Hidden Under The Rocks.

Everyone deserves everything that they want in life. The most common misconception however, is that people can achieve these things completely and utterly alone. Not true. The greatest and most impactful accomplishments, as well as the best met desires are usually backed by a support system. Or at the very least, there's one other person involved to ease the weight of achieving such precious successes. Simply so that the stress of it doesn't fall solely on one pair of shoulders. I've noticed that people who tend to believe that they can do everything on their own are the ones who suffer most . Obviously, there will be times when we have to face the brutalness of the world alone. There will be times where we may not have backup, and we just have to dig our heels in and push. More than likely many of the things that hurt us we will have to face alone. Yet and still, even in the midst of surviving the solo battles we will have to derive straight from words of encouragement given to us by others. So technically, even when we are by ourselves, we aren't alone.  We have the notions, the morals and the mental citations of all whom we've been affected by. Not to be the bearer of  perpetually bad news, but people who tend to suffer through traumatic things completely on their own tend not to walk away from situations unscathed. If I'm being completely honest, I feel that more damage comes to a person from dealing with something alone more than from the "something" they're actually dealing with. Let me be clear, surviving hardship alone is completely and totally possible. Do I think it's wise? No. Do I think people underestimate the power and strength of a pair of sturdy shoulders to lean on? Absolutely. The strongest weapon in the support arsenal is love. I don't necessarily mean that in a romantic way, although I'm sure that helps. Still, love is in my opinion the greatest healer of all time. Depending on how many people one has in their support system, a person going through the most turbulent of times can come out on top.  Even when he or she cannot not persevere, love can. It does not make a person weak to admit they need someone. In fact, to admit to that type of vulnerability is where real strength exist to begin with.

Pride Can't Cuddle.

I have a legitimate question... what EXACTLY  is on the minds of some people when they let  pride get in the way of things that they actually want? Is pride really that much of a thing? I'm asking because I guess, in the basic human sense everyone has some pride. Still, why do some people go out of their way to let it make or break their relationships? I will never fully understand when someone says things like "my pride wouldn't let me say sorry" or "my pride is the reason why I played with 'so and so's'  emotions the way that I did" Like... what? I mean, I have pride too. I guess. I have pride in my ability to impact the world, pride in being a decent human being and pride in the achievements of all my loved ones. Yet and still, I would never sit and let pride hinder me from my path to happiness. I honestly feel like sometimes, people use their pride as an excuse to be cowardly, childish and pretty much an asshole. I don't know what life manual some people read from, but I'm sure nowhere does it state that it makes someone weak or "soft" to humble themselves. Even if it's just long enough to apologize, wholeheartedly listen or truly experience love from someone who actually goes out of their way to give it to them. It will always boggle my mind that there are people in this world who actively choose to lose the best thing that ever happened to them. Rather than putting their pride aside and working things out. Now this is not to be misconstrued as forgiving someone who's openly disrespected you and put you through emotional turmoil on more than one occasion. If you deem someone as toxic to your well-being and it doesn't look like they're intent on bettering themselves for their sake and yours, by all means DROP THEM. Being habitually harmful and being habitually harmed( physically, mentally or emotionally)  is nowhere near conducive and should be nipped in the bud before it even BEGINS to begin. That being said, if the situation isn't heavy in that respect then putting pride aside to mend something worth fixing, is not only admirable but considerate. If one chooses to use pride as an excuse for essentially ALL the failures they have come across thus far, pride will be the only thing said  individual will have left to his or her name in the days to come. I can't really speak for anybody else, but I know I'd choose flirty conversation, googly eyes and sweet nothings from someone you love over pride, in a heartbeat.

The Light.

Yesterday I meant to write, but the whole day passed me by. I was too busy learning things. About life and about people.  Some of the self-made hurdles that we as complex beings tend to carry, hinder our greatness. I've noticed a pattern, a very unfortunate one at that. The basis of all the things that we allow to to stop us, is fear. But see that's the thing, everything is scary before you actually do it. Nine times of ten, the cerebral manifestation of said fear is just that, a manifestation. Nothing solid. Nothing concrete. Based off of pessimism. Pissimism that is hidden heavily. Thoroughly buried under the guise of realism that "good things never happen to good people." I'm not going to lie either, I'm a highly flawed individual. When I get lost in the melancholy long enough, I think like that too. Stepping outside myself has made me realize that, that mindset alone is what will keep a good soul trapped. Why bear an unnecessary burden? Good things DO happen to good people, I assure you. It's just that as good people, we have to realize and respect the fact that these good things don't come easy. We have to continue to step in our own light, being kind, true and influential. Refusing to dim ourselves for anyone or thing. Actively  deciding to cut out and ignore who and whatever isn't reflecting the realness and purity we choose to nurture within ourselves. Showing the universe that we have EARNED what we are asking for. Good people must grasp and cling to this concept for dear life. Here's why, if we only fear what we don't understand and all things undone stem from fear, then we are sucessfully letting our on ignorance stop our growth dead in it's tracks. I will say this, impossible to shine when you're stagnant.

The Wonders of Kismet.

It's been forever and I just want to start off by saying Happy New Year.  So much has happened in my life over the past couple months, I had to take yet another hiatus, just to get myself together. Of course though, in honor of Black HERstory Month, I've risen from the ashes like a phoenix to properly begin a new year of dumping my innards. First and foremost, I just want to say that the doggie fever that I've been carrying for over a year now has finally been cured. I HAVE A FURBABY. Her name is Maya, and she's absolute perfection. I rescued her from a kill shelter in Brooklyn, on December 30th 2016. Since then, my life has been filled with such joy. Even in the midst of battling a bad bout of kennel cough, healing from a spay and getting justice for a UTI resulting from said spay, Maya has absolutely brightened  my days. She is the sweetest, most cuddly little thing. A Shih Tzu/Boston Terrier mix with the kindest demeanor. When I tell you she couldn't have come at a better time, its almost as if she was born for me to find and love her. I was at a very low point in my emotional and physical progress, Maya coming along was exactly what I needed. For a long time, I was considering BUYING a Frenchie.(I know, I know ADOPT DON'T BUY) The notion of buying got dismissed super quickly though. Especially after I looked on  that kill shelter site and came across her sweet little face. It was love at first sight, and I knew in my heart I couldn't leave her there. They listed her age at approximately one, which turned out to mean that she was at the end of her 10th month on earth when I met her. It is February 1st now and Maya will be one, February 15th. Which also happens to be the same day my older brother was born. Cute, right? I know. Words can't express how  grateful I am to have her in my life. It is a very humbling experience to have another being's life in your hands. It helps  you to further realize that the world is not just about you. Any action, at any time can set off a chain of events that can mean the difference between life and death. More than anything, I feel like Maya rescued me. My disposition is happier, and having a cute little lovebug to look after feels ridiculously validating. Our immediate connection and bond thus far, carries as totally deliberate.  Honestly, it seems as though, it was written out on paper and printed into a book that turned out to be my life. Maya and I are completely meant to be and I'm over the moon about it. 🐶💙

Binging with Brains.

When I'm not writing or being some sort of artsy, I'm Netflix binge-watching. Some things, I binge watch for the sake of hilarity. In order to pull my mind back from the crazy places it travels to on occasion. Every now and again, I come across a REAL gem. Almost all of the time, I never see it coming. About two days ago, I came across a series called 'Too Young To Die'. Basically, it's a show about different beloved icons who are no longer with us. Icons who died earlier than the world wanted them to, usually tragically. Anyone who knows me intimately, knows that at LEAST three times a month I pick a person from the stardom's passed  and become completely obsessed with them. Usually,  making it my perogative to learn everything there is to know about the way they lived and died. I've been enjoying this somewhat morbid "history lesson" hobby for as long as I could read, so this show was quite literally the BEST to me. It was actually really aggravating as well, because the apparently the seasons are  only ten episodes each.  What can I even DO with that? Ten episodes is how I warm up to a binge. Besides everyone knows that Hollywood has a way higher body count than that. Naturally, they had Heath Ledger, River Phoenix and Kurt Cobain for three of the 10 episodes. All of which, I have long ago obsessed over and learned everything about.  Although, I must admit to being quite pleased with the fact that they actually had the opportunity to talk to some, if not all of the people who knew them personally. The closeness of it was a nice touch. I was both surprised and happy to see that they committed an episode to Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I personally think was, is and always will be a brilliant actor. I was also more than excited that they included John Belushi. I dedicated more than a month to John, the year I turned 16. Afer being inspired by his brother James, and an episode of James' hit show  'According to Jim'. Anyway, there were few episodes of this Netflix gem that featured people that I'd never even heard of. Which I LOVED. It's always amazing to learn new things about pragmatic pieces of history. I'll always appreciate the gift of being informed. The common thread I've come across while watching these ten episodes, ten different people with completely different lives, all with the same unfortunate end. It hit me that no matter what the decade and the problems of the time, the common denominator is Fame. These ten people, whether from affluent or humble beginnings were all cursed with the burden of absolute greatness. It seems perfectly natural in my opinion, that some sort of insanity and the desire to escape it as such, would follow. To be completely honest it kind of puts a fear in me. Although I do not, in any way shame or form crave Fame, I do want to leave my mark globally. I do wish immortalized by my words whichever way I choose to leave them. Does my hope for some form of immortality automatically doom me to that unsettling fate? I sure hope not. That is what 'Too Young To Die' that I  just happen to stumble across on Netflix makes me think about. I personally love being made to think, because that is initially, how my best creativity ensues. Gotta love Netflix, inspiring us thinkers, one binge at a time.

My Nuna. 🎂

The first decade of my life, I was the only girl. Shortly after my  tenth year, my little sister was born. To the known world she was  Tormei  but at home she was just Nuna. I didn't know it when we  coined the nickname for her, but 'Nuna' means 'beautiful girl' in japanese. Ridiculously fitting, because my little sister was literally the most adorable baby I'd ever seen. And I'm not saying that because I'm biased. She had the chinkiest eyes and hair everywhere. Everywhere. Like an extremely well fed Baby Born doll. My mother used to dress her up in these little outfits like bathing suits and dresses and put her tiny self on her fur coats and have photo shoots. I was completely infatuated. The best part about my baby sister weirdly enough wasn't her laughter, it was the way she cried. She has the most hilarious cry because it was almost more of a vibration.  She would take her tongue and roll it against her gums to make that sound that comes out when you say a spanish 'R'. Some of the people in my family used tk pinch her cheeks just just so she would cry. As she got older, she became my right hand. To this day, noone in my neighborhood could even remember my adolescence without mentioning my sister. Everywhere I was, she was. At the time, I obviously didn't realize how much I would cherish those moments once they were gone. But now I know. She stayed by my side up until the day my mother told me to get out of her house. I was nineteen, she was nine. Today is her fourteenth birthday. I know it broke both of our hearts to be separated. She cried for me the day I left. And I hate the fact that I missed as much as I did. I missed so much of her pivitol 'coming into  myself years' and I know she's hurt about that. The fact that I told her I would never leave her side and was forced to soon after, has strained us. I don't  know everything the way I used to. Especially since there's  a whole new world to know. For that, I couldn't be more sorry. My sister was, is and always will be my shining star. Despite our ups and downs, and the fact that we haven't spoken in a while, I love her with all my heart. Happy Birthday Nuna!!!

High Priced.

We've got to stop thinking that people HAVE TO treat us how we treat them. The reason why people get hurt, the reason why hearts get broken is because people tend to put unspoken  expectations to their loved ones. Just because you are kind doesn't mean anyone has to reciprocate. Just because you love hard does not mean anyone has to return the favor. Expectation is the catalyst to disappointment. I can't really speak for everyone else. I do know that personally, I struggle with knowing when to let go. I am so hell-bent on seeing the best of everyone and cultivating whatever good qualities I may find into my own life , that I don't stop and think that maybe the search efforts are not worth the discovery. Anything that cost us our self-worth,  peace of mind and overall well-being it's too expensive. That's something that I know that I have to work on coming  to terms with on my own personal journey. Another hard and painful thing is accepting that a person may not be the person they were when you made the choice to believe in them, initially. People change, and not always for the better. We have to take notice to when these changes are causing us more harm than good. Everyone we love, isn't necessarily  meant to be in our lives. Hurting ourselves and dimming our light so someone else's can shine brighter is a suffering we have to learn how to avoid at all cost. We must learn to sacrifice for ourselves the way we do for others. We have to learn that that's okay to do, and that there's no need to apologize for it. It's perfectly fine that we love ourselves the way we love others, if not more. It's not easy but it's okay to do.

Heinous.

Happy November Everyone! I hope everyone's Halloween was fun and safe. I woke up with so much on my mind this morning. I couldn't decide  what to write about. I chose to really filter through my brain and whatever was still floating on the surface would be my topic. Today, the notion of fear chose to linger. Fear in terms of, being afraid to be one's best self for fear of being loved less and condemned more. It's been brought to my attention by a few of the people closest to me that sometimes,  even I change myself, quiet myself, dumb myself down and/or close myself off  far too often. Solely, to ease the minds of individuals that would  have a problem with me otherwise. One of my many Achilles Heels is the fact that I'm a natural-born people pleaser. I've always been that way, simply because the praise itself was its own reward. I've done so many things that I never wanted to do, to see someone else smile. From young, I prided myself on "being the little genius", "the golden child", "the special girl", the girl that's going to be "something spectacular one day". I loved having that title. I relished it.  To this day, apart of me just glows when I get complimented or praised on my intellect or savvy about so many things beyond my years. Gratefully, I came across a few people in my adolescent years, that taught me that it was okay to love myself and please myself as much as I enjoy pleasing others. Yet and still, the latter was so much easier to cope with because I ruffled less feathers that way. I was never the type to take pride in pissing people off or letting people down. To be honest, I still don't. At least now though, I handle the situation a little better when it arises. Everyday it's a process , Some days are sucessful, some days I fail epically. Every day, I try. I'll be the first to admit, that it's a lesson I'm still learning. We can't be afraid to be us. We can't let the things that people don't necessarily agree with, stop us from cultivating them and making them a part of us. Just because somebody sees things from a close-minded view doesn't mean we  in turn, have to make our opened minds, narrow. We don't need to placate their needs. The only real crime committed is making the conscious choice to hate and disown a part of ourselves  because someone we care about chose the judgmental path and frowned at us. We have to learn that if the choices we make aren't actively hurting others and going to actively destroy someone else. Or even more tragically, ourselves, then we need to stick by them. There's a difference between doing something someone doesn't like and doing something incredibly heinous. Heinous things need to be changed , ridiculed and reprimanded. Doing something that someone else doesn't like, is legitimately everyday life. That doesn't advocate for a pass to walk around  blindly hurting people and making them feel bad all the time. That's where instinct is supposed to kick in, especially if you're like myself, selfless and self-aware then you know what lines to not to cross and what boundaries to uphold. Some people have no sense of intuition. Not because they were denied a helping during creation but because their selfishness and single-mindedness prohibits them from tapping into it. That's  the definition of heinous if I was ever asked. We can't let selfish single-minded people tell us we're doing bad things by exuding honesty and loyalty first and foremost. If a person's overall agenda is  to think about only themselves, then who are they to tell anyone to put someone else's needs and wants first? Especially if they don't even know how to achieve that themselves. People like myself, are so often, so paralyzed with the fear that our purest selves will be shunned. So much so, that at the slightest hint of disapproval from someone we love, we then proceeded to completely disown and ignore who we truly are. Which is a habit that can't be broken fast enough. We need to work on accepting the fact that we are perfect the way we are. Even if people don't agree. Whether we love them or not. That's okay. It's going to be okay. Apologies are not necessary, when selfishness to the point of destroying another person, and single-mindedness to the point of complete obliviousness, AREN'T factors. It's perfectly okay to be oneself, as long as it's the best, purest, truest and happiest one.

Stunted.

So much has been going on this week. One of the most important things I've learned is, we as individuals, can't concern ourselves with people who aren't ready for constructive change. Even if some of these people are those that we love dearly and wholeheartedly. We can't force anyone we want to grow and flourish just because we are already headed in that direction. Statistically, people go through about five to eight different stages throughout their lifetime. Some people make  ridiculously valiant  and stubborn efforts not to become the last person that they're meant to be. Some are more comfortable, being stagnant in the adolescent process even as adults. Some people are the happiest resting within the bosom of their stunted growth. The unfortunate few that exhibit that behavior take pride and delight in being damaging disrespectful and perpetually immature. Make no mistake, I'm perfectly okay with people being the person that they want to be. What I don't understand is WHY a person would WANT to be someone who walks around consistently and pridefully disrespecting others and making people uncomfortable on the daily basis. People tend to get defensive when they feel as though people are trying to turn them into a different person. I understand that. No one wants the message conveyed to them that they are not good enough, just as themselves. However, not all change is bad change. If someone you love makes it clear to you that you are disrupting their peace of mind and everyday life by spewing pestilence, hate and predominantly patriarchal nonsense, why would you want to CONTINUE being that person? What kind of a person could even ENJOY  bringing someone that sort of despair? Certain behavior should be confined to certain stages of life and when it's  known that this stage of life is coming to an end you must grow beyond that. Although it may be scary at the time, not only is it necessary but it is also worth it. Everyone who chooses to remain stuck in their ignorance , even after it is expressed to them how much pain it causes those that love them, deserves to be left there. Stewing in their chosen blindness, alone. I personally believe, that is the hardest part for those who love people who choose to live in that manner. Letting go. Realizing that despite our best efforts, they are not ready for the road that has  been awaiting  them for many years passed. Those who are welcoming to growth, need to learn how to let thse who aren't be their own guide. As much as we may care, everyone has their own journey. We can't take them hostage and force them into being stronger, more positive and overall better versions of themselves. They have to WANT to do that, solely on their own. Until they make the decision, to choose that more positive lifestyle it is more than understandable for them not to be a part of yours. With or without explanation.

Canine Crazies.

Everyone knows that for the longest time I've been obsessing over getting a dog. I do admit I have the "canine crazies". It's not just because I love dogs  and I do LOVE dogs. It's more so because the more time I dedicate to spending with people, the more disappointed I become.  For some strange reason, we love investing time into people and things that don't necessarily deserve it. People tend to turn a blind eye to noble honesty, for the deluded  preference of blatant lies. Dogs on the other hand, their loyalty is unquestionable. I appreciate the innocence that comes with a dog. Very much equivalent to when humans begin our journey in the world. The significant difference is, while dogs  tend to remain innocent throughout life, humans, more often than not, age into agendas and deception. People seem to be the cause of most emotional turmoil  in others, whereas dogs are the perfect remedy to a less than stellar day. Now that I really think about it, almost all animals are better than most people. Dogs are the absolute best though. Yes I'm biased. Seriously though, even older dogs can be taught to change and/or adapt to new settings and situations. Most of the older generation of humans are so far stuck in their ways, that they can't even fathom that their may be a new, more constructive way to handle life's hurdles. Nor do they care. I can't wait to get my little puppy, so I can love him and raise him to be a wonderful happy dog. I have no doubt that he will bring me unconditional love and joy. The thought of it is sooo exciting. It goes without saying that  I'll be more than happy, probably overly eager to return the favor. 

Care.

Once again, I've come across another learning experience this week. I've come to an interesting about conclusion about human behavior from observing social media platforms, along with some one on one conversations with close friends. It seems as though  there's nothing more irksome than  someone who uses how a person feels about them against them. If one is aware that a person desires or cherishes them to an unwavering extent they should, in my opinion, take the necessary measures to respect as well as reciprocate  those feelings. In the event that those desires aren't returned to the full extent in which they are received, they should care enough to let that be know and then proceed to change the nature of the relationship permanently. That is, if a relationship were to continue at all. Instead,  most of the people who are on the receiving end of all these feelings  make it their business to go out there way to tease and evoke those emotions only when it's ideal for them. In turn, expecting said person to quietly and gratefully endure the torture bestowed upon them. It is never okay to underestimate what someone who truly loves you, would do for you. It is never okay to take these feelings lightly, or handle them as if they aren't a fragile entity. Love and desire are very powerful things. I like to believe that the majority of the time, they are the difference between success and failure, hope and defeat and even in some cases life and death. Unfortunately most humans struggle to think beyond themselves long enough to really grasp the drug-like affect they may have on others. Which mean that the rest of us, are walking around, lost and aching. Perpetually fiends for validation and reciprocation, I know the common consensus usually is that people shouldn't need another person to validate them and we shouldn't and in reality, most times, we don't. However, we are human and by definition, imperfect so even though we may not necessarily need the validation it always feels the best to receive it anyway. Which automatically implies that, it tends to feel terrible not to. Love and desire are heart and time consuming things. No one wants to feel as though they've wasted their heart and their time on someone who is perfectly content with manipulating their affections, whilst never quite returning them to their full potential. What exactly is sadder in the whirlwind of love than an unrequited junkie? I'm sure I'll know it when I see it, but until then, I can't  call it,

Complaints About The Blood.

Sometimes being disabled really sucks. I hate that there are things that I can't do in this world. It constantly leaves me susceptible to have to rely on someone else. The worst thing about having to rely on someone else is that it leaves room for error and disappointment. It burns me up inside to have to practically beg someone to do something, knowing that they're going to do a mediocre job, IF it gets done at all. They say when you want a job done right you have to do it yourself, but I don't have the luxury. Quite frankly, at this moment in time, I am mad as fuck about it. When it comes to my home, I legitimately want it to be a sanctuary, a place that  I can literally be proud to call mine. But on days like today, I  just feel sad that things aren't how I imagined they'd be. No where near. The most heartbreaking part of this all is that when I ask for help, nine times out of ten, I can't get it. Those that I have no choice but to rely on usually let me down. Everyone's so stressed, everyone's so busy and no one seems to have the time. To be honest,  I think  that some people like chaos. Sometimes I think people like to be stressed, just so they have something to talk about the next time you say "How are you?"I honestly feel like certain people encourage certain stressors just so they can have a reason to complain about life. They are so many times that I sit, and I think but if this person took this particular  stressor and removed it from their radar, their  life would be pretty much okay. The  truth is most people never really truly want to be stress free because then they would never have anything to talk about. It's always the worst because people say "why me?" or "can I get a break?"  over the most miniscule issues or for probelms that are self-inflicted. If you are the creator, maintainer and complainer of your own dispair,with no intention or plan to better your situation  then please be miserable quietly.  Don't use self inflicted misery as a way to get sympathy and in turn, manipulate your way out of the significant and moral functions of every day life. To be completely real, I have alot of emotional instabilities that sometimes lead me down dark paths and even darker actions. The behavior of creating a stressor, not  making thorough attempts to change a stressor and complaining about a stressor is a dangerous cycle. In fact, it would be the equivalent to me cutting my wrist for whatever my reasons, and then deliberately and immediately  complaining about how much blood comes out. Not only does it make no natural sense but it is self destructive. Noone should be content with putting themselves through that to get their way from a kind, usually naive individual. Even more so, no kind individual should allow his or herself to be roped into complying to that behavior. For whatever the reason. No matter what.

So Far, So Good.

Okay, I officially finished my first full week of October.Yay. I have to say it's off to a really great start. Excluding the fact that, for the first three or four days I was sick as a dog. None of that matters anymore because yesterday I went to Comic-Con. It was amazing. Between the cosplaying and the glorious merchandise it was a lot to take in. The only thing I can say kind of pissed me off, was the fact that despite there being lots of disabled people (like myself) there, most of the able bodied individuals didn't properly or respectfully aknowledge the navigational struggle. They really just tried to  shove past or trample over me. Luckily, I had people with me to help throw literal bows on my behalf. Sometimes "Excuse Me" is NOT enough. Anyway, the absolute best part of yesterday, was meeting, getting an autograph from and getting complimented by Stan Lee. The BLERD in me is pretty much satisfied and can die in peace now. It was so surreal. He said "Hey, How ya doing?" Naturally, I just stared like the unworthy soul I was. He said "I really like your hair, so nice" I managed to muster up a weak ass "Thank You" before going to get his signature on my Wolvy board authenticated. Star struck was not even the half. I wouldn't be me if I didn't point out how ridiculously expensive everything was but honestly for this Comic-Con it was worth it. Especially considering it'll be Stan Lee's last. I honestly hope October continues to bring me positive and happy energy  and that this weather respects me enough to keep me away from the sniffles and fevers the rest of the month. My anniversary with one of the best, sweetest, most loyal and loving people in my life is slowly descending upon me. It's on Monday and I'm grateful to even have my Best Gal, Asia, still so prevalent in my life. I hope to have her by my side for a bazillion years to come. Graying my hair while simultaneously, making me laugh. All in all, even though the weather change tends to suck for me and can honestly say that October seems to be one of my happier months thus far. Here's to hoping it stays that way. ♡

Replenish.

Over the past few days, I found myself stumbling continuously on to an important lesson. "Too"  is a word that carries a lot of weight. There is a such thing as too kind, too loyal, too available. To  be completely  honest, at first I was a little flabbergasted. Why wouldn't anybody want people around them that have these qualities and use them to be a decent human being? Why would anybody be ashamed of being the best version of themselves?  The more it weighed  on my mind however, the more I realized the answer existed prominently in my day to day life.  People are naturally selfish. Self preservation is first and foremost. So when there's people out there that break the mold, like myself, we get labeled as "doing too much." Even worse, those around us get used to our giving nature and begin to become less appreciative and more expectant. When you start to expect a person to just be there for you, you stop appreciating the fact that they are.  As if it could get any more painful for those that give, the biggest issue with it is, giving to the point where there  is nothing left for oneself. For me personally, that's the hardest habit to break. When I love, it's usually hard and with full force. Yet and still, it never really dawns on me, that in the midst of all the love that I'm giving, I'm being emptied. Not just emptied, emptied with no way to replenish. Simply because everyone else is preoccupied with thinking about themselves. The saddest thing about not being built like that, is that we strive to be. Wholeheartedly.  Those who give naturally, want so badly to be able to focus on just themselves. It is extremely daunting to feel compelled to give your all to the people  you would do anything for, ALL of the time. Even more so, when no one is reciprocating.  Make no mistake, its not that  the people who choose to give more than they receive don't care about themselves. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We give as much as we do because it makes us feel good to know that our loved ones are taken care of.  We sleep better that way. It  just saddens us to no end, that those we hold dear don't have the same thought process 90% of the time.  It makes us question how much value we hold to them in the first place. It makes us feel as though we are unworthy. What is so wrong with wanting to be on the receiving end of the love we so readily give? The weird thing is, when we ask that, the general consensus is that there's nothing wrong with wanting the love we give. Even so, we wait patiently, only to  be left as loved starved as we were initially.  In fact, the majority of our loved ones say "if you can give such good love to us why can't you give the same love to yourself?" Firstly, no one said we couldn't. Secondly, why does the thought of loving someone the way they love you put so many people ill at ease? Thirdly, that question in itself is insulting because those cherished loved ones, are simply implying that because we care and love without restriction, that we should be able to cope with our own lack of love on our own. Even going as far as stating that existing happily without the love that we share with others should be "easy." Being natural givers we should be all we need. Right? Wrong. Such a sad sack of crap. Especially since it is common knowledge, that to love and be loved in  return, to the proper capacity, is what keeps people thriving in the first place. I will say this, it'll be a glorious day when the recievers can take the time out away from their own self absorption and raise their heads long enough  to see that us givers NEED just the way they do. And we truly do deserve it. Fully and completely.

There's No "I" in Parent.

Honestly there's nothing worse then a single minded parent. I claim that because, bringing another person into the world and then proceeding to behave as if one only has themselves to focus on and worry about is, in my opinion, deplorable. Several of the young adults of my generation, are getting ready to or have already had babies. I am witness to so much fraudulent activity when it comes to prioritizing and maintaining the well being of a lot of these children. I'm not a parent, so I can't tell anyone how to raise their child and I don't. However, some of these parents maybe... shouldn't be.  At the first notion that parenthood will be making it's fast and steady debut into ones life "me" or "I" desires shouldn't be the only ones to inhabit one's  mind. If you're walking the earth, still chasing after youth and resenting your child for not being able to enjoy as thoroughly as a childless person would, then maybe parenthood isn't for you. There should be absolutely no reason why I'm scrolling through my timeline and I see things like "This little boy/girl kept me up all night, oh well, wake and bake"  or "Boutta drop my little one off with grandma for the week, it's about to be lit"  Don't get me wrong,  Every mother/father deserves a break because that is a full time job. Honestly though, if the buck is constantly being passed to someone else with no plans to better oneself for their child then as a parent, that is not raising  a child, that is simply babysitting him or her.  Some mothers and fathers have no problem being grown enough to MAKE these children but seem to detest and be incapable of being grown enough to actually do what it takes to  gaurantee that they flourish. I've literally read post along the lines of  "I love my baby, but if I didn't have him my summer would have been soo lit" What the ACTUAL hell is that? Everything is a choice. Some people don't believe in abortion. Practice safe sex then. Do NOT punish a child, that didn't ask to be here because of your own careless actions. There  are alternatives if one deems themselves ill prepared or unfit for the lifestyle that parenthood entails. Adoption for one. There are so many women in this world, so many couples that can't conceive or can't carry full term that would love to expand the families they dream of building. People who have the means and and the proper mindset to raise a child. No one should be forced to keep and/or raise a child they never wanted or aren't quite ready for.  There are  too many crimes being committed against children by the hand of their own parents because it was so beyond clear but they were nowhere  near ready for that step in life but chose to do nothing about it. Then go forward with life only get too far along in the pregnancy to change anything. It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway. Becoming somebody's biological mother or father does not automatically make you a parent.  It is the love you give and the time you put in after the baby has arrived, that ultimately shapes you from a single minded human being to a nurturer of others. I truly wish more people would grasp that.

Space.

I am quite the happy camper today. As I'm typing this, I'm resting comfortably inside my walk-in closet which is now my own little zen sanctuary, complete with pillows a desk a bookcase and a very comfy little rug. Super exciting. Before having my little zen den, I felt as if there wasn't a place in my home for just me.  Make no mistake, I love my one bedroom apartment. Genuinely. The big beautiful windows, sizable bathroom, two built in AC's, queen sized vibrating bed. It's hard not to be fully in love with where I live.  However,  creatively speaking, I didn't necessarily have anywhere to be. I had to park myself on my wonderful couch between video games and Nerf guns. My home reflects more of my best gal, Asia, then it does of me. Bless her sweet, laid back heart. I needed  a safe space where I could dump my innards, blossom my artistry and melt my mind down in peace. I now have that (thanks to her), and I couldn't be more grateful. I truly believe that everyone deserves a space that they can be there best selves in. It does wonders for the spirit. I know I'm going to be spending an abnormal amount of time in here and I could not be more thrilled. Please, please to everyone who believes they need one, create  a YOUtopia. It doesn't have to exist in the confines of a closet either, it can be a fraction of your bedroom or the whole entire thing, a section of your living room or even in the bathroom as long as there's something available to make you feel as though you can breathe when you feel like life is choking you. Honestly, that is all that matters.

In Peace.

I'm not feeling my best today. I guess that's okay because it seems  like my mind does the most  profound thinking when I am under the weather. I was thinking about the term "Rest In Peace" and what it means and what it's been symbolizing for as long as I can remember. It is usually used as a final farewell to a loved one lost. Still, I never quite understood why it even needed to be said  in the first place. Simply because, it always seemed a little bit redundant to me. Isn't rest, peace in itself? Why exactly do we wish the dead peace? They are the ones they who have been freed from their mortal coils and are done with the stresses of the world. No matter what a person's religious beliefs about what's in store for a person after his/her heart stops beating, the universal consensus seems to be freedom. Freedom from what those that are still breathing, see as the challenges of everyday life. I feel as though we should be walking around, telling those that are still here with us to "Live in  Peace." Surviving life is the ultimate fete. Everyday we choose to persevere, is a small victory. Some people are in constant search of a silver lining in a sea of doubt and despair, but no one ever wishes them well. I realize now, that that particularly unfortunate fact is based on the truth that we as human beings, struggle with sentiment and the delay of it. No one ever seems to truly care until it is too late to mean anything. The more I think about it, the more I start to grasp why it would be easier to to say "Rest in Peace" to a corpse than to declare that an actual breathing person "Live In Peace." Well for starters, a corpse doesn't have any reaction based off  of the words said specifically for them. If you tell someone breathing to live in peace, they'll probably take that as an opportunity to tell you all the terrible, saddening reasons why they can't. That is, if they don't look at like you you're a complete psychopath and proceed to give you the silent treatment first. I honestly wish people took offering words of peace to the living as seriously as they take offering it to the deceased. Maybe then people wouldn't act so awkwardly to things that society should already accept. Like a woman's right to say no and make it home safely, the LBGTQ+ community, black people, black people IN the LBGTQ+ community, basic human kindness, you know things like that. Maybe if we told each other to "Live in Peace" more often, maybe one day, some of us will actually adhere to the words and use the notion behind them to better the world we are currently suffering through.

The Beach.

The biggest affliction most people seem to have is that we all automatically assume that we have all the time in the world to do the things we've been meaning to get around to, and wanting so badly to experience. I realized earlier morning, that this is precisely the reason why death scares most of us. Death is a reminder that time, is indeed a luxury, not a mandate. I've noticed, over the past few months especially, that several people that I care about lack a sense of urgency. It's also come to my attention that some people never take the time out to be actively involved with those they love because they truly believe that when they "find the time" the person that is waiting on them in that moment, will just "be around". That's why phrases like "It'll be here when you get back", "Maybe later/another time" and "There's always next year" put me ill at ease. Even if a life isn't lost between the now we chose to postpone and the later we hope to receive, it usually never comes anyway. There's always something more pressing. Something else to do, someone else to see. Why is that? In the unfortunate circumstance that a life is lost between now and "some other time" then the tears flow. Which I completely understand as a human reaction however, most sadness isn't even based on the actual loss but the memories of the past and the ache of a snuffed out future. Most people are so busy fulfilling  some sort of unspoken societal quota. Filled with the stresses of work or school or both, that of course, is the means to adulthood but yet and still. The time missed doesn't even hit them until they're alone. In the shower, and it's a few months away from a whole new year and you haven't held a hand, kissed a cheek, gave a hug or slapped a five with the loved ones you've been meaning to pop in on but haven't actually been near in months. It looks as though people will never grasp the concept of "the more you put something off the more likely it becomes that you'll never actually get around to it." I brought a new two pieced bathing suit, a week and a half before my twenty-third birthday, When I tried it on, it made me look and feel phenomenal. I brought it with the intention of hitting the beach as much as humanly possible this summer. Anywhere away from my normal routine, with cool water and minimal clothing sounds like freedom to me. Even so, it is now September 10th. my mother's birthday, and I never did make it to the beach. Since August ended, I've been quietly consoling myself, "there's always next year", "maybe in a couple months I'll take a vacation", "there's no need to feel down, I'll have other opportunities for fun." I can't even make myself feel better confidently because I don't know if the things I said to myself, in my own head, are even true. Everyday now, I see that pretty little two piece in my closet and I say "Man, I should've just went to the beach." Bottom line is, spend the time with the ones you love and the ones that love you, before you no longer have the time to spend.

Life Jackets.

One of the most interesting albeit  unfortunate, things I learned this summer is that almost all trademark cliches are utter bullshit. I know it sounds weird to say, especially for me. How could someone who is so aware of the world around them even fall for any of that? First and foremost, I'm a sucker for a mantra. Some of greatest women I've ever come to love and myself, created one in our youth that I STILL carry with me to this day. Besides, who doesn't enjoy having little phrases of hope to live by? These cliches that we use to get by in life,  we say them and choose to believe them. Haboring the mindset that being a good person and staying positive is all you really need to get everything your heart desires. We all know that's not necessarily true. Well at least the realist inside of us does. I don't even know where to begin, there are SO many cliches. They all carry pure intent, but one learns over time that that's all they are. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Seriously? So you mean to tell me, the more I stay away from a person and keep myself out of their everyday routine, the more they'll think about me and want to talk to me. I don't think so.  If they possess that crafty 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality, then without you there to help them bask in your greatness then you're  pretty much, SOL in that circumstance. Okay another one, "Actions speak louder than words" *Inward Sigh* The thing about this one is that I actually agree,  with it. Even so, this is still crap because even though people SAY this and ideally what you show someone SHOULD be more important then what you say that's not always the case. Due to the fact that,  while actions can be forgotten, words whether spoken or written can be immortalized. One could  spend their whole entire life DOING a million things for the person that they love to show how much they care. That being said, the moment they SAY no, the moment they SAY  they can't, or they won't THAT is the moment that is felt the hardest and therefore remembered the best, despite all of the previous love shown. Okay what's next? Hmm. "Everything happens for a reason" Personally, this one annoys the living shit out of me. First off, it's not always accurate. Something's are just senseless, some things weren't meant to happen but they did anyway, some things are not necessarily meant to be understood. Secondly, the fact people tend to say this to another person after an unbearable tragedy strikes, sucks. If a person just lost a family member, or a friend the default thing to say is "I'm sorry for your loss" Saying "everything happens for a reason" is not only ridiculous but insensitive as hell. Especially if you don't plan on offering up what that reason is. Nobody wants to hear that. There are sooooo much more cliches, I want to touch on   but then I'd be here all day. I'm just going to finish this post with the cliche that I hate the more than any other cue mental drumroll "The truth shall set you free" This one here, makes me want to start a purge. It's a lovely thought obviously, but it is also a boldfaced LIE. Most people say they want the truth and that may be accurate at the time. However, the truth is so powerful that it doesn't always feel the best to be on the recieving end of it. People tend to freak out from the sting of it. That's why there's always the universal "At least I was honest/That doesn't't mean you didn't hurt me" conversation. Whether the truth is wanted or not people can't handle it without feeling even the tinest bit bothered by it. So letting the truth be known does NOT "set you free." It just means you're honest. But at what cost exactly? Telling the truth makes you a prisoner of your own honesty. Telling the truth isn't always pretty so it is never without consequence. All the best deeds tend to be punished. People may respect you more for your honesty but that has nothing to do with being enjoyed, admired and/or loved. You could lose everything you ever had and/or wanted just by gaining truth. That in no way means that I am condoning dishonesty, but I  AM admitting that I do recognize the perks, however temporary.  No matter how flawed these cliches seem to be, we hold on to them. We rely on them to bring us peace of mind when such a thing is harder than ever to find. Annoying as it may be, there's no shame in needing life jacket to help stay afloat.

Gravel.

Being driven by nature is usually a really cool thing to be . Usually. All the way up until someone comes across something they can't have. Until the very moment they realize they  may have met their match . Being driven, one tends to get what they want, when they want it, the way they want it. But what if one is so invested, so blinded by what they want that they can't even see  that they're playing a losing game?  Sometimes, even the most driven miss out. What people don't realize is that no one is born driven. Drive is observed, respected and then duplicated. A big part of having drive is the fear of being afraid. In order to exude drive successfully, one has to fear not taking a risk more than they fear taking one. Bravery and drive go hand-in-hand. Simply because there is never a guarantee that one will actually receive what they are going above and beyond to attain. Nonetheless, uncertainty should never halt the attempt. If trying doesn't exist neither does  achievement. Not trying to do something, in my opinion , is worse than failing at doing it. I say this because at least, if one doesn't  get what they want despite making the effort to, no one can say they didn't. Walking away can be dignified. If they make the choice to cower away from what they really want then they mustn't have wanted it as bad as they thought they did. In turn, reserving no rights to complain about the lack of, said desire. Either street one decides to take, there's a lesson hidden in the gravel somewhere. Finding and comprehending what it all means is where the real difficulty lies.