Definitions

My weekend was both relaxing and productive. After giving my place a thorough cleaning, getting laundry done, and going food shopping, I was able to get in my bed and do a bunch of nothing. Surprisingly enough though, that wasn't the highlight of my weekend. The highlight of my weekend came in the form of an epiphany. After a conversation that was initially had to help someone else understand their life's passion, a few very important things became clear to me. It dawned on me, that everyone we've ever met or are going to meet has different ambitions. Therefore, there are very diverse individual meanings to the word  'success'. I can't help noticing, that there's some unspoken rule book on what qualifies a person to be successful and what doesn't. I'm sure it has something to do with going to college AND finishing and THEN getting some six-figure paying job AND sharing it with everyone you know for validation. Don't get me wrong, knowledge is key. Do I think college is the only way to get that knowledge? No. Please don't misconstrue, the mere notion of making six figures, that would be amazing to anyone. Being rich however, won't necessarily increase fulfillment. If a person wants to go to college, by all means, I think they should go and be amazing. Skyrocket that GPA, but only if that is where one's personal, soul crafted idea of success leads them. Don't do something because someone else says it's what should  be done.  That right there,  is cardinal rule number 0.5. Some people in our lives know us really well , but can make us feel like they've never had an actual conversation with us, not one day in our lives. Especially when they say things like "oh wow, you're so smart, why are you wasting your time doing this when you could/ should be doing ( fill in the blank)". Things like that seriously make me want to bang my head into a wall. Repeatedly. What kind of passive aggressive support is that? It would almost be funny, if it wasn't  real life thing. What people need to realize is, a person can do something that people don't even consider a "real" career. They can make seven cents a day doing it, and I PROMISE it wouldn't make not one difference in the world, if it made them feel good being apart of it. Feeling whole, warm, and happy inside is priceless. The best part of that is, one would feel so awesome, that the validation is weaved within the day's work. They won't need to hear how great they are, or how good they're doing from somebody else because the way they feel will show that they know that. Honestly, it's really all in the  way the word 'success' is perceived in the eye of a lone beholder. No one else will ever have the right to force change on someone else's visions, and thank goodness for that.

Murky

I thought he was dead, and I have never been so scared in my life. Wait, wait let me  backtrack. I woke up on the absolute wrong side of the bed today. Been in a bit of a funky mood since last night. After some good old fashioned pep from my best friend, I was essentially told to do my best to cheer myself up and maintain. So naturally, I put my best foot forward, literally and figuratively to sway my mood  in a happier direction. Took my morning walk around the block, meditated and took a nice hot shower. I'm not going to lie to you, it helped a little but not as much as I needed. So I went to one of my second favorite things in the world; food. I heated up some broccoli in a cheese sauce and some chicken tenders, it was quite tasty if I do say so myself. Like I was sure it would do, my full belly soothed my emotional angst. Just as I felt my day was finally looking up, I realized that Bae took her Beats to work and neglected to inform me where she put the red Sony headphones that I use when I don't have them. I'm looking around trying to find them so I can peacefully slip into a musical coma, all to no avail. Then I thought to myself, 'she probably left them on her gaming area, next to Billy.' If you don't know by now, because you don't pay attention to my Facebook or Instagram or whatever, Billy is our contraband turtle. I mean technically we're turtle sitting  but you know, tomato-tomahto. We're not supposed to have him anyway. No pets allowed. I wish that wasn't true though otherwise I would have a little dog running around me or something, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway ,I went to go look and see if the headphones were where I thought they were, they werent. But before I could really notice that, I saw that Billy wasn't moving not even a little bit.  Now his water was a little murky, so I tried to do my best to remain calm.  I had fed him early this morning, like seven-thirty, and his tank was due for a cleaning that I didn't want to give because touching amphibians creeps me out.  I tapped the side of the tank closest to the fake palm tree, the way I usually do and said "Hey  Dolla Billz!!" Nothing, not even a wiggle. It was at that particular point, that I started full-blown freaking out. My eyes were welling up and everything. It wasn't until I picked up his tank and brought him into the bathroom, that his head slowly crept out of its shell. I had never been so happy to see such beady eyes. The whole time I thought he was dead, when in reality he was just taking a nap. The feeling of relief consumed me. So much so, that I took him out and gave his tank a nice rinse and refill. Now, Billy is happily swimming around, fully fed, in his new clean water.  I didn't realize until just now, but Billy really helped me. Even though my mood is still a little sour, today I learned there are worse things. After all, the only thing that's worse than touching a smelly amphibian, is touching a dead one. Thanks Billy.

The Weapons.

I learned something today , and based off what I learned I feel the need to address the other side of my previous post. I'll divulge on what I mean by that in a second, I promise. Right now, I need to make sure that everyone who bothers to read  this understands this one very important thing. Everything I wrote yesterday, I meant wholeheartedly. My mindset, my emotions,  my way of life is completely infused and built-in the premise of being a mentally and socially aware artist blessed enough to be cognizant within myself. In hand, with being grounded and steadfast  in the black concious agenda and advocating for the rights of what society considers to be the "lesser than" and "abnormal". Always have been, always will be. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can expand on what my lesson of the day is. Today I learned, there is a such thing as being TOO righteous. Now before anyone goes and bites my head off, let me elaborate. Yesterday I wrote about how there's a New Age Civil Rights Movement upon us. And there is. However, I think people who claim to be kindred spirits to me, like minded, "for the cause" are using the aforementioned devastation to condone, spread and follow their own deluded purposes. Listen people, you cannot solve racial dysfunction based off hatred and fear with MORE hatred and fear. That kind of defeats the purpose. You can not say I hate the media because of the way it portrays black people but then turn around in the SAME SENTENCE and use it to justify an equally racist or stereotypical jargin about white people. We all know media is not objective, THAT is white privilege. THAT BEING SAID  siding with the media to make a  lopsided, hole-filled, truth absent point about another race that is not your own is not okay. EVER.  WE don't like it when it's done to us, why return the favor? We are too grand a people and too valuable a generation to sink to the levels of Supremacy. WE are supposed to rise above all that evil.  I'm going to need everyone to get it together. You do not put out a fire with more fire. Being overtly biased, and half baked with a side of petty racist doesn't make you 'about'or 'down for' anything. Wise up, people! Knowledge, Respect and Overall Awareness are the most pivitol things in a black person's arsenal right now. Do better.

Civil Rights Movement, The Sequel

Ever have those days, where you feel like you have to do something, anything or you'll lose it? I've been feeling like that for a while now. I'm already aware that it's based on the helplessness I feel for my generation and for the mindset of the youth. Most importantly though, I feel this unwavering, mentally consuming, jagged, breathtaking pain for my fellow people of color and myself truly. You know, it just boggles my mind really, because as a teenager I can remember being so righteous. I was so completely adamant about my beliefs and the things I would do, and the way I would behave if I lived in a different time, in a different era. My grandmother, she was totally about it, reppin' the B.P.P.  all through her youth. Granted, I don't know how far that actually went for her, but I was told from numerous elderly that if you were black back then, you were down. And through school, I prided myself on saying things like " Man, if I were born a little bit earlier, I would be right with Malcolm shutting shit down!!" Obviously I realized, you can't really say what you would do.  Or how you would feel for that matter, in such a situation jam packed with devastating crisis until it is smack dab in front of you. Like right now. We are living, well barely, but we are living through the New Age Civil Rights Movement. There has been so much death in this one year alone. No let me get this right, so much black murder it's literally unprecedented.  And I really don't want to hear about black-on-black crime, and how it shouldn't be a big deal because "black people kill each other everyday." Excuse my French, but fuck that shit! Let's keep it real here people, the deaths we have endured from white privilege and white supremacy this year ON IT'S OWN is  unparalleled to the loss we see from the black on black crime everyone LOVES to spitball about. In my short life, I have mourned harder this year than any other year before me. Was I related to any of these people? No. Did that even fucking matter? No. Because even one loss that way, is one loss too many. As I read and watch the consistent massacre of my people I can just feel the lack of faith pouring in and the lack of love taking hold. Especially in Missouri, right now. Tears fall, as I can only imagine the sound of hundreds even thousands of brown skinned covered hearts shattering. And even though I am dripping in prayer, filled with angst and banking on better days right now, all I can say is this ;

My Melanin Soldiers, in Missouri, and worldwide really,  you have ALL my love. Those afflicted with white privlege and supremacy will try to put us in the ground, we are seeds, we will flourish. They will try to destroy our bodies ,thinking they can silence our spirits they  are wrong.  Be clear my loves, We are living in the New Age Civil Rights Movement and just like our predecessors before us we Will get knocked down only to rise again. Strength is infused with every shade of our beautiful race. It is our Birthright. ✊✊✊

Not in the Sandbox

I feel like this past week has been a rough one for me. I feel like those closest to me see me as the antagonist in my own life story. I honestly think though, that people are confusing "rude" "evil" or just straight up mean , with me being honest. Now I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that requires a person to be a bastard about everything they say, you know, like the whole "no offense but..." thing, but there are indeed levels to this shit.  Excuse me for making my point so bluntly but, I am a grown ass woman. As an adult in 2015,  ANYONE absolutely has the right to give not one fuck if they don't see fit. Point Blank Period. It's so strange to me too, that people get all offended, and all in a tizzy because others are choosing to be real with who they are and stand by what they believe. When did it start being okay to be a fraud? When did it start being okay to judge others and throw stones, when the same one's judging are making the biggest messes with their lives? Who the hell give anyone permission to tell anybody how to live, what to say  and what kind of person to be? Noone. And at this point, because we're all grown up now, if you don't like how I am then don't fucking talk to me! If you don't like how I handle things, stay away from me. People come into eachother's life to teach us things we can grow and learn from. They can affect us positively or negatively that choice relies on the individual and the individual alone. Either way, as much as you may love someone, nothing in this world is permanent. The same way someone  can be warmly welcomed into your life is the same way they can exit, and just as fast.  Let me reiterate, we are grown, it's time to put on our big girl panties and our big boy boxers and begin the journey of treating ourselves as such. We are now responsible for ourselves. That doesn't only apply to doing laundry, making sure you eat and paying a cell phone bill. That applies to emotional well-being and mental stability as well. No one is going to put anyone on time out for you. No one is going to hold your hand , no one is around to make you kiss and makeup with a person. The choice is  wholeheartedly yours. One has to love themselves enough to know what role each individual is playing in their life. Who is the pestilence, and who is the sunshine? Who are you stressing over and why? Differentiating longevity versus quality in friendship or any relationship for that matter, can be the difference between a life full of pain and a life full of joy. People often confuse longevity with quality, and those are usually the ones who aren't grown up yet. Just because you've known somebody for a long time doesn't mean they've positively affected you in a long time. You can know somebody your whole life and  since the day you met them they've brought you nothing but grief. How is that okay? How is that healthy? The answer is, it's not. Letting someone judge you based on what you believe is your personal truth, be it your morals,  religious beliefs, or sexual orientation, when did that become acceptable? Not sure? That's because it isn't. Step off of the playground, and into the real world because no one is going to look out for you better than you can.

The Value Of Shock

Today was all about reinvention for me, or at least I thought so at first. I woke up wondering what I wanted to be, and how I was going to convey the person that I believe that I am. I still don't have full clarity on those things, but I'm getting there. What I did know was, if you feel like you look good on the outside, that is a healthy and positive way to heal the negativity you may feel on the inside. Naturally, that led to a mini makeover of sorts. So I dyed my short natural cut. I'm happy about it. Now that I think of it, I'm actually pretty fearless when it comes to changing my hair. Probably because my motto is "hair is hair and it'll grow back". To be completely honest, that's probably why I change it so much. My hair is the one thing in my life that I was never really afraid to lose control over. My hair is where I feel the most free. Even if something were to go wrong, or I don't agree with the style or the color, I can just chop it off and start anew. I know there's something poetic in there somewhere. There's something really liberating about trying something new, making the conscious choice to be different in order to make yourself better or to remain true to who you already are. I've always believed there was something painstakingly wonderful hidden in the essence of surprise. Quite funny actually, my thought process as of now. I'm thinking, one  never really knows how much of a person's morals and beliefs go into the tiny little changes they make. So something as small and seemingly harmless as a makeover, or new hairdo can literally be the basis , the very foundation of someone's emotional anatomy. So doing the unexpected, delighting in the ambiguity of things,can truly be what drives a person to become a much grander version of what they ever believed they can be. I mean I'm no expert, so I can't really say for sure, and I could be reaching but then again, maybe not.

Found.

I  haven't blogged in a while because when you mask fear and overwhelming sadness with what you are taught to believe is unwavering "black woman" strength, you become uninspired. I've been sad. And quiet about it. What's worse is, I honestly thought I was exuding ferocious balance. But I was wrong. The word I was looking for was depression.  Last night, it hit me like two ton bricks, I am not built to hold all my pain inside. I am not obligated to pretend to be happy or strong when I feel polar opposite. Why does the burden of strength seem to only befall those with heavy hearts and tendons swollen with despair? I've come to realize that I don't give myself enough credit for being me. And I should. We all should. With heady thought, it came to me,we are expected to go through life with our head held high, grateful for all that we have and nothing else. Not to say that we  shouldn't be more than grateful for all the wonderful opportunities life bestows upon us, however, we also need to take time to recognize that surviving life is no easy feat. For me personally, life can get taxing to say the least. I'm in constant pain, and sometimes I get low realizing that on top of the breast pain that my masses cause,  there will never be a day in my life that I don't have Cerebral Palsy. It hurts my heart most days, that no matter how smart I am, no matter how "beat" my face is or how "on fleek" my nails are, I will still be a disabled girl on the surface. Even more so, it sucks that  disabled individuals don't even get recognized as ACTUAL PEOPLE who live happy functioning lives. We party, fall in love and have really great sex. Honestly, it's hard to fake happy and ignore that I resent the blatant ignorance "normal" people choose to exhibit. Especially with the growing trend of using people with disabilities as the pun to jokes that shouldn't exist in the first place. It gets rough. Overall, this epiphany has made me understand that pushing the sorrow down and choosing to drown in it is not a testament of strength, it is an omen of the beaten down, the detriment of the lost. Lucky for me, and all of us really, life doesn't stay in the same moment forever and our neither do our emotions. We will have pain, that's a given, but if we fight the natural urge to contain it all, with the false pretense that we are being warriors, joy is just an open heart away.