Replenish.

Over the past few days, I found myself stumbling continuously on to an important lesson. "Too"  is a word that carries a lot of weight. There is a such thing as too kind, too loyal, too available. To  be completely  honest, at first I was a little flabbergasted. Why wouldn't anybody want people around them that have these qualities and use them to be a decent human being? Why would anybody be ashamed of being the best version of themselves?  The more it weighed  on my mind however, the more I realized the answer existed prominently in my day to day life.  People are naturally selfish. Self preservation is first and foremost. So when there's people out there that break the mold, like myself, we get labeled as "doing too much." Even worse, those around us get used to our giving nature and begin to become less appreciative and more expectant. When you start to expect a person to just be there for you, you stop appreciating the fact that they are.  As if it could get any more painful for those that give, the biggest issue with it is, giving to the point where there  is nothing left for oneself. For me personally, that's the hardest habit to break. When I love, it's usually hard and with full force. Yet and still, it never really dawns on me, that in the midst of all the love that I'm giving, I'm being emptied. Not just emptied, emptied with no way to replenish. Simply because everyone else is preoccupied with thinking about themselves. The saddest thing about not being built like that, is that we strive to be. Wholeheartedly.  Those who give naturally, want so badly to be able to focus on just themselves. It is extremely daunting to feel compelled to give your all to the people  you would do anything for, ALL of the time. Even more so, when no one is reciprocating.  Make no mistake, its not that  the people who choose to give more than they receive don't care about themselves. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We give as much as we do because it makes us feel good to know that our loved ones are taken care of.  We sleep better that way. It  just saddens us to no end, that those we hold dear don't have the same thought process 90% of the time.  It makes us question how much value we hold to them in the first place. It makes us feel as though we are unworthy. What is so wrong with wanting to be on the receiving end of the love we so readily give? The weird thing is, when we ask that, the general consensus is that there's nothing wrong with wanting the love we give. Even so, we wait patiently, only to  be left as loved starved as we were initially.  In fact, the majority of our loved ones say "if you can give such good love to us why can't you give the same love to yourself?" Firstly, no one said we couldn't. Secondly, why does the thought of loving someone the way they love you put so many people ill at ease? Thirdly, that question in itself is insulting because those cherished loved ones, are simply implying that because we care and love without restriction, that we should be able to cope with our own lack of love on our own. Even going as far as stating that existing happily without the love that we share with others should be "easy." Being natural givers we should be all we need. Right? Wrong. Such a sad sack of crap. Especially since it is common knowledge, that to love and be loved in  return, to the proper capacity, is what keeps people thriving in the first place. I will say this, it'll be a glorious day when the recievers can take the time out away from their own self absorption and raise their heads long enough  to see that us givers NEED just the way they do. And we truly do deserve it. Fully and completely.

There's No "I" in Parent.

Honestly there's nothing worse then a single minded parent. I claim that because, bringing another person into the world and then proceeding to behave as if one only has themselves to focus on and worry about is, in my opinion, deplorable. Several of the young adults of my generation, are getting ready to or have already had babies. I am witness to so much fraudulent activity when it comes to prioritizing and maintaining the well being of a lot of these children. I'm not a parent, so I can't tell anyone how to raise their child and I don't. However, some of these parents maybe... shouldn't be.  At the first notion that parenthood will be making it's fast and steady debut into ones life "me" or "I" desires shouldn't be the only ones to inhabit one's  mind. If you're walking the earth, still chasing after youth and resenting your child for not being able to enjoy as thoroughly as a childless person would, then maybe parenthood isn't for you. There should be absolutely no reason why I'm scrolling through my timeline and I see things like "This little boy/girl kept me up all night, oh well, wake and bake"  or "Boutta drop my little one off with grandma for the week, it's about to be lit"  Don't get me wrong,  Every mother/father deserves a break because that is a full time job. Honestly though, if the buck is constantly being passed to someone else with no plans to better oneself for their child then as a parent, that is not raising  a child, that is simply babysitting him or her.  Some mothers and fathers have no problem being grown enough to MAKE these children but seem to detest and be incapable of being grown enough to actually do what it takes to  gaurantee that they flourish. I've literally read post along the lines of  "I love my baby, but if I didn't have him my summer would have been soo lit" What the ACTUAL hell is that? Everything is a choice. Some people don't believe in abortion. Practice safe sex then. Do NOT punish a child, that didn't ask to be here because of your own careless actions. There  are alternatives if one deems themselves ill prepared or unfit for the lifestyle that parenthood entails. Adoption for one. There are so many women in this world, so many couples that can't conceive or can't carry full term that would love to expand the families they dream of building. People who have the means and and the proper mindset to raise a child. No one should be forced to keep and/or raise a child they never wanted or aren't quite ready for.  There are  too many crimes being committed against children by the hand of their own parents because it was so beyond clear but they were nowhere  near ready for that step in life but chose to do nothing about it. Then go forward with life only get too far along in the pregnancy to change anything. It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway. Becoming somebody's biological mother or father does not automatically make you a parent.  It is the love you give and the time you put in after the baby has arrived, that ultimately shapes you from a single minded human being to a nurturer of others. I truly wish more people would grasp that.

Space.

I am quite the happy camper today. As I'm typing this, I'm resting comfortably inside my walk-in closet which is now my own little zen sanctuary, complete with pillows a desk a bookcase and a very comfy little rug. Super exciting. Before having my little zen den, I felt as if there wasn't a place in my home for just me.  Make no mistake, I love my one bedroom apartment. Genuinely. The big beautiful windows, sizable bathroom, two built in AC's, queen sized vibrating bed. It's hard not to be fully in love with where I live.  However,  creatively speaking, I didn't necessarily have anywhere to be. I had to park myself on my wonderful couch between video games and Nerf guns. My home reflects more of my best gal, Asia, then it does of me. Bless her sweet, laid back heart. I needed  a safe space where I could dump my innards, blossom my artistry and melt my mind down in peace. I now have that (thanks to her), and I couldn't be more grateful. I truly believe that everyone deserves a space that they can be there best selves in. It does wonders for the spirit. I know I'm going to be spending an abnormal amount of time in here and I could not be more thrilled. Please, please to everyone who believes they need one, create  a YOUtopia. It doesn't have to exist in the confines of a closet either, it can be a fraction of your bedroom or the whole entire thing, a section of your living room or even in the bathroom as long as there's something available to make you feel as though you can breathe when you feel like life is choking you. Honestly, that is all that matters.

In Peace.

I'm not feeling my best today. I guess that's okay because it seems  like my mind does the most  profound thinking when I am under the weather. I was thinking about the term "Rest In Peace" and what it means and what it's been symbolizing for as long as I can remember. It is usually used as a final farewell to a loved one lost. Still, I never quite understood why it even needed to be said  in the first place. Simply because, it always seemed a little bit redundant to me. Isn't rest, peace in itself? Why exactly do we wish the dead peace? They are the ones they who have been freed from their mortal coils and are done with the stresses of the world. No matter what a person's religious beliefs about what's in store for a person after his/her heart stops beating, the universal consensus seems to be freedom. Freedom from what those that are still breathing, see as the challenges of everyday life. I feel as though we should be walking around, telling those that are still here with us to "Live in  Peace." Surviving life is the ultimate fete. Everyday we choose to persevere, is a small victory. Some people are in constant search of a silver lining in a sea of doubt and despair, but no one ever wishes them well. I realize now, that that particularly unfortunate fact is based on the truth that we as human beings, struggle with sentiment and the delay of it. No one ever seems to truly care until it is too late to mean anything. The more I think about it, the more I start to grasp why it would be easier to to say "Rest in Peace" to a corpse than to declare that an actual breathing person "Live In Peace." Well for starters, a corpse doesn't have any reaction based off  of the words said specifically for them. If you tell someone breathing to live in peace, they'll probably take that as an opportunity to tell you all the terrible, saddening reasons why they can't. That is, if they don't look at like you you're a complete psychopath and proceed to give you the silent treatment first. I honestly wish people took offering words of peace to the living as seriously as they take offering it to the deceased. Maybe then people wouldn't act so awkwardly to things that society should already accept. Like a woman's right to say no and make it home safely, the LBGTQ+ community, black people, black people IN the LBGTQ+ community, basic human kindness, you know things like that. Maybe if we told each other to "Live in Peace" more often, maybe one day, some of us will actually adhere to the words and use the notion behind them to better the world we are currently suffering through.

The Beach.

The biggest affliction most people seem to have is that we all automatically assume that we have all the time in the world to do the things we've been meaning to get around to, and wanting so badly to experience. I realized earlier morning, that this is precisely the reason why death scares most of us. Death is a reminder that time, is indeed a luxury, not a mandate. I've noticed, over the past few months especially, that several people that I care about lack a sense of urgency. It's also come to my attention that some people never take the time out to be actively involved with those they love because they truly believe that when they "find the time" the person that is waiting on them in that moment, will just "be around". That's why phrases like "It'll be here when you get back", "Maybe later/another time" and "There's always next year" put me ill at ease. Even if a life isn't lost between the now we chose to postpone and the later we hope to receive, it usually never comes anyway. There's always something more pressing. Something else to do, someone else to see. Why is that? In the unfortunate circumstance that a life is lost between now and "some other time" then the tears flow. Which I completely understand as a human reaction however, most sadness isn't even based on the actual loss but the memories of the past and the ache of a snuffed out future. Most people are so busy fulfilling  some sort of unspoken societal quota. Filled with the stresses of work or school or both, that of course, is the means to adulthood but yet and still. The time missed doesn't even hit them until they're alone. In the shower, and it's a few months away from a whole new year and you haven't held a hand, kissed a cheek, gave a hug or slapped a five with the loved ones you've been meaning to pop in on but haven't actually been near in months. It looks as though people will never grasp the concept of "the more you put something off the more likely it becomes that you'll never actually get around to it." I brought a new two pieced bathing suit, a week and a half before my twenty-third birthday, When I tried it on, it made me look and feel phenomenal. I brought it with the intention of hitting the beach as much as humanly possible this summer. Anywhere away from my normal routine, with cool water and minimal clothing sounds like freedom to me. Even so, it is now September 10th. my mother's birthday, and I never did make it to the beach. Since August ended, I've been quietly consoling myself, "there's always next year", "maybe in a couple months I'll take a vacation", "there's no need to feel down, I'll have other opportunities for fun." I can't even make myself feel better confidently because I don't know if the things I said to myself, in my own head, are even true. Everyday now, I see that pretty little two piece in my closet and I say "Man, I should've just went to the beach." Bottom line is, spend the time with the ones you love and the ones that love you, before you no longer have the time to spend.

Life Jackets.

One of the most interesting albeit  unfortunate, things I learned this summer is that almost all trademark cliches are utter bullshit. I know it sounds weird to say, especially for me. How could someone who is so aware of the world around them even fall for any of that? First and foremost, I'm a sucker for a mantra. Some of greatest women I've ever come to love and myself, created one in our youth that I STILL carry with me to this day. Besides, who doesn't enjoy having little phrases of hope to live by? These cliches that we use to get by in life,  we say them and choose to believe them. Haboring the mindset that being a good person and staying positive is all you really need to get everything your heart desires. We all know that's not necessarily true. Well at least the realist inside of us does. I don't even know where to begin, there are SO many cliches. They all carry pure intent, but one learns over time that that's all they are. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Seriously? So you mean to tell me, the more I stay away from a person and keep myself out of their everyday routine, the more they'll think about me and want to talk to me. I don't think so.  If they possess that crafty 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality, then without you there to help them bask in your greatness then you're  pretty much, SOL in that circumstance. Okay another one, "Actions speak louder than words" *Inward Sigh* The thing about this one is that I actually agree,  with it. Even so, this is still crap because even though people SAY this and ideally what you show someone SHOULD be more important then what you say that's not always the case. Due to the fact that,  while actions can be forgotten, words whether spoken or written can be immortalized. One could  spend their whole entire life DOING a million things for the person that they love to show how much they care. That being said, the moment they SAY no, the moment they SAY  they can't, or they won't THAT is the moment that is felt the hardest and therefore remembered the best, despite all of the previous love shown. Okay what's next? Hmm. "Everything happens for a reason" Personally, this one annoys the living shit out of me. First off, it's not always accurate. Something's are just senseless, some things weren't meant to happen but they did anyway, some things are not necessarily meant to be understood. Secondly, the fact people tend to say this to another person after an unbearable tragedy strikes, sucks. If a person just lost a family member, or a friend the default thing to say is "I'm sorry for your loss" Saying "everything happens for a reason" is not only ridiculous but insensitive as hell. Especially if you don't plan on offering up what that reason is. Nobody wants to hear that. There are sooooo much more cliches, I want to touch on   but then I'd be here all day. I'm just going to finish this post with the cliche that I hate the more than any other cue mental drumroll "The truth shall set you free" This one here, makes me want to start a purge. It's a lovely thought obviously, but it is also a boldfaced LIE. Most people say they want the truth and that may be accurate at the time. However, the truth is so powerful that it doesn't always feel the best to be on the recieving end of it. People tend to freak out from the sting of it. That's why there's always the universal "At least I was honest/That doesn't't mean you didn't hurt me" conversation. Whether the truth is wanted or not people can't handle it without feeling even the tinest bit bothered by it. So letting the truth be known does NOT "set you free." It just means you're honest. But at what cost exactly? Telling the truth makes you a prisoner of your own honesty. Telling the truth isn't always pretty so it is never without consequence. All the best deeds tend to be punished. People may respect you more for your honesty but that has nothing to do with being enjoyed, admired and/or loved. You could lose everything you ever had and/or wanted just by gaining truth. That in no way means that I am condoning dishonesty, but I  AM admitting that I do recognize the perks, however temporary.  No matter how flawed these cliches seem to be, we hold on to them. We rely on them to bring us peace of mind when such a thing is harder than ever to find. Annoying as it may be, there's no shame in needing life jacket to help stay afloat.

Gravel.

Being driven by nature is usually a really cool thing to be . Usually. All the way up until someone comes across something they can't have. Until the very moment they realize they  may have met their match . Being driven, one tends to get what they want, when they want it, the way they want it. But what if one is so invested, so blinded by what they want that they can't even see  that they're playing a losing game?  Sometimes, even the most driven miss out. What people don't realize is that no one is born driven. Drive is observed, respected and then duplicated. A big part of having drive is the fear of being afraid. In order to exude drive successfully, one has to fear not taking a risk more than they fear taking one. Bravery and drive go hand-in-hand. Simply because there is never a guarantee that one will actually receive what they are going above and beyond to attain. Nonetheless, uncertainty should never halt the attempt. If trying doesn't exist neither does  achievement. Not trying to do something, in my opinion , is worse than failing at doing it. I say this because at least, if one doesn't  get what they want despite making the effort to, no one can say they didn't. Walking away can be dignified. If they make the choice to cower away from what they really want then they mustn't have wanted it as bad as they thought they did. In turn, reserving no rights to complain about the lack of, said desire. Either street one decides to take, there's a lesson hidden in the gravel somewhere. Finding and comprehending what it all means is where the real difficulty lies.

The Sky Is Blue.

Happy September!! I hope everyone had a great summer. I put my blog on hiatus these past few months to actually enjoy myself. Unfortunately, things didn't quite go  as planned but at least I got a few great things to write about out of it. I learned some new things this summer  and more importantly some of the notions I already  choose to live by were reaffirmed as well. I've always prided myself on keeping  my heart sort of hidden from a person until I felt that they'd earned it. I did and will continue to do that because people say things like "I love you" the way they say "the sky is blue." Some people of my generation and forward don't seem to grasp the fact that those words, especially when spoken romantically, including  the actions that follow, should not be for just anyone. Some people are so hellbent on getting a label out of a person. So beyond eager to claim and be claimed, to have a beloved "title"that it wouldn't even occur to them  that the title they are dying to get and/or give to a person does NOT match the story that is being played out between them. Which is why I barely believe in labels to begin with. A title does not a relationship make. The actions that follow, the love felt in the movements during the times that words aren't spoken. That is the essence of a relationship.  That's not to say I'm going to sit around bashing labels, it's clear that patriarchal western civilization is  really into them. But I feel like labels and any plans that come with them are not something to be given away on something immature.  Like a crush or someone who is merely a "good time." I also feel like just because a person doesn't believe in labels doesn't mean they don't deserve loyalty. Especially if said loyalty is being reciprocated. Loyalty is sticking to a commitment you made with one person not taking their love and using it as the fuel for one to give love to someone else, who didn't earn it. That is disrespectful, to say the least. For a while this summer I found myself wandering from my original standpoint on the insignificance of labels and trying to see things from the other side of the spectrum. But I realize now, if a person loves you and wants you the way you want them. That will be felt. If a person does not want you, no amount of commitment you give to them in whatever label you are under will change their mind. If someone wants YOU to be their main focus, you will be and nothing and noone in the world can change that.  People have to start coming to terms with the fact that you cannot force anyone to be loyal to you. No matter the excuses. NOONE can make anyone do what they dont want to do. It's a shame to because most people tend to destroy the hearts of those who are best for them, but that's neither here nor there. The most you can do going forward is to accept the person for what they are, love with caution and hopefully find someone who values and desires you as much as you value and desire them. Regardless of all else.