Stunted.

So much has been going on this week. One of the most important things I've learned is, we as individuals, can't concern ourselves with people who aren't ready for constructive change. Even if some of these people are those that we love dearly and wholeheartedly. We can't force anyone we want to grow and flourish just because we are already headed in that direction. Statistically, people go through about five to eight different stages throughout their lifetime. Some people make  ridiculously valiant  and stubborn efforts not to become the last person that they're meant to be. Some are more comfortable, being stagnant in the adolescent process even as adults. Some people are the happiest resting within the bosom of their stunted growth. The unfortunate few that exhibit that behavior take pride and delight in being damaging disrespectful and perpetually immature. Make no mistake, I'm perfectly okay with people being the person that they want to be. What I don't understand is WHY a person would WANT to be someone who walks around consistently and pridefully disrespecting others and making people uncomfortable on the daily basis. People tend to get defensive when they feel as though people are trying to turn them into a different person. I understand that. No one wants the message conveyed to them that they are not good enough, just as themselves. However, not all change is bad change. If someone you love makes it clear to you that you are disrupting their peace of mind and everyday life by spewing pestilence, hate and predominantly patriarchal nonsense, why would you want to CONTINUE being that person? What kind of a person could even ENJOY  bringing someone that sort of despair? Certain behavior should be confined to certain stages of life and when it's  known that this stage of life is coming to an end you must grow beyond that. Although it may be scary at the time, not only is it necessary but it is also worth it. Everyone who chooses to remain stuck in their ignorance , even after it is expressed to them how much pain it causes those that love them, deserves to be left there. Stewing in their chosen blindness, alone. I personally believe, that is the hardest part for those who love people who choose to live in that manner. Letting go. Realizing that despite our best efforts, they are not ready for the road that has  been awaiting  them for many years passed. Those who are welcoming to growth, need to learn how to let thse who aren't be their own guide. As much as we may care, everyone has their own journey. We can't take them hostage and force them into being stronger, more positive and overall better versions of themselves. They have to WANT to do that, solely on their own. Until they make the decision, to choose that more positive lifestyle it is more than understandable for them not to be a part of yours. With or without explanation.

Canine Crazies.

Everyone knows that for the longest time I've been obsessing over getting a dog. I do admit I have the "canine crazies". It's not just because I love dogs  and I do LOVE dogs. It's more so because the more time I dedicate to spending with people, the more disappointed I become.  For some strange reason, we love investing time into people and things that don't necessarily deserve it. People tend to turn a blind eye to noble honesty, for the deluded  preference of blatant lies. Dogs on the other hand, their loyalty is unquestionable. I appreciate the innocence that comes with a dog. Very much equivalent to when humans begin our journey in the world. The significant difference is, while dogs  tend to remain innocent throughout life, humans, more often than not, age into agendas and deception. People seem to be the cause of most emotional turmoil  in others, whereas dogs are the perfect remedy to a less than stellar day. Now that I really think about it, almost all animals are better than most people. Dogs are the absolute best though. Yes I'm biased. Seriously though, even older dogs can be taught to change and/or adapt to new settings and situations. Most of the older generation of humans are so far stuck in their ways, that they can't even fathom that their may be a new, more constructive way to handle life's hurdles. Nor do they care. I can't wait to get my little puppy, so I can love him and raise him to be a wonderful happy dog. I have no doubt that he will bring me unconditional love and joy. The thought of it is sooo exciting. It goes without saying that  I'll be more than happy, probably overly eager to return the favor. 

Care.

Once again, I've come across another learning experience this week. I've come to an interesting about conclusion about human behavior from observing social media platforms, along with some one on one conversations with close friends. It seems as though  there's nothing more irksome than  someone who uses how a person feels about them against them. If one is aware that a person desires or cherishes them to an unwavering extent they should, in my opinion, take the necessary measures to respect as well as reciprocate  those feelings. In the event that those desires aren't returned to the full extent in which they are received, they should care enough to let that be know and then proceed to change the nature of the relationship permanently. That is, if a relationship were to continue at all. Instead,  most of the people who are on the receiving end of all these feelings  make it their business to go out there way to tease and evoke those emotions only when it's ideal for them. In turn, expecting said person to quietly and gratefully endure the torture bestowed upon them. It is never okay to underestimate what someone who truly loves you, would do for you. It is never okay to take these feelings lightly, or handle them as if they aren't a fragile entity. Love and desire are very powerful things. I like to believe that the majority of the time, they are the difference between success and failure, hope and defeat and even in some cases life and death. Unfortunately most humans struggle to think beyond themselves long enough to really grasp the drug-like affect they may have on others. Which mean that the rest of us, are walking around, lost and aching. Perpetually fiends for validation and reciprocation, I know the common consensus usually is that people shouldn't need another person to validate them and we shouldn't and in reality, most times, we don't. However, we are human and by definition, imperfect so even though we may not necessarily need the validation it always feels the best to receive it anyway. Which automatically implies that, it tends to feel terrible not to. Love and desire are heart and time consuming things. No one wants to feel as though they've wasted their heart and their time on someone who is perfectly content with manipulating their affections, whilst never quite returning them to their full potential. What exactly is sadder in the whirlwind of love than an unrequited junkie? I'm sure I'll know it when I see it, but until then, I can't  call it,

Complaints About The Blood.

Sometimes being disabled really sucks. I hate that there are things that I can't do in this world. It constantly leaves me susceptible to have to rely on someone else. The worst thing about having to rely on someone else is that it leaves room for error and disappointment. It burns me up inside to have to practically beg someone to do something, knowing that they're going to do a mediocre job, IF it gets done at all. They say when you want a job done right you have to do it yourself, but I don't have the luxury. Quite frankly, at this moment in time, I am mad as fuck about it. When it comes to my home, I legitimately want it to be a sanctuary, a place that  I can literally be proud to call mine. But on days like today, I  just feel sad that things aren't how I imagined they'd be. No where near. The most heartbreaking part of this all is that when I ask for help, nine times out of ten, I can't get it. Those that I have no choice but to rely on usually let me down. Everyone's so stressed, everyone's so busy and no one seems to have the time. To be honest,  I think  that some people like chaos. Sometimes I think people like to be stressed, just so they have something to talk about the next time you say "How are you?"I honestly feel like certain people encourage certain stressors just so they can have a reason to complain about life. They are so many times that I sit, and I think but if this person took this particular  stressor and removed it from their radar, their  life would be pretty much okay. The  truth is most people never really truly want to be stress free because then they would never have anything to talk about. It's always the worst because people say "why me?" or "can I get a break?"  over the most miniscule issues or for probelms that are self-inflicted. If you are the creator, maintainer and complainer of your own dispair,with no intention or plan to better your situation  then please be miserable quietly.  Don't use self inflicted misery as a way to get sympathy and in turn, manipulate your way out of the significant and moral functions of every day life. To be completely real, I have alot of emotional instabilities that sometimes lead me down dark paths and even darker actions. The behavior of creating a stressor, not  making thorough attempts to change a stressor and complaining about a stressor is a dangerous cycle. In fact, it would be the equivalent to me cutting my wrist for whatever my reasons, and then deliberately and immediately  complaining about how much blood comes out. Not only does it make no natural sense but it is self destructive. Noone should be content with putting themselves through that to get their way from a kind, usually naive individual. Even more so, no kind individual should allow his or herself to be roped into complying to that behavior. For whatever the reason. No matter what.

So Far, So Good.

Okay, I officially finished my first full week of October.Yay. I have to say it's off to a really great start. Excluding the fact that, for the first three or four days I was sick as a dog. None of that matters anymore because yesterday I went to Comic-Con. It was amazing. Between the cosplaying and the glorious merchandise it was a lot to take in. The only thing I can say kind of pissed me off, was the fact that despite there being lots of disabled people (like myself) there, most of the able bodied individuals didn't properly or respectfully aknowledge the navigational struggle. They really just tried to  shove past or trample over me. Luckily, I had people with me to help throw literal bows on my behalf. Sometimes "Excuse Me" is NOT enough. Anyway, the absolute best part of yesterday, was meeting, getting an autograph from and getting complimented by Stan Lee. The BLERD in me is pretty much satisfied and can die in peace now. It was so surreal. He said "Hey, How ya doing?" Naturally, I just stared like the unworthy soul I was. He said "I really like your hair, so nice" I managed to muster up a weak ass "Thank You" before going to get his signature on my Wolvy board authenticated. Star struck was not even the half. I wouldn't be me if I didn't point out how ridiculously expensive everything was but honestly for this Comic-Con it was worth it. Especially considering it'll be Stan Lee's last. I honestly hope October continues to bring me positive and happy energy  and that this weather respects me enough to keep me away from the sniffles and fevers the rest of the month. My anniversary with one of the best, sweetest, most loyal and loving people in my life is slowly descending upon me. It's on Monday and I'm grateful to even have my Best Gal, Asia, still so prevalent in my life. I hope to have her by my side for a bazillion years to come. Graying my hair while simultaneously, making me laugh. All in all, even though the weather change tends to suck for me and can honestly say that October seems to be one of my happier months thus far. Here's to hoping it stays that way. ♡

Replenish.

Over the past few days, I found myself stumbling continuously on to an important lesson. "Too"  is a word that carries a lot of weight. There is a such thing as too kind, too loyal, too available. To  be completely  honest, at first I was a little flabbergasted. Why wouldn't anybody want people around them that have these qualities and use them to be a decent human being? Why would anybody be ashamed of being the best version of themselves?  The more it weighed  on my mind however, the more I realized the answer existed prominently in my day to day life.  People are naturally selfish. Self preservation is first and foremost. So when there's people out there that break the mold, like myself, we get labeled as "doing too much." Even worse, those around us get used to our giving nature and begin to become less appreciative and more expectant. When you start to expect a person to just be there for you, you stop appreciating the fact that they are.  As if it could get any more painful for those that give, the biggest issue with it is, giving to the point where there  is nothing left for oneself. For me personally, that's the hardest habit to break. When I love, it's usually hard and with full force. Yet and still, it never really dawns on me, that in the midst of all the love that I'm giving, I'm being emptied. Not just emptied, emptied with no way to replenish. Simply because everyone else is preoccupied with thinking about themselves. The saddest thing about not being built like that, is that we strive to be. Wholeheartedly.  Those who give naturally, want so badly to be able to focus on just themselves. It is extremely daunting to feel compelled to give your all to the people  you would do anything for, ALL of the time. Even more so, when no one is reciprocating.  Make no mistake, its not that  the people who choose to give more than they receive don't care about themselves. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We give as much as we do because it makes us feel good to know that our loved ones are taken care of.  We sleep better that way. It  just saddens us to no end, that those we hold dear don't have the same thought process 90% of the time.  It makes us question how much value we hold to them in the first place. It makes us feel as though we are unworthy. What is so wrong with wanting to be on the receiving end of the love we so readily give? The weird thing is, when we ask that, the general consensus is that there's nothing wrong with wanting the love we give. Even so, we wait patiently, only to  be left as loved starved as we were initially.  In fact, the majority of our loved ones say "if you can give such good love to us why can't you give the same love to yourself?" Firstly, no one said we couldn't. Secondly, why does the thought of loving someone the way they love you put so many people ill at ease? Thirdly, that question in itself is insulting because those cherished loved ones, are simply implying that because we care and love without restriction, that we should be able to cope with our own lack of love on our own. Even going as far as stating that existing happily without the love that we share with others should be "easy." Being natural givers we should be all we need. Right? Wrong. Such a sad sack of crap. Especially since it is common knowledge, that to love and be loved in  return, to the proper capacity, is what keeps people thriving in the first place. I will say this, it'll be a glorious day when the recievers can take the time out away from their own self absorption and raise their heads long enough  to see that us givers NEED just the way they do. And we truly do deserve it. Fully and completely.

There's No "I" in Parent.

Honestly there's nothing worse then a single minded parent. I claim that because, bringing another person into the world and then proceeding to behave as if one only has themselves to focus on and worry about is, in my opinion, deplorable. Several of the young adults of my generation, are getting ready to or have already had babies. I am witness to so much fraudulent activity when it comes to prioritizing and maintaining the well being of a lot of these children. I'm not a parent, so I can't tell anyone how to raise their child and I don't. However, some of these parents maybe... shouldn't be.  At the first notion that parenthood will be making it's fast and steady debut into ones life "me" or "I" desires shouldn't be the only ones to inhabit one's  mind. If you're walking the earth, still chasing after youth and resenting your child for not being able to enjoy as thoroughly as a childless person would, then maybe parenthood isn't for you. There should be absolutely no reason why I'm scrolling through my timeline and I see things like "This little boy/girl kept me up all night, oh well, wake and bake"  or "Boutta drop my little one off with grandma for the week, it's about to be lit"  Don't get me wrong,  Every mother/father deserves a break because that is a full time job. Honestly though, if the buck is constantly being passed to someone else with no plans to better oneself for their child then as a parent, that is not raising  a child, that is simply babysitting him or her.  Some mothers and fathers have no problem being grown enough to MAKE these children but seem to detest and be incapable of being grown enough to actually do what it takes to  gaurantee that they flourish. I've literally read post along the lines of  "I love my baby, but if I didn't have him my summer would have been soo lit" What the ACTUAL hell is that? Everything is a choice. Some people don't believe in abortion. Practice safe sex then. Do NOT punish a child, that didn't ask to be here because of your own careless actions. There  are alternatives if one deems themselves ill prepared or unfit for the lifestyle that parenthood entails. Adoption for one. There are so many women in this world, so many couples that can't conceive or can't carry full term that would love to expand the families they dream of building. People who have the means and and the proper mindset to raise a child. No one should be forced to keep and/or raise a child they never wanted or aren't quite ready for.  There are  too many crimes being committed against children by the hand of their own parents because it was so beyond clear but they were nowhere  near ready for that step in life but chose to do nothing about it. Then go forward with life only get too far along in the pregnancy to change anything. It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway. Becoming somebody's biological mother or father does not automatically make you a parent.  It is the love you give and the time you put in after the baby has arrived, that ultimately shapes you from a single minded human being to a nurturer of others. I truly wish more people would grasp that.