Stolen Sanity

I realized just recently, that I need to start commending myself more, on my resilience. I've had way too many rough days this week. Not the kind of rough when you've found yourself forgetting to set your alarm clock and  in result, wake up late. Not even the kind of rough that entails  you packing your purse pre- workday only to arrive there and realize you left your phone home. I've been encountering the kind of rough that ensures once you're apart of it , it may not necessarily matter if you survive it, because regardless you will never be the same. The kind of rough that makes you question every waking day, of every waking moment in your whole entire life. What sucks the most about this is, most of the stuff that hurts when you dwell on it, is already said and done. Because the past is unchangeable. That's the hardest part to get over. You think of all the things you could have been. All the things you could have accomplished, that may or may not have shaped your future differently. And you'll never know now. All you can really do is accept how shitty hand you were dealt actually is, and try to play that hand as prettily as you can. So in the end, you can come out on top and smiling. What I don't understand is, why  do people who choose to put this kind of rough on someone else's well-being act as if it is impossible to take accountability for their actions? How can someone manifesting that type of evil,even sleep? The truth to that is, they can sleep because they don't care, nor have they ever. That's always  the common misconception. We as humans, assume that because we have some type of deep rooted connection to someone, biologically, romantically, mentally that they are  bound to do right by us. Simply on the strength of how we've treated them our whole lives. We fail to realize that even people who don't manifest evil, don't necessarily have to treat us how we treat them. So why exactly would anyone with that insurmountable cesspool of hatred and overall instability  inside of them, do anything remotely kind-hearted? They wouldn't. And it would be wise to never believe that they would, ever again. That's the only plausible way to keep and/or regain the mental sanctuary that is your mind. The same mind that you didn't quite catch was, wholeheartedly and  vehemently "misplaced" when the new overwhelming reality unfolded.

"And" NOT "Or"

As a black woman, I must say that I get highly offended when I advocate for  the sexual agency of myself and others and get seen as some sort of "Hoe" or "Hoe lover." Even more disgusting, are these hotep ass black men and unawakened black women who scream #BlackLivesMatter but refuse to acknowledge that it is okay for a woman to be  sexual and dress however she sees fit and act however she sees fit, without having her black girl magic revoked. The really devastating part of all this is that I don't even think black women understand that the word "Hoe" is a black man-made word. It is used to express the angst and hatred that deluded black men have for black women for choosing to love themselves. Black women who don't know any better, or at least act the part, add fuel to the inevitable fire by bringing more life to this word, as well as others.  Hoe, Slut, Thot, Skank, Slide. Are all words that say, even if you have a 4.0 GPA or close to it, even if you have TWO ivy league degrees like our First Lady Michelle Obama, even if you are business savvy , entrepreneurial, an artist of some sort or musically inclined, if you are independently, unapologetically sexual YOU ARE NOTHING. If you dress like you own your body , if you twerk and move your hips in AND out of the club scene , if you choose to have sexual freedom, the kind that patriarchal society gets commended on , if you have more than one baby at what the world sees as "too young" your accomplishments cease to exist. All you are now is Hoe, Slut, Thot,Skank, Slide. That's a shame. If black men don't get punished or penalized for what they do with their bodies when they see fit then why should black women?  Black men love to fetishize us. Catcall us. Harass us. For our big lips , full breast,ample behinds, and wide hips. Drunk with objectification. Yet and still, are oddly silent when we want to wear what we want. Sleep with who we want. Dance where we want. Give attention to who we please. As if our bodies were soley made for the control and appeasement of the black man's penis. Spouting all that foolishness " Women should dress how they want to be adressed" that is LITERALLY  the same thing as saying "If that black man's pants are sagging he MUST be a thug, with no future, therefore we are MANDATED to treat him as such." Complete and utter fuckery. The same way black men should be able to talk and dress and walk wherever and do what they see fit without the very real possibility of losing their life to bias, racist police, black women are owed that same respect from black men. Without question nor hesitation. This also applies to the LBGTQI community, with lesbians who choose to absorb the "hotep male mentality" and bestow it upon their partners, seemingly forgetting that they too, are women. Get your shit together. Black women don't have to make a choice. Black women should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies without being shamed in anyway. There is no "intellectual OR sexual?" complex. That only exist in the world men want women to abide by. It's intellectual AND sexual. Get over it. To disrespect the black woman is to disrespect yourself. Seriously.

Rubbing Alcohol & Band- Aids

Quite early this morning, I realized that 90% of the excuses that people come up with not to do something are complete and utter bullshit. The other 10% are genuine reasons, and life altering situations that tend to keep a person away from something that they honestly wanted to and were excited about doing. Bluntly speaking, if you really want something or someone in your life nothing and no one will stop you from achieving that.  Save, obviously, life and death. There's no such thing as too busy, too far or too much. If someone wants you in their life, they will find a way get you there and keep you there. Dedication and drive are everything. They are the thin line between "I care about you, you're so great"  and "I want you to be a permanent fixture in my life forever, and I'll do whatever it takes to show you." They differentiate and separate the speculators from the executors. If you want something, don't just sit around and talk about what it would be like to have it , make a plan, a thorough one and unfold it, unwaveringly. The concentration alone, will guarantee success for any endeavor. Excuses are nothing more than a first aid kit for the spineless. Making it so easy, for cowards to look like well intentioned do- gooders who were "so close" to getting what they "really wanted." (Insert eyeroll here.) There's not enough time in the world to afford to waste any of it. What's worse is, most of the spineless inclined have people out there who truly believe in them. Loved ones and close friends and coworkers who honestly want these spineless individuals to succeed. Not ever realizing that they set themselves up for perpetual disappointment. I personally, believe that it's not that the spineless don't love the people who root for them enough to properly attain greatness, they just don't care about themselves enough and want it bad enough to even TRY. Instead, choosing to focus on a preset, non confirmed "truth" that they are all too happy to be hindered by. I'll tell you one thing though, the people like me, who are consistently on the side of and hoping for the best for the cowards that exist in all our worlds, are growing extremely tiresome of it. We won't be around, hoping, waiting and believing forever. At the very least, I know I won't.

The Planner.

I had a conversation this morning that made me grateful for being the person that I am. A friend and I were basically talking about what it means to leave things to chance and what it means to be prepared for things. I exclaimed that there was nothing wrong with using the analytical and logical parts of your brain to get the outcomes you see fit. Furthering that,  that particular mental state can be applied to any situation whether it is a personal matter  or one pertaining to business. My friend wholeheartedly disagreed with me. She said that I shouldn't even say things like that, because it would be difficult for me to attain anyone's trust. Yet and still, using your analytical and logical brain to get the outcome you want has less to do about the manipulation of a person and more to do about the manipulation of one's default personality. Making little discrete changes to oneself to see forth the outcome desired. That's not necessarily manipulation either, more so, adaptability. If you care about a person and you find yourself growing infatuated with them, it wouldn't be wise to start your relationship based on lies. Obviously however, you're going to do your best to put the best version of yourself forward so the object of your adoration will be intrigued with you. Not lying. Not manipulation. Adaptability. My friend felt as though you should leave things like that to chance and let the proverbial pieces fall where they may. I will always stand by my stance on not necessarily wanting to "wing it" leaving possibility for error or missed opportunity. If that is something one can easily prevent then why shouldn't they? For nobility? Why would that even be a issue if the only one aware of sudden humbleness is that individual person? People are always adamant about maintaining some sort of moral high ground. Without realizing that the definition of morality and nobility is relative and this is depending on the circumstantial evidence. Being prepared for things, especially in personal affairs doesn't automatically imply that whatever feelings may exist are less genuine. In my opinion it  displays much naiveté to even assume so. If anything, being prepared and having a set execution could only show how much you care because you took the time away from the humdrum uncertainty of being completely oblivious to be unapologetically aware. There is no harm or fault in that, as it should be commended. Besides, I've never heard of anyone losing life or limb for being overly prepared, have you?

Synced.

 It's March already, damn that was quick. I've had a lot going on  this past week and I haven't had the time to really check in. Today I've learned that in any relationship, it is important to be on the same page at some point. If you don't make it your absolute mission to have a mutual understanding throughout, then whatever you are trying achieve by being in that relationship, is futile. Nothing can survive when it is broken or out of sync. It is also really important to acknowledge when your counterpart is making strides for improvement. Sometimes, it is really hard when a person who is used to behaving and coping in a certain way alters their innards to be perceived warmer. The toll that feat takes on a person deserves recognition as well as respect. Apparently, when you really truly care about someone you don't give up on them no matter how difficult things may get. It makes me wonder though, how difficult is too difficult? I'm all for sticking it out, and holding it down  but at what point do you realize you can't hold it anymore? What's to be done if the weight becomes to much to bear? I mean, I've yet to truly give up anyone I care about. With the exception of one person and honestly, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Especially considering, the person that I chose to let go of is responsible for half of my genetic make-up. Honestly though, I feel as though the only way you can ever know when to let a person go is if they've done more harm than good. If you can look through the span of said relationship and end up smiling more than grimacing than it's worth working through and fighting for. If you experience the opposite however, then maybe it's time to part ways quickly and permanently.Overall, it is important to know yourself well enough to distinguish the two early on. It will prevent years of heartbreak in the long run.