Candles for Camille ♡

April 8, 2016, otherwise known as today, is one of my oldest, dearest and best friend's birthday. She's been deceased for five years now. She was one of the people I happily chose as family, and every day I'm so grateful that she chose me back. People always say that with time, things like grief and loss get easier to cope with. But the overwhelming sadness I feel today, writing this, shows the blantant inaccuracy of that statement. I've come to notice something about grief and pain, it never really dissapates. The truth of the matter is, when people lose someone they love, for a long while that is all they are aware of. The heavy weight of the loss. What we don't seem to register in those heartbreaking moments is that even though our loved one is gone, we are not. We are still very much alive and have to continue on, living life, without them. To me that is the meanest part of grief. Not simply, knowing that they are gone, but knowing that after the dust  clears and everyone says their final goodbye, we left behind have to relearn how to exist. In a world they are no longer apart of. That is what truly makes the tears well up in my eyes. Now in my short time on this earth so far, I have had to relearn how to exist many, many times. To the point, where it seems sometimes, that the only thing consistent in my life, besides the family I chose to create for myself is the death of it's members. What's so significant about this particular loss is, after the one thousand eight hundred and twenty-five days I've been forced to live without her I am STILL learning exactly how to exist again. I miss her so much that I almost get angry at her for leaving me as early in life as she did. I loved my friend, my sister. Still do. Always will. My only solace is our memories and knowing, without a doubt, that she loved me too.  She would've been 24 today. Even so, through my pain, I will celebrate her life as if she were sitting right next to me. Like I have every year since we've parted ways. Rest in Power, Beauty and Happy Birthday!