Brand New.

Just the other day, I purchased a sort of inspirational wall plaque that says "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." At first, the plan was to give it to my dad on Father's Day as a token to keep his head held high in the face of adversity. But then I thought about it and considering everything I've been through these past few years, that plaque is kind of a mantra specifically designed to apply to my life. Or so it feels. So I brought my dad something  else, equally beautiful, just more tailor fitted to him. If you don't know by now, I'm moving in eight days. To a clean new development, in what I affectionately nicknamed, Brand New Brooklyn. Simply because, it's not the old, hardened part of Brooklyn where I was born and semi-raised. And even though I will forever adore and be grateful for, that Brooklyn, where I'm going now, it's never been lived in, never been tainted Brooklyn. A young woman like myself can appreciate something without taint, for once. Anyway,  my point for that Segway was, when I get to Brand New Brooklyn and I step into my taint free home for the first time, I will make it my business to put that plaque somewhere that I can see it everyday. It is not only a testament to my struggles but to my victories. Plus I'm pretty sure it's impossible not to feel like a winner in Brand New Brooklyn. The reason I even considered the plaque for my dad in the first place is because, my pride for him is through the roof as of late. As a man, he's going through his own personal trials and tribulations, and I'm not going to lie to you, for a while,  I was worried. But after seeing him yesterday, and seeing how bright eyes and funny and unwavering he is to his current situation just filled me with such a complete joy. It also reminded me that it is never too late for growth. And even though my dear dad is waaay passed his twenties now, to see him flourish like this, it's almost as if he's been reborn. I can only pray for balance for him now, for all of us really, that we, as a new version of family,  don't trip and stumble and fall back into the pestilence that made us feel choked, incapable and less than. I see now, that through our strength, we are all brand new. And that notion alone, against my probably wiser judgment,  fills me with the upmost hope, for what the future may send my way.

Ignorance Lacking Bliss

 I've been gone because quite frankly, I don't even know where to begin. Things have been so crazy lately. In the world, I mean. Why is it that  innocent fifteen year old black girls get treated with less respect by officer's of the law, than a twenty-one year old white man who murdered NINE people? Is it truly fair that Dylann Roof was "removed without incident"  but Dajerria Becton "warranted excessive force", I don't understand this. And even  AFTER time has passed on both of these events, all you get are excuses. They say that Roof, didn't know what he was doing when he opened fire on innocent strangers in a place of worship. They say that he has mental instability and shouldn't really be held accountable for his actions. Well, you know what I SAY, Bullshit, is what I say. He knew he hated black people, as much as he knew he had an evil agenda. Apparently he wanted to initiate a "race war", for the good of the "white race", that's a bigot if I ever heard of one. But you know what, yesterday I really got to wondering and analyzing a lot of what I see around me. How can we ever get the "majority race" to accept us if we don't even accept ourselves? And based of an enlightening conversation I had yesterday I posted something on Facebook that actually opened my mind to this blog post, it went like this:

"Why do minority (really majority) races TRIP when they find out they got some Black in their Blood?! I was telling my very proud latina associate that's she's black as well. She was like "no I'm latina, do i look black to you." I said LOL "look black? What does black look like we come in all shades honey. I'm latina too. Very much so actually, and it doesn't make me any less black" She was like "that's ignorant." I said "what's ignorant is being afraid of who you are, that's what people like Dylann Roof feed off of and its ignorant to to think that if any ONE of us 'minority based races' were in that church we wouldn't have been targeted as well
‪#‎GetItTogether‬ ‪#‎WereAllBlack‬ ‪#‎StopTheSelfHate‬ ‪#‎WereHatedEnoughAlready‬
— feeling annoyed."

Mind you, I didn't mean any harm to anyone when I wrote this. It's just interesting to see how we as a people say we're tired of being mistreated by "the white man" but how can we really ever gain peace and prosperity even we don't KNOW nor ACCEPT who we actually are. What people need to realize is if WE don't respect ourselves FIRST, men like Dylann Roof and Eric Casebolt will never understand why what they did and believe is WRONG. Therefore, forcing those nine lives and the life of Dajerria Becton, will have been irrevocably damaged in vain.

Nigger Bitch

Now anyone who bothers to be a civil, social, black rights advocate had better  be privy to what's going on in McKinney, Texas.  If not however, I will more than gladly fill you in. On June 5, 2015 at about 7:15  that evening officers front the McKinney Police Department including but not limited to the assaulting officer ERIC CASEBOLT "responded" to a call about "a disturbance" in the neighborhood at Craig Ranch North Community Pool. There was a party going on.  The neighbors called the police because they saw one too many minorities at that party. Of course in the statement released but McKinney P.D. they were "...multiple juveniles at the location, who did not live in the area or  have permission to be there, refusing to leave." THAT  is a JOKE if I ever heard one. It wasn't like they showed up in army fatigue throwing rotten eggs at the pool's entry way. In fact, the fourteen year old BLACK CHILD that Office Casebolt BODYSLAMMED was in a two pieced bathing suit. AND THE POOL PARTY ORGANIZER IS A YOUNG LADY OF COLOR, SO HOW EXACTLY WERE THEY UNWANTED THERE?  Not to mention she released her own statement saying there was "no reason for the police's actions." The question not being answered here is: Who were they "unwanted" by? Hmm. The real deal is, the white people next door saw too much color and from blatant racism, grew FEAR. Because honestly how much of a threat could a fourteen year old in a bathing suit be to a grown man with a gun? Yet they had to "execute force." What a load of heaping shit Not only that but in the video it CLEARLY shows an Officer of the Law drawing his LOADED GUN and pointing it in the faces of more innocent black children. Could we have had another Rekia Boyd or Trayvon Martin in McKinney on June 5th at just about 7:15 pm? ABSOLUTELY.  Mind you, Casebolt is on administrative leave as of today, but we all should know and understand WHY that is NOT ENOUGH. So naturally, as soon as I got the scripted words for the protest call, I did what I knew in my heart had to be done and dialed. Those who intend to call for the cause are supposed to say:

" Hello, my name is ________. I am calling to express my outrage at Officer Eric Casebolt's actions n June 5th while responding to a disturbance at the Craig Ranch North Community Pool. I am requesting the permanent removal of Officer Eric Casebolt from the McKinney Police Department. I am following this case closely and I am in contact with organizers who are prepared to organize in solidarity for the rights of those children,"

Seems simple enough, yes? NO. I called the first time and BEFORE I even got out the brutalizer's last name out I got hung up on. That's fine cause I'm resilient.  What's NOT OKAY is when I called the second time.  Just as I was about to say "and I am in contact with organizers..." A man's voice says Who's that? And the man who I was politely addressing on the phone who REFUSED to give me his name said. And I quote "JUST ANOTHER NIGGER BITCH." I had to pause. And pray. FAST. Because it took everything in my power not to veer from the script and lose my whole soul. Because he KNEW  my name. He wanted me to react, so when he went to do his job later, he had an excuse to hurt another black child. I am PISSED AND DISRESPECTED BEYOND BELIEF. But I did not give this evil man the satisfaction. I counted to five, took the deepest breath I could and started over. "Hello, my name is..." Dial Tone. I got hung up on. Again. Instead of losing my mind in my black rage, I opened my laptop and lifted my finger tips. Because as hurt and disgusted I feel about the blatant display of pure hatred and racism I experienced today, I am still going to share the McKinney story as well as my own with everyone that will bother to listen. I will not be silenced and neither should any of you.

Sheilds

I'm still a very young woman. I have so much more to learn in this lifetime. It recently dawned on me that my generation, and even more so the one after mine, find so many dangerous and derogatory things acceptable. Now I understand that society as well as the media softens the blow on many an occasion because what's most disrespectful is what is considered the sexiest on the screens today. And everyone knows that everything is about sales and or ratings. Some stuff though, I cant get with though it will never be okay for domestic abuse. Young men and women nowadays always think the solution to anger is to raise a fist. Not true, to be blunt if you aren't not grown enough to talk it out when things get rough you are not grown enough to be in a relationship. I will also never be okay with anyone who hasn't fully completed puberty dressing and talking and acting like they are of age. Not to say, that the young people of the world aren't allowed to express themselves but  there are disgusting people in this life who love to interpret what young children wear as a go ahead and disrespect me sign. We should all know by now that rape is never okay whether you are in a turtleneck and sweats, or pasties and heels. NOONE is ever ASKING for anything of that nature. To even apply as such, is pure ignorance. People are so busy being sensationalized that no one can even see clearly enough to see that our generation is being DESTROYED. We need to ban together as a community , scratch that, a COUNTRY and work overtime to protect and preserve our youth.

Way Up.

Hey loves, first and foremost I let a little time go by since my last post I'd gotten so caught up with celebrating my birthday (Thanks for the well wishes by the way) I had a blast. I'm my very short time of being twenty-two, I learned that it is no longer money that is the root of all evil. It is the many forms of doubt. Doubt can DESTROY a normally healthy person from the outside in. For a while there, I found myself doubting everything. My strength, my will to persevere, whether the things I so desperately needed were ever going to come my way. I wasn't quite sure whether I'd be able to exist in a world where evil people were CONSTANTLY winning and nice guys finished last because good things come to those who wait. And wait, and wait. Now though, I realize the actual issue with doubt. It's a  never ending  cycle because if you doubt yourself you never get anything done. And if you never get anything done, you'll continuously doubt if you even can. A special kind of prison. Lately though, I've been fortunate enough  to be on the other side of the spectrum. And boy is it wonderful, so many blessings. It's been amazing. And it's crazy because it,s so hard for most people to get out of the despair and doubt cloud to see the blessings that lie ahead. The fight through however, is beyond worth it. Don't give up.

Wine.

I've been so distracted. My birthday is coming and considering  everything  I've  been through this year and every year prior for that matter I am grateful. I have many goals to fufill and so many things to explore for my twenty-second year. I only hope that continue to grow and flourish into a wiser, nobler more self-assured young woman.  I am proud of all that I have accomplished thus far. I am not perfect, far from it actually.  But I do try to follow my heart, be kind to others and put my best foot foward with little regret. I often catch myself feeling angry and discontent about the parts of my journey  that are paticularly upsetting. Even though  I know every emotion is fleeting, these feelings tend to overwhelm  me. Forcing me to  deal with  feelings and emotions I tend to supress. All I ever want to do is be happy and  help my loved ones achieve the happiness they so desire as well. No matter what  happens to me, I want to be known for the love and joy I've left in the hearts  of those I cherish most. I realize that I love hard, hard but differently. I may  or may not love to the liking of everyone in my life but it doesn't take away from how I feel about them. All I can do is try. Because  all I am is human. Flesh and bone. Both easily destroyed. Is it not one's   moving body or beating heart that determines whether they are alive. It is the fighting spirit and bright eyed will that determines life. For that, when my heart does stop beating, I am destined to be immortalized by my sheer strength.  Along with a few other blazing souls I love and respect. My birthday is in six days. And I intend to celebrate wholeheartedly. Because obviously, like fine wine, I get better with age.

Pray.

I'm rocked to my core right now. I have a heavy heart and I need to express how I feel. These last couple  days I've been extra low energy so I didn't blog for fear that I don't give the best version of myself.  But this morning... I feel as though  I'll  never be the same person I  was yesterday morning and all the other mornings before. Today, I finally  gave myself permission to watch Fruitvale Station. This movie came out two years ago based on  the last hours of Oscar Grant. Oscar Grant was a black man whose life was brutality snatched away by San Francisco transit police on New Years Day,  2009. In 2009, I was sixteen. Young, and still very heavily grieving for Sean Bell,  another young black man who fell victim to power mad police. The loss of Sean Bell was in my city. New York. I had openly protested for  Sean only two years prior. He was blantantly slaughtered the year before that, just before Thanksgiving. Made me thankful for the air in my brother's  lungs that year. The wound this loss left behind was very deep. Watching the news and hearing about Oscar in 2009 made me miserable and afraid. Even more so because  Oscar Grant's murder at the hand of police was the first one, us kids could actually SEE. It was all over the Internet. And I refused to watch. Even after some of my equally disturbed friends told me how eerie and unmistakably evil it was. I was adamant  in my decision because I knew my sixteen year old heart was not ready for that type of pain. So of course, when Ryan Coogler's brilliant, chocolatey, directing self released the movie in 2013,  I didn't watch claiming that  at only 20, I still wasn't ready. Now two years later, less than ten days away from being the same age Oscar Grant was at his untimely demise, I allowed  myself  to be racked with grief as they pushed a bullet into his back. I let myself succumb to the inevitability of his last words. "He Shot Me, I Have A Daughter". I let myself be consumed by the tragedy. I let myself cry with reckless abandonment. It was in the middle of this despair that I realized I will NEVER be okay or "Ready" to see something so egregious,  not as long I'm part of humane minority. So feeling broken, I look up towards the ceiling,  and speak for the peace, not only in my soul, but for this world.