Zodiac Bullshit

Yesterday I had a conversation with an acquaintance of mine and the conversation was going well until they ask me when my birthday was. So I responded with a smile, and said May 28th. The response to that was "Oh,that's why you act like that."  So at this point I'm in my head thinking, what the hell are they talking about?  Then it hit me,  Geminis get such a bad rap. To be honest, I don't even know where it comes from.  Everytime I tell somebody I'm a Gemini they screw their face up like they smell something bad. I once had a girl tell me "oh no, we can't be friends because Geminis are two faced." First of all, the fact that a person could let a Zodiac  dictate who they can and cannot bother to get to know is an issue in itself. Which would mean I dodged a bullet because I wouldn't even want to hang out with a perosn like that anyway, off  of the strength of that alone. My question is, who said Geminis were two faced? Where did that notion even  begin? Seriously, because I don't know any other sign that gets dogged out the way Geminis do. I feel like people let their personal private experiences with an individual person affect how they feel about a whole group of people. That's just crazy to me. That's like me saying I hate ALL white people because ONE racist white lady called me a "mulatto spook." That doesn't even make sense. Geminis are as loving, as loyal and as kind as the rest of the zodiac. Apparently, we're hot tempered, two faced and disloyal. Okay, I know I have a temper. I can't speak for EVERY Gemini, but what I can say is  tempers usually come from very emotional creatures. I am very emotional, I cry so much and sometimes I don't even understand why. The only time my temper is really "out of control", is if I love someone and allow them to be apart of my life (friendship or otherwise) and they violate the sacredness of that.  I feel like that can apply to anyone, anywhere from any zodiac. No one likes to feel like they've been made a fool of, no one likes to feel like they trusted and loved the wrong person. No one wakes up in the morning and says "I'm looking forward to being hurt today", so I feel like that reaction is warranted. As far as the two faced thing, that also ties into emotional boundary, but a big part of that is perception and growth as well. If I allow someone to get to know me and I find out by watching and being perceptive that they roped me in under false pretenses, I'm going to treat them as such. There is no reason why a person should act one way when I'm looking at them and then as soon as they turn their back and think that I'm gone, act a different way. So now, because I saw that individual act a way that I didn't agree with when they didn't know I was watching them, I'm in turn, treating them how I see fit based off of what I saw when they thought I wasn't looking. That does not qualify as two faced, that is killer perception and adaptability. A quality that I happen to very much treasure. Regarding the disloyalty, that is just a bold faced lie. Like I said I can't speak for every Gemini, but I know for me personally, I'm loyal to a fault. If I had a history with you, and we've shared the struggle and we're connected in a deep unexplainable way, even when you hurt me I'm going to put that aside and be there for you. I say to a fault, because a lot of people don't even deserve that. My loyalty however, won't let me behave any other way. All this being said I don't know where the hatred for Geminis comes from, but I'm going to go on record and say that I think it's completely and utterly stupid. And it needs to stop. Form an opinion about someone based on their personality, their moral standing, even their conscious and intellectual capacity NEVER their zodiac sign. The mere thought of it is ridiculous. Stop.

Patriarchal Whittling

So initially, I was going to write about something completely different today but I saw something on Facebook that kind of inspired me in a new direction. There are a lot of those "what if your boyfriend or girlfriend did ( fill in the blank) how would you react/ would you accept it"  post going around. At first, I was thoroughly annoyed by them. Simply because people would always put some sort of sexist or misogynist situation  afront to get the general consensus of a woman being some sort of money hungry whore.  I realized  though they are like a gold mine for interesting conversation and opinions. This one I saw today in particular, really intrigued me, it read;
Your boyfriend proposes. He says he didn't have time to  save up and buy a diamond. Instead he makes you one out of wood and a cheap gemstone. Do you accept?

At first I was agitated at the mere insinuation that anybody I was with, man or woman didn't have time to cultivate the means for a life changing experience. I still don't quite understand what not "having time" for something like that means, but I'm going to chalk that up to flawed diction. Then I was a bit offended at the  implication that not accepting would make me some sort of gold digger. Seriously though, if you love a person enough to be proposing to them, that must mean you believe that you guys are both in it for the long haul. Which goes to say that you guys have all the time in the world, and if you know what type of ring she wants, waiting to propose and saving up to get that is not necessarily a bad thing. After those first mental reactions, my actual comment was something along the lines of pointing out that whittling takes an immense amount of effort. Depending on the density of the wood, it can take days to craft even the smallest thing. I went on to say that I know this first hand because I once had to whittle a ring out of wood to fit the finger of an American Girl Doll and it took me a little over a week. So, if a man took the effort to whittle a human sized ring custom to my finger size with a gemstone slot crafted in
meant for proposal, I would accept off the strength of dedication, creativity and overall patience alone. Many people enjoyed my answer. I received a lot of "this girl knows what she's talking about",  "this girl is in it for more than the money", "this is what I can respect about a woman." Backhanded Misogynist Compliments. Just because I explained why I COULD POSSIBLY accept a ring like that based on my personal experience with whittling out of wood does  not mean anyone should be penalized if they choose to not accept a ring like that for all the reasons that I mentioned prior, in all my mental responses. People really need to stop this patriarchal bullshit  because its getting old. Super fast. Stop trying to use every freaking social platform to promote that sexist crap. Get over yourself. If a woman doesn't want to accept a ring like that over the basis that the man who claims he LOVES HER ENOUGH TO WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH HER didn't "have time" to save for the ring he knows she wants, that does not make the woman a heartless bitch. In fact, one could argue it makes her wise for hesitating and questioning how much  her "man" actually loves her if he didn't feel the need to take the time to plan his proposal through. Me possibly accepting a ring off of my experience with whittling and my affinity for creativity, is MY choice and only mine. Nor does it make any female who doesn't and worse or better than me. Get it together people. Like now.

Pussy Pride!!

Yesterday I  watched Youtubers, Bria and Chrissy's "Gay Men Touch Vagina  For the First Time." video. Having previously watched their video of the polar opposite experience, I must say I was not disappointed. The video itself was funny, genuine and on my end enlightening. I found it interesting, that people responded in such an uproar to a woman sharing her vagina with men who would know nothing about it otherwise, but we're perfectly OK with a man sharing his penis with women who wouldn't know about it otherwise. It prompted me to think, well analyze. Penises are greeted with open arms when shown. Whereas, vaginas are faced with a sense of shame. Most phallic symbols, are standards for power and authority. While vaginas are depicted as fragile, soft or delicate. It also hit me, that aside from the way Western Civilization has always portrayed female and male genitalia, modern day women have a strong barrier between themselves and their bodies. Manifested, in the form of vaginal insecurity. A large percentage of the women apart of modern society ( myself included up until fairly recently) believe that their vagina is ugly, or that it doesn't look how it's "supposed to". My vaginal insecurity stemmed from young, when the woman that I idolized most in the world, aptly brought to my attention that my vagina was "weird" and looked "nothing like hers." Before that, moment I never really paid much attention to my vagina. I was probably all of seven at the time, and all I knew about it was that boys didn't have one and I used mine to pee. As time, (and hormones) went on my vaginal insecurity only grew. I can recall the first time I ever watched porn as a teen, seeing vaginas galore and mentally noting that mine didn't look like any of those either. My vaginal insecurity was one of the reasons why I struggled with being a bisexual at first. I can remember realizing I was attracted to girls as well as guys, and kind of feeling depressed because I thought Damn, not only do I have to worry about guys judging my vagina but what if I get a girlfriend and hers is prettier than mine? My vaginal insecurity affected the way I lost my virginity, as well as how I had sex for like two years afterward. It wasn't until after I became old enough to drink that realized I truly had nothing to be ashamed of. No two vaginas look like. Not even on identical twins. No one's vagina is "supposed to" look like anything. There is no guide to the perfect pussy. Every pussy on every woman is beautiful. Don't let any man or other woman tell you differently. It is so important to wholeheartedly love yourself. And I personally wish I'd had gotten to know my vagina more before I let someone else touch it. I would have had such a better understanding of myself. I would have been kinder and more loving and accepting of what I had otherwised deemed an atrocity and something that was "made incorrectly." It is perfectly normal to feel funny about your vagina at first, that's a part of growing up. But as you do so, it is imperative to get to know your vagina, be knowledgeable be aware of what your vagina looks like, how it smells, its level of self lubrication. Treat your pussy how you would treat the love of your life, because that's essentially what it is. If you don't make it your business to know how your vagina works, then you never know if something is physically and internally out of whack. And that is so important. Too many women, and young teens walk around with STI's, unaware because they never bothered to get to know their vagina. Seriously, do not be ashamed. Touch your pussy, feel all your folds, be able to differentiate your urethra from your vaginal opening. Feel the accordion-like walls. Get close to your clitoris. (It's quite lovely, trust me). Respect the little hood that keeps it safe. Take a picture, get a mirror do whatever you have to do so you can know itself better than any sexual partner you will ever have. Vaginas are beautiful, all of them. It's like one of the gay guys in Bria and Chrissy's  video said, "Vagina's are like personalities, every one is different." There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Think about it this way, if no woman is exactly the same as any other woman, why the hell should our pussies be?

The Pursuit.

I had a conversation with my best friend last night and it followed me into my dreams. We were talking about the Oscars Boycott and our humble opinions on the issue. We had come to realize that it was less about the Oscars, and more about people of our generation, and generations after us not having enough people to idolize intellectually. Don't get me wrong , the Oscars deserves to be boycotted. They've been deserving that for years. That however, is not why this conversation needs to be had. My best friend and I are noticing, in the world of entertainment today and in our own personal lives that everyone wants fame. Everyone wants to be known. Everyone wants to be talked about. But no one has anything of substance to say. No one wants to kind of notoriety that changes lives anymore. Especially, in our black community, because of technology anybody can get on the internet and do anything and blow up over night. In my opinion, that's a gift and a curse. No one works for anything, nothing really matters to anyone of my age anymore. Myself, and the people that I choose to stay surrounded by,  don't feel that way. We understand that life is meant to be lead with your heart and all your desires, if they were meant to be had, will follow. We understand how important it is to do something and say something that means something. We understand, that if we are doing what we love and we feel good inside, waking up and going to sleep full and warm, that is the success in itself. If we are making a difference in this world that means making a difference within ourselves.   It doesn't, nor will it ever matter if we get a paycheck behind it. Paychecks are wonderful and people knowing who you are is wonderful. But if money was obsolete, most people wouldn't even do what they do. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, if my 12 year old self saw me walking on the street would he or she recognize me? That question is important because when you're young all you have are good intentions. No money, your passions are your destiny, and are pursued without  malice and agenda. Not everyone can say that about the person that they are now. I've been writing my whole entire life, drawing, singing, reading as well as speaking actual substance. Everything I've ever done has been for the same purpose of the same platform. That purpose is, to be a good person, share my stories, share my life, so I can help other good people be even greater. Sure, I get money to do that NOW but that was always a part of my truth. To be completely honest if ever I didn't, I wouldn't mind one bit. Because when I was doing it at 13, and 14 and 15 and 16 and 17, talking to the kids in my neighborhood, sitting on the bench listening to their pain while thinking of a way to escape from my own, I wasn't getting paid. And I will never regret one day of it. I now understand, it was all part of my personal journey, to my heart crafted ideals of what greatness is. I can only hope using the platforms that I do, with the passion that I have, for an overall happier, more aware and conscious way of life I can continue to spread my version of what life really means. I am in the pursuit of cultivating, nurturing and further becoming black excellence, so that one day maybe boycotting Oscars won't have to be an option because the seats will be filled , no overflowing in abundance of black quality black potential and black success.

Too Strong, Too Long

It's crazy to me, the things that we humans put up with in the name of love. When you really love someone, weirdness tends to ensue. Man or Women, if the love is genuine we automatically backseat our own whims and desires to adhere to the needs of the ones we love. It happens so fast in fact, that most people dont even realize how bad they have it until they are bending or laxing on moral or everyday rules they once concretely lived by. Love has a way of making really concious and normally self-assured people into irrational insecure idiots. Why? I have no idea. The worst of it though, is any particular moment when one may feel like the love they give and show is going underappreciated. Nothing can make a person feel as shitty as loving someone who doesn't even grasp the full extent of the love they are given. It can also be overtly sucky when the person you love is giving attention to someone you feel in your heart doesn't deserve it. Or would even appreciate it as much as you would. But unfortunately, life  gets unfair like that sometimes. In those moments, it's more important to remember the love you have for YOURSELF above all else. You just have to pick yourself up, remind yourself that if you don't matter to anyone else in this world you matter to You. Use that unwavering knowledge to get through the emotional trainwreck that seems to follow when people love others a little too hard, a little too strong for a little too long.  Eventually, emotions and everything that comes with love will be easier to cope with.  Like every other muscle, your heart will withstand an abundance of pain. That being said, if you don't die in the process of living through it, you WILL inevitably heal. Give yourself that time, as slowly as needed.

Under The Flowerpot

These past couple of days have been a little on the hectic and painful side for me. Unfortunately, the medicine I'd been taking to heal properly after the mini surgeries that I had before the new year, was giving me some sort of internal allergic reaction. I didn't know, or really notice any significant changes in my body, until the regimen I was told to be under was basically over. So naturally, yesterday I went to a hospital closer to where I live where they confirmed my very weird but possible situation. Friday I had a  delusion worthy fever, crazy spasms, as well as a rash that begin underneath my skin and rose just below the surface.  Saturday the fever had dropped some but the rash had spread and the spasms were full throttle. By the time Sunday had arrived my fever was basically gone (Thanks Tylenol!) But the rash was unbearable along with the spasms. Actually, I was sleeping and literally convulsed myself awake. Asia thought I was having a seizure, but all I can remember was a lack of air and being very disoriented which prompted yesterday's trip. Dealing with that hospital was a disaster in itself. Gratefully though, I made it through the ordeal that is Mount Sinai Brooklyn. Which personally, looks like where people go to die, just really happy to not be one of them. Not that they didn't try. And almost succeed. Twice. So now, I'm on some prescription Benadryl and hopefully it works well enough to make me good as new again. At this point, I'll be happy if I never see another information bracelet with my name on it ever again. Well, ever again, is probably pushing it but the next six months hospital free would be amazing. If I keep knocking on Death's door like this, he's eventually gonna leave me a key under the flowerpot that's on top of the welcome mat. Frustrating.

Shrink'd

The lesson I learned today is no one's pain is greater or lesser than anyone elses.  I was having a conversation with my friend about therapy. We were in a debate about whether therapy helps or hurts the people who choose to pursue the option. My friend said and I quote
"I mean, I have issues, but I think therapy should be for people who really need it. My issues are not big enough for therapy"
To which I replied,
" What exactly do you mean by 'not big enough'?"
He expounded by stating
"Therapy is for people who go through severely life-altering things and need assistance recovering from the trauma."
  He stopped talking  so I asked him to  elaborate further, he went on to say,
"Sometimes, I feel like an orphan. Everyone in my immediate family has passed. Noone in my extended family checks on me, unless I hit them up first. But I wouldn't go to therapy about it, because I should be grateful to have any family at all. Some people dont."
So I said to him
" I appreciate the fact that you are grateful for what you have. I appreciate the fact that you recognize that things could always be worse. However, just because they are people out there who are indeed wards of the state because they have no next of kin, does not mean you don't have a right to be sad about losing part of your family. Anything that hurts, anything that's rough, anything that seems like it can be overwhelming at times is enough to go to therapy and talk about."
I could sense he was uncomfortable with what I said, so I threw him a bone and changed subject. Nonetheless, the conversation stayed with me all day. Enough to write about it, obviously. If a person doesn't want to go to therapy because that's not the way they choose to deal with their issues, that's perfectly fine. What's not fine is not going to therapy because you think whatever it  may be that is bringing you down in life is not worth discussing. Simply because there's a possibility that someone, somewhere has it worse than you. Not to say that the notion isn't plausible, but no amount of suffering that someone else does takes away from the pain you feel, individually. Never,ever be ashamed of that. It is our right as human beings to feel what we want to feel and grow from it as we see fit. Always.

OCDisaster.

Today's a bit of a rough day on the recovery front. I thought things were getting easier now that my incisions are healing well, and in some ways they are. I brushed my teeth, in all my left handed glory, for the first time since Christmas. I can open the bathroom door with minimal tightness. I can also lift my arm without crying out like a wounded animal. Progress. What I can't apparently do, is clean. Anyone who knows me knows it drives me crazy to have mess around me. Like really bonkers ape shit crazy. I have a touch of OCD. Most of the time I'm fine, because normally when things get my slightly neurotic version of "messy" in my house I can just clean everything up. However, with my left and most dominant arm on the mend I can't handle things as thoroughly as I would like to. Today, I attempted to do dishes. I literally cannot sit in my house and relax if I know dishes are in the sink. Trying to do them, I dropped one but it didn't shatter because my foot broke its fall. I also had a go at cleaning my tub, I have been fantasizing about a bath all week. Even though it had just been cleaned, I cannot take a bath in a tub that is not freshly cleaned. Even if its mine.  I couldn't take a bath before because I wasn't allowed to submerge my arm. Now that my packs are out, I wanted to at least give it a try, see if I could handle it. That proved to be too much, I took my arm too far and hit it on the side of the tub, before I could even start to scrub. Which naturally, resulted in agitation. So now, I'm feeling the repercussions, to say the least. Its just really frustrating because I'm home alone 99.9% of the time. I miss the confidence that comes with being able to do things myself, to my satisfaction, safely. I try to make it a general rule in my life to not spend the days thinking about all the things that are wrong with me. Most days, I succeed in that feat. It's disappointing that today was not one of them. The good thing is though, that I'll be able to try again tomorrow.

2016.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and a happy start to the new year. I spent most of my holiday, well practically all of it, trying to heal up from my mini surgery. I had a little bit  trouble sleeping last night. In an effort to exhaust myself, I started thinking about the whole "New Year, New Me" mantra. I have mixed feelings about it. Simply because, I believe that when humans are brought into this world, we arrive as everything we are going to be. The rest of life is spent cultivating and nurturing the personality and soul we came out with. Of course I can firmly say, that there are choices in life that can modify and alter the people that we are  over time.  Nonetheless, my overall consensus is that we were already who we were going to be when we got here. So, one can understand why  hearing "New Year, New Me", makes me thoroughly skeptical. That  mantra can only be put forth genuinely, if an individual was to modify oneself to be disciplined and stick to whatever they want to accomplish. No one changes solely because the year does, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Another reason I feel so funny about that mantra is due to the fact that one shouldn't wait on 12 a.m.  New Year's day to declare a seemingly meaningful change. A person should be  wanting to improve themselves, and make themselves into the best person they can be, consistently. 365 days of the year. Not only when the ball in Times Square drops, and the proverbial slate is wiped clean. If someone was jerk all of 2015 and then they say "New Year, New Me" my first thoughts are, I hope the hell so because the "old you" wasn't cutting it. I'm not saying all of this to make the people  who actually believe in that mantra feel bad. I'm sure everyone whose ever said it, actually had great intentions. However, it is the execution on  intentions that really matters. If a person is not ready to put their all into standing by that mantra, why even bother putting pressure on themselves in such a way? If one doesn't change and they said they were planning on it, then they are the metaphorical 'Boy Who Cried Wolf'. Someone  who declares change for the future constantly, but has yet follow through is worse however, because the day said individual decides to modify oneself, truly, those who love them will have already lost faith in the validity of their perseverance. So I suggest, saving the "New Year, New Me" hype and just work on becoming a better person every day, all day, slowly and surely.