Binging with Brains.

When I'm not writing or being some sort of artsy, I'm Netflix binge-watching. Some things, I binge watch for the sake of hilarity. In order to pull my mind back from the crazy places it travels to on occasion. Every now and again, I come across a REAL gem. Almost all of the time, I never see it coming. About two days ago, I came across a series called 'Too Young To Die'. Basically, it's a show about different beloved icons who are no longer with us. Icons who died earlier than the world wanted them to, usually tragically. Anyone who knows me intimately, knows that at LEAST three times a month I pick a person from the stardom's passed  and become completely obsessed with them. Usually,  making it my perogative to learn everything there is to know about the way they lived and died. I've been enjoying this somewhat morbid "history lesson" hobby for as long as I could read, so this show was quite literally the BEST to me. It was actually really aggravating as well, because the apparently the seasons are  only ten episodes each.  What can I even DO with that? Ten episodes is how I warm up to a binge. Besides everyone knows that Hollywood has a way higher body count than that. Naturally, they had Heath Ledger, River Phoenix and Kurt Cobain for three of the 10 episodes. All of which, I have long ago obsessed over and learned everything about.  Although, I must admit to being quite pleased with the fact that they actually had the opportunity to talk to some, if not all of the people who knew them personally. The closeness of it was a nice touch. I was both surprised and happy to see that they committed an episode to Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I personally think was, is and always will be a brilliant actor. I was also more than excited that they included John Belushi. I dedicated more than a month to John, the year I turned 16. Afer being inspired by his brother James, and an episode of James' hit show  'According to Jim'. Anyway, there were few episodes of this Netflix gem that featured people that I'd never even heard of. Which I LOVED. It's always amazing to learn new things about pragmatic pieces of history. I'll always appreciate the gift of being informed. The common thread I've come across while watching these ten episodes, ten different people with completely different lives, all with the same unfortunate end. It hit me that no matter what the decade and the problems of the time, the common denominator is Fame. These ten people, whether from affluent or humble beginnings were all cursed with the burden of absolute greatness. It seems perfectly natural in my opinion, that some sort of insanity and the desire to escape it as such, would follow. To be completely honest it kind of puts a fear in me. Although I do not, in any way shame or form crave Fame, I do want to leave my mark globally. I do wish immortalized by my words whichever way I choose to leave them. Does my hope for some form of immortality automatically doom me to that unsettling fate? I sure hope not. That is what 'Too Young To Die' that I  just happen to stumble across on Netflix makes me think about. I personally love being made to think, because that is initially, how my best creativity ensues. Gotta love Netflix, inspiring us thinkers, one binge at a time.

My Nuna. 🎂

The first decade of my life, I was the only girl. Shortly after my  tenth year, my little sister was born. To the known world she was  Tormei  but at home she was just Nuna. I didn't know it when we  coined the nickname for her, but 'Nuna' means 'beautiful girl' in japanese. Ridiculously fitting, because my little sister was literally the most adorable baby I'd ever seen. And I'm not saying that because I'm biased. She had the chinkiest eyes and hair everywhere. Everywhere. Like an extremely well fed Baby Born doll. My mother used to dress her up in these little outfits like bathing suits and dresses and put her tiny self on her fur coats and have photo shoots. I was completely infatuated. The best part about my baby sister weirdly enough wasn't her laughter, it was the way she cried. She has the most hilarious cry because it was almost more of a vibration.  She would take her tongue and roll it against her gums to make that sound that comes out when you say a spanish 'R'. Some of the people in my family used tk pinch her cheeks just just so she would cry. As she got older, she became my right hand. To this day, noone in my neighborhood could even remember my adolescence without mentioning my sister. Everywhere I was, she was. At the time, I obviously didn't realize how much I would cherish those moments once they were gone. But now I know. She stayed by my side up until the day my mother told me to get out of her house. I was nineteen, she was nine. Today is her fourteenth birthday. I know it broke both of our hearts to be separated. She cried for me the day I left. And I hate the fact that I missed as much as I did. I missed so much of her pivitol 'coming into  myself years' and I know she's hurt about that. The fact that I told her I would never leave her side and was forced to soon after, has strained us. I don't  know everything the way I used to. Especially since there's  a whole new world to know. For that, I couldn't be more sorry. My sister was, is and always will be my shining star. Despite our ups and downs, and the fact that we haven't spoken in a while, I love her with all my heart. Happy Birthday Nuna!!!

High Priced.

We've got to stop thinking that people HAVE TO treat us how we treat them. The reason why people get hurt, the reason why hearts get broken is because people tend to put unspoken  expectations to their loved ones. Just because you are kind doesn't mean anyone has to reciprocate. Just because you love hard does not mean anyone has to return the favor. Expectation is the catalyst to disappointment. I can't really speak for everyone else. I do know that personally, I struggle with knowing when to let go. I am so hell-bent on seeing the best of everyone and cultivating whatever good qualities I may find into my own life , that I don't stop and think that maybe the search efforts are not worth the discovery. Anything that cost us our self-worth,  peace of mind and overall well-being it's too expensive. That's something that I know that I have to work on coming  to terms with on my own personal journey. Another hard and painful thing is accepting that a person may not be the person they were when you made the choice to believe in them, initially. People change, and not always for the better. We have to take notice to when these changes are causing us more harm than good. Everyone we love, isn't necessarily  meant to be in our lives. Hurting ourselves and dimming our light so someone else's can shine brighter is a suffering we have to learn how to avoid at all cost. We must learn to sacrifice for ourselves the way we do for others. We have to learn that that's okay to do, and that there's no need to apologize for it. It's perfectly fine that we love ourselves the way we love others, if not more. It's not easy but it's okay to do.

Heinous.

Happy November Everyone! I hope everyone's Halloween was fun and safe. I woke up with so much on my mind this morning. I couldn't decide  what to write about. I chose to really filter through my brain and whatever was still floating on the surface would be my topic. Today, the notion of fear chose to linger. Fear in terms of, being afraid to be one's best self for fear of being loved less and condemned more. It's been brought to my attention by a few of the people closest to me that sometimes,  even I change myself, quiet myself, dumb myself down and/or close myself off  far too often. Solely, to ease the minds of individuals that would  have a problem with me otherwise. One of my many Achilles Heels is the fact that I'm a natural-born people pleaser. I've always been that way, simply because the praise itself was its own reward. I've done so many things that I never wanted to do, to see someone else smile. From young, I prided myself on "being the little genius", "the golden child", "the special girl", the girl that's going to be "something spectacular one day". I loved having that title. I relished it.  To this day, apart of me just glows when I get complimented or praised on my intellect or savvy about so many things beyond my years. Gratefully, I came across a few people in my adolescent years, that taught me that it was okay to love myself and please myself as much as I enjoy pleasing others. Yet and still, the latter was so much easier to cope with because I ruffled less feathers that way. I was never the type to take pride in pissing people off or letting people down. To be honest, I still don't. At least now though, I handle the situation a little better when it arises. Everyday it's a process , Some days are sucessful, some days I fail epically. Every day, I try. I'll be the first to admit, that it's a lesson I'm still learning. We can't be afraid to be us. We can't let the things that people don't necessarily agree with, stop us from cultivating them and making them a part of us. Just because somebody sees things from a close-minded view doesn't mean we  in turn, have to make our opened minds, narrow. We don't need to placate their needs. The only real crime committed is making the conscious choice to hate and disown a part of ourselves  because someone we care about chose the judgmental path and frowned at us. We have to learn that if the choices we make aren't actively hurting others and going to actively destroy someone else. Or even more tragically, ourselves, then we need to stick by them. There's a difference between doing something someone doesn't like and doing something incredibly heinous. Heinous things need to be changed , ridiculed and reprimanded. Doing something that someone else doesn't like, is legitimately everyday life. That doesn't advocate for a pass to walk around  blindly hurting people and making them feel bad all the time. That's where instinct is supposed to kick in, especially if you're like myself, selfless and self-aware then you know what lines to not to cross and what boundaries to uphold. Some people have no sense of intuition. Not because they were denied a helping during creation but because their selfishness and single-mindedness prohibits them from tapping into it. That's  the definition of heinous if I was ever asked. We can't let selfish single-minded people tell us we're doing bad things by exuding honesty and loyalty first and foremost. If a person's overall agenda is  to think about only themselves, then who are they to tell anyone to put someone else's needs and wants first? Especially if they don't even know how to achieve that themselves. People like myself, are so often, so paralyzed with the fear that our purest selves will be shunned. So much so, that at the slightest hint of disapproval from someone we love, we then proceeded to completely disown and ignore who we truly are. Which is a habit that can't be broken fast enough. We need to work on accepting the fact that we are perfect the way we are. Even if people don't agree. Whether we love them or not. That's okay. It's going to be okay. Apologies are not necessary, when selfishness to the point of destroying another person, and single-mindedness to the point of complete obliviousness, AREN'T factors. It's perfectly okay to be oneself, as long as it's the best, purest, truest and happiest one.

Stunted.

So much has been going on this week. One of the most important things I've learned is, we as individuals, can't concern ourselves with people who aren't ready for constructive change. Even if some of these people are those that we love dearly and wholeheartedly. We can't force anyone we want to grow and flourish just because we are already headed in that direction. Statistically, people go through about five to eight different stages throughout their lifetime. Some people make  ridiculously valiant  and stubborn efforts not to become the last person that they're meant to be. Some are more comfortable, being stagnant in the adolescent process even as adults. Some people are the happiest resting within the bosom of their stunted growth. The unfortunate few that exhibit that behavior take pride and delight in being damaging disrespectful and perpetually immature. Make no mistake, I'm perfectly okay with people being the person that they want to be. What I don't understand is WHY a person would WANT to be someone who walks around consistently and pridefully disrespecting others and making people uncomfortable on the daily basis. People tend to get defensive when they feel as though people are trying to turn them into a different person. I understand that. No one wants the message conveyed to them that they are not good enough, just as themselves. However, not all change is bad change. If someone you love makes it clear to you that you are disrupting their peace of mind and everyday life by spewing pestilence, hate and predominantly patriarchal nonsense, why would you want to CONTINUE being that person? What kind of a person could even ENJOY  bringing someone that sort of despair? Certain behavior should be confined to certain stages of life and when it's  known that this stage of life is coming to an end you must grow beyond that. Although it may be scary at the time, not only is it necessary but it is also worth it. Everyone who chooses to remain stuck in their ignorance , even after it is expressed to them how much pain it causes those that love them, deserves to be left there. Stewing in their chosen blindness, alone. I personally believe, that is the hardest part for those who love people who choose to live in that manner. Letting go. Realizing that despite our best efforts, they are not ready for the road that has  been awaiting  them for many years passed. Those who are welcoming to growth, need to learn how to let thse who aren't be their own guide. As much as we may care, everyone has their own journey. We can't take them hostage and force them into being stronger, more positive and overall better versions of themselves. They have to WANT to do that, solely on their own. Until they make the decision, to choose that more positive lifestyle it is more than understandable for them not to be a part of yours. With or without explanation.

Canine Crazies.

Everyone knows that for the longest time I've been obsessing over getting a dog. I do admit I have the "canine crazies". It's not just because I love dogs  and I do LOVE dogs. It's more so because the more time I dedicate to spending with people, the more disappointed I become.  For some strange reason, we love investing time into people and things that don't necessarily deserve it. People tend to turn a blind eye to noble honesty, for the deluded  preference of blatant lies. Dogs on the other hand, their loyalty is unquestionable. I appreciate the innocence that comes with a dog. Very much equivalent to when humans begin our journey in the world. The significant difference is, while dogs  tend to remain innocent throughout life, humans, more often than not, age into agendas and deception. People seem to be the cause of most emotional turmoil  in others, whereas dogs are the perfect remedy to a less than stellar day. Now that I really think about it, almost all animals are better than most people. Dogs are the absolute best though. Yes I'm biased. Seriously though, even older dogs can be taught to change and/or adapt to new settings and situations. Most of the older generation of humans are so far stuck in their ways, that they can't even fathom that their may be a new, more constructive way to handle life's hurdles. Nor do they care. I can't wait to get my little puppy, so I can love him and raise him to be a wonderful happy dog. I have no doubt that he will bring me unconditional love and joy. The thought of it is sooo exciting. It goes without saying that  I'll be more than happy, probably overly eager to return the favor. 

Care.

Once again, I've come across another learning experience this week. I've come to an interesting about conclusion about human behavior from observing social media platforms, along with some one on one conversations with close friends. It seems as though  there's nothing more irksome than  someone who uses how a person feels about them against them. If one is aware that a person desires or cherishes them to an unwavering extent they should, in my opinion, take the necessary measures to respect as well as reciprocate  those feelings. In the event that those desires aren't returned to the full extent in which they are received, they should care enough to let that be know and then proceed to change the nature of the relationship permanently. That is, if a relationship were to continue at all. Instead,  most of the people who are on the receiving end of all these feelings  make it their business to go out there way to tease and evoke those emotions only when it's ideal for them. In turn, expecting said person to quietly and gratefully endure the torture bestowed upon them. It is never okay to underestimate what someone who truly loves you, would do for you. It is never okay to take these feelings lightly, or handle them as if they aren't a fragile entity. Love and desire are very powerful things. I like to believe that the majority of the time, they are the difference between success and failure, hope and defeat and even in some cases life and death. Unfortunately most humans struggle to think beyond themselves long enough to really grasp the drug-like affect they may have on others. Which mean that the rest of us, are walking around, lost and aching. Perpetually fiends for validation and reciprocation, I know the common consensus usually is that people shouldn't need another person to validate them and we shouldn't and in reality, most times, we don't. However, we are human and by definition, imperfect so even though we may not necessarily need the validation it always feels the best to receive it anyway. Which automatically implies that, it tends to feel terrible not to. Love and desire are heart and time consuming things. No one wants to feel as though they've wasted their heart and their time on someone who is perfectly content with manipulating their affections, whilst never quite returning them to their full potential. What exactly is sadder in the whirlwind of love than an unrequited junkie? I'm sure I'll know it when I see it, but until then, I can't  call it,

Complaints About The Blood.

Sometimes being disabled really sucks. I hate that there are things that I can't do in this world. It constantly leaves me susceptible to have to rely on someone else. The worst thing about having to rely on someone else is that it leaves room for error and disappointment. It burns me up inside to have to practically beg someone to do something, knowing that they're going to do a mediocre job, IF it gets done at all. They say when you want a job done right you have to do it yourself, but I don't have the luxury. Quite frankly, at this moment in time, I am mad as fuck about it. When it comes to my home, I legitimately want it to be a sanctuary, a place that  I can literally be proud to call mine. But on days like today, I  just feel sad that things aren't how I imagined they'd be. No where near. The most heartbreaking part of this all is that when I ask for help, nine times out of ten, I can't get it. Those that I have no choice but to rely on usually let me down. Everyone's so stressed, everyone's so busy and no one seems to have the time. To be honest,  I think  that some people like chaos. Sometimes I think people like to be stressed, just so they have something to talk about the next time you say "How are you?"I honestly feel like certain people encourage certain stressors just so they can have a reason to complain about life. They are so many times that I sit, and I think but if this person took this particular  stressor and removed it from their radar, their  life would be pretty much okay. The  truth is most people never really truly want to be stress free because then they would never have anything to talk about. It's always the worst because people say "why me?" or "can I get a break?"  over the most miniscule issues or for probelms that are self-inflicted. If you are the creator, maintainer and complainer of your own dispair,with no intention or plan to better your situation  then please be miserable quietly.  Don't use self inflicted misery as a way to get sympathy and in turn, manipulate your way out of the significant and moral functions of every day life. To be completely real, I have alot of emotional instabilities that sometimes lead me down dark paths and even darker actions. The behavior of creating a stressor, not  making thorough attempts to change a stressor and complaining about a stressor is a dangerous cycle. In fact, it would be the equivalent to me cutting my wrist for whatever my reasons, and then deliberately and immediately  complaining about how much blood comes out. Not only does it make no natural sense but it is self destructive. Noone should be content with putting themselves through that to get their way from a kind, usually naive individual. Even more so, no kind individual should allow his or herself to be roped into complying to that behavior. For whatever the reason. No matter what.

So Far, So Good.

Okay, I officially finished my first full week of October.Yay. I have to say it's off to a really great start. Excluding the fact that, for the first three or four days I was sick as a dog. None of that matters anymore because yesterday I went to Comic-Con. It was amazing. Between the cosplaying and the glorious merchandise it was a lot to take in. The only thing I can say kind of pissed me off, was the fact that despite there being lots of disabled people (like myself) there, most of the able bodied individuals didn't properly or respectfully aknowledge the navigational struggle. They really just tried to  shove past or trample over me. Luckily, I had people with me to help throw literal bows on my behalf. Sometimes "Excuse Me" is NOT enough. Anyway, the absolute best part of yesterday, was meeting, getting an autograph from and getting complimented by Stan Lee. The BLERD in me is pretty much satisfied and can die in peace now. It was so surreal. He said "Hey, How ya doing?" Naturally, I just stared like the unworthy soul I was. He said "I really like your hair, so nice" I managed to muster up a weak ass "Thank You" before going to get his signature on my Wolvy board authenticated. Star struck was not even the half. I wouldn't be me if I didn't point out how ridiculously expensive everything was but honestly for this Comic-Con it was worth it. Especially considering it'll be Stan Lee's last. I honestly hope October continues to bring me positive and happy energy  and that this weather respects me enough to keep me away from the sniffles and fevers the rest of the month. My anniversary with one of the best, sweetest, most loyal and loving people in my life is slowly descending upon me. It's on Monday and I'm grateful to even have my Best Gal, Asia, still so prevalent in my life. I hope to have her by my side for a bazillion years to come. Graying my hair while simultaneously, making me laugh. All in all, even though the weather change tends to suck for me and can honestly say that October seems to be one of my happier months thus far. Here's to hoping it stays that way. ♡

Replenish.

Over the past few days, I found myself stumbling continuously on to an important lesson. "Too"  is a word that carries a lot of weight. There is a such thing as too kind, too loyal, too available. To  be completely  honest, at first I was a little flabbergasted. Why wouldn't anybody want people around them that have these qualities and use them to be a decent human being? Why would anybody be ashamed of being the best version of themselves?  The more it weighed  on my mind however, the more I realized the answer existed prominently in my day to day life.  People are naturally selfish. Self preservation is first and foremost. So when there's people out there that break the mold, like myself, we get labeled as "doing too much." Even worse, those around us get used to our giving nature and begin to become less appreciative and more expectant. When you start to expect a person to just be there for you, you stop appreciating the fact that they are.  As if it could get any more painful for those that give, the biggest issue with it is, giving to the point where there  is nothing left for oneself. For me personally, that's the hardest habit to break. When I love, it's usually hard and with full force. Yet and still, it never really dawns on me, that in the midst of all the love that I'm giving, I'm being emptied. Not just emptied, emptied with no way to replenish. Simply because everyone else is preoccupied with thinking about themselves. The saddest thing about not being built like that, is that we strive to be. Wholeheartedly.  Those who give naturally, want so badly to be able to focus on just themselves. It is extremely daunting to feel compelled to give your all to the people  you would do anything for, ALL of the time. Even more so, when no one is reciprocating.  Make no mistake, its not that  the people who choose to give more than they receive don't care about themselves. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We give as much as we do because it makes us feel good to know that our loved ones are taken care of.  We sleep better that way. It  just saddens us to no end, that those we hold dear don't have the same thought process 90% of the time.  It makes us question how much value we hold to them in the first place. It makes us feel as though we are unworthy. What is so wrong with wanting to be on the receiving end of the love we so readily give? The weird thing is, when we ask that, the general consensus is that there's nothing wrong with wanting the love we give. Even so, we wait patiently, only to  be left as loved starved as we were initially.  In fact, the majority of our loved ones say "if you can give such good love to us why can't you give the same love to yourself?" Firstly, no one said we couldn't. Secondly, why does the thought of loving someone the way they love you put so many people ill at ease? Thirdly, that question in itself is insulting because those cherished loved ones, are simply implying that because we care and love without restriction, that we should be able to cope with our own lack of love on our own. Even going as far as stating that existing happily without the love that we share with others should be "easy." Being natural givers we should be all we need. Right? Wrong. Such a sad sack of crap. Especially since it is common knowledge, that to love and be loved in  return, to the proper capacity, is what keeps people thriving in the first place. I will say this, it'll be a glorious day when the recievers can take the time out away from their own self absorption and raise their heads long enough  to see that us givers NEED just the way they do. And we truly do deserve it. Fully and completely.

There's No "I" in Parent.

Honestly there's nothing worse then a single minded parent. I claim that because, bringing another person into the world and then proceeding to behave as if one only has themselves to focus on and worry about is, in my opinion, deplorable. Several of the young adults of my generation, are getting ready to or have already had babies. I am witness to so much fraudulent activity when it comes to prioritizing and maintaining the well being of a lot of these children. I'm not a parent, so I can't tell anyone how to raise their child and I don't. However, some of these parents maybe... shouldn't be.  At the first notion that parenthood will be making it's fast and steady debut into ones life "me" or "I" desires shouldn't be the only ones to inhabit one's  mind. If you're walking the earth, still chasing after youth and resenting your child for not being able to enjoy as thoroughly as a childless person would, then maybe parenthood isn't for you. There should be absolutely no reason why I'm scrolling through my timeline and I see things like "This little boy/girl kept me up all night, oh well, wake and bake"  or "Boutta drop my little one off with grandma for the week, it's about to be lit"  Don't get me wrong,  Every mother/father deserves a break because that is a full time job. Honestly though, if the buck is constantly being passed to someone else with no plans to better oneself for their child then as a parent, that is not raising  a child, that is simply babysitting him or her.  Some mothers and fathers have no problem being grown enough to MAKE these children but seem to detest and be incapable of being grown enough to actually do what it takes to  gaurantee that they flourish. I've literally read post along the lines of  "I love my baby, but if I didn't have him my summer would have been soo lit" What the ACTUAL hell is that? Everything is a choice. Some people don't believe in abortion. Practice safe sex then. Do NOT punish a child, that didn't ask to be here because of your own careless actions. There  are alternatives if one deems themselves ill prepared or unfit for the lifestyle that parenthood entails. Adoption for one. There are so many women in this world, so many couples that can't conceive or can't carry full term that would love to expand the families they dream of building. People who have the means and and the proper mindset to raise a child. No one should be forced to keep and/or raise a child they never wanted or aren't quite ready for.  There are  too many crimes being committed against children by the hand of their own parents because it was so beyond clear but they were nowhere  near ready for that step in life but chose to do nothing about it. Then go forward with life only get too far along in the pregnancy to change anything. It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway. Becoming somebody's biological mother or father does not automatically make you a parent.  It is the love you give and the time you put in after the baby has arrived, that ultimately shapes you from a single minded human being to a nurturer of others. I truly wish more people would grasp that.

Space.

I am quite the happy camper today. As I'm typing this, I'm resting comfortably inside my walk-in closet which is now my own little zen sanctuary, complete with pillows a desk a bookcase and a very comfy little rug. Super exciting. Before having my little zen den, I felt as if there wasn't a place in my home for just me.  Make no mistake, I love my one bedroom apartment. Genuinely. The big beautiful windows, sizable bathroom, two built in AC's, queen sized vibrating bed. It's hard not to be fully in love with where I live.  However,  creatively speaking, I didn't necessarily have anywhere to be. I had to park myself on my wonderful couch between video games and Nerf guns. My home reflects more of my best gal, Asia, then it does of me. Bless her sweet, laid back heart. I needed  a safe space where I could dump my innards, blossom my artistry and melt my mind down in peace. I now have that (thanks to her), and I couldn't be more grateful. I truly believe that everyone deserves a space that they can be there best selves in. It does wonders for the spirit. I know I'm going to be spending an abnormal amount of time in here and I could not be more thrilled. Please, please to everyone who believes they need one, create  a YOUtopia. It doesn't have to exist in the confines of a closet either, it can be a fraction of your bedroom or the whole entire thing, a section of your living room or even in the bathroom as long as there's something available to make you feel as though you can breathe when you feel like life is choking you. Honestly, that is all that matters.

In Peace.

I'm not feeling my best today. I guess that's okay because it seems  like my mind does the most  profound thinking when I am under the weather. I was thinking about the term "Rest In Peace" and what it means and what it's been symbolizing for as long as I can remember. It is usually used as a final farewell to a loved one lost. Still, I never quite understood why it even needed to be said  in the first place. Simply because, it always seemed a little bit redundant to me. Isn't rest, peace in itself? Why exactly do we wish the dead peace? They are the ones they who have been freed from their mortal coils and are done with the stresses of the world. No matter what a person's religious beliefs about what's in store for a person after his/her heart stops beating, the universal consensus seems to be freedom. Freedom from what those that are still breathing, see as the challenges of everyday life. I feel as though we should be walking around, telling those that are still here with us to "Live in  Peace." Surviving life is the ultimate fete. Everyday we choose to persevere, is a small victory. Some people are in constant search of a silver lining in a sea of doubt and despair, but no one ever wishes them well. I realize now, that that particularly unfortunate fact is based on the truth that we as human beings, struggle with sentiment and the delay of it. No one ever seems to truly care until it is too late to mean anything. The more I think about it, the more I start to grasp why it would be easier to to say "Rest in Peace" to a corpse than to declare that an actual breathing person "Live In Peace." Well for starters, a corpse doesn't have any reaction based off  of the words said specifically for them. If you tell someone breathing to live in peace, they'll probably take that as an opportunity to tell you all the terrible, saddening reasons why they can't. That is, if they don't look at like you you're a complete psychopath and proceed to give you the silent treatment first. I honestly wish people took offering words of peace to the living as seriously as they take offering it to the deceased. Maybe then people wouldn't act so awkwardly to things that society should already accept. Like a woman's right to say no and make it home safely, the LBGTQ+ community, black people, black people IN the LBGTQ+ community, basic human kindness, you know things like that. Maybe if we told each other to "Live in Peace" more often, maybe one day, some of us will actually adhere to the words and use the notion behind them to better the world we are currently suffering through.

The Beach.

The biggest affliction most people seem to have is that we all automatically assume that we have all the time in the world to do the things we've been meaning to get around to, and wanting so badly to experience. I realized earlier morning, that this is precisely the reason why death scares most of us. Death is a reminder that time, is indeed a luxury, not a mandate. I've noticed, over the past few months especially, that several people that I care about lack a sense of urgency. It's also come to my attention that some people never take the time out to be actively involved with those they love because they truly believe that when they "find the time" the person that is waiting on them in that moment, will just "be around". That's why phrases like "It'll be here when you get back", "Maybe later/another time" and "There's always next year" put me ill at ease. Even if a life isn't lost between the now we chose to postpone and the later we hope to receive, it usually never comes anyway. There's always something more pressing. Something else to do, someone else to see. Why is that? In the unfortunate circumstance that a life is lost between now and "some other time" then the tears flow. Which I completely understand as a human reaction however, most sadness isn't even based on the actual loss but the memories of the past and the ache of a snuffed out future. Most people are so busy fulfilling  some sort of unspoken societal quota. Filled with the stresses of work or school or both, that of course, is the means to adulthood but yet and still. The time missed doesn't even hit them until they're alone. In the shower, and it's a few months away from a whole new year and you haven't held a hand, kissed a cheek, gave a hug or slapped a five with the loved ones you've been meaning to pop in on but haven't actually been near in months. It looks as though people will never grasp the concept of "the more you put something off the more likely it becomes that you'll never actually get around to it." I brought a new two pieced bathing suit, a week and a half before my twenty-third birthday, When I tried it on, it made me look and feel phenomenal. I brought it with the intention of hitting the beach as much as humanly possible this summer. Anywhere away from my normal routine, with cool water and minimal clothing sounds like freedom to me. Even so, it is now September 10th. my mother's birthday, and I never did make it to the beach. Since August ended, I've been quietly consoling myself, "there's always next year", "maybe in a couple months I'll take a vacation", "there's no need to feel down, I'll have other opportunities for fun." I can't even make myself feel better confidently because I don't know if the things I said to myself, in my own head, are even true. Everyday now, I see that pretty little two piece in my closet and I say "Man, I should've just went to the beach." Bottom line is, spend the time with the ones you love and the ones that love you, before you no longer have the time to spend.

Life Jackets.

One of the most interesting albeit  unfortunate, things I learned this summer is that almost all trademark cliches are utter bullshit. I know it sounds weird to say, especially for me. How could someone who is so aware of the world around them even fall for any of that? First and foremost, I'm a sucker for a mantra. Some of greatest women I've ever come to love and myself, created one in our youth that I STILL carry with me to this day. Besides, who doesn't enjoy having little phrases of hope to live by? These cliches that we use to get by in life,  we say them and choose to believe them. Haboring the mindset that being a good person and staying positive is all you really need to get everything your heart desires. We all know that's not necessarily true. Well at least the realist inside of us does. I don't even know where to begin, there are SO many cliches. They all carry pure intent, but one learns over time that that's all they are. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Seriously? So you mean to tell me, the more I stay away from a person and keep myself out of their everyday routine, the more they'll think about me and want to talk to me. I don't think so.  If they possess that crafty 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality, then without you there to help them bask in your greatness then you're  pretty much, SOL in that circumstance. Okay another one, "Actions speak louder than words" *Inward Sigh* The thing about this one is that I actually agree,  with it. Even so, this is still crap because even though people SAY this and ideally what you show someone SHOULD be more important then what you say that's not always the case. Due to the fact that,  while actions can be forgotten, words whether spoken or written can be immortalized. One could  spend their whole entire life DOING a million things for the person that they love to show how much they care. That being said, the moment they SAY no, the moment they SAY  they can't, or they won't THAT is the moment that is felt the hardest and therefore remembered the best, despite all of the previous love shown. Okay what's next? Hmm. "Everything happens for a reason" Personally, this one annoys the living shit out of me. First off, it's not always accurate. Something's are just senseless, some things weren't meant to happen but they did anyway, some things are not necessarily meant to be understood. Secondly, the fact people tend to say this to another person after an unbearable tragedy strikes, sucks. If a person just lost a family member, or a friend the default thing to say is "I'm sorry for your loss" Saying "everything happens for a reason" is not only ridiculous but insensitive as hell. Especially if you don't plan on offering up what that reason is. Nobody wants to hear that. There are sooooo much more cliches, I want to touch on   but then I'd be here all day. I'm just going to finish this post with the cliche that I hate the more than any other cue mental drumroll "The truth shall set you free" This one here, makes me want to start a purge. It's a lovely thought obviously, but it is also a boldfaced LIE. Most people say they want the truth and that may be accurate at the time. However, the truth is so powerful that it doesn't always feel the best to be on the recieving end of it. People tend to freak out from the sting of it. That's why there's always the universal "At least I was honest/That doesn't't mean you didn't hurt me" conversation. Whether the truth is wanted or not people can't handle it without feeling even the tinest bit bothered by it. So letting the truth be known does NOT "set you free." It just means you're honest. But at what cost exactly? Telling the truth makes you a prisoner of your own honesty. Telling the truth isn't always pretty so it is never without consequence. All the best deeds tend to be punished. People may respect you more for your honesty but that has nothing to do with being enjoyed, admired and/or loved. You could lose everything you ever had and/or wanted just by gaining truth. That in no way means that I am condoning dishonesty, but I  AM admitting that I do recognize the perks, however temporary.  No matter how flawed these cliches seem to be, we hold on to them. We rely on them to bring us peace of mind when such a thing is harder than ever to find. Annoying as it may be, there's no shame in needing life jacket to help stay afloat.

Gravel.

Being driven by nature is usually a really cool thing to be . Usually. All the way up until someone comes across something they can't have. Until the very moment they realize they  may have met their match . Being driven, one tends to get what they want, when they want it, the way they want it. But what if one is so invested, so blinded by what they want that they can't even see  that they're playing a losing game?  Sometimes, even the most driven miss out. What people don't realize is that no one is born driven. Drive is observed, respected and then duplicated. A big part of having drive is the fear of being afraid. In order to exude drive successfully, one has to fear not taking a risk more than they fear taking one. Bravery and drive go hand-in-hand. Simply because there is never a guarantee that one will actually receive what they are going above and beyond to attain. Nonetheless, uncertainty should never halt the attempt. If trying doesn't exist neither does  achievement. Not trying to do something, in my opinion , is worse than failing at doing it. I say this because at least, if one doesn't  get what they want despite making the effort to, no one can say they didn't. Walking away can be dignified. If they make the choice to cower away from what they really want then they mustn't have wanted it as bad as they thought they did. In turn, reserving no rights to complain about the lack of, said desire. Either street one decides to take, there's a lesson hidden in the gravel somewhere. Finding and comprehending what it all means is where the real difficulty lies.

The Sky Is Blue.

Happy September!! I hope everyone had a great summer. I put my blog on hiatus these past few months to actually enjoy myself. Unfortunately, things didn't quite go  as planned but at least I got a few great things to write about out of it. I learned some new things this summer  and more importantly some of the notions I already  choose to live by were reaffirmed as well. I've always prided myself on keeping  my heart sort of hidden from a person until I felt that they'd earned it. I did and will continue to do that because people say things like "I love you" the way they say "the sky is blue." Some people of my generation and forward don't seem to grasp the fact that those words, especially when spoken romantically, including  the actions that follow, should not be for just anyone. Some people are so hellbent on getting a label out of a person. So beyond eager to claim and be claimed, to have a beloved "title"that it wouldn't even occur to them  that the title they are dying to get and/or give to a person does NOT match the story that is being played out between them. Which is why I barely believe in labels to begin with. A title does not a relationship make. The actions that follow, the love felt in the movements during the times that words aren't spoken. That is the essence of a relationship.  That's not to say I'm going to sit around bashing labels, it's clear that patriarchal western civilization is  really into them. But I feel like labels and any plans that come with them are not something to be given away on something immature.  Like a crush or someone who is merely a "good time." I also feel like just because a person doesn't believe in labels doesn't mean they don't deserve loyalty. Especially if said loyalty is being reciprocated. Loyalty is sticking to a commitment you made with one person not taking their love and using it as the fuel for one to give love to someone else, who didn't earn it. That is disrespectful, to say the least. For a while this summer I found myself wandering from my original standpoint on the insignificance of labels and trying to see things from the other side of the spectrum. But I realize now, if a person loves you and wants you the way you want them. That will be felt. If a person does not want you, no amount of commitment you give to them in whatever label you are under will change their mind. If someone wants YOU to be their main focus, you will be and nothing and noone in the world can change that.  People have to start coming to terms with the fact that you cannot force anyone to be loyal to you. No matter the excuses. NOONE can make anyone do what they dont want to do. It's a shame to because most people tend to destroy the hearts of those who are best for them, but that's neither here nor there. The most you can do going forward is to accept the person for what they are, love with caution and hopefully find someone who values and desires you as much as you value and desire them. Regardless of all else.

The Epic Middle Finger.

Lesson of the day kids, do not ever live your life based off of the way someone else thinks you should. If you are a responsible, respectable, mature human being you're doing okay.  You don't owe anyone anything more than that. If you are not killing anyone, or causing injury to another living being in any way shape or form, your life is just fine. If you can afford to eat, pay your phone bill and have a clean pair of underwear on, you are doing an excellent job at life. Do not let ANYONE or anyone's opinion make you feel less than what you are. It is no one's  business how much money you have in YOUR  pocket, or how you attain it for that matter. It is human nature to do whatever it is you have to do to survive. If people have qualms about that because they feel like you're not good enough for them or the people that you keep around you, that is their issue NOT yours. If your mom treats your little cousin better than you because your little cousin graduated from college and that's what she thinks you should do then OH FUCKING WELL.  If you think getting knowledge in a non institutionalized way is better, then honestly fuck anything else. If your significant other's parents make you feel like you're a deadbeat because according to them you don't work as hard as their precious baby, practice selective deafness. More than likely, they're  unaware of the complete and utter bullshit that you have to put up with from their "precious baby" on the daily basis. On top of maintaining one's own physical, mental and emotional stability. I'm truly EXHAUSTED with the mere notion that people think they're ENTITLED  to push their  opinion on you and you are OBLIGATED to comply. People can actually go  all the way to hell, without a drop of iced water with that load of  genuine crap. Noone  wants an opinion that wasn't  requested prior. Kindly, shut the hell up. Furthermore, it also makes a person think and wonder what is said about them  and their  situation  in their absence. Like is there a whole council that discusses the state of people's  individual prosperity over tea? Tuh! If so it would only be suitable to invite the guest of honor. Or should I say dishonor? Whatever floats. How other people see you and how other people feel about you is not your business. If they aren't  fucking, feeding or financing you, their words should come across as white noise to a  sleepy spirit. Barely audible and no where near relevant. Period.

The Invasion: A Love Letter.

I was struck with the notion this morning, that people are really uncultured. Too many people don't know about where the goods of this world really come from. There's a lot of different variations for the term "goods" but in this case I'm talking about music. Along with the writing and artistry and advocation, I also like to sing. A lot of my friends and family say I'm pretty good but the jury still out on that one. Anyway, one thing that most people don't know about me personally. is that I  have a deep and unwavering respect for the 60's British Invasion. The bands from that era, my goodness, the sound. Honestly speaking, the main reason I adore the British Invasion as  much as I do because if it weren't for THEM;  Dave Clark Five, Gerry and the Pacemakers, The Rolling Stones, The Who, and my beloved Beatles NO ONE  outside of black culture would  even KNOW and/or APPRECIATE  the black sound of that time. It was the Bristish Invasion that went to the black artist of that time and said "Hey that sound is groovy would you mind terribly if we  sung too or used pieces of it as inspiration for what we want to give to the world?" Or at least that's how I imagine it went. Truthfully, before the Bristish Invasion, white  AMERICAN artist of that era DID NOT  ask for permission to cover and/or sample the black sound. They simply remade the song and pretended the black version didn't exist. The British Invasion didn't try to ERASE us they simply paid homage and respectfully at that.  In fact, The Beatles worked exclusively with Smokey Robinson and wrote HIM a song as a thank you for letting them cover one of his. Gotta love those guys. Seriously though, my love for the British Invasion is insurmountable because they helped the Black, soul, R&B sound go mainstream while simultaneously blurring the color lines. There was no longer white  music or black music...just music. For that I will always be grateful. And let's face facts really, Beatle Mania knew NO complexion. They were everywhere, rich or poor, black or white. It was nationwide. Sigh. I STILL want somebody to hold my hand as bad as John wanted to. ❤

Drugs.

Earlier today I was reading about this really amazing guy. For the life of me, his name won't come back to me, and I wish it would.  Anyway, this guy is an artist who painted an array of faces based on  the effect of different drugs. I was immediately intrigued. When I finally went through the gallery of photos they blew me away. As I continued to read the actual story I read the artist took some of the drugs that he manifested into works of art. Knowing that sort of concerned me, (how can you even take drugs like LSD and Codiene and simply walk away?) but then it made me all the more convinced of his talent because it seems he captured everyone of the dependencies  perfectly. Interestingly enough, it was the last installment that stayed with me the most. His last drug of choice was love. His painting of the brain stimulated by love and what I'm assuming what it looks like in the mind when it is in love, legitimately made my eyes water. At first, I didn't quite understand why he would choose love and express in terms of a sort of contraband. But I would be being  naive to say that love, falling into it and surviving through it is not a mind-altering experience. Love is a very powerful thing. Making the most sane people irrational while simultaneously bringing clarity to even the most cluttered minds. I think it's really brilliant  that, falling and being in love doesn't feel the same with every new person we decide to to take that risk for. With one person, falling in love can feel like a light breeze and sunshine on your face. Another person can make you feel something entirely different. The more I think about it,the more I realize this guy was really on to something. Not everyone is going to react to the same drug in the same way, every single time. Why should love be any different? In my few experiences with the subject, falling in love felt calm, soothing, giddy and warm open. In my most recent experience, it's sort of like drowning and getting the opportunity to take in air at the same time. Painful  and scary divine and wonderful all at once. So I guess in a way, the artist guy really did hit the nail on the head. Love is trippy, but worth it if you do it right.

Slap In The Face.

Unapologetically speaking, anyone that gives me an excuse as to why they've been so absentee in my life; friend, family, significant other, whoever, that is the automatic signal to me, that it is cut off time. If said individuals reasoning, doesn't involve life or death circumstances for them or someone in their family  OR  the struggle of low monetary means, then I don't want to hear it. Even the monetary means situation is relative because  in my  personal experience,  if I want to spend time with a person but they cant get to me because they have no money, then more than likely I'll offer to pay for the travel. If that is indeed the case and I'm offering to pay then the next sentence should be "I'm on my way."  Even if a person  lived too far to get to me EVERY SINGLE TIME  then the communication should be relatively consistent.  We have too much technology in this day and age to not have complete tabs on our loved ones. If your presence is lacking in my life one way or another then honestly at that point your presence will no longer be wanted anyway. I wish everybody I loved  thought how I did when it came to this subject. I say this because, there's me, the ever-loving friend, companion whoever, always on deck and more than ready to be supportive and alert and present. There's not a day that goes by that I dont check in on at least four people I love. Even the ones I dont see often will have a random I love you via test or inbox waiting for them frequently enough. Those same loved ones that I go above and beyond for are most times oblivious to it. The reason being is because nine times out of ten they have their energy invested into someone who is not as invested in them. Being the one who is always invested, all the time, dealing with this blatant disrespect becomes hurtful as well as annoying. I'm always going to tell my loved ones how much I care about them. I'm always make sure my loved ones have eaten and that they're healthy and emotionally stable. No matter what. The same loved ones will be waiting on that same treatment from someone who wasn't even thinking about them long enough to send out a quick "You Okay?" text. Months will go by with no word, and still excuses will be made. It's really so fucked up. Seemingly, stopping the world for the person that treats you like shit, while not even fully appreciating the one person that is constantly there.

SIDEBAR: Yes, even if a person hasn't done anything to outwardly hurt you, or haven't made you feel like scum in recent memory, if THEY can go days, weeks or even months without talking to you or at the very least checking in after YOU have tried on NUMEROUS occasions then that person IS INDEED TREATING YOU LIKE CRAP!! NO IF ANDS OR BUTS ABOUT IT.

To accept that terrible  behavior and still even TRY to reach them all the while ignoring the effort in front of you, or treating it lightly, is like a punch to the gut or a slap in the face. I'll be the first to remind you, no one enjoys being beaten up.

Lights.

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the fact that not everyone we meet and everyone we love will think and/or operate the way we as individuals do. There are people out there who are the type to go above and beyond when someone they love is in dire need of  support. Whether bonded by blood or the the purity of overcoming seemingly unbearable obstacles, there's  always that likely chance that you'll come across a situation that highlights where you and your loved one differ in the handlings of daily life. Some of those differentiations will come as a shock , some of them will be confusing and some of them will be downright agreeable. Either way it is not our jobs to fret and despair over how other people may or may not treat us. If you do something for someone and later down the line when realize that they wouldn't do the same for  you, all you can do from that point is modify the way you treat that person. Weigh out your options and truly decide if going above and beyond for someone who wouldn't do the same for you even worth the stress. That's not to say that that makes the other person who doesn't operate on your personal wavelength a terrible human being. You may love this person with all your heart, all the would mean going forward is that you now know what boundaries not to cross. You know the limits to set for yourself when it comes to this person and that's not something to be apologetic about. It is the universal struggle to comprehend that we are not responsible for how other people treat us or how other people choose to behave. If we are being our best selves to a person but still feel that they are lacking in the same treatment it is not our job to build them or change them. Granted humans naturally help each other grow by surviving through adversity. That being said, it is not our sole purpose to assemble another human being. Only true purpose is to better ourselves then and only then can we work on helping someone else. Even so there are boundaries, it is not only ridiculous but cruel to dim your own light in order for someone else to shine. It is okay if not everyone you love to treat you the best all the time. No one is always going to be their best self, the world is too complicated for that. However comma it is sad and not really wise to let that particular behavior from said love one question everything you know to be true not only about your life, but about yourself. No matter what happens even when you make a mistake, react badly, get emotional or even make a really stupid mistake, it'd be best not to forget your inner light. Imperfection and embracing of the struggle does not make a person any more or less special than anyone else. Ever.

May Flowers.

It's finally May!!! Last week I didn't write at all because I was enjoying a little hiatus with family and friends.  I'm sort of excited because I haven't been feeling the best physically but the sun is peaking through the clouds more often now. For me, sunshine equals freedom. The best thing about May's arrival, besides the lovely flora and fauna is the fact that my birthday isn't too far away. Right before the end of May I'll be 23. I can honestly say that I learn new lessons every single day. In my 11 months and 2 days of being 22, I am solidified in my belief that perseverance is key. I've had some very trying moments in this year. As much as I wanted to throw in the towel and curl into the fetal position, I rose above it. The more I think about it actually, the more it dawns on me that the older I get the more I have to rise above. I can understand why that would be the circumstance though, most things people do to get through things when that are younger would be completely unacceptable  as of now. It's not, nor will it ever be productive to throw a tantrum or give the silent treatment as an adult. It will only make you look childish and petty. Behaving in a manner such as that also conveys the lack of respect you have for the person you're choosing to adress. It's best to be beyond that and treat people with respect its when its difficult. I've always seen May as the month to focus on and celebrate renewal and the blossoming of one's mindset and spirit. Regardless of what life conjures up, it's  important to  remain the best version of yourself that you can offer. Kindness and respect are traits in an individual that arent easily forgotten. Common decency always comes back tenfold.

No Accidents.

I am driven by my emotions. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think, and everything I write is emotionally deliberate. I don't believe there are any accidents, what is clothed as a coincidence initially, can turn out to be a vital part of an intricate plot in the grand scheme of things. The best thing about life, is that it allows the opportunity for  us mere mortals, to figure out as well as create and put together pieces of such plot. The thought of it is really poetic, in a painful kind of way. Purely off the basis that we're stuck with the burden of never really knowing who is in our lives to stunt and halt us or impact us and love us in such a profound way that the love lives on long after the body it was meant for expires. Due to, as well as in spite of everything that I'm forced to deal with on a daily basis, I've have had the pleasure of loving and getting to know some life-altering individuals. Some have passed on, and some are still here, yet the love is infinite and eternal. One person in particular, has held me emotionally captive since the day we met. Unknowingly, urging me to shed all comfort zones and get to know the woman I was, inside of the woman that everyone else sees. This person helped me maintain the grip on my pain, the way I am known to maintain the grip on my words. If there was a girl inside me, craving to be craved, itching to be desired and wanted and seen, I ignored her. Until this person tapped into her, despite the many facets she was hidden behind. It's not to say that others didn't or don't  care about me, it's not to say that people don't love me now. I have many loves. In many ways, for many reasons. But this particular love, felt and still feels so crucial to what is necessary for my functionality right now. Completely overwhelming, so easy to get lost in, so tempting to ignore reality for and so vividly effecting to my emotional programming. If it seems like a lot that's because it is, almost too much. Even writing about it feels taboo, as if the moment the love realizes that it is being expressed it is bound to escape me. So I keep it quiet most days , hidden inside of little things that are seen to be considerate little gestures , quiet little compliments and minor almost unnoticeable obedience. Simply because once said out loud from a  mouth such as mine , a feeling, a desire, a  love that consuming, is doomed to be doubted.

Candles for Camille ♡

April 8, 2016, otherwise known as today, is one of my oldest, dearest and best friend's birthday. She's been deceased for five years now. She was one of the people I happily chose as family, and every day I'm so grateful that she chose me back. People always say that with time, things like grief and loss get easier to cope with. But the overwhelming sadness I feel today, writing this, shows the blantant inaccuracy of that statement. I've come to notice something about grief and pain, it never really dissapates. The truth of the matter is, when people lose someone they love, for a long while that is all they are aware of. The heavy weight of the loss. What we don't seem to register in those heartbreaking moments is that even though our loved one is gone, we are not. We are still very much alive and have to continue on, living life, without them. To me that is the meanest part of grief. Not simply, knowing that they are gone, but knowing that after the dust  clears and everyone says their final goodbye, we left behind have to relearn how to exist. In a world they are no longer apart of. That is what truly makes the tears well up in my eyes. Now in my short time on this earth so far, I have had to relearn how to exist many, many times. To the point, where it seems sometimes, that the only thing consistent in my life, besides the family I chose to create for myself is the death of it's members. What's so significant about this particular loss is, after the one thousand eight hundred and twenty-five days I've been forced to live without her I am STILL learning exactly how to exist again. I miss her so much that I almost get angry at her for leaving me as early in life as she did. I loved my friend, my sister. Still do. Always will. My only solace is our memories and knowing, without a doubt, that she loved me too.  She would've been 24 today. Even so, through my pain, I will celebrate her life as if she were sitting right next to me. Like I have every year since we've parted ways. Rest in Power, Beauty and Happy Birthday!

Handle.

Control is such a hot commodity these days because nobody wants to be caught feeling unstable. What people fail to realize is the only real stability you ever get in life, is the lack of it. It's impossible to control everything all the time. Noone can control the weather, only their intuition to pack an umbrella  and wear a light coat in case it rains. Life and death are also untamable. All that can be done is to make everyday count, and when there is a loss, grieve and honor their memory respectfully. One may not be able to predict and therefore avoid all the adversities that life can conjure, but it is best to keep in mind that the way we respond to these obstacles, are indeed, part of the free will concept. We are in charge with how we cope. Life is full of action, and it's up to us as humans to assess the situation and determine the most productive reaction. Honestly, that's the most surefire way to plant  feet on the ground when a person begins feeling like they're about to fall over. Majority of the time when people are assessing a situation, naturally they give two responses. The first response, is based purely on the emotional reception of the event at hand. The second response comes in after an individual has taken a second to breathe and rationalize what has played out in front of them. Meaning that, if one were to get insulted or perhaps get their heart broken, they may be feeling so inconsolable that their first inclination is to set their tainted paramour's things on fire. Obviously speaking, that is very dangerous as well as illegal. Though it may feel fantastic as a short-term goal, arson is not the answer. Which is where the second response would come into play. After a few deep breaths, and tears being wiped away , it is finally decided that instead of burning everything to the ground,  simply packing up prized possessions and leaving the terrible person and the ruins of the "relationship" behind will suffice. It goes without saying, the latter choice is way more reasonable albeit less satisfying. Still, it keeps an individual from the possibility of jail time. Seems like a win to me. At the end of each and every day, even if you can't control what comes your way you have full command on how it is to be handled. Don't neglect that or take it for granted.

Blind.

Last night, I had a very interesting dream that made me a little bit nostalgic and also reminded me of my passions for knowledge. I realized that I should write about it now because the longer I let the day go by the further away from my dream I actually get. Basically, I was in my old AP English class (one of my favorites by the way) but the class seemed a little distracted. Honestly that was a bit out of the ordinary for us, because all the classes to be rowdy in, AP English wasn't one of them. Considering the extensive workload, we actually had a huge amount of fun there. My English teacher, whose name I will not reveal, had several funny and interesting ways to get us back on course whenever we kind of swayed in a weird direction. This particular time though, was more out-of-the-box than usual. I'm assuming it's because  dreams have creative license. In my dream, she went on to tell us a story about some person who was a savior to their town. That savior was blind, and despite his or her disability he or she went around town trying to educate others, cleaning the dirty and feeding the poor. She stopped in the middle of her weird story, smiled at us, and asked
"Which one of you hooligans wants to play the savior?"
Naturally , I raised my hand. That's who I was in high school , always eager and ready. I mentally prepared myself to make some sort of speech or declaration but instead, I was met with a heavy brush and a face full of white paint. At this point I was confused and even a little frightened. My teacher went on to say
"You can't see right now and you can't open your eyes, if you do you will get white paint in them. For all intents and purposes, you are now blind."
I sat there, mentally kicking myself for volunteering. My internal Beatdown was interrupted by my teacher saying
"You guys, If the Savior was here today , listening to you carry on about everything EXCEPT what we are supposed to be discussing , do you think he or she would be grateful for the gift of sight in this moment?"
Instantly, there was a jumble of shouting. With all the opinions unanimous that the Savior would indeed, be grateful for his or her long overdue gift of sight. Over the noise, my teacher's voice rose as she questioned me
"What about you Savior? Do you want your sight now?"
After a pregnant pause, I responded,
" Having my sight now , would be a terrible waste. If no one is making the conscious choice to fill and expand their mind with things they would have never known otherwise, therefore, choosing to hinder mental growth and societal progress, then there is nothing worth seeing. I'd rather be blind."
Shortly after hearing my answer on the matter, my fellow classmates decide to table their gossip and jokes for later, buckle down and get to work. That was the moment I woke up. I share this dream today, because even though it sort of creeped me out, it also made me smile. It reminded me, of my orating nature. It also showed me that with the right drive, society will eventually get to where it needs to be. We as a people just have to care enough.

Pats On The Back

I haven't written in a while because I've been completely blocked. Not to mention I've been dealing with real life. Unfortunately, both of these things tend to be hectic resulting in the halt to my creative progress. Today though, I'm taking the time out to acknowledge how far I've come physically as well as emotionally. I've realized that once a person takes an active interest in what goes on with their body on the outside, things on the inside just start to follow suit. As of late, I've been working really hard to lose weight. It's not that I think I'm gross or anything like that , it's more so based on the differentiation of vision. When I look at my own reflection sometimes I see what should be there and not what is. When It hit me that what I see is not my reality, I knew that how I feel about myself and what is reflected to the world should be one in the same. Thus beginning my weight-loss journey. In all honesty, I just want to be my version of healthy. I'm okay with never being a size six, I'm okay with cellulite, I'm okay with love handles, I'm okay with stretch marks. What I'm not okay with is being exhausted after walking a block. What I'm not okay with is having to fake a  yawn to cover up the fact that I can't breathe. Yes, my body is not built like the average person, simply by Birthright. But I know now that I don't have to exercise how everyone else exercises. I have to do my version of exercise, my way,  sothat it is comfortable and safe for me. That is what I've been doing since I've made my mind up to actually take my body seriously and I've lost 15 to 25 pounds so far. It feels good to know that the me I recognize and the me that other people see, are now the same person. I'm not always the nicest, I'm very emotional and complicated but overall,my spirit, my soul, my essence is strong powerful and very kind. My outer beauty can only compliment that. I'm really proud of myself for finally taking the steps in the right direction. I have a long way to go and considering I'm constantly under the weather, I know that it's not going to be a cakewalk, but as long as I'm here, I'm ready.

Stolen Sanity

I realized just recently, that I need to start commending myself more, on my resilience. I've had way too many rough days this week. Not the kind of rough when you've found yourself forgetting to set your alarm clock and  in result, wake up late. Not even the kind of rough that entails  you packing your purse pre- workday only to arrive there and realize you left your phone home. I've been encountering the kind of rough that ensures once you're apart of it , it may not necessarily matter if you survive it, because regardless you will never be the same. The kind of rough that makes you question every waking day, of every waking moment in your whole entire life. What sucks the most about this is, most of the stuff that hurts when you dwell on it, is already said and done. Because the past is unchangeable. That's the hardest part to get over. You think of all the things you could have been. All the things you could have accomplished, that may or may not have shaped your future differently. And you'll never know now. All you can really do is accept how shitty hand you were dealt actually is, and try to play that hand as prettily as you can. So in the end, you can come out on top and smiling. What I don't understand is, why  do people who choose to put this kind of rough on someone else's well-being act as if it is impossible to take accountability for their actions? How can someone manifesting that type of evil,even sleep? The truth to that is, they can sleep because they don't care, nor have they ever. That's always  the common misconception. We as humans, assume that because we have some type of deep rooted connection to someone, biologically, romantically, mentally that they are  bound to do right by us. Simply on the strength of how we've treated them our whole lives. We fail to realize that even people who don't manifest evil, don't necessarily have to treat us how we treat them. So why exactly would anyone with that insurmountable cesspool of hatred and overall instability  inside of them, do anything remotely kind-hearted? They wouldn't. And it would be wise to never believe that they would, ever again. That's the only plausible way to keep and/or regain the mental sanctuary that is your mind. The same mind that you didn't quite catch was, wholeheartedly and  vehemently "misplaced" when the new overwhelming reality unfolded.

"And" NOT "Or"

As a black woman, I must say that I get highly offended when I advocate for  the sexual agency of myself and others and get seen as some sort of "Hoe" or "Hoe lover." Even more disgusting, are these hotep ass black men and unawakened black women who scream #BlackLivesMatter but refuse to acknowledge that it is okay for a woman to be  sexual and dress however she sees fit and act however she sees fit, without having her black girl magic revoked. The really devastating part of all this is that I don't even think black women understand that the word "Hoe" is a black man-made word. It is used to express the angst and hatred that deluded black men have for black women for choosing to love themselves. Black women who don't know any better, or at least act the part, add fuel to the inevitable fire by bringing more life to this word, as well as others.  Hoe, Slut, Thot, Skank, Slide. Are all words that say, even if you have a 4.0 GPA or close to it, even if you have TWO ivy league degrees like our First Lady Michelle Obama, even if you are business savvy , entrepreneurial, an artist of some sort or musically inclined, if you are independently, unapologetically sexual YOU ARE NOTHING. If you dress like you own your body , if you twerk and move your hips in AND out of the club scene , if you choose to have sexual freedom, the kind that patriarchal society gets commended on , if you have more than one baby at what the world sees as "too young" your accomplishments cease to exist. All you are now is Hoe, Slut, Thot,Skank, Slide. That's a shame. If black men don't get punished or penalized for what they do with their bodies when they see fit then why should black women?  Black men love to fetishize us. Catcall us. Harass us. For our big lips , full breast,ample behinds, and wide hips. Drunk with objectification. Yet and still, are oddly silent when we want to wear what we want. Sleep with who we want. Dance where we want. Give attention to who we please. As if our bodies were soley made for the control and appeasement of the black man's penis. Spouting all that foolishness " Women should dress how they want to be adressed" that is LITERALLY  the same thing as saying "If that black man's pants are sagging he MUST be a thug, with no future, therefore we are MANDATED to treat him as such." Complete and utter fuckery. The same way black men should be able to talk and dress and walk wherever and do what they see fit without the very real possibility of losing their life to bias, racist police, black women are owed that same respect from black men. Without question nor hesitation. This also applies to the LBGTQI community, with lesbians who choose to absorb the "hotep male mentality" and bestow it upon their partners, seemingly forgetting that they too, are women. Get your shit together. Black women don't have to make a choice. Black women should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies without being shamed in anyway. There is no "intellectual OR sexual?" complex. That only exist in the world men want women to abide by. It's intellectual AND sexual. Get over it. To disrespect the black woman is to disrespect yourself. Seriously.

Rubbing Alcohol & Band- Aids

Quite early this morning, I realized that 90% of the excuses that people come up with not to do something are complete and utter bullshit. The other 10% are genuine reasons, and life altering situations that tend to keep a person away from something that they honestly wanted to and were excited about doing. Bluntly speaking, if you really want something or someone in your life nothing and no one will stop you from achieving that.  Save, obviously, life and death. There's no such thing as too busy, too far or too much. If someone wants you in their life, they will find a way get you there and keep you there. Dedication and drive are everything. They are the thin line between "I care about you, you're so great"  and "I want you to be a permanent fixture in my life forever, and I'll do whatever it takes to show you." They differentiate and separate the speculators from the executors. If you want something, don't just sit around and talk about what it would be like to have it , make a plan, a thorough one and unfold it, unwaveringly. The concentration alone, will guarantee success for any endeavor. Excuses are nothing more than a first aid kit for the spineless. Making it so easy, for cowards to look like well intentioned do- gooders who were "so close" to getting what they "really wanted." (Insert eyeroll here.) There's not enough time in the world to afford to waste any of it. What's worse is, most of the spineless inclined have people out there who truly believe in them. Loved ones and close friends and coworkers who honestly want these spineless individuals to succeed. Not ever realizing that they set themselves up for perpetual disappointment. I personally, believe that it's not that the spineless don't love the people who root for them enough to properly attain greatness, they just don't care about themselves enough and want it bad enough to even TRY. Instead, choosing to focus on a preset, non confirmed "truth" that they are all too happy to be hindered by. I'll tell you one thing though, the people like me, who are consistently on the side of and hoping for the best for the cowards that exist in all our worlds, are growing extremely tiresome of it. We won't be around, hoping, waiting and believing forever. At the very least, I know I won't.

The Planner.

I had a conversation this morning that made me grateful for being the person that I am. A friend and I were basically talking about what it means to leave things to chance and what it means to be prepared for things. I exclaimed that there was nothing wrong with using the analytical and logical parts of your brain to get the outcomes you see fit. Furthering that,  that particular mental state can be applied to any situation whether it is a personal matter  or one pertaining to business. My friend wholeheartedly disagreed with me. She said that I shouldn't even say things like that, because it would be difficult for me to attain anyone's trust. Yet and still, using your analytical and logical brain to get the outcome you want has less to do about the manipulation of a person and more to do about the manipulation of one's default personality. Making little discrete changes to oneself to see forth the outcome desired. That's not necessarily manipulation either, more so, adaptability. If you care about a person and you find yourself growing infatuated with them, it wouldn't be wise to start your relationship based on lies. Obviously however, you're going to do your best to put the best version of yourself forward so the object of your adoration will be intrigued with you. Not lying. Not manipulation. Adaptability. My friend felt as though you should leave things like that to chance and let the proverbial pieces fall where they may. I will always stand by my stance on not necessarily wanting to "wing it" leaving possibility for error or missed opportunity. If that is something one can easily prevent then why shouldn't they? For nobility? Why would that even be a issue if the only one aware of sudden humbleness is that individual person? People are always adamant about maintaining some sort of moral high ground. Without realizing that the definition of morality and nobility is relative and this is depending on the circumstantial evidence. Being prepared for things, especially in personal affairs doesn't automatically imply that whatever feelings may exist are less genuine. In my opinion it  displays much naiveté to even assume so. If anything, being prepared and having a set execution could only show how much you care because you took the time away from the humdrum uncertainty of being completely oblivious to be unapologetically aware. There is no harm or fault in that, as it should be commended. Besides, I've never heard of anyone losing life or limb for being overly prepared, have you?

Synced.

 It's March already, damn that was quick. I've had a lot going on  this past week and I haven't had the time to really check in. Today I've learned that in any relationship, it is important to be on the same page at some point. If you don't make it your absolute mission to have a mutual understanding throughout, then whatever you are trying achieve by being in that relationship, is futile. Nothing can survive when it is broken or out of sync. It is also really important to acknowledge when your counterpart is making strides for improvement. Sometimes, it is really hard when a person who is used to behaving and coping in a certain way alters their innards to be perceived warmer. The toll that feat takes on a person deserves recognition as well as respect. Apparently, when you really truly care about someone you don't give up on them no matter how difficult things may get. It makes me wonder though, how difficult is too difficult? I'm all for sticking it out, and holding it down  but at what point do you realize you can't hold it anymore? What's to be done if the weight becomes to much to bear? I mean, I've yet to truly give up anyone I care about. With the exception of one person and honestly, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Especially considering, the person that I chose to let go of is responsible for half of my genetic make-up. Honestly though, I feel as though the only way you can ever know when to let a person go is if they've done more harm than good. If you can look through the span of said relationship and end up smiling more than grimacing than it's worth working through and fighting for. If you experience the opposite however, then maybe it's time to part ways quickly and permanently.Overall, it is important to know yourself well enough to distinguish the two early on. It will prevent years of heartbreak in the long run.

Hitchhikers To Asshole Central

It frustrates the shit  out of me when the universe fixes itself in such a way that it constantly feels like my words fall on deaf ears. To make matters worse, the deaf ears my words usually fall on are attached to the heads of some of the people I care for most. I've never hidden or falsified my struggle in any way shape or form. I am a VERY self aware, intuned , emotional being and it's extremely difficult to quell whatever fun little feelings I encounter during the day, no matter how harsh they can turn out to be.  Saying that, I'm putting sole emphasis on the fact that when something doesn't sit right with me, or if I'm in a shitty frame of mind I make it known, when asked. So if one were to ask me how I am and I respond with something along the lines of "It's really a rough one today" or "I am emotionally struggling at the moment" or "I'm not my best, physically"  That is me letting them KNOW that dealing with me in this mindframe is wholeheartedly THEIR choice. Along with the notion that choosing to do so, should result in the complete ABSENCE of ALL stress, pain, and emotion provoking fuckery. Simply because, everything my body deals with on the daily basis is already overwheming enough. Extra stress is not only unhealthy but emotionally taxing. Therefore, making the concious choice to communicate with me, whilst knowing I am not at my best waaay beforehand, and creating the most unbearable emotional enviroment, whether it be for humor's sake or for the thrill of it is NEVER OKAY. Contentedly deciding to evoke the most agigating, stressful emotions possible in a person, who  made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that they just can't deal at the moment is beyond fucked up. One may feel like a trip to Idiot HumorVille by way of the Petty Train Express seems like a good idea, it's really not though. Not when person they chose to ride the train for can't bare the emotional weight. That's just being a fuckhead, joke or no joke. People need to learn how to better be intuned. With themselves as well as those they(alledgedly) care for. You never know when a person may just need a high hearty dosage of TLC (not the R&B group either.) Seriously though, some people are just really really REALLY hurting and they tell people so they can be recieved with warmth and love, not petty, argumentative, humorless bullshit. That's how the pain of those who struggle daily,  escalates. Be kind to people. You really never know  what demons they are fighting bravely to keep at bay.

Patience

10 days. 10 days it took me to get my equilibrium back after the loss of my dear friend Lawrence. In the midst of these 10 days I have enjoyed the red  and  pinks  of Valentine's Day, basked in the gratefulness that tends to overwhelm me on my older brother's birthday, the day after. Made it my business to use my building gym, while simultaneously thinking about what it takes to be permanently happy all the time. My mind was in that direction because I want happiness to be included in my everyday life. That's not to say that I'm miserable all the time or pessimistic, nor do I hate life. I also don't intend to live unrealistically, and expect everything to be absolutely perfect. My intention is just to make sure that  that everyday that I experience, I want to find a lot of wonderful things hidden in it. That one happiness to be so consistent in my life well its not even called happiness anymore but rather "Zae's personality." Granted that's not always easy for me, especially since the situations in my life tend to have the flair the dramatic. Lately though, things have been really coming along for me personally. I've been blossoming or "glo'n up" in such massive ways. Starting to update, my wardrobe, as well as my make up haul. (I'm SUCH a lipstick junkie) Taking care of my skin AND hair (Cocunut Oil Over Everything) and my body is slowly tightening up in all of it's juicy glory. I only truly want my emotions, to reflect my physical progress. It'll all come together though, in due time.

Target.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to make any more friends because I don't wan't to lose any more people. Sometimes, I feel like as much as I love children, I don't want to be a mother. I'm afraid my black baby's life won't matter, and that the  permanent target he/she  born with on his/her back will be too bright to miss.  Last night, someone very near and dear to my heart was killed by a cop. His name was Lawrence but I called him Lottie. We went to middle school together, he was a bit of a knucklehead. I always had my head in a book so naturally, I adored him.  He was my chocolate brown, always down, BK clown. The DMX to my Aaliyah. We had a bit of puppy love, but beyond that he was my friend. One of the best.  He looked out for me. He was Brooklyn bred, with the aura to match. He showed it to everybody, but mostly me. Even as we got older, graduated, middle school, graduated high school started college we always kept in touch. His parents died in the middle of 8th grade, so he,  (along with his toddler siblings) was left in the care of his ederly grandmother. As time went on though, she got older and Lottie needed to take care of her, as well as his siblings. Which he did,  proudly, without complaint. Even when I got sick, he was one of the first people to ask me if I needed anything. He always took the time out of his week just to see if I was ok.  Waay back, in school, he was actually one of the first people to tell me that I had any talent, writing wise. Lottie was a very smart young man, he just made many self sabotaging decisions. Like going to college and getting his pre law degree but not going to Law School because according to him "the money was to slow" and "leaving the kids ain't an option". The cop that killed my dear, dear friend probably saw him as a thug, with temper problems and no future. Lottie was, Lottie IS so much more than that.  Lottie is a black young man, who took pride in his ability to provide for his family. He is educated and caring and kind and loving. And now Lottie is dead. By no fault of his own. My heart is broken, because I can't do anything but tell his story and make sure people know, there was more to him then the snapback, jordans and True Religion jeans he was killed in. Lottie was a HUMAN BEING, and to have him snuffed out by some dirty cop with a God-complex, is something I will NEVER forgive, NOR "get over." I'll miss him, simply because I loved his heart. Still do. Always will. I can only hope that with time I'll gain understanding and clarity. That peace will return to me once again, so the grief won't feel so overwhelming. Until then, I will mourn hard, and analyze hard and remember hard, so that the murder of my friend Lawrence, will have a purpose.

Unapologetic.

Okay so, let's do this because I could seriously sit here and go off about this video all day long. Beyoncè's 'Formation' video is everything. I don't even know what I like most.  Is it the fact that she silence the naysayers about the Illuminati bullshit? I like that. Simply on the strength that she's conveying that as a black celebrity, devil worshipping is not the way she got her success.  I don't know why the common consensus is anyone with color to their skin that has made a life for themselves in a major way has to be doing something extra. Other than just freaking working hard, being diligent as well as precise about every decision that they make. I'm glad she said that, definitely. Let's talk about how HARD she  represented the Black Lives Matter Movement.  Please can we talk about that? That was so imperative. Ingenious too, because one can't avoid the movement if it's smack dab in front of their face  a Beyoncè video. Ain't no "All Lives Matter" bih!!  Only some do, to societal standards ,  and none of those lives are black. Let's talk about her background dancers decked out in Black Panther leather circa 1970. Let's talk about how she was just so powerful and gorgeous in every frame just oozing and advocating for that female sexual agency.  For all the hoteps ready to stir, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. SILENTLY. I'm so excited, I can sit here and go on and on.  Thank goodness, she finally told people to shut the hell up about Blue Ivy's hair. She likes her baby's hair with baby hair and afros, and there' s nothing you could do about it because of black girl magic. I literally exploded with pride. Lets keep it real, the fact that this beat is so hard and ratchet and danceable and everything just black and beautiful, makes it SOOOO MUCH MORE than a song. This is an ANTHEM. I am bursting at the seams about it. I will be listening to this song more than once a day,  every single day. Beyonce just smacked the world in the face with blackness. On such a grand beautiful scale, on such a large basis. She took her platform and made it as black and as beautiful as it can be. Let us please relish in the fact that she pulled the protective coating off of the fact that New Orleans is still destroyed by Hurricane Katrina after over a decade's time.  Let's focus on that. She took so many important issues that I love to run my mouth and move my fingers about every day and put them smack dab in one video.  On top of that, not only does she sit and list how fabulous black people and black women are she made it known that she doesn't want us to stop being fabulous. She wants us to get in Formation and be fabulous  and fearless, because of or in spite of all the shit that we have to go through every single day. Beyoncé!! Yes, Beyoncè!! You know why because she keeps hot sauce in her bag. Swag. You can't tell me that this is not one of the greatest things ever to even exist. Beyoncé is our voice right now, and when I say our, I mean black people. She is speaking for us,finally someone who has some clout, someone who has some power, someone who has some influence on a serious level is speaking for us.  That's why my brain is exploding right now ,this is the most amazing thing. I could not be more proud.  If you haven't heard the song or seen the video, you need to watch this video. Not even only if you're black either. If you're not black you need to watch this video and understand what is unfolding in front of you. Black pride. Black power. Black awareness. Black strength. Recognize it and respect it.  See it. We do exist. We are still here. I've been trying to get people to be in formation for a long time. I've been here in my arrogance and my passion and my blackness, with my big nose, and my happy black hair waiting for someone to stand up and advocate for sometime. Someone with a voice that's bigger than mine I'm so happy right now. Beyoncè made a song, with a video  said that black people are beautiful in all our strength and we matter. She's right, and I'm not sorry she got the message out.

Small Victories.

Been a little out of whack these last couple of days. Not only did I not feel good physically, emotionally I wasn't at my best either. In the midst of all that I realized, it's not about how many times we as people, feel that we fall down, it's how many times we choose to get back up. "Perfect" is a word that was created to use in stories that always have happy endings. Beyond that, that word doesn't apply to anything that actually exist. I feel like  humans, even more so as women, put so much pressure on ourselves to be what everybody else thinks we should be. Without realizing that what everybody else thinks we should be shouldn't even matter because we don't even KNOW everybody else.  I also feel that, sometimes, it is extremely hard to maintain a positive state of mind on the daily because life has no pause button. Unfortunately, nothing in this world is going to stop because we don't feel like we're "all there" today. There is no omniscient being tapping us on the shoulder in the middle of our journey to ask us how we're holding up at that very moment. Wholeheartedly, I wish there was. That way when things do get rough, we can say I know someone will check in on me, so if I can just hold on a little longer, I'll make it through. Sadly enough though, most people suffer through things alone and silently, even when they don't have to. My best friend once told me, that life is about the "small victories", I have to admit at first I didn't really understand what she meant. I think I was too deep in the middle of my fall down, to truly grasp it. Now that I am upright again, I understand that she meant that life is about achieving something that may not be a big deal to someone else but it means everything to the achiever. It is more than likely,  something that may not have been able to be done the  hour, day, week, month or year before. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless. My point is this. If you wake up at any point, on any day and just decide you can't. You can't adult today. You can't suffer today. You can't smile today. If you get out of your bed, and the weight is too much to bear beneath your feet, before you decide whether you want to take another step forward, you first must congratulate yourself for getting out of bed. That's not to say things will never be crappy ever again. Nor will I say, every day is going to be faced with a smile and a clear mind. I would never say that because I know that is completely unrealistic.  More than likely a terrible terrible lie as well. What I will say is, it is ok to move slowly, it is okay to be fully aware of everything you do and fully aware of how hard it is. It is more than okay to pat yourself on the back for EVERY step you take, because to be honest we all have the same 24 hours and some people are choosing not to step at all. Congratulating yourself, or just noticing your own effort, especially when you slip and fall, or "mess up" can be enough to get you through each and every day one step at a time. Continued flow through adversity and hardship, is the greatest accomplishment of all.