No Accidents.

I am driven by my emotions. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think, and everything I write is emotionally deliberate. I don't believe there are any accidents, what is clothed as a coincidence initially, can turn out to be a vital part of an intricate plot in the grand scheme of things. The best thing about life, is that it allows the opportunity for  us mere mortals, to figure out as well as create and put together pieces of such plot. The thought of it is really poetic, in a painful kind of way. Purely off the basis that we're stuck with the burden of never really knowing who is in our lives to stunt and halt us or impact us and love us in such a profound way that the love lives on long after the body it was meant for expires. Due to, as well as in spite of everything that I'm forced to deal with on a daily basis, I've have had the pleasure of loving and getting to know some life-altering individuals. Some have passed on, and some are still here, yet the love is infinite and eternal. One person in particular, has held me emotionally captive since the day we met. Unknowingly, urging me to shed all comfort zones and get to know the woman I was, inside of the woman that everyone else sees. This person helped me maintain the grip on my pain, the way I am known to maintain the grip on my words. If there was a girl inside me, craving to be craved, itching to be desired and wanted and seen, I ignored her. Until this person tapped into her, despite the many facets she was hidden behind. It's not to say that others didn't or don't  care about me, it's not to say that people don't love me now. I have many loves. In many ways, for many reasons. But this particular love, felt and still feels so crucial to what is necessary for my functionality right now. Completely overwhelming, so easy to get lost in, so tempting to ignore reality for and so vividly effecting to my emotional programming. If it seems like a lot that's because it is, almost too much. Even writing about it feels taboo, as if the moment the love realizes that it is being expressed it is bound to escape me. So I keep it quiet most days , hidden inside of little things that are seen to be considerate little gestures , quiet little compliments and minor almost unnoticeable obedience. Simply because once said out loud from a  mouth such as mine , a feeling, a desire, a  love that consuming, is doomed to be doubted.

Candles for Camille ♡

April 8, 2016, otherwise known as today, is one of my oldest, dearest and best friend's birthday. She's been deceased for five years now. She was one of the people I happily chose as family, and every day I'm so grateful that she chose me back. People always say that with time, things like grief and loss get easier to cope with. But the overwhelming sadness I feel today, writing this, shows the blantant inaccuracy of that statement. I've come to notice something about grief and pain, it never really dissapates. The truth of the matter is, when people lose someone they love, for a long while that is all they are aware of. The heavy weight of the loss. What we don't seem to register in those heartbreaking moments is that even though our loved one is gone, we are not. We are still very much alive and have to continue on, living life, without them. To me that is the meanest part of grief. Not simply, knowing that they are gone, but knowing that after the dust  clears and everyone says their final goodbye, we left behind have to relearn how to exist. In a world they are no longer apart of. That is what truly makes the tears well up in my eyes. Now in my short time on this earth so far, I have had to relearn how to exist many, many times. To the point, where it seems sometimes, that the only thing consistent in my life, besides the family I chose to create for myself is the death of it's members. What's so significant about this particular loss is, after the one thousand eight hundred and twenty-five days I've been forced to live without her I am STILL learning exactly how to exist again. I miss her so much that I almost get angry at her for leaving me as early in life as she did. I loved my friend, my sister. Still do. Always will. My only solace is our memories and knowing, without a doubt, that she loved me too.  She would've been 24 today. Even so, through my pain, I will celebrate her life as if she were sitting right next to me. Like I have every year since we've parted ways. Rest in Power, Beauty and Happy Birthday!

Handle.

Control is such a hot commodity these days because nobody wants to be caught feeling unstable. What people fail to realize is the only real stability you ever get in life, is the lack of it. It's impossible to control everything all the time. Noone can control the weather, only their intuition to pack an umbrella  and wear a light coat in case it rains. Life and death are also untamable. All that can be done is to make everyday count, and when there is a loss, grieve and honor their memory respectfully. One may not be able to predict and therefore avoid all the adversities that life can conjure, but it is best to keep in mind that the way we respond to these obstacles, are indeed, part of the free will concept. We are in charge with how we cope. Life is full of action, and it's up to us as humans to assess the situation and determine the most productive reaction. Honestly, that's the most surefire way to plant  feet on the ground when a person begins feeling like they're about to fall over. Majority of the time when people are assessing a situation, naturally they give two responses. The first response, is based purely on the emotional reception of the event at hand. The second response comes in after an individual has taken a second to breathe and rationalize what has played out in front of them. Meaning that, if one were to get insulted or perhaps get their heart broken, they may be feeling so inconsolable that their first inclination is to set their tainted paramour's things on fire. Obviously speaking, that is very dangerous as well as illegal. Though it may feel fantastic as a short-term goal, arson is not the answer. Which is where the second response would come into play. After a few deep breaths, and tears being wiped away , it is finally decided that instead of burning everything to the ground,  simply packing up prized possessions and leaving the terrible person and the ruins of the "relationship" behind will suffice. It goes without saying, the latter choice is way more reasonable albeit less satisfying. Still, it keeps an individual from the possibility of jail time. Seems like a win to me. At the end of each and every day, even if you can't control what comes your way you have full command on how it is to be handled. Don't neglect that or take it for granted.

Blind.

Last night, I had a very interesting dream that made me a little bit nostalgic and also reminded me of my passions for knowledge. I realized that I should write about it now because the longer I let the day go by the further away from my dream I actually get. Basically, I was in my old AP English class (one of my favorites by the way) but the class seemed a little distracted. Honestly that was a bit out of the ordinary for us, because all the classes to be rowdy in, AP English wasn't one of them. Considering the extensive workload, we actually had a huge amount of fun there. My English teacher, whose name I will not reveal, had several funny and interesting ways to get us back on course whenever we kind of swayed in a weird direction. This particular time though, was more out-of-the-box than usual. I'm assuming it's because  dreams have creative license. In my dream, she went on to tell us a story about some person who was a savior to their town. That savior was blind, and despite his or her disability he or she went around town trying to educate others, cleaning the dirty and feeding the poor. She stopped in the middle of her weird story, smiled at us, and asked
"Which one of you hooligans wants to play the savior?"
Naturally , I raised my hand. That's who I was in high school , always eager and ready. I mentally prepared myself to make some sort of speech or declaration but instead, I was met with a heavy brush and a face full of white paint. At this point I was confused and even a little frightened. My teacher went on to say
"You can't see right now and you can't open your eyes, if you do you will get white paint in them. For all intents and purposes, you are now blind."
I sat there, mentally kicking myself for volunteering. My internal Beatdown was interrupted by my teacher saying
"You guys, If the Savior was here today , listening to you carry on about everything EXCEPT what we are supposed to be discussing , do you think he or she would be grateful for the gift of sight in this moment?"
Instantly, there was a jumble of shouting. With all the opinions unanimous that the Savior would indeed, be grateful for his or her long overdue gift of sight. Over the noise, my teacher's voice rose as she questioned me
"What about you Savior? Do you want your sight now?"
After a pregnant pause, I responded,
" Having my sight now , would be a terrible waste. If no one is making the conscious choice to fill and expand their mind with things they would have never known otherwise, therefore, choosing to hinder mental growth and societal progress, then there is nothing worth seeing. I'd rather be blind."
Shortly after hearing my answer on the matter, my fellow classmates decide to table their gossip and jokes for later, buckle down and get to work. That was the moment I woke up. I share this dream today, because even though it sort of creeped me out, it also made me smile. It reminded me, of my orating nature. It also showed me that with the right drive, society will eventually get to where it needs to be. We as a people just have to care enough.

Pats On The Back

I haven't written in a while because I've been completely blocked. Not to mention I've been dealing with real life. Unfortunately, both of these things tend to be hectic resulting in the halt to my creative progress. Today though, I'm taking the time out to acknowledge how far I've come physically as well as emotionally. I've realized that once a person takes an active interest in what goes on with their body on the outside, things on the inside just start to follow suit. As of late, I've been working really hard to lose weight. It's not that I think I'm gross or anything like that , it's more so based on the differentiation of vision. When I look at my own reflection sometimes I see what should be there and not what is. When It hit me that what I see is not my reality, I knew that how I feel about myself and what is reflected to the world should be one in the same. Thus beginning my weight-loss journey. In all honesty, I just want to be my version of healthy. I'm okay with never being a size six, I'm okay with cellulite, I'm okay with love handles, I'm okay with stretch marks. What I'm not okay with is being exhausted after walking a block. What I'm not okay with is having to fake a  yawn to cover up the fact that I can't breathe. Yes, my body is not built like the average person, simply by Birthright. But I know now that I don't have to exercise how everyone else exercises. I have to do my version of exercise, my way,  sothat it is comfortable and safe for me. That is what I've been doing since I've made my mind up to actually take my body seriously and I've lost 15 to 25 pounds so far. It feels good to know that the me I recognize and the me that other people see, are now the same person. I'm not always the nicest, I'm very emotional and complicated but overall,my spirit, my soul, my essence is strong powerful and very kind. My outer beauty can only compliment that. I'm really proud of myself for finally taking the steps in the right direction. I have a long way to go and considering I'm constantly under the weather, I know that it's not going to be a cakewalk, but as long as I'm here, I'm ready.