Education.

Hey guys. I've been gone for so long due to "technical difficulties" but I'm back and here to stay. In the long time that I was gone I discovered alot of things about myself and others. I learned that relationships are hard work and not everyone and everything are what they seem at first glance. I learned that when you have an empathetic heart hurting someone you love is like poisoning yourself. I also learned that the heart is a very vulnerable muscle capable of feeling for more than one being, therefore stretching itself very thin. I've come to know that the idea of death and expiration is very foreign to most until it hits close to home. And then the mourning,  the depth of the loss is tremendous.  Practically unbearable.  I learned that when things are left unresolved and or unsaid you become less of a person and more of an open wound. And that time healing all wounds is a fallacy for those who aren't quite sure how to let themselves be healed. I learned just how difficult being a young woman in this day and age can be. Especially one with all the adversity I have to carry daily. Fortunately, I learned early that feeling sorry for yourself only makes things harder. I learned that living in itself is a series of choices not all of them easy and not all of them smart. But hey it's a red pill, blue pill kind of life now isn't it?

Special shout out to the "protectors of America" who taught me that Freedom of Speech is a myth when powerful people fear what you have to say. Thanks alot fellas.

Think Pink

Hey loves. Its the first of October which means it the beginning of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  It is so important  that the word gets spread because even though I'm so young unfortunately a lump was found in me and I had to get it surgically removed but not before I went through an immense amount of stress and pain. It wasn't only hard on me but my loved ones as well. I experienced leakage and swelling like no other before the removal.  I couldn't even attend some of my college courses for the fear of a random dripisode. My friends and family  had to sacrifice their time and energy to make sure I got to doctors appointments  on time and stayed to support me every time I ended up in a hospital bed. Now I'm on constant "boobie watch" every three to six months I get my daily check ups. Shout out to Dr. Angela Love my primary physician who takes care of all my needs(and I have plenty lol) and who reffered me to Dr. Alyssa Galeigl, the surgeon that removed my mass and continues to give me check ups Shouts to my Pookiebear Asia for just staying positive even when she was crumbling loving me when I was pale and gross, Regardless of what we are or go through my love for you will never fade and kisses to ALL my in-laws. Shouts to my Non-biological MamaBear Akela Tucker for being available when my dam would break in a way that only she can.. I love you with my whole heart. Shouts to my sisters, Toni love you sugga dumpling, Jua love you soooo much Dad, Jay my beautiful Dread for calling me everyday of that rough time(like a stalker lol) love you. Shouts to my Biological,  as dysfunctional as we are, on the day of my surgery you didn't let me down. That was a bigger blessing than I can ever express. Last but certainly not least SUPER DUPER EXTRA SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO MY BEST FRIEND, CHAUFFEUR, THERAPIST, SHOULDER TO LEAN ON, FOOD AND SNACK PROVIDER, PERSONAL HAIRSTYLIST AND MAKEUP ARTIST CHANTEL KIYA WATTS (Whose birthday is this month on the 20th and I cant wait to celebrate her life because she constantly celebrates mine even when it isn't my birthday.) I love you you are my sister always and forever.  But seriously ladies; be mindful.  Feel your boobies, don't hide any pain ever. Express yourself. Get Checked. And regardless of any result YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

M.I.L.A.

Man I tell you, all it takes is one verse, one beat drop to change a person's life. It's amazing to me that there is a song for every life situation. No matter what issue may arise everyone can find a song that is kindred to their spirit. I also know that  not only is music fantastic to relate to but it can actually turn your entire mood upside-down. If I'm having a rough day and a jam comes on, I'm so busy dancing that by the time it's over, it takes a minute it even remember why I was in distress in the first place. I literally listen to music every single day without fail. In all honesty it keeps me level-headed especially when chaos ensues, which is unfortunately often. Music provides a specific type of healing that you just cannot acquire in other ways. Music Is Life, Always. Music does not deceive nor mislead. Music, although possibly egregious within it's diction, is never necessarily harmful in intention. That is more than I can say for many of the individuals I have come across in my short lifetime. People tend to judge, joke callously and break hearts they don't even know that they have in their pocket. People tend to lie and steal and have the audacity to blame you for having the money available in your wallet. People tend to be senseless. Music is honest. Music is precise. Music is there for you even after the person you love most in the world has closed their eyes to go to sleep. The most powerful thing about it in my humble opinion, is that it does not die. People have ambiguous expiration dates but music is forever. And thank God for that. It does not get any more profound than the emotion that a really beautiful song provokes.

Obeisance

I  aspire to so much. I know that's an interesting way to start off a blog but I was just thinking about so many  advocates before me and quite frankly I  just want to take a moment to say I'm so blessed to  be apart of the movement. I am prideful that I have such a hard act to follow. Strong, humble hardworking people who have sacrificed just about everything is order to say something everyone else was afraid or too ignorant to acknowledge. People like Ida B. Wells who was one of the first   female African American muckrackers (journalist) I'm sure it's implied she was a feminist of her time and all the more fantastic in light of that. Or others like W.E. B. Du Bois and Medgar Evers, One who started the NAACP and and another who was a prominent member of the civil rights movement. I can only hope that  I can  impact others the way they impacted the people of their time. I'm not saying I want to DELIBERATELY be a martyr for the cause but because there are still such grave injustices out there if I bring them to attention and then happen to go with God in the process then I'm okay with that. Because if you're not willing to die for what matters to you then what's the point of living anyway. Unfortunately, suffering is everywhere but it is up to us and when I say "us" I mean those who are just about sick of being silent, Black,White, Hindu, Asian Sikh Everybody. it is up to us to decide whats worth suffering for and what steps we can take to minimize destruction all together.

Clones

The more you try not to be like your parent(s) the more you find yourself becoming them. It's a sad conundrum but inevitably the circle of life. I mean, that's not to say if your parents went to jail you're gonna go too, or if they do drugs you're gonna do drugs too. No. Absolutely not. For one those are preventable circumstances for any individual no matter how shitty or un-shitty (that's probably not a word so I'm gonna coin it now) your upbringing is or was. However, I'm slowly realizing it matters in the nuances of one's personality. I used to hate it when my mother glared at me while  I ate, as if to scold me mentally because she didn't like the way that I  would chew. Mind you I never smacked my lips because that would get you smacked...right in the mouth, but she always would catch me when I was eating the crunchiest things like a pickle or Doritos. What she didn't get was if something was crunchy enough and a person is close enough you're going to hear them munch whether their mouth is open or not. There's a name for hating the way someone eats it's called: Misophonia. Now I just want to make it clear that even though I can identify the fact that this is an actual thing it doesn't stop me from going completely ape shit when someone is chewing in a way I obviously can't tolerate. And it's such a petty thing that I find myself thinking "why are you going off on this poor soul? You hated it when she did it to you. Cut it out." Clearly, "cutting it out" is easier said than done. And it doesn't only apply to anger either in fact the one summer I spent away from my immediate relatives the cousins that i reconnected with insisted on calling me a mini version of my mother that whole summer. Why? Because of my laughter. When my mother was in an exceptional mood and something was especially funny, she would unleash this visceral almost mean sounding laugh and  as luck would have it when I'm REALLY cracking up my laugh is identical to hers. What makes it even more substantial is that I only ever heard that particular laugh on one other individual ever in my life and that is from my maternal grandmother. What are the odds right? Very likely actually. There are going to be people reading this thinking well my parents are the greatest thing since sliced bread and I would be honored to be like them. And to that I say fan-freaking-tastic I'm happy for all involved. If you have a good influence in your life follow suit, uphold it well and then proceed to surpass it's greatness. But if not, don't fret. All you can do is take the mistakes your parents made and treat them just as they are. Learn from them and do your damnedest to prevent that type of history from repeating itself. So be mindful, noone wants to be see as the carbon copy of someone else. Uniqueness is where it's at, everyday, all day.

Explosive

Once again, I've allowed my passion;blabbing away to my hearts content about whatever floats my boat, to be benched by the chaos that is my life at times. I honestly believe that my head would roll off my shoulders if it wasn't attached to my neck and my heart would follow suit sauntering  naively  away if it wasn't compassionately held back  by my rib cage.The good new is that because I've been on this little mental vacation the flood gates have opened and I'm oozing thoughts. So many in fact that I might do some of what I like to call bomb writing or rather "bomb blogging". Bomb blogging and yes the terminology is MINE but the idea itself belongs to every writer ever in existence. It's when you have so many ideas that you cant afford to write down because they won't have the same organic visceral effect as the whole 'from the heart out of the finger tips' feel, so instead of running  myself ragged trying to remember every sacred little detail of what I'd like to express. I just take each idea I had stored in my mind during whatever disaster of epic proportion kept me away, and blog about them one by one I'm  until  I'm typed out. Or until there is nothing left but the carnage of unwritten word. It's quite miraculous actually, I've only bomb wrote once before and it was in a private journal not  in anywhere public so the world can read it. Regardless,the technique is more than a bit of wordy fun, it truly works. As of late, I've been using my phone to blog, for the simple fact that it is exceptionally handy and easy to use when you're on the go (which I normally am) but for some reason there is something very soothing about the click clack of a keyboard. There's something to be said for the strong-minded individual who takes the  deliberate time out to sit at his or her laptop and type so evenhandedly. Well anyway, I'm sure that' what ever happens from now will be a wonderful experience. We'll have to wait and see.

First Day Remix

Oh my goodness!! I feel so old today. My brother and sister Kev and Coco have their  first day back to school today.  But this year is more special than usual because Kev started his VERY FIRST year of high school and Coco started her Senior year. Now they both go to different schools (Kev to my old highschool and Coco to Asia's) but these moments for them are monumental whether they realize it or not. I don't know,  maybe it's just me but when I started high school I was excited and scared as hell. New people not knowing what was cool and what wasn't it was stressful business.(I was also lowkey annoyed because my older brother had graduated from that school just a couple months prior to me starting) So for a while there I was just Leon's little sister.  -_______- Butttt anywayyy if that was difficult for me back then I can only imagine the pressures children have to face in THIS day and age. Back then our biggest worry was making more than two friends in our advisory (DFL in my case.) Now it's how to avoid the people who smoke the most weed, so you don't feel like you have to just by association.  Or learning how to clown the worst dressed boy in the room in hopes that they wont notice your Jordan's are in last year's selfies. It's too much for me personally and I wouldn't even know where to begin. And it only gets worse the higher up in age you are. Seriously, and I'm not exaggerating here, by the time I was a senior my one and only concern was not completely flunking any classes. Ooh man, my Senioritis was sooo bad it was all I could do to even make it to school. Now most seniors are worried  about what outfit their NEWBORN BABIES are going to wear to their graduation.  As you can see I'm obviously out of my league here.  Good thing all my loved ones got a brain in their heads because times have definitely changed.

Passersbys

Normally when someone asks a person how they are the natural response is "I'm fine." But I've come to realize that people don't necessarily want to know if everything is everything or not. People actually waiting to HEAR the answer to the question they ask is a rare find.  In fact,  most do it simply because it is apart of common niceties nothing more nothing less. I honestly believe it is a pretty big deal to ask and listen to the responses of the questions you ask people while on the go. Quite frankly you don't know if you can change someone's view of themselves or the world just by taking five minutes to hear what is on their mind and in their heart. A kind stranger on the bus took the time out to listen to my struggles in their early stages(when I lacked more direction than normal) and it took a load off of my spirit. No one understands that even if it's fleeting showing compassion can help in a life time of woes. I also happen to know it doesn't only help the Asked but the Asker as well. Nothing is more humbling than the realization that even though things in ones' life seem pretty bleak at that particular moment, things could always be worse. Essentially it's really all about perspective.  So be mindful, you never know what's going on with an individual when you're standing at the bus stop or shopping in the grocery store.  It's okay to step out of character and just ask. There's no way to tell,  some  people are just aching for someone,  anyone to reach out. And if you're truly heartfelt,  you may just save a life.

Born Again.

Sometimes all it takes is a little love and reassurance from the right people in your life to make you feel like a brand new person. As we all know by now when i take my mini hiatuses it usually means I've hit some sort of stand-still. And I know i don't talk about her often(only cause she's my business and no-one elses) but you must give credit where credit is due. My lady Asia she's my rock. Nothing is perfect but this woman has seen me at my absolute worse and still chose to stay by my side. She is the light of my life and always finds the sunshine in the middle of my rain. And Babe when you read this know Im grateful.💕💕💕 But anyway the point to all this sappiness is that everyone deserves to have that person to make them feel shiny and new again. Life is complicated enough. Why try and cope with it all alone? Its not always easy to get back up and start over after the costant exhaustion of being knocked down. Having someone there hold out a hand in case one trips is a Godsend. Life is easier to live with someone to live it with.

The Shakespearean Version Of Alive

Sometimes things just  get to heavy to bear. You can go through your day or week or month feeling absolutely fine. And it only takes that one moment of quiet reflection to realize things aren't as great at they seem to be at first glance. From the outside looking in it may seem like you have it all together. But after quiet deliberation, a light goes off and somewhere deep inside of you and the levy breaks. Suddenly you're not as pretty. Or as thin. Your relationships are more strained and all the more distant. You smile way less and eat way more. Then you cry because you eat. Then you eat because you cry. And the one you thought would always be there is open with everyone but the one they need to be open with. You. That's the assumption. But everything is open because the ideal of what romance used to mean is now closed. The  door seems to be slowly shutting on what a real relationship entails. Because somehow down the road less traveled, that door you left unattended, let the hornets fly in. And now your whole world seems fleeting non-committal disingenuous and highly unattached. All you really wanna do is prove to world that you're living in that you're still here. But as life would have it, words fail you. Of course, because it's the only thing that seems familiar to you these days. And at the end of a rope that long it all becomes one big self-infliction. What's even worse is that it hurts. Like bleach covered hell. But because the human body is merciful when adrenaline is pumping, you feel nothing. Quite frankly, I don't know which thing is worse. The billion dollar question is: What's to be done when it comes to this point? Well, Romeo&Juliet swallowed the pestilence of life. Hamlet remained tortured and Othello's fury left Desdemona absolutely stiff. No pun intended. I guess one can bid adieu the old fashioned way, OR  sit and enjoy the luxury of breathing, while praying that they have  yet another chance at attempting a brighter smile on brighter day. Decisions, Decisions.

"Your Move, Chief"

Yesterday we lost one of the greatest actors, personalities and overall shinning stars, the irreplaceable, unforgettable Robin Williams. Me being so young, I've literally spent my entire life captivated by his art. From his whimsical ever-changing voice dynamics as our beloved Genie via Aladdin. Or his ability to immerse himself completely in a role, even wearing pantyhose to do so via Mrs.Doubtfire
His talent knew no bounds. Mr. Williams even had the range to make us love him when we weren't supposed to, taking a step to the dark side as the villainous and family obsessed Seymour Parrish via One Hour Photo.  And those are just to name a few. Everything he was apart of sparkled and shined like the fairy dust he used to fly as Peter Pan in Hook. In my opinion though his most impactful film was Good Will Hunting in which he played a tender but no nonsense therapist, by the name of  Sean Maguire. This role really made me in awe of him not only because of the fantastic acting but because  of the "bench scene" in which Robin's character sort of takes Matt's down a notch. Essentially expressing man's everyday adversities blatantly stating that Matt or Will rather wouldn't ever understand what real struggle entails. That's powerful. And at the end of  speech, daring him to step out of himself he says "Your Move Chief." Closing out one of the greatest scenes in movie history. With the lost of Robin Williams, comes the loss of a happiness and laughter that will be deeply missed worldwide.

The Biggest Gang In America

So can someone please PLEASE  tell me how many of our people, of our families must suffer at the hands of bigoted hate-filled power drunk police officers? And it's not just the NYPD either. Oh no, police departments all over are becoming hip to the trend of "justifiable homicide." Minorities are in danger. More than ever. And please do not misunderstand or misconstrue, when I say minorities I don't only mean African Americans. Although we seem to get  executed twice a day every day of the fucking week. But when I say minorities I mean African Americans, Latinos, Hindus, Asians, Sikhs and  anyone who doesn't fit in the W.A.S.P. category. I am distraught and upset no that's an understatement I am pissed the hell off to the very core of my being. Enough is enough. Eric Gardner's body has not even start to rot  yet and still Just YESTERDAY we lost another unsuspecting youth. Not much earlier I posted this to my Facebook page:

"Yusef Hawkins
Rodney King
Amadou Diallo
Sean Bell
Trayvon Martin
Eric Garner

Michael Brown...

This is Sick. And it's getting sicker.  18 years old. Just Graduated High School &
He was ONE WEEK away from starting his FIRST semester in college. Noticeably unarmed Openly murdered."

And i just want to note we've  lost WAAAAY more people by the hand of 'the boys with the badge' than mentioned  on my mini list. How much longer are we going to put up with this. We need to take a stand. Why isn't anyone understanding that we are no longer helpless slaves but rather slave minded.  We  continue to let these sorry excuses for human life forms we call cops abuse the very power they are supposed to use  to PROTECT us. It's sickening and breaks my heart. And it only gets worse because when our "Protectors and Servers" aren't murdering our men they are beating up choking and trying to charge our women and elderly with any "offense" they can pull out of their self righteous asses. Come on people, we have to BE AWARE. And make a change. If not the daily devastation will not only increase but elevate into unfathomable circumstances that can't even be imagined. I don't know about the rest of you guys but I am sick and tired of seeing RIP everytime I open social media. More people are dying than living these days. And quite frankly, that is a ratio I refuse to accept. So unless you're ready to customize your own burial plot. Get mad and then GET UP. Before even that right is ripped from underneath you.

Bound To

I'm slowly learning that real love goes through real changes. In the beginning there's the honeymoon phase where everything the other person does is absolutely wonderful and you can't seem to spend a minute without them. And the thought of doing exactly that brings on anxiety coupled with a mini conniption. Time goes on and you eventually remove the love goggles and start to see actual flaws. It is then you have to decide whether you can handle what is being presented in front of you. From my experience it is a HUGE mistake to try and mold what's in front of you into some unrealistic figment you believe it should be. What is there was there BEFORE you got there and will be ever standing LONG after you leave.  Soon enough however, even more time goes by and you've settled into the groove  that is a seasoned relationship. The courtesy of remaining 'primped and proper' has vanished replaced by sweatpants tube socks and oversized t-shirts. It's refreshing though, because all that's left is honesty and comfort. Those are two things that should NEVER fade aside from the love(that goes without saying). I've also come to realize that it's detrimental to keep things fresh, play games. Put new twist and spins on you're relationship to bring you and your significant other closer together. It's really all about revitalization. And I guess if you do find yourself stuck in a relationship rut of sorts, take a step back and broaden your horizons. Yet and still, remain upfront with your loved one. That way you can fully affirm that where you are and who your with now is exactly where you want to be. Simply put if the  relationship means anything at all, or just about anything worthy of interest for that matter, you must do the work to keep it strong and happy. Understand that it is sooo easy to fall in love, keeping the love is where the adversity lies.

Junkie

Hey you guys I've been so preoccupied with the soap opera that is my life, I've fallen back into my semi ignorant pattern of half way neglect. Forgive me. This summer has been so topsy turvy and with August in full swing it seems like it just  dragged out and flew by all in the same instance. Anyways I'm having one of those one track mind type of days. Where I can't  seem to stop thinking about something even though I rather not be thinking at all. So naturally I'm going to blog about it to get it out of my system. Oddly enough it ties into one of my blogs from a while back "Id the Dominant." Unfortunately the basic morale of that blog keeps popping up for me this summer. Less on the matter of conscious or subconscious control and more on self control period. Knowing when you have too much or not enough of it. When obeying the Id and being carnal becomes all consuming, and suddenly it registers that  you most likely should back away and reassess  your actions. Of course at that point whatever the indulgence is feels too good and you can't pull away. There's a word for that isn't it? Yes. It's called Addiction. The definition for the word itself is as follows:
 the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. That's some deep shit. Simply because in a nutshell one would be the  sole creator of his/her own misery. Because we all know constantly being pulled in to a place that feels so damn good that just the thought of being without it literally destroys you is purgatory to say the least. But of course I know their are many individuals out there who are smartasses like me and question any and everything.  I'm 99.9% sure one of your inquisitive little minds is reading this like "well how do you even know if you're addicted to something?" Well I'm no expert but I can honestly say if one has to question whether they have a chronic lack of self control there's an obvious issue present. Even so, it's all easier said that done because clearly no matter what it may be said addiction feels impossible to quell. No one wants to lose the rush of receiving something they crave so detrimentally even when they know damn well they shouldn't be craving it. How would one even go about weaning themselves off of something that seems to have a death grip on their very being? Just the thought of that extra special something gets your breathing labored, skin boiling and turns your mind to mush. The wanting, sometimes so overbearingly intense you find yourselves not even able to properly function until you get your fix. As difficult as all of that may be that's is hardly the most prominent adversity to conquer.  It's not about identifying or not being able to  hold one's addiction at bay, it's about the possibility of one not wanting to rid themselves of the addiction so hastily. What if you don't want it to end, whether it needs  to or  otherwise. The road is bumpy, and the line is thin, but the choice is yours and yours alone.

Delicate

My Ultra sensitivity is a gift and a curse. My empathy and compassion are otherworldly.  I love ferociously and I have been told that my laugh is contagious. However, when I feel slighted, oh boy when I feel slighted. It takes forever for the wounds to heal and any little infraction can reopen them and pour the salt in. I don't know why I'm this way, I can most likely blame my nutcase biologicals, but as I older I only seem to get a little more psycho so I guess I can only blame them 99.9%. I'm already comfortable with not being the perfect person because no one is but I don't like being taken for granted. Don't become so used to my unwavering loyalty and then decide because you believe I'll always be around to completely forget the kind of person that I am. That's not fair to anyone who has stood by a friend rain or shine just for them to act as if they barely exist anymore. I don't know, I honestly feel like nothing should hinder or jilt a friendship that is true. Especially if it's long standing and NEVER for a significant other. The only way that situation could even be properly accepted is if one has known their significant other longer than said friend. And even with that comes a certain set of boundaries. But if the latter situation does not apply and one is treating a friendship as if it does, that is blatantlying dead wrong. I do understand that the whole ordeal is a very sticky thing to be apart of because naturally  any half decent person wants to please everybody  involved knowing that the feat is virtually impossible. That being said, try making the person whose going to be there whether the significant other last or not happy. Because it sucks when things don't work out and you need a friend, only to realize you let them fade away long ago. From there it's a sad road because one is a lonely number. All in all I guess my point is; be careful and be grateful.

King

As you can obviously tell I've been a little absentee this week, I've injured my leg and I was suffering from a bit of writer's block. But today I'm inspired, its my little brothers birthday. He is seven today. My little brother or Maj as I call him affectionately, has autism. He doesn't communicate verbally as well as he should and society most likely won't  ever see him as a "normal"child. But to me, my little brother nothing less then a blessing. Maj is so smart, such a happy and vibrant young soul. He's  taught me what it really means to love someone unconditionally, no matter what their vices may be . Now granted, I know what it's like to be different, I have some abnormalities of my own.  But to see the joy in his eyes despite whatever issues may arise makes me feel like finding good is possible in anything. Now I'm not saying I'm happy that he's autistic, I would love to one day have a full blown conversation with my little brother and figure out what runs through his mind and what makes him smile. However, I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. Considering the bitter truth that my mother is better at being single minded than being an actual parent, the mental to delay that is his autism in my humble opinion, is a kind shield from her pestilence. He will never know the pain of a mother loving herself more than her child. He won't know enough to be heartbroken or disappointed. As sad as his autism makes me on occasion, it warms my heart to know that he will always be protected in the comfort of his whimsical innocence. And over all else I will be there for him as much as possible, I am unbelievably proud to be his  big sister.

The Motive

Everybody works. Kids step out to learn elementary, middle school, high school and college for the overall goal of being successful.  That's a very honest and noble goal. But to be frank, I'm starting to realize the people equate being successful with the amount of money that they make. Now granted, everyone wants to be comfortable enough to not have to worry about bills and what they're going to do for the next month or groceries and things like that. However, money should not be the most important thing in the world to a person. Money makes things easier I agree, but say you make all that money and are the most successful person out there are you have no one to share it with. makes all the hard work and everything you've achieved pointless at the end of the day. You can't cuddle up with your dollar bills. I guess the point I'm trying to make is there are things in life that are more important than money or the act of making it for that matter. Your love ones your health, your overall well-being should be more important than any of you could ever make. If you don't have anyone by your side when you're making all this money, then what exactly are you making it for? And if you do have someone special in your life, it's important to treat them as if they are. To let them know that no amount of money, can replace the joy and the significance they bring into your life.  that should be one of the most detrimental things on one's mind when they are out tune with the need to do to be a better person. For every successful person there is another person constantly cheering them on and not allowing them to give up. It's important to realize that, because really wants to go unnoticed, and no one wants to feel uncared for.

Work Of Art?

Hi you guys, I  hope you had a wonderful 4th of July. Even though this weather was not cooperating at all, I hope you still made the best of it. It has come to my attention that people are getting really outta line with this whole 'sexy felon' thing. First of all, in MY opinion, he's really not all that. In fact, his best feature are his eyes. People are acting like he is the best thing since Michaelangelo's 'David'. Even if he is handsome, the extent to which people are taking this is C O M P L E T E L Y inappropriate. Aside from the fact this whole situation is highly unethical, no-one should be able to skate by unpunished for doing things that they damn well  is illegal. This gets under my skin so deeply that just recently I posted this to FB:

"Boyyyyyyyyyy, ya'll have absolutely NO CHILL. It was all "good" when the handsome criminal "only" had a gun charge  and ya was drooling, but now ya'll find out he got a rape of a minor charge attached and ya'll gonna say "He can rape me any time" "Just cause he did something bad, doesn't take away his sexiness". "He can be my cellmate". So as long as a person has some looks they can commit whatever crime they want and ya'll will just smile? What in the flying fuck? This is what it's come to? This is not only OUTTA LINE but also IGNORANT AS SHIT. I'm sure it wasn't a fun experience for whoever's daughter he destroyed.  Bigger Picture People. Do me a favor, and get ya'll fuckin life. Please and Thank You In Advance"

Clearly you can see I was angry but that doesn't make what I was saying any less valid. Like where is the line? And why is it always being crossed? What kind of message does that send to the children of the future? Crime is okay as long as the majority of society finds you attractive?? So if the Hunchback of Notre Dame walked around slicing the throats of old ladies, then and only then do we act appalled and see the crime for what is actually is???? Which is EVIL if no-one is grasping what I'm saying. Instead of making stupid jokes about bailing him out for a date or getting on his visitors list for conjugal fun, society needs to be praying for that little girl and her family. Jeremy Meeks is a criminal, not Fabio. Do better people. Please.

Bikini Love

Happy July Everyone! Summer is definitely underway, time for some wet and wild shenanigans. Today for some reason I can't stop thinking about weight. During the summer a lot of pretty girls want to have their body out. You know with the cute little outfits and their cute little bathing suits and that's just great. However this is a very insecure time  for the girls of a thicker nature. There's a lot of don'ts for the bigger girls. Don't wear anything mini below the waist, don't wear crop tops, don't wear anything too tight and definitely don't wear a two piece. You know what I say to the people who are condoning these "don'ts"  Shut up and take that bullshit somewhere else. No-one has the right to tell anyone what to wear or how to wear it. It's the freakin summer time and the thicker girls, myself included are not going to wear turtle necks to appease anyone else. Not to say I'm gonna go nuts and get my Miley outfit on but I am saying I would if I wanted to. Because it's no-one's choice but mine. Everyone is a different version of gorgeous. And we need work  together to build  eachother up instead of ripping each apart. It would make the summer all the more fun. Anyway ya'll can break out the water balloons now.

In The Moving Sand

There is no feeling worse than when you thought you made a sound decision, only to realize it was the stupidest thing you've ever done. Its like when you had a really big breakfast, and your trying to decide on lunch. Your choices are pizza or a light salad, and of course you get the pizza because who in the hell says no to pizza? But as soon as you take your first bite, you realize you're not going to eat it and you made a big mistake. Essentially you just wasted money on something you thought you wanted  when you could have saved yourself  time and energy and had a nice salad.  I've had impulsions or "eat with your eyes" situations on many an occasion. Sadly enough,  the situation I am in currently is a little more complex than figuring out what to eat for lunch. Like where I live for example, don't get me wrong I love living with my girlfriend it was the best choice I made in awhile and it works so, yay us!! However, being trapped in the barren wasteland that is East Orange is just plain unbearable. No wait stop hold on one second, sidebar: I adore my Jerseyian readers but it is hella difficult to live here when you were born and raised in New York City and therefore accustomed to the vigor and noise and actual corner stores, that don't close before sunset. Regardless, my lady and I are making plans to uproot soon enough. The point to my boasty nature is, if you make an impluse choice and you don't feel its right, that's perfectly fine. All you have to do is go back to the drawing board make sure you have a plan and that your assets are in order. So that when you are ready to pull yourself from the quicksand that is an unhappy situation you can do so without any hiccups along the way.
I know it sounds very tedious but slight tedium now is a small price to to pay for the ultimate happiness later. Stay positive, and believe that anything that hinders anyone from prosperity and joy will never last.

Hold Your Joy

I'm not gonna drone on and on today because most people I know, including myself are celebrating PRIDE today!!!!! I just want to say that as a bisexual in a lesbian relationship I couldn't be more grateful that tolerance is on the rise. I know that for me personally, it wasn't always easy to be different and I could only imagine how difficult it was for the older generations. I'm just happy we have come as far as we have. And for the people out there that say that people are only LBGTQ because its trendy now, that is not only disrespectful but it is false. You cannot choose to be LBGTQ. So if someone is part of that spectrum and decides to come out its NOT because  they "wanna be down" it is because the world is slowly becoming a safer place to be LBGTQ in. Gaining a sense of acceptance that it lacked years prior. We've come a LONGGGG way since Matthew Shepard and it is an absolute blessing. For those who have yet to come out for fear of ridicule, don't worry all in good time. You will have someone waiting to stand by you after the dust has cleared. And I hope my words bring you peace. In a nutshell, everyone needs to be excited and proud to be who they are. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you.

Kryptonite

Don't really know what the hell is wrong with me today , but I've been trying to blog all day and for some reason I just keep falling asleep. I mean, normally I'm more of a night owl so I can see why I would need to sleep during the day, but today it's extremely excessive. Literally, my eyes open for five minutes and then I blink and three hours have passed. I don't know, I guess my body is trying to tell me that I can't do things the way that I used to. When I was a teenager breaking night was like part of my regular regimen. Now I can't do that anymore without feeling narcoleptic all day. And even though I'm still young that shit makes me feel old as hell. I guess my point is you really have to take care of your body. You only get one and contrary to popular belief it is not an ever-running machine. You do get tired, you can break bones and you do get bruises, so to treat your body as if it works any other way is a huge mistake. Kids are so anxious to grow up when they're younger, once you've grown all you wanna do is be a little bit younger. And I'm not dusty or anywhere remotely close to it but I do know that I have to start taking better care of myself and I suggest that anyone who thinks they are Superman or superwoman should do the same. No-one is an actual superhero therefore no-one is immune to everyday wear and tear. Now that I think about it kids these days don't know how easy they have it. Running around playing all day and still managing to have the energy they started with that morning. Eating whatever they want and never gaining any weight , because younger kids are built with freakishly fast metabolisms.  Seriously though, especially if you are accident prone like myself. You have to slow down and put your health first. The only thing keeping you from a healthier version of yourself is the unhealthy version. No-one wants to be known as the person who lost the battle for a more fufilling and rejuvenated lifestyle... to themselves. Just putting it out there.

Genius Ass Dora

When my little sister was even younger, her favorite show was Dora the Explorer. Now me being significantly older Dora got on my damn nerves. But she was educational, and my sister had a blast learning new words and phrases in Spanish. For like three  months she walked around saying "Baté, Baté Chocolaté"  in response to every yes or no question. As if she really were taking part in a ridiculously advanced conversation, though all she was saying was "Mix, Mix Chocolate". When I look back,  Dora was more important than I ever thought she would be. The most important part of the show, in my opinion, was when they would get in the car with Tico as the driver,  and Dora would say "Seatbelts, So we can be safe". I would just sit there thinking, that is one smart little girl. Now fast forward to present day, my sister is almost twelve, her Dora watching days are over. But for some odd reason Dora, a seven year old, who essentially runs away from home every chance she gets, is still smarter than most of the young adults I know today. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends with all my heart, but sometimes they just do some stupid shit. Like why call me to let me know , that as a grown woman or man you had sex with someone you didn't know well enough, and weren't completely trusting of, unprotected. A lot of women and men my age are all about having fun and "turning up".  Loving the mere thought of getting excited and living in the moment. That's all well and good, until one makes a mistake that they can't take back. Now no one is perfect, that I understand but to do the same thing over and over and over again expecting a different result,  that's the definition of insanity at its best. So if you had unprotected sex before and you got scared and started freaking out and you thought you were pregnant or thought you had an STD , but then you got checked out and realized everything was gonna be ok , THAT RIGHT THERE is your sign. Because by the grace of God or whomever you believe in,  your ass got off scott free and it doesn't always happen that way. So that should be your first reason to use any barrier or contraceptive of your choice. Seriously, after making that mistake the first time, and then repeating it, it's no longer a mistake it's a lifestyle choice. People like to live dangerously and I wouldn't want to be around to witness the consequences behind those decisions. So everytime someone calls me with some nonsense of that nature the first thing that goes through my mind is 'If Dora knows the precautionary steps to take to keep herself alive in a potentially  harmful situation, why don't you?" Granted, Dora in a car with her friends and young adults not being sexually concious, are two completely different sides of the spectrum but the premises remain the same. And at this rate, Dora will be old enough to drive a REAL car with her seatbelt buckled before the imbeciles of my generation get their lives together and take better care of themselves as well as their bedmates. That's the sad, sad truth.

Dumb

For a full year, from the age of about eight to nine, I lived my life thinking my little brother and I were idiots. The reason being, while our older brother was out enjoying his newly teenaged-ness and  the teeny tiny slither of independence that came along with it, we were stuck in the house. And after playing 52 pick up about 100 times and I Declare War and Go-Fish over and over and over again. After watching our Rugrats tape so frequently we were able to recite the words, we realized we were bored. Out of our minds. My brother and I were thick as thieves at that age so we always found a way to entertain ourselves one way or another. But this time, the tedium was too much to handle, even for us. We went to our mother and expressed our dismay, in our child like manner and she said "Bored?, You're not bored, Boredom is for dumb people." Safe to assume she was only trying to be reassuring in a way that only she can, but that scared the shit out of us.  Like really.Who wants to be stupid anyway? Obviously now, I realize the context of which  she said that in wasn't exactly the way she meant it. I understand now that my mother meant in order to be bored you would have to give up on or lack your own imagination as well as creativity. I.e. making you mentally less than in the everyday circumstance. And even though it's a valid thought, it's not necessarily true for every case. Sometimes you've just exhausted every possibility, sometimes you just run out of stuff to do. What my mother didn't understand then, which I hope she does now, is that boredom isn't a soft spot on your character or a red flag to the person you grow to become. In my opinion, boredom is only a part of the system of  inevitability. Such as death or loneliness. Boredom doesn't make you any more stupid than loneliness makes you a loser. By definition, a loser is someone who people do not favor because they lack the charisma and the drive to do anything remotely successful in life.  You can be surrounded by  a stadium full of people and still be a loser, the same way you can be the most successful person ever to live and still be lonely. Unfortunately for me, I didn't grasp that concept until I was ten. But I guess better late than never, right? Which is more than I can say for Mother Dearest. Anyway, the lesson here children, somethings are just a natural part of life and no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time, it will pass. Feeling and aknowledging that discomfort doesn't make anyone any worse or better than anyone else.

Twist

I already know, another hiatus, I can't apologize enough but sometimes its hard to blog about life when you're in the middle of living it. But moving forward I will dedicate more time to my craft and to all who enjoy it. The one good thing resulting from my absence is that I had the time to filter through the non-stop thoughts flowing through my mind and figure out a few things I want to convey today and a few days following. Today, it's dawned on me that it isn't good to wish. I know, I know what the hell do I mean by that right? Well let me elaborate. Wishing is dangerous because it's a never ending complex of getting yourself excited about something uncertain only to be disappointed when the visual in your mind doesn't match what reality is offering. And on the rare occasion one may actually get what they've been wishing for, it doesn't come without some sort of karmic ,cosmic backlash. Usually meaning something or someone worth way more than what was wished for ends up in a turmoil of some sort. Which brings me back to my original statement, wishing is dangerous because not only does it send your psyche on a figurative tilt-a-whirl but one may not be prepared for what the cost may be to fulfill said wish. As the Pussycat Dolls once said 'Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it' And to be frank about it, anything that's not acquired with humility and good old fashion hard work will not come without any funny business attached. So when wishing you have to ask yourself, 'Is this what I REALLY want?' 'Did I EARN this?' And is it WORTH all the possible stress to come?' And of the answer to any of those questions are no, then stop WISHING and start DOING. I firmly believe you feel more gratification putting in a deep amount of effort in to an accomplishment anyway. But hey, the choice isn't mine to make.

The Lord's Vacation

A friend of mine, one I go way back with, probably to like middle school, came to me  cyberly, seeking  advice. Now from what I've heard and the feedback I've gathered I'm pretty good at giving advice. I don't necessarily agree, which is probably why I rarely ever listen to myself. Anyway this good friend went on to tell me about her relationship troubles. According to her, her boyfriend is the reason for all of their problems. She went on to say he has a problem being faithful and a very bad wandering eye. I asked her when was the last time he wandered his eye or cheated and I was pretty confused by the answer she gave me. I guess I was expecting her to say "last week", "two weeks ago" even "last month" but she said "two years ago." TWO YEARS AGO. So then I kind of LOL'd her. Which in retrospect, was probably not the best thing to do. I  I asked her why why she stayed with him if he wasn't doing right by her. And of course she said "because I love him" to which I responded "if you love him why are you holding on to something that happened two years ago?" and her answer is what prompted this blog today. My good friend that I've known since the 8th grade still managed to shock the shit out of me  by answering my question with one simple statement  "I'm a grudgeholder , whatever, it's not my job to forgive its God's." Boy was I floored. Maybe because I've never gotten that perspective  before. And never so blatantly.  But then it got me to thinking, why does God forgive? And why do we as humans give him so many reasons to do so? And do we as a people use God as a reason to do stupid things? When you're young and growing up, you make a mistake and  your mom or your grandmother or your dad or your grandpa tells you that all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and you will receive it. Clean slate no questions asked. But there are a solid couple BILLION people in this world. Imagine someone everyday  making a stupid mistake, most likely the same one or a ridiculous variation of it and they running to you with "remorse" and you're just EXPECTED to forgive them. Bullshit right? Exactly. But that is what we as humans or as the religious say "sinners" do. I mean not only do we ruin things for ourselves and others constantly but most of the time we have the NERVE to be self-righteous about it.  And then head straight to God expecting and taking for granted his forgiveness. Shame on it. I'm no saint on any account either but geez. I'm sure it wouldn't kill any of us to have a slice of humble pie with a side helping of selflessness.  It's a wonder God hasn't  struck us all down already. It really must get tiring, unconditional love,  and for what just another let down in the end. Maybe if he retired or went away for a while on a retreat to get the kinks of the idiocy in human race rubbed out. People would notice just how good they have it with their slate wiped and polished at their convenience. But no-one is God so no-one would know.

Retrospective

Sometimes you just have to look back.  Sometimes you just have to reflect and be grateful. Most people  are so busy focusing on negatives in life, and what they lack. No one bothers to realize that's what you have is a blessing. People have grown accustomed being ungrateful. I've come to realize that gratefulness stems from a sense of immortality . Most love to believe that they will live forever, but we all know unfortunately that is not the case. The faster people realize that life is a gift , that will eventually end, the sooner they will realize that all the wonderful things that make up their existence is something to be awestruck by. People love negativity, people love hatred. Granted we are all human and not every day is going to be a great one but there should always be more good than bad. One should always find one good thing that happened to them  in each day,even in a shitload of disappointment. Because when you do  search and find, that shows that you are cultivating and utilizing life. And that whatever Most High you may believe in did not waste His/Her or Their time. There's so much wrong with the world, this I know. Nonetheless, appreciate the right things. Share the right things spread the positivity. That's will prolong your lifespan and while there is no secret remedy to immortality. Happiness is the key to a long, full, and prosperous life. As my grandmother used to say for everything you don't have there are two things that you do. Remember that and you will live on long after you've left world.

Odds

Drives me nuts when I'm feeling exceptionally shitty and someone tells me "don't worry it's just another bump in the road". Like obviously I know that it's a bump that's why I feel shitty in the first place.  When things fuck up it's so discouraging.  When all you want to do is live a happy life as best you can, some crazy mess comes in and ruins that. Usually out of the blue always unexpected, just messy. The really sick part of the whole deal is nothing bad seems to happen until you are at the very peak of your success, at the very tip of your happiness. It's like everything is going fine, just got yourself a new house and a new car to match and then suddenly, a crater comes and SMASHES all your new shiny things to pieces. Now I know that is a very cynical and exaggerate example but the point is made  nonetheless. In the event of that circumstance, the first thing someone would think is  "what are the odds that this will happen to me after working so hard to achieve my goal"? That's the thing, people are always saying what are the odds of this and what are the odds of that, to be completely honest the odds of something messing up when everything's going perfectly are  pretty high. And no one ever expects it, irony at its best, eh?  I can tell you though, it gets mighty tiring always getting the short end of the stick. Waiting for the good to come all the time can wear somebody out indefinitely. Why exactly should anybody have to put any of their happiness on hold? I mean, the way I've been told that karmic forces are supposed to work is that good things I supposed to happen to good people. Instead however, unfortunate circumstances follow upon the good  individuals of the world. It's enough to make you wanna cry but you don't of course , because as luck would have it humans I'm blessed and cursed with a thing called hope. So even when you really do feel your shitiest , you don't give up. Because someday, sometime, things will work out. And holding on to that is what helps us little people survive . And anything that helps survival, is alright with me.

Id the Dominant

Being out of character is totally in character. One of my very best friends  took the time out  to enlighten me on the ways of myself pertaining to the best of the worst in me. I guess what they say about best friends knowing you better than you know yourself is true. Anyway, she reminded me that I'm human and therefore equipped with the capability of the occasional lapse of stability and average mental malfunctioning. She went on to explain to me that just because you know something is wrong doesn't mean it is easy to stop yourself from doing it or that you even want to stop. And that it is not any more or less  significant then waking up early and getting out of your bed to volunteer at a church your mother attends.  Neither choice makes you more noble then anyone else in the world. Sometimes even when you try to do the right thing, to take the high road and be the most morally sound person possible the primal part of you will get in the way. Hence the age-old Battle of the Superego and the Id. Good ol' Sigmund Freud told us that there are three different parts of the mind to complete the human psyche. He believed you have the Superego the Ego and the Id.  As we all very well know the Superego is the moral compass. It is the Jiminey cricket of sorts, the Angel on your shoulder. The Id however, is the visceral gut- wrenching carnal part of oneself that allows you to feel so good when doing and/or thinking so badly. The Ego is the mediatior and scale balance of the two. It's scary business when your Ego goes on vacation, enabling your Id to give your Superego a wedgie and stuff it in a locker like a highschool bully. All to run amok and terrorize whoever is closest.  Which in turn Leaves ones' mind and physical being hot, flustered and wanting against their will, a conundrum one  had no business being apart of in the first place. Why does it seem that the Superego only pitches it's two cents AFTER the animal inside of us has stalked, killed and devoured it's prey and is contentedly sucking on it's carcass? Even more so, having the audacity to manifest in the form of guilt and self-hatred, like H E L L O  where were you went I was attempting to fight and getting my ass whipped by temptation? As bad as the good people of the world may feel when quelling a fever impossible to contain, regardless of the origin, all we can do is breath and chalk it up to the nature of the human mind. Hopefully, it's not always severe when experienced, but I can say it is meaningless to fight because the harder the fight the more the Id is liable to take control. And with that lightbulb, radiating ever so blatantly in my mind, I guess I can say I fully comprehend where the phrase "It Hurts So Good" comes from.

Call Of Duty: Black Ops

Happy June guys! I'm finally back from my vacation I had a great time and a great birthday. In my short time of being 21 I've learned that you have to watch what you say. I've learned that the mood you're in can determine how what you say comes out. Talking when you're mad, bad idea . Talking when you're sad , bad idea. Essentially, opening your mouth during any blood pressure raising situation is a bad idea. I don't care how cool calm and collected a person claims to be when they feel slighted they will immediately go into defense mode. Which automatically implies that there was something to defend, which subliminally enforces wartime. Wartime is when keeping it real goes wrong. If you're getting heated with someone you love you don't want to be in wartime. That is when mistakes are made and wartime is right around the corner  from RegretTown . Walking around with anger in your chest or sadness in your heart is like carrying a loaded gun. Eventually you will harm somebody if not yourself first.  Now not to be unrealistic  I know everyone gets angry and everyone gets sad, still it's not necessarily what you say but how you say it. Even if you are angry and you take a breather and think to yourself the person that I am in wartime with is not someone I am willing to lose permanently, you can positively change the outcome of an otherwise negative situation. You know how  like when election time rolls around and everybody's all "Vote or Die", I believe a more accurate term to use for life in general is "Think or Die. If you don't think before you act you probably will die. Literally and figuratively. Thinking is both prevention and cure. Imagine how different the world would be if everybody actually thought before they did things. Imagine a world without any poverty or disease. Impossible as it seems, that can happen. That world has the ability to exist,  and not only to just exist but to thrive as well. The only reason things aren't as such now is simply due to the fact that people lack the use of their minds and no one thinks before they speak. If being in wartime seems like the life , then fine so be it.  Feel free to run off at the mouth with no pace nor precaution. But if you've been in wartime with a loved one or friend, and like myself, soon realized how much it sucks. Then the only way to save yourself, the only way to get out of the war is to use your brain. It is your best, most strong, most accurate and lethal weapon and with it nothing is unattainable.

Fountain Of Youth

I Already know I'm slacking cause I was supposed to have been blogging. But I haven't been blogging because my birthday is coming and I've been putting all my focus in that. Getting older is difficult for some. But for a long time I've been looking forward to it. I'll be 21 this year. Now granted that is nowhere near old and there's a lot of different reasons why I should be excited about that but the main reason is because I am now able to be recognized as an official adult in society. I have worked very hard for my life and in my mind this birthday reflects that. I never understood why people dreaded their birthdays so much. People associate  being old with being feeble and therefore unable to live life the way they once had. But I don't believe that to be true, you're only as young as you let yourself believe you are. Age is relative. A lot of people say silly things like "1 year old is one year closer to death" or "the older you get the more you lose". The way I see it  anyone can die at any time. No one should let the fear of death stop them from doing anything they believe it is important. in my humble opinion I believe it doesn't make sense to be afraid of something that is inevitable. So instead of fearing one should be rejoicing.  Every birthday is a small victory, a stepping stone  toward ones ultimate goal. Everyone is so used to looking for the answer , an easy fix to aging. No one realizes that the secret to staying younger isn't in any advertisement nor commercial.  Youth itself lies within the human spirit and the will to stay active healthy and happy. Nothing more nothing less. So if you are searching for some sort  of an answer , look within yourself first.

Exhausted

Apparently no good deed goes unpunished. The irony in that saying itself is enough to drain my essence and leave me empty. Considering that I'm a good person and I act as such, even to people who don't deserve it, I'd like to believe there is some divine justice. That all the genuinely evil people will be  severely punished for all the harm they've caused but no one can confirm that with absolute certainty. That tires me out. It's so difficult holding moral grounding staying kind without an agenda. Even more so being honest without malice to those who don't even deserve a sincere smirk. Keeping up niceseties  with people who make you mad enough to spit is a noble feat indeed. And oh yes, I'm well aware of the fact that compassion leads to a happiness that is nourishment to the soul.As well as the notion that treating others how you would like to be treated adds longevity to the lifespan.  But sometimes, and only sometimes I wish the good guys didn't have to wait for the very last minute of the very last hour during the very last day to see the plentiful reaps of the positivity sowed. I guess I wish there was an  instant app  that can help all the good and patient warm hearted people receive swift and reasonable justice. Because waiting around for a wrongdoer to come take responsibility for his or her actions can be exhausting too. Especially when you know that'll never happen anyway.  Well-meaning individuals,  need to make a comeback because  nice guys finishing  last is so played out. To be frank, the whole ideal of it is just enough to make me question humanity, or rather the lack thereof.

While We Are Sleeping

Dreams are very mystifying things. No one knows exactly why we dream, how they come about and how scientific things like REM sleep really apply to them. Apparently though dreams are a subconscious reality of sorts. The weird thing about it all is  you only have two solid options when it comes to dreaming. Either you remember everything you dreamt up that night, or you remember nothing at all. Yet and still you are left with that nagging twilight zone-y feeling that something you dreamt about was worth remembering. Most of the time I remember what I dream about when I sleep, it's been that way for me since I was a teeny tiny little girl and trust and believe it is not always a good thing. But last night for the first time since umm, ever I can't seem to remember what I dreamt about. Eerily enough though I DO remember how I felt during the dream and how ever disturbed that may be it gives me a tiny peace of mind. Honestly I believe that how you felt during a dream is just as important what happened in the  dream itself. Because we all know dream plot is relative but emotions always seem to tell the genuine story. So I guess that would be interesting to think about the next time someone is about to put their head to a pillow. One never really knows the kind of things they actually keep  inside until the digging begins. Really enlightening to see how deceitful we humans can be, especially to ourselves.

Prioritize

Okay so it seems like everyone has something to say about all the drama on social media these days. If it's not about Solange going all 'Love And Hip Hop Atlanta' on Hov then  it's T.I. and Apollo's Twitter Pow-Wow. Even going as far as broadcasting Miley and her #SubNation to Liam, alledgedly speaking of course because she shortly after took to twitter for the disclaimer. Honestly as entertaining as all of this nonsense is there are bigger things happening in the world. Just earlier today I went to Facebook and expressed exactly that:

'I'm done. People sitting here like "Imma pray for Bey and the family" THEY are fine. THEY are not in crisis nor danger. Ya'll better stop playing and send those prayers to the 200+ girls we don't have in safety yet. Smh. Come On Now.  #ThatIsREALCrisis #BringBackOurGirls'

I stand behind my sentiments because why is it that most know more about the antics of the famous then about the heartening things that ACTUALLY MATTER. Granted 200+ girls being kidnapped in their own country while ours stares them down trying to figure the whole mess out isn't the sexy skeevy announcements we are accustomed to. But maybe that is because we are giving too much time to the wrong type of news. If we as a people worked as hard to keep tabs on important things as we do  Miley's selfies the world would be a better place to live in. Figure out what's really nesscessary and choice that to stand by that. That way you can be a person with integrity and possibly influence others to follow suit.

Farce

Being lied to is always the ultimate betrayal. Or at least part of it because every genuinely sick, evil or hurtful thing anyone has ever done has stemmed from a lie they claimed to be able to control at some point. Honesty is the most important part of any relationship and without it whatever relationship you think you're apart of essentially doesn't exist. The reason it is so detrimental to remain honest is not because of any "golden rule" it's simply because honesty is easier to keep up with. Once someone  tells a lie they have to continuously string out a saga  of lies to support the one they began with. If you really care about someone, there is never any reason to hide. Be open. Be real. Express yourself. If someone is giving you their all ,communicating sharing giving unconditional attention and all you can give is a farce of yourself then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. Or any relationship at all for that matter. Honesty is love and no-one wants a lop-sided lover. If you're putting up with  any variation of that then maybe it's time to reevaluate and visit the notion that maybe it is best to be alone that to tolerate that kind of hurt.

M.O.M.

Hey guys sorry I haven't blogged in so long I 've been  mentally disoriented due to family business and I needed to take time to get my self together. You know, Shit happens. Ironically enough I'm blogging on Mother's Day as a way to "throw the rest of it up"  figuratively speaking. Many people on Mother's Day take the time out to show their mother's their appreciation.  To give gratitude where it is due. Most mothers will  do and have done anything  to make their  child happy and ensure to them that they are loved. According to my research there are a couple different definitions of the word mother. Number one: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. Number two: That which has produced or nurtured anything. Well in my case, the first definition is more accurate because "nurturing"  me isn't part of my mother's agenda. It is the general assumption that all mother's are wonderful and sacrifice so much for their children but it's due time for society to realize their are some shitty mom's out there. Now I could sit here and claim that my mother, although not perfect did the best she could with my siblings and I. I could say although she's hurt and disappointed me too many times to count that I still have hope that one day we will be able to coexist peacefully together and have the relationship I've always wanted without any underlying "snake in the grass" hidden agenda. I could say all of that but I made a promise to my readers from the very beginning that I would remain as honest as possible. So to avoid being a liar, I won't say that. MY mother is Master Of Masochism  because she has a Manic Oppression-type Mentality and has a habit of unapologetically violating anyone who doesn't share her views on whoever she dislikes at the moment. She is obsessive compulsive and bipolar so even when she is nice you have to walk on thin ice because any tiny misstep and that can change in a hot second. For a long time even after my mother decided she'd had enough of me and decided it was best I see how life was on my own at the end of my teenage years, I still wanted to be around her, talk to her and have her accept and possibly, finally love me the way she convinced everyone else she's had. And for a long time even after being tossed aside like yesterday's trash, I still played the role of the dutiful daughter. And time and time again I realized I was only being used, only considered "daughter" when it was convenient and or beneficial to her needs. And after the heartbreak of being disowned and ignored it occurred to me that for quite some time , I was being duped. I now understand that even though my Mother may not be the most evil person in the world , like Hitler or Osama or some shit but I do know that  she is pestilence for my mental and emotional psyche. As much as I may want things to be different I know that any genuine change is a far cry away. Maybe one day in the far future, things will be healthier but even then I'll  want to keep my distance just to keep my sanity because  my mother is good at many things but  Mostly Orchestrating Madness which is why I took the time, blog free to let it all sink in. I will never let anyone make light of my emotions and treat my spirit recklessly ever again, never again will I let anyone tell me I'm making Mountains Outta Molehills.

Oceans

No matter how much you love someone you cannot force them to love you the way you believe you deserve to be loved. The person you love can walk out on you today and you most likely would cross oceans to get them back.  That doesn't automatically imply that they would do the same for you if the roles were reversed. You could walk away from the person you love for whatever period of time you choose and they would have the stonewalled capabilities to treat the matter as of you were going to the store. Unfazed. Nonchalant. Aloof. If that's the case its probably because the person you're with takes you for granted. Or doesn't believe that you will ever be truly absent from his or her life. Personally I believe that is a foolish way to think because the more you try to maintain the cool calm exterior to show you don't care about what happens in your particular relationship, the more your beloved will actually believe you could care less. And that never ends positively. As strong as your love may be for a person do not try to paint a new picture over the true colors they show. Because that will only make things worse for your heart in the long run. All I can really say is sometimes treating people how you WOULD LIKE to be treated is not always the best way because in that case one person will always be treated kinder within the relationship. Sometimes its more effective to treat people EXACTLY how they treat you and if they question it, turn the mirror back in their direction, metaphorically speaking. If someone is not willing to show how much they love and care for you when one foot is out the door then they must not care as much as you thought they did initially. Not to sound cynical but if the person you love really loves you back when distress is voiced they will take the necessary steps to quell that voice.

Gross

Being sick is gross. The stuffy nose, the excessive sweating, the achy joints and muscles, just eww. But perhaps the worst parts of being sick are the diziness and the nausea. Like it's bad enough your head is swirling and throbbing, having your innards on washing machine mode just adds insult to injury. Heaven forbid you vomit. I hate the fact that being sick has the power to mess up a person's whole outlook on themselves as well as others.When ones health is up to par good energy is spread from within that person to everyone around them. I see that as an overall delight.  But when some poor unlucky individual is under the weather and miserable the best thing to do would just be move right out of the way. Less for the sake of contagiousness and more due to the power of transference of emotions. Now overall, I would consider myself a decent human being but when sick, the me people have come to love is hardly present. Physical pain is enough to make Mother Teresa evil. Like the saying saying goes "Misery loves company" so unless prepared to be in dreadful dreary company,steer clear. In all truth, I do believe there is an important justification as to why people get sick. And even though I don't know exactly what that justification is I, believe that without getting sick people wouldn't appreciate would being well feels like. Sickness is imperative for the dynamic of life I guess. Or at least I hope so cause this feeling like crap for no divine reason thing, is not going to work for me. Not even a little bit.

Blood's for Veins, Water's for Survival

From practically birth we are taught that family is everything, that the bloodline of which you are born into triumphs all. We are branded with the belief that anyone who isn't present or "in good standing" with their family must not be a good person. Because everyone is  supposed to be there for  family because you only get one, right?  And besides, "Blood is thicker than Water." Well I agree, family is important. You are supposed to be there for you family, just not at the expense of losing and/or neglecting ones own needs and desires. I love my family immensely but I learned recently that loving them from far doesn't make me a horrid person. I learned that sometimes not being around someone is a concrete way of showing that love. Loving someone in your family from a distance, giving yourself permission not to always be there, is not a showing of ungratefulness or  lack of loyalty or even disrespect, sometimes letting go and/or stepping back is the best way to say I love you. Especially when you find that your beloved family takes pieces of you with their actions that they cannot return. Distance from that kind of hurt can be a simple grasp at sanity. And no-one  likes a lost mind. I also  have come to know that you don't only have one family. There's the one you are obligated to, by DNA I'm assuming, and there is the one you create and love by choice. I personally feel that that second family is the most beneficial and spiritually healing of the two. Alright now, don't make faces, just think about it. A group of strangers who don't know you from a hole in the wall come into your life and impact it in such a way that you cannot imagine life without them. They may not  know everything about you immediately but as one of my beautiful, non-biological sisters said to me a short time ago , "Time is a funny gift no doubt". And in time, those people, those strangers can come to know you better than you know yourself. There is something to be said for loving someone so deeply, so freely, so viscerally that even blood couldn't make you any closer. In my mind it is a profound paradise to have a wonderful cluster of ladies and some guys who love me in such a way. Not because some aunt at some reunion told them we were family but because when they look into my eyes or hear my voice,my laugh or even my cry the first thing they can think of is home. That my friends, a blessing. A world where giving someone the option to hurt you, but relying on them not to, where looks are conversations and obligation is replaced with "just because" that is the world my family, the one I choose, who chose me right back, exists. I only hope that everyone's version  of family can thrive in that world one day, until then, inhale,exhale and good luck.

Y.O.L.O.

Fourtunately for me, I was born with more than half a brain. I will never understand why some people behave the way they do. I'm young so I can understand it's important to be current, but sometimes, that extra mile is a mile too far. For instance, buying the same thing FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES because of the new technologies it's supposed to have attached to it. "Oh I'm gonna buy the the iPad60 because iPads 1-59 don't have the  high resolution this new one does". *Facepalms* Really people, resolution is only important to ACTUAL cameras because that is only time it's noticeable. If you take a selfie with your Instagram app you cannot tell the resolution from the revolution. Just saying. Another ridiculous thing I can't understand, wearing boots with shorts and beanies...*breathes deeply* WHAT SEASON ARE YOU DRESSING FOR??!!! Pick one. Why does seeing people who dress like that make me feel like it's Snowing on top of a bed of lilacs that are sprouting in from underneath the sand at Myrtle Beach. Do not confuse me. I have to say though none of those things anger me as much as the fact there are acronyms for E V E R Y T H I N G now. Seriously people, I was okay with "lol  "brb" "fml" and "smh" for the simple fact that typing those phrases completely would take up another thirty seconds of my life that I'm not willing to just give away. That being said, people are just being extra, they have  created acronyms to replace other  acronyms. RIP to "lol" it's all about "ctfu" now. Ummm idk about the rest of you people but I thought the idea was to SHORTEN not ELONGATE. The "ctfu" (cracking the fuck up) is a metaphorical bitch slap to LOL because there's an extra word. Which to me defeats the purpose all together. And of course there is the beloved Y.O.L.O which women and men alike use as an excuse to be mindless, promiscuous degenerate clones of one another. Making life altering decisions that are all essentially going to ruin them in the long run. But YOLO right? You only live once, no no no people get it together.  Nowadays, it's more fitting for You Only Lack Originality. Sheesh.

{Meant for Tuesday Had to Repost Due To Techinal Difficulties,Sorry} -Move Your Weight or Move and Wait

Everyone has that one friend who doesn't know how to do anything on their own. Now when first meeting that friend they seem so cute and naive that helping helping isn't only a boost to  ones morale but a fun adventure that only sharpens the skills  of said helper.However as time wears on always sticking your neck, arm and mind out for that friend becomes less of a  fun puzzle to solve and more of a daunting task. The friend also becomes less grateful and more expectant over time, mentally equating  the friendship not with the the joyous times and laughter shared but how much can be done for them on your time and dime. In the average situation most helpers push the obnoxious behavior of the helped aside because regardless of all else they still care.  Nonetheless, after the consistent lack of appreciation and entitled attitude, it'd be best for the helper to reevaluate the magnitude of the friendship. The helped has clearly gone from a kind slightly lost individual in need of a little guidance to a rude,aggravating, lazy, self-serving mongrel, and the helper needs to put more focus into his/herself. Sometimes its okay to focus on oneself, never feel guilty for being on top of your game when others are dragging their heels behind you. This is not to imply that helping a friend isn't one of the attributes to a healthy, hearty relationship but do realize it is NOT YOUR OBLIGATION to spoon feed their way through life. Furthermore, if one is a real friend to begin with then they should outrageously protest at the thought of the helper putting their life on a pregnant pause just to ensure another individual's personal success. In no way shape or form is that a true friend if that circumstance is handled anyway otherwise. If the helped refuse to understand that you have aspirations to conquer as well, then it must be made clear that they  need  to do what is necessary to survive and thrive. As opposed to stepping aside while someone who's earn it gets the opportunities lost, simply due to sheer lack of drive.

Childhood Is The New Diagnosis

Now I know I'm not that  old, and I know I've mentioned  in a  recent blog the changes I've noticed in today's youth, but it dawned on me today while I was watching one of those "if you need help call  us we're lawyers* commercials  that  many of the problems within  today's youth are not their fault. When I was a little girl children would daydream, get emotional and  sometimes even take a quiet moment to themselves. I was actually one of those lucky children. In this day and age, however, daydreaming is a apparently a telltale sign for ADHD , getting emotional is now synonymous to Bipolar-ism and being an thoughtful introvert implicates heady depression. MY  response to all of these insinuations is SINCE WHEN? Since when  does being a normal  child make you the candidate for an 'one pill a day ' dosage. All these parents and all these so called medical gurus are so busy drugging happy, active children that they neglect the ones who ACTUALLY  need help. Is there even going to be a such thing as active child in a few years? What's it going to take for the higher- ups to  realize that medicating a being whose body isn't even fully equipped to deal with whats being put inside of it isn't always the best way. The obliviousness in the way most authorities operate in this matter is liable to destroy a generation that beforehand held such promise.

Donald Sterling:Egriegously Ironic

Soooo I know you guys are hip to this Donald Sterling fiasco, yes? If not, let me enlighten you. Donald Sterling is the owner of  the NBA's L.A. Clippers. He's an old WASP who was rumored to be highly bigoted for quite some time but boy if the cat didn't LEAP  out of the bag yesterday. TMZ got hold of a recorded conversation between Sterling and his MINORITY BASED girlfriend berating her for taking pictures with and bringing black people to his game. FIRST OF ALL, this is possibly the most disgusting I've ever heard since the murder of Trayvon Martin. Donald Sterling a man who wealth and livelyhood RELIES on the consistent athleticism of strong BLACK men and the unwavering loyalty of their strong BLACK fans has the audacity to voice disdain about the presence of black individuals at his games. So I guess about 90% of the team should just drop the ball and walk off the court too right? Since according to Sterling, they are no longer, never were and never will be welcomed where he is concerned. Everyone in the bleachers who fail the brown paper bag test should just get up and walk right out as well, correct? OH THAT'S RIGHT, Sterling would be penniless if that happened huh? I guess I'm the only one who missed the "Whites Only" sign upon entry. Donald Sterling is nothing more than a terribly racist, spineless, sorry excuse for a human being. What is he going to do to his girlfriend if she brings another one of "them" around to the game  lynch her? If I were her, I would pack my bags and find myself  someone who COMPREHENDS the definition of true love and respect because it's certainly not him. Congratulations Donald Sterling, you are officially on my shit  list, right up there with Ex-President Bush and Don Imus. Shame On YOU.
If you wanna here this debacle of a man yourself here's the link people. ------ > deadspin If you want to tell me what you think feel free.

Ignorance Doesn't Always Equal Bliss

Hey Good People, an idea that's on my mind quite often  reared it's head again today and I just have speak on it once more so there are no misconceptions about my intentions. Earlier this month I posted this to Facebook:

"I'm getting really disappointed in this 'college or die' mindset. Especially for my black people. Granted it has been installed in us since practically birth but college is NOT a mandate it is an OPTION. One of many might I add. Now don't get me wrong college is a wonderful experience I've experienced a few and its great if you decide that it's what YOU want. But if you can hone your craft at your own pace without it costing a cent why would you not want to? Don't go to college so your families who barely graduated high school or who graduated and want you to be their clone, can be survived vicariously through you. Do it because that is where you want to be. But if not , if you don't go it doesn't make you 'another uneducated nigger' it just means you have a larger freer way of quenching your thirst for knowledge. Self-teaching. Traveling. Writing. Whatever works.As long as you are content with who you are. Getting a degree doesn't make your life more valuable than anyone else's. Especially not if you're being charged by the class for it. If you do go and decide it isn't for you, it's also okay to leave. You can still flourish. Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard in his sophmore year and I'm writing this on HIS site. (Facebook will be 10 in July) Whereas George Bush graduated from Yale in 1968 AND Harvard in 1975. And we all KNOW he's mentally a bag of dust bunnies. So really people 'college or die' is propaganda to say the least."  

I fully stand behind what I voiced, HOWEVER  I just want to make it clear that this post doesn't only apply to black people and is NOT racially motivated. I also  have come to notice that a huge chunk of today's youth apply this theory to their lives as a justification for acting out in society as ignorantly as possible. The more I watch the news, and take to social media the more saddened I become. Young children  are killing each other and flooding their newsfeeds about it. Is technology apart of the problem or the solution?  Like why is it that babies can use a tablet BEFORE they can write their names? Do you think college should be a mandate for the underachievers of the technological era? I mean I really can't say, all I know is I asked my eleven year old sister if she knew who Toni Morrison was and her response was "No, but I'll see if I can follow her on Instagram" Scary. I know, and she's one of the smart ones. Anyway I don't know about you guys but I'm worried about the leaders of tomorrow because it's evident they are the slackers of today.

Nobody 's Moses.

I  don't have all the answers. I am as scared as you are. What I do know is, if you don't  do something that make's your heart race or give you the "warm fuzzies" inside then your not doing anything that's worth having been done. That is why I'm here, because a I firmly believe this is where I belong. Now I know going AWOL on college isn't the most pristine thing to do but wherever you lack passion you lack focus. And the moment anyone can tell me how you can possibly gain a viable education with the absence of the belief  that gaining such scholarly substance is unwaveringly necessary, is the day I'll go back. As scared as I am even as a type this words a rush is going through me because I know that I'm doing what is right for me. I'm nobody's Moses, and I'm not going to guarantee reading anything I have to say will change anything going on for anyone personally or lead you to any salvation, so to speak. What I am is human, and I will say whatever I write here on this blog will reflect that in the most humble and sincere way possible. I guess I should be wrapping this up after all its a blog not a novel, so I'll end my well meaning ramble like this... If you're alive but not doing what makes you feel that way, are you REALLY living at all??