FIVE police officers in San Francisco. Naturally, there's a back story. Apparently, this man stabbed someone minutes prior to his execution and it was said that he still has the knife on him at the time of his murder. I've watched this video about a dozen times, searching for that knife. And nothing. Let me say, that if that man had really stabbed someone and still had the assault weapon in his possession then he wholeheartedly deserved to get arrested, and do some time in jail. Hurting people is wrong. That being said, they did not arrest that man, they did not try to non-brutally disarm that man. Those "Officers of the Law", killed that man. Multiple bullets were involved and it looked like smack dab in the middle of the day. As if they all got together and said "Hey guys, I'm bored, let's take a black man's life on our lunch break cool? Cool." Seeing it, hearing it, my  tears couldn't flow fast enough. To be completely honest with you guys what this man did alleged or otherwise, that point is moot now. It doesn't matter what he did NOONE DESERVES TO DIE LIKE THAT. Everyday civilians literally get more time in jail for being less cruel to an animal.( Yes, animal abuse is terrible too) The issue here is, this man was a human being and he was snuffed out as if somebody was getting a fee behind his last breath or something. What the actual hell? This happened YESTERDAY. I just laid my eyes on it today.  The wound is so fresh for me that I haven't gotten this black man's name yet. I didn't have the time, I was already mourning before I saw the end of the video. That's the saddest realization of this world today, you don't have to know names, back stories, or even ages at this point. The sadness doesn't end. And I wish these politicians would stop offering up their prayers. It's not that I don't believe in God, because even though I'm nowhere near religious, I still believe that a higher power is involved with my journey. So it's not the offering of the prayer that's the problem, it's giving the prayer as a blatant substitute for absolute nothingness. These politicians and authority figures are giving prayer because they refuse to do or offer anything of actual substance. I'm pretty sure I can speak for all my people when I say, unless these prayers are bulletproof, we don't need them we don't want them.

Mental Toddlers

I'm having a bit of a rough day today. I'm learning that not everyone you meet in this world, is going to be  kind.  I was a full blown adult this morning. I handled my responsibilities early in the day so I can reap the benefits of relaxing later. However, in the process of doing that,  I ended up compromising my immune system and now I'm suffering the consequences. I had to go to my management office to make sure everything that I needed to do was taken care of. I got there nice and early, and I saw one of the management ladies already there. So naturally I thought this would be easy trip, no nonsense and no waiting there for an obscene period of time. Boy, was I wrong. The management lady proceeded to watch me stand outside, in the cold, while she was inside drinking her coffee for about an hour. Its not like she didn't see me, or she wasn't focused. We made eye contact 6 times within that 45 minute span. I'm not exaggerating when I say my face was beet red, I was tearing and I had mucus building up in my nostrils. I know gross right, and she enjoyed the whole show. Eventually, the guy that I normally deal with showed up. He's always kind, very polite. When he saw my appearance, he was very concerned. He went on to ask me why I was standing outside for so long and when I made it clear to him that his co-worker had not let me in, the first thing she said to him was "I thought she had a key."  It was obvious to all of us, that she knew I did not live there. Otherwise, I would not have stood outside for longer than the mere second it takes to press my magnetic key to my own door. I never really understood why people act like jerks and then have the audacity to pretend they're not. What's the point in that, truthfully speaking? Is it fun? It boggles my mind really , if you're going to pretend that you're not the worst human being ever, obviously that means you have the good sense to be ashamed of yourself for being disgusting so why bother? Anyway, she hurt my feelings, and I'm probably going to be sick for the rest of the week. I didn't go crazy though, (in her face anyway) I didn't disrespect her or treat her like the ass she was. I just handle my business and left. Just amazing to me how some people never really mature, simply age, and then go on terrorize decent people for no reason with each passing year. Get a damn hobby!

School, Of Hard Knocks

I was doing  some hardcore reminiscing of my youth today, and I've come to an alarming conclusion.  One of the worst things any adult can do to a child is plague them with a double standard.  I'm not only referring to your run-of-the-mill boy/girl double standard either. Even though growing up with brothers, I was victim to a few of those, on more than one occasion.
Authority Figure: "Be home by 8:30"
Angsty version of me: "But Pooshie ( MY LITTLE BROTHER) has til 9:30"
Authority Figure: "Well Pooshie is a boy and a well behaved one at that"
Angsty version of me: * mumbles something rude and depressing under my breath for fear of getting slapped*
In my brother's defense, he WAS punished less than I was AND we're only two years apart, which is not that serious when you're 20 and 22, but it's a world away when your 13 and 15. Still though, that's only part of the whole double standard spectrum. The other part of the double standard disaster that I was subjected to was: children who acted up in school vs children who had their act together, aka me. Now don't get me wrong, I know NOW that the children who acted up just needed some tender love and care. They were the ones who just needed to be pointed in the right direction, so they can be reassured that they are doing, ultimately what is best for them in the long run. Trust me. I understand. Now. As a child, and even the younger part of my adolescent years, I couldn't for the life of me fathom WHYYY?!? Let me elaborate, when "bad kids" did HALF a worksheet they got credit for "trying" but when good kids like me did the entire worksheet we only received credit if the answer was actually correct. It was so crappy too, because if the class was math the answer was usually wrong, no matter the effort. It was the same way in a lot of group work we were forced to do. I HATED group work. With the passion of a thousand suns. Once again, the good kids working hard, pulling all the weight just for the sloth-inclined to put their name on it when it's all done. Do the good kids get recognized AND PRAISED for their hard work? Rarely. Yet they feel the "troubled kids" need a parade. Balloons included. When I used to go home and complain about this to my parents, all they would say is, "why do you need a reward for doing what you're supposed to do?" I swear, I used to get so blinding mad I would have to go in my room and close the door. This double standard is BEYOND poisonous for the youth of today. Not only because it is unfair, but because it messes with the  self-esteem of the "good children" all the while condoning, coddling and stunting the potential progression of the "bad children." If you praise one group of kids and not another, or if you praise one group of kids differently from the other, one group is bound to feel like they are "not good enough." If you make excuses for and/or except behavior beneath the norm, while continuing to praise the completion of the bare minimum, then one group will never know real work ethic. In turn, making them ill-preped for the real world. Neither one of these situations it's healthy for the adolescent mind, as adults we must stop, analyze, and find a new healthy system to this learning thing. Before it's too late to do anything about it.