Pained Holiday

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Things have been pretty rough, on my end. Christmas day was fine, I got the chance to see some family, eat some food and get in some quality time. Christmas evening however, my body started freaking out a little. There was some sort of lump under my arm and my left side started to swell, and I couldn't raise my arm. As I've mentioned before, my body is extremely fragile, and it is very frustrating running to the hospital for every little thing. So naturally, I just put a compress on it and waited for the swelling to subside. That was mistake number one. By Sunday the pain was so unbearable that I had no choice but to go to hospital. The emergency room to be exact. Upon arrival, I was told that I had "the worst strand of bacterial infection ever seen." I was told that I would have to get my underarm cut open and drained out. I was not prepared for the mini surgery I was faced with. To be completely honest, I was petrified. I actually tried to get out of it by informing them that I had eaten so there was no possible way they could put me under any scalpel. They calmly informed me that I couldnt afford to wait and that they needed to act now so the precedure would  have to be done while I was still awake. The doctor who performed the precedure was very kind. His name was Kevin. He numbed me to the best of his abilites and preceded to create and incision wide enough to smell the gross bacteria and see some really sticky blood. Scary, is an understament.  But all I could do was breathe and be as still as humanly possible, knowing that if he didnt get out as much bacteria as he could I would have to be admitted. That was two days ago, and I'm just grateful I made it through. Today I'll be going back to the hospital so they can check the incision for further infection and if there is, I have to do the precedure all over again. So I'm really hoping for the best news. At this point, all I really want is to not feel like a burden to those around me. That, along with having enough strength to bring in the New Year happily because to be truthful, this whole situation is way less than ideal.

Not Quite The Grinch.

Yesterday was such a rough day for me, so much so, that I couldn't bring myself to even write about it. That's okay though because yesterday is exactly that, over. Today however, has just begun and it's Christmas Eve. Just a warning beforehand, my blog game may be a little weak for the next week or so because; holidays. I definitely will  make it my business to do at least one last post before 2016 begins. Anyway, we are on the edge of Christmas and not one drop of snow has fallen. I kind of think that Mother Nature has caught my lack of yuletide jollies.  It isn't that I'm not happy that Christmas is basically here, I just don't feel that warm, fuzzy mystical feeling I usually encounter during holiday time. Maybe I'm speaking too soon, it could kick in later today or early tomorrow morning. I'm actually not sure. It may be because I'm not exactly sure what Christmas even means to me anymore.  Not necessarily including the devout religious foundation of it, Christmas for me, used to symbolize family,strength, joy and my version of faith. As far as family goes, my tree, poisoned by the pestilence that is hatred and bitterness,is looking more like a bruised and battered, house plant. Very few petals in bloom. In terms of strength, I am more than aware that I have conquered so much since this time last year and for that I smile, that doesn't take away from the fact that being that strong all the time can get exhausting. As exhausting as, my version of  faith  being tested at every waking moment, which has, on more than one occasion drained  my joy. You know what though, I do have people who love me, and they all made it to this Christmas Eve alive and enlightened. On the strength of that, I am grateful. Hopefully, the some holly filled cheer will find me before the day is done.Who knows, maybe I'll bump into some Christmas spirit, on the way to the supermarket or something.

Queens Are Damned.

Today, thanks to a conversation I was having with someone near and dear to me,  the unarguable truth that  women get a really egregious rap, hit me like a truck to the gut.  Saying that, I mean society as a whole doesn't really think too highly of women. Especially not black women. Not unless we're taking our clothes off and displaying our bodies for the world to see. Not that there's anything wrong with that, trust me, I hate clothes. I just often times, find myself wishing that the muscles and meat we choose to expose could receive less attention than the muscle protected by our skulls.  There are BRAINS inside these juicy bodies, you know?  I don't even think we're realized as actual  human beings with souls and feelings, rather than conquest to be mounted upon or prizes to be flaunted. In the day-to-day struggle (black) women have way too much to deal with. We are in a constant battle between following what we believe is right within ourselves and balancing our internal weight underneath the scrutiny the world has put on us. We have to be proud of, share, and advocate for our own sexual agency. All the while, dodging the stones casted upon us for doing so. We must be free birds and we must be delicate flowers. We must be strong but not intimidating to man. We hold up so much with the sheer will of weathered fingertips. God forbid, we let consistent societal misogyny anger us. No one enjoys an angry black woman. Men, and even some women need to realize we are not meant for anyone's enjoyment but our own. It is no one's job to tell us where to cultivate our strength from. Every woman has her own muse, every woman gets empowerment from somewhere, a place only SHE can choose. Even in daily conversation, for women, fuckery insues. If it's not the nonstop patriarchal bullshit "compliments" and testosterone dripping rhetoric, then it's insult after insult for calling a man out on just that.  Black Women, we try we really do. If we keep anger inside, we are said to be "holding a grudge" but if we let it go and try to move forward,  every man is suddenly a bonafide doctor and is completely capable of diagnosing us with bipolar disorder. HMPH. I might as well keep it ALL THE WAY REAL and say, us being legitimately angry at all just HAS to be some EMOTIONAL response from some sort of hormonal IMBALANCE. It just happens to MANIFEST from the inside. Fuck that shit. That whole notion to go straight to hell, to be frank. Honestly, it's all the more proof that we are damned if we do, and damned if we don't. So you know what, do you and only you.  No matter what anyone tells you, you're sexy as hell anyway.

Fuck A Ruse

Quick question; Is it possible for someone to seriously be BLANTANTLY obtuse? Are there REALLY people in the world who are THAT unaware of how their actions affect others? I don't understand how people can just walk around, doing and saying ridiculous things and not care about the consequences. If you care about someone, it is common knowledge to avoid behaving in any way that would cause that particular person pain. Don't get me wrong sometimes things happen, and you don't even realize how what you did or said could have been taken out of context and blown out of proportion. On the other hand, I firmly believe that certain people are fully aware of the things they do and say, but just want to be assholes anyway. I also came to realize, situations like the aforementioned, are more painful when they seem to be coming out of absolutely nowhere. If everything was just fine between you and a person not too long ago, and they approach you with this sudden "I don't give a crap about anything, including you"  attitude, you're bound to be completely baffled. There's nothing I hate more than communicating with someone who chooses not to be completely honest.  Instead, choosing to hold onto a grudge that was NEVER expressed. In turn, concocting a RUSE  that  SEEMS to be aptly complying with the needs YOU may have expressed during the communication, but in reality are bursts of petty anger. In the immortal words of Sweet Brown,  "Ain't nobody got time time for that!" If a person is not going to express how they truly feel from the beginning, then what is the point of having the conversation in the first place? To come to some faux understanding? Why even waste the energy? If that person chooses to use their energy to be petty, distant and speak AT you, as if they never cared, that's their prerogative. It is not YOUR job to force anyone to understand where you are coming from. Nor to listen to nonsense. If a person is making the conscious decision to NOT give predominantly positive vibes to the nature of your relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, bestfriend, family member or ANYONE in inbetween, it's cutoff time. If for nothing else, then because you owe yourself more than that. The world is way too big, to hold on to something or someone that is damaging you. Lose a loved one, meet someone, build a bond and you have a new one, in no time. It is beyond vital, to love and respect YOU first and foremost, no matter what.

The Death Of The Butterflies

Crushes, connections and relationships are such funny things to me. It's interesting  how someone can a person can go from being so smitten with someone one minute, to barely touching the surface of connection the next. What happens in life to result in such durastic change, so rapidly? In the begining everything is exciting and fresh. One finds themselves looking forward to every new day, never wanting to stifle or stunt the growth of ongoing conversation. Every moment is full of butterflies and flirty innuendos. The juices of giddiness are constantly flowing and you find yourself high on the sensualness of it all. With time though, all that slows down. The novelty wears off. What was once a welcomed mystery has now become routine. The bond fades and the same neglect and emptiness you ran from in the past has returned, with a vengence. Only in the from of a person you swore you adored. So what's to be done when some who you thought really vibed with you, doesn't seem to be paying you much mind anymore, or obviously rather be spending their time doing seemly less important things? The only thing you can do, slowly but sternly fall back. Occupy your time with other things as well as people. Time is precious and should be treated as such. Waiting for someone to notice you and give you the attention you believe you deserve is a good way to waste it. That's  not to say you no longer care about the person you once were so in sync with, you just value your needs more. There's no fault in that. Use the opportunity to learn new things about yourself, what you enjoy and what hidden talents you have yet to discover. Meeting people that feed your intellectual hunger can help you grow into a a stronger, more vibrant person.

Sober.

Some people say the more time one spends by themselves the more they become accoustomed to it. To the point that they are not only used to it , but they begin to enjoy, as well as prefer it. I can see how that would be true for some people. Especially those with overly packed days, who practically have to schedule breathing just to get a moment to themselves. For those individuals alone time is much coveted, and once recieved, cherished. I'm not really sure if that notion applies to everyone though. Some people can't really handle being alone for too long, due to the fact that alone can turn into LONELY in the blink of an eye. Trust me when I say, there is absolutely a difference.  To be perfectly honest, I feel like I fit into the second category more often than not. Obviously, I know you can't have someone with you every second of every day. We are a people with lives that dont go on pause for anyone. Not even ourselves sometimes. Still though, as analytical as I am, being left alone, is being left with my worst enemy. Myself. It's incredibly easy to be ambushed by your own thoughts, wishes and memories. Wishing that you were a better version of yourself, so you can shine where you believe  it truly counts. Replaying things over in your head, willing yourself to do them differently, all the while being fully aware that what's done is done. It's almost like re-reading a book that broke your heart, but still holding out hope for a happier ending. That is what being alone is for someone who is constantly in their own head. Sounds like hell, right? Feels like it too, most days. Being surrounded by people, is not only when people like myself come most alive, but it's an area in which we thrive. We are very sociable and charismatic, along with the fact that noone has the time to beat themselves up emotionally and make people laugh simultaneously. Noone in the world is that good of a multitasker. I can't really describe any more than I have already attempted, what happens when there is no one around to enchant, mentally stimulate or beguile. All I can say is, it's quite sobering. And who doesn't want to be a little high sometimes, whatever the vice.

Overkill

What I learned in boating school is... no seriously, the lesson that I took heed to today is: It is not only okay to know when to let go, it is imperative.  Somethings and some PEOPLE can be extremely poisonous  to one's health. It also dawned on me that a person doesn't even have to hurt you directly, to cause you tremendous pain. If an individual you care deeply for,  has someone in their life whose aura doesn't radiate positivity from a mere first impression, let them go, because your gut instinct usually doesn't steer you wrong. If your alledged loved one is continously making the concious choice to keep overall negativity around them, even at the cost of losing those who love them most, let them go. There should never be ANYONE in your corner that ALLOWS someone to tarnish your spirit, personality or physical being in any way, shape or form. In the unfortunate instance that is does play out that way, it means they were never in your corner to begin with. No REAL loved one would sit idly by while letting negative people and energy affect their longstanding relationship with family and friends. It brings forth the painful questioning as to why, why a person would even feel comfortable slandering your name to someone who is supposed to love and revere you? Something had to be said in agreeance, to make them feel at ease with speaking so callously. With loved ones like that,  enemies are simply overkill. It is perfectly acceptable to realize when enough is enough. When the mouth you fed faithfully, has bit your hand for the last and final time and when the bridge is nothing but an ash-filled memory. It is more than okay to say, So long and good riddance.

Pants on Fire?

Everyone says they want people to be honest with them at all times. The overall consensus is that liars are terrible people, who deserve to be alone. Let me say this, lying is not a good thing to do. Especially not when the truth is simpler to deal with. However, I'm convinced that not everybody wants to hear truth all the time. I mean, you really have to step outside yourself and truly think about how daunting that would be. I'm not saying I just walk around blatantly lying to people, but I am fully aware that there's different degrees in which it is socially acceptable to be just a little dishonest. For instance, if your sweet old Grams came down with something really terrible, resulting in her admittance into the hospital, at which point she said"How do I look honey?" NOONE in their right mind is going to say "Well Grams, you look like cold shit, on a hot stick."  While that very well may be what the truth is,  it is highly inappropriate, not to mention insensitive to talk to your grandmother like that. Most of us have the good sense enough to lie. And I don't think there's one person in this world that would penalize someone for trying to make their grandmother smile.  Sometimes, It really frustrates me when people say, "tell me the truth even if I get mad, I'll get over it." The whole point in lying is to avoid the anger entirely. In truth, the whole" I'll get over it" thing IS a bold face lie. When a person tell someone something that they don't want to hear, truth be damned, they don't "get over it". It is nowhere near as simple as one would like to make it seem. People harbor by nature. We are sensitive creatures. Even if we don't mean to feel certain way about something, even if we fully intend  to take the hard dose of truth  in stride, it is not possible not to hold on to the sting. Even for the slightest second it is difficult to let go of the offending statement.  Why? That's an easy answer, we as humans absolutely detest being told what we already know about ourselves deep down inside. Individually, we are our worst critics, so when people go out of their way to point out our personal truth, and hold the metaphorical mirror up to our faces, anger and defensiveness is an inevitability.  Humans swear we know what we want, until the very moment it is received. Honesty is wonderful. Everyone should do their best to be as honest as they possibly can, even more so without any emotional harm done. Still, there is a difference between being honest or blunt and just being a complete asshole. Everyone loves to "keep it real" not realizing that they're just keeping it real ignorant. Quite frankly, if everyone told the truth ALL THE TIME, EVERY moment EVERY single second of EVERY day, no matter what, I'm almost positive the earth as we know it would implode. From the sheer density of spiraling insecurity alone. Expressing this, is not me giving the okay to do something reckless and hurtful, like commit perjury in court or cheat on your significant other, and not admit it when shes/he asks. It's just my way of saying, in certain instances, lying can be as merciful as it is damaging. The choice to implement it in our daily lives, is not to be taken lightly. One should be willing to accept whatever comes their way, regardless of their decision.

Zesty

For a couple of weeks now, in a valiant attempt to be a better version of myself, I've been putting way healthier things in my body than I normally do. My favorite healthy thing right now, besides the obvious fruits of course, is lemon water. Honestly at first I was highly skeptical. I'm an avid water drinker, so my thoughts were how could adding a lemon to the water I already drink make a significant difference for me? Surprisingly, I do feel like lemon water does help me clean out the toxins and break my food down a bit better. I've seen more of the toilet in these last 3 weeks than have in 3 months. I also feel more energized in normal. Still, I'm waiting for the other unbelievable benefits to take effect. I mean, I know I just started and everything, so I don't expect anything immediate. I'm just really excited to be taking positive steps forward to a better well being. The thing I'm most excited about, with trying this lemon water is the incredible booth that it gives to my immune system. Everyone who knows me knows by now that my immune system is borderline faulty. Bad weather and cold air kick my ass  on the daily basis. I could use all the help that I can get in the strength building department, without a doubt. I feel slimmer too, even though I'm not sure that I lost any weight just yet. I hope so. I do have a few questions though. Like, how many times can you reuse the lemons you put in your water until are no longer viable? Also how much lemon water should you drink a day? Is it the same amount as regular water? Or is it less because of the possibility that lemon can erode the enamel on your teeth? I'm probably just look it up as soon as I get a free minute. Yay, google! Being conscientious of your body's health isn't easy when you're so used to putting, essentially crap, inside of yourself. I'm extremely proud of myself for putting my best foot forward. I can not wait to see major results.

Lulu ♡.

Today is a very sad day for me. I am heartbroken because one of my fellow warriors passed away. Her name was Lucinda Rivera, but I called her "Lulu." Lulu and I initially met at Beth Isreal, a hospital on the Lower East Side, the very first time I realized I would be having surgery to remove pieces of the abnormalties I had growing inside of my breast. I was twenty. Lulu was five. Lulu had already become accustomed to going under the knife, due to the fact that she had Leukemia.  By then I'd already survived numerous surgeries, due to being born with Cerebral Palsy, yet and still, I was afraid because this was the first time a knife would be cutting me above my waist. I remember Lulu turning to me as I was filling out some papers and saying " Don't worry, everything will be just great. I do this all the time it's not that hard, see..." When I looked up from my forms, Lulu had taken off her hat, which revealed a head full surgery scars, some more recent than others. I knew from that  exact moment,  whatever I faced, from here on out I had be brave about it. If she could do it, so could I. I saw Lulu several more times after that day, it turns out we ended up being referred to the same place. The Cancer Center, which is  also located on the Lower East Side. Every time Lulu saw me, even after my surgery she would say "Don't be a Chicken ZeeZee, Even if it hurts you have to be a big girl, like me" And because of that, I was. She gave me the strength to be brave. The last time I saw Lulu, was a couple months ago, long after I got the news that my masses had grown back, and that even though they wouldn't be killing me anytime soon, I would be in pain for the rest of my life.  I was getting my blood pressure checked and scolded by my doctor to easy up on the stress. It was just before my twenty second birthday. Lulu had come in for a routine checkup. She was wearing a pink tutu with white polka dots, carrying a butterfly shaped wand. She ran up to me and gave me a hug, but she squeezed too tight. The pain shot through my breast like I had gotten stung by a bee, and when she realized she hurt me she  waved her wand and said "There I poofed the pain away" I don't know what Lulu did, but the stinging did indeed, subside. Shortly after that, I turned twenty-two, had crazy summer adventures and come September, moved into my new home. Even though I hadn't seen her in a while, I never stopped thinking about Lulu.  Her doctor and my doctor were friends, so my doctor was kind enough to check up on her progress and let me know she was hanging in there. Until today.  Today, the angel that was Lucinda Rivera, received her wings. Lulu was strong, Lulu was beautiful and positive, every chance she got. It hurts me to my core that life her was so short, but I know, by the way she affected me, and countless others, it was more than meaningful. Rest in peace Lulu, ZeeZee loves you. Always.

The Two-Ton Chip

One of the things that drives me crazy in this day and age, is people's ability to be completely comfortable with their own lack of professionalism. Don't get me wrong, I know everybody gets frustrated and tired while at work. And there is a such thing as working smarter, not harder.  However, there is a difference between working smarter and not working at all. I remember telling you guys some time last week that I had an unfortunate encounter with a lady in my management office. Well today, I called them, simply to make sure the loose ends that I tied up were double knotted, and she sent my call to voicemail. Twice. Little did she know, my management friend Kris was waiting for my call. He realized she chose to ignore them, as a result he came all the way to my house, apologized for the inconvenience and asked me to sign some papers. He went on to make excuses for her, saying how "crazy" things were in the office, and how is hard to keep track blah blah blah. I now understand exactly what was happening in from of me,  he knows how disrespectful she is , it's just not much he can do about it. He is too busy doing his job properly to even care. I can't even begin to comprehend why she's still working there  if it CLEARLY makes her a miserable shrew to sit there all day.  Seriously, if you hate your job so much that you have to be rude to a woman you don't even know to make yourself feel better, please PLEASE quit. I didn't ask her to be apart of management of the development that I happen to live in. I've done nothing but respect and be polite with her since I moved here. Nonetheless shes shitty and she's okay with it. Apparently everybody else is too if they're continuously making excuses for her. It is perfectly fine if you're content in the hell that is doing something strictly for pay purposes, completely devoid of joy. If that truth does indeed apply to you or your situation, you have no one to blame but yourself. It is never okay to just be a jerk to someone who has nothing to do with the reason why the constant chip being carried around his wing heavily down on your shoulder. Some people really need to get it together. Whatever happened to doing your job with some damn decency?!

Peanut Butter and Jelly

There are two types of people in this world. The ones that thrived with  full-frontal, functional family support and the ones that survived through severe dysfunction and adversity. That's not to say that each individual person, in each individual family hasn't had their own custom-made struggle, because everyone's meant to. However,  the frustration and angst that comes with standard growth, normally nurtured by love of course, and the  disheartening pain that follows instability, loneliness and chaos are NOT one in the same. I'm learning though, that no matter where you fall in on the spectrum, you should be grateful for either situation.  Simply because,  putting aside the fact that no matter how shitty you may think your life is, there IS someone out there who has it worse than you, each of these upbringings are capable of cultivating very strong, driven overall wonderful human beings. If you come from a family full of love and support, then you've been conditioned from birth to love yourself, believe in yourself and know that no matter what, even if everything completely falls apart, your family has your back. That's pretty much as excellent as it gets, because you are whole-heartedly aware that you don't have to go through anything painful alone and you're going to make it through to the other side, relatively unscathed. Having unconditional love can get you through pretty much anything. On the other hand, if you come from a family full of dysfunction and chaos, although you may not have been conditioned from birth to believe in yourself, surviving on your own from young is condition enough. You already know that whatever comes your way you're going to demolish it. For no other reason than the fact that you've been demolishing obstacles your entire life, all by yourself. Sure it may hurt not to have that warm fuzzy feeling that being surrounded by your family gets you, but nothing beats the feeling of swelling pride, knowing that you literally battle the worst situations, and have been knocked down too many times to count but you're still standing. That is a warrior's lifestyle. The greatest thing about the two types of people that come from these two very different lifestyles is that they usually find each other. Compliment each other. Help each other grow, help each other heal. Those who have grown with love can show the ones who haven't how good it feels to be accepted/cared about and reassure them that they won't be cast away again. Those who have grown having only themselves for support, can help their opposites adjust to "grown-up" life. Comfortably living responsibly, without the safety net running to their parents for every minor setback. I believe that these two groups need eachother to balance out every  crazy circumstance that life is capable of. They just fit well together, two peas in the same pod, like ying and yang, or Netflix and Chill.

Bulletproof Prayers

I need to write because if I don't write I will cry. Constantly. I follow a man on Facebook named Shaun King, he is very active in BLM Cause. Anything that I don't find out on my own, I usually hear about on his pages. I see a kindred spirit in his passion, and completely respect his sense of urgency. I went to bed relatively early last night because I didn't feel very well. It wasn't until today, that I saw what Shaun King posted last night. He put up a video recorded by someone else, of a black man being executed  by at least FIVE police officers in San Francisco. Naturally, there's a back story. Apparently, this man stabbed someone minutes prior to his execution and it was said that he still has the knife on him at the time of his murder. I've watched this video about a dozen times, searching for that knife. And nothing. Let me say, that if that man had really stabbed someone and still had the assault weapon in his possession then he wholeheartedly deserved to get arrested, and do some time in jail. Hurting people is wrong. That being said, they did not arrest that man, they did not try to non-brutally disarm that man. Those "Officers of the Law", killed that man. Multiple bullets were involved and it looked like smack dab in the middle of the day. As if they all got together and said "Hey guys, I'm bored, let's take a black man's life on our lunch break cool? Cool." Seeing it, hearing it, my  tears couldn't flow fast enough. To be completely honest with you guys what this man did alleged or otherwise, that point is moot now. It doesn't matter what he did NOONE DESERVES TO DIE LIKE THAT. Everyday civilians literally get more time in jail for being less cruel to an animal.( Yes, animal abuse is terrible too) The issue here is, this man was a human being and he was snuffed out as if somebody was getting a fee behind his last breath or something. What the actual hell? This happened YESTERDAY. I just laid my eyes on it today.  The wound is so fresh for me that I haven't gotten this black man's name yet. I didn't have the time, I was already mourning before I saw the end of the video. That's the saddest realization of this world today, you don't have to know names, back stories, or even ages at this point. The sadness doesn't end. And I wish these politicians would stop offering up their prayers. It's not that I don't believe in God, because even though I'm nowhere near religious, I still believe that a higher power is involved with my journey. So it's not the offering of the prayer that's the problem, it's giving the prayer as a blatant substitute for absolute nothingness. These politicians and authority figures are giving prayer because they refuse to do or offer anything of actual substance. I'm pretty sure I can speak for all my people when I say, unless these prayers are bulletproof, we don't need them we don't want them.

Mental Toddlers

I'm having a bit of a rough day today. I'm learning that not everyone you meet in this world, is going to be  kind.  I was a full blown adult this morning. I handled my responsibilities early in the day so I can reap the benefits of relaxing later. However, in the process of doing that,  I ended up compromising my immune system and now I'm suffering the consequences. I had to go to my management office to make sure everything that I needed to do was taken care of. I got there nice and early, and I saw one of the management ladies already there. So naturally I thought this would be easy trip, no nonsense and no waiting there for an obscene period of time. Boy, was I wrong. The management lady proceeded to watch me stand outside, in the cold, while she was inside drinking her coffee for about an hour. Its not like she didn't see me, or she wasn't focused. We made eye contact 6 times within that 45 minute span. I'm not exaggerating when I say my face was beet red, I was tearing and I had mucus building up in my nostrils. I know gross right, and she enjoyed the whole show. Eventually, the guy that I normally deal with showed up. He's always kind, very polite. When he saw my appearance, he was very concerned. He went on to ask me why I was standing outside for so long and when I made it clear to him that his co-worker had not let me in, the first thing she said to him was "I thought she had a key."  It was obvious to all of us, that she knew I did not live there. Otherwise, I would not have stood outside for longer than the mere second it takes to press my magnetic key to my own door. I never really understood why people act like jerks and then have the audacity to pretend they're not. What's the point in that, truthfully speaking? Is it fun? It boggles my mind really , if you're going to pretend that you're not the worst human being ever, obviously that means you have the good sense to be ashamed of yourself for being disgusting so why bother? Anyway, she hurt my feelings, and I'm probably going to be sick for the rest of the week. I didn't go crazy though, (in her face anyway) I didn't disrespect her or treat her like the ass she was. I just handle my business and left. Just amazing to me how some people never really mature, simply age, and then go on terrorize decent people for no reason with each passing year. Get a damn hobby!

School, Of Hard Knocks

I was doing  some hardcore reminiscing of my youth today, and I've come to an alarming conclusion.  One of the worst things any adult can do to a child is plague them with a double standard.  I'm not only referring to your run-of-the-mill boy/girl double standard either. Even though growing up with brothers, I was victim to a few of those, on more than one occasion.
Authority Figure: "Be home by 8:30"
Angsty version of me: "But Pooshie ( MY LITTLE BROTHER) has til 9:30"
Authority Figure: "Well Pooshie is a boy and a well behaved one at that"
Angsty version of me: * mumbles something rude and depressing under my breath for fear of getting slapped*
In my brother's defense, he WAS punished less than I was AND we're only two years apart, which is not that serious when you're 20 and 22, but it's a world away when your 13 and 15. Still though, that's only part of the whole double standard spectrum. The other part of the double standard disaster that I was subjected to was: children who acted up in school vs children who had their act together, aka me. Now don't get me wrong, I know NOW that the children who acted up just needed some tender love and care. They were the ones who just needed to be pointed in the right direction, so they can be reassured that they are doing, ultimately what is best for them in the long run. Trust me. I understand. Now. As a child, and even the younger part of my adolescent years, I couldn't for the life of me fathom WHYYY?!? Let me elaborate, when "bad kids" did HALF a worksheet they got credit for "trying" but when good kids like me did the entire worksheet we only received credit if the answer was actually correct. It was so crappy too, because if the class was math the answer was usually wrong, no matter the effort. It was the same way in a lot of group work we were forced to do. I HATED group work. With the passion of a thousand suns. Once again, the good kids working hard, pulling all the weight just for the sloth-inclined to put their name on it when it's all done. Do the good kids get recognized AND PRAISED for their hard work? Rarely. Yet they feel the "troubled kids" need a parade. Balloons included. When I used to go home and complain about this to my parents, all they would say is, "why do you need a reward for doing what you're supposed to do?" I swear, I used to get so blinding mad I would have to go in my room and close the door. This double standard is BEYOND poisonous for the youth of today. Not only because it is unfair, but because it messes with the  self-esteem of the "good children" all the while condoning, coddling and stunting the potential progression of the "bad children." If you praise one group of kids and not another, or if you praise one group of kids differently from the other, one group is bound to feel like they are "not good enough." If you make excuses for and/or except behavior beneath the norm, while continuing to praise the completion of the bare minimum, then one group will never know real work ethic. In turn, making them ill-preped for the real world. Neither one of these situations it's healthy for the adolescent mind, as adults we must stop, analyze, and find a new healthy system to this learning thing. Before it's too late to do anything about it.

Accessories

I had such a lovely Thanksgiving weekend. I had the chance to relax, laugh, and most importantly stuff my face with two of the people I love most in this world. Best of all, I had the chance to bring in my first holiday in my new home. I can honestly tell you there is no one more grateful than I, for the pure blessings that I have received this year. Although it started off as a rough one, I can see now that it's ending strong. Only to prepare me to bring in 2016 even stronger. I am super excited. Not to say that this year hasn't had its trials and tribulations and I'm sure I will experience way more next year, but I am estatic nonetheless. Having love in my life,  romantic and otherwise, has helped me become equipped for whatever comes my way. I'm stoked for the holidays, and I know I'm way too old to believe in Santa but I know I'm going to have a jolly Christmas this year. I woke up this morning feeling amazing. Wait I don't get to express that often so I'm going to write that again: 
I woke up this morning feeling amazing.

Not only that, it wasn't just a fleeting feeling. I felt amazing ALL DAY. And it showed. I was smiling, I took pictures and I even played with a little makeup.  Everybody knows  I'm usually on team fresh-faced 24/7 but I was feeling sassy. Honestly there's nothing in the whole world better than reconnecting with your TRUE loved ones because they remind you of the best qualities within yourself. When you remember how awesome you are it is so easy to just carry it around with you, like a really pretty scarf or a gorgeous purse. And it is definitely true that when you feel down it's easier said than done to pull yourself up. However, there is no harm in getting a helpful, loving, sometimes blunt reminder that You ARE the shit. No if ands or buts about it. The really great things, like love, happiness and inner beauty never go out of style. Confidence, no matter how difficult it can be to maintain sometimes, is your best accessory. Next to a FABULOUS lipstick that is...

Toi d'abord (You, First)

I would be lying if I said I didn't have things in my life that I  wish I could have done differently. Everyone has a situation or two that just went completely  left. There is absolutely no shame in acknowledging that we are imperfect. I'm starting to learn that it's not really  the 'being perfect' moments that count, it's how you salvage things AFTER the proverbial shit has hit the fan. It's all about how you mend what you may have damaged, and the effort you take and being a better person going forward. Humans come with tempers, tears and sometimes just straight disrespect, but some of these humans, we actually really love. As awesome as it would be to just forget about everyone who ever hurt you and just live your life never caring, it's impossible. Everyone cares about someone, even they don't even know it yet. On the other side of the spectrum though, if one has tried on numerous occasions to make things right, only to get consistently shunned, then they have all right to let go. I believe many people thrive on longevity and blood relation to hurt others without consequence. You may have known someone for a long time, or you may be related to someone and they may be someone you truly care for, but if you have done all you can do Stop Doing It. If you made a mistake and you were woman or man enough to apologize and they are not ready to forgive you yet, it is no longer your job to hold on to the situation. Especially, if you apologized and you don't even think you did anything wrong. Blood or otherwise you don't owe anyone anything because at the end of the day you did not ask to be here. And by here I mean on this earth. I hate that people say "oh you only get one set of parents", "you only get one true love", "you only get one best friend." Golden Rule: treat people how you would like to be treated. Nothing more nothing less. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not going to sit around and beat myself up, beg people to be in my life, and beg people to come see me. Not me. It's not about pride, it's about self worth. You are worth way more then having to beg somebody for their company, having to beg somebody for forgiveness when you've done your part. I rather have endless nights by myself then to plead for anybody, family or otherwise to be in my life. It took me a long time to realize that. Seriously though, we as people have to love ourselves more than that. To bring my point home even further, everyone knows that it's not blood that makes you family either. Blood has nothing to do with kinship. As a person, who is fully invested in his or her own happiness, go where the positivity is. If you don't want to deal with your biologicals because they make you miserable, you do NOT have to. Be free to live your life the way you want to. No apologies. Be the best version of yourself, the way only you can. Go wherever your face lights up. You owe noone, not one explanation. Find joy whatever you can get it because THAT is what counts the most when all is said and done. Carpe diem.

LBGTQIssues

I had a very interesting talk with a good friend of mine today. It started off as per normal, jokes, memories, all that fun stuff. We  discussed celebrities and claimed different ones as "ours", completely content with our delusion. Shortly after, the conversation had taken a really weird turn. My good friend, someone who I've known for quite some time proceeded to say
" You know, I just don't get it, not one bit"
Utterly confused, I asked her what on earth she was referring to. She'd cut me off while I was in the middle of gushing over B.J. Britt a.ka. "PJ" via 'Being Mary Jane'(I ADORE his bald chocolate self). Anyway, I waited for a response but she just sucked her teeth.  By that point I was getting fustrated, so I sternly told her to spit it out. I will say, I was not uyprepared for what came next. Which was this:
"You bisexuals really gross me out sometimes, I don't know how y'all can sit and gush about penis one minute, and then say how sexy a girl is the next. Y'all just can't seem to make up your minds, probably cause y'all greedy"
I was so stunned, that I kind of started laughing. I was hoping she would tell me she was being playful so we could continue our conversation. Unfortunately though, she was dead serious. Did I mention my good friend is a lesbian? No,right? What is that anyway? What's the deal with some lesbians being so judgmental about bisexual girls? Funny enough, that's the same question I posed to my friend. And her response was
"I call it how I see it"
From that moment on, I was pissed. First off, quick question, who gives anyone the right to judge anyone based on their sexual preference? I don't know what it is with some lesbians,  note I said SOME NOT ALL but some are really intense about that. As if me being attracted to both women AND men is a direct attack against "lesbianhood." Clearly me enjoying men the way I enjoy women, is a precise and deliberate insult to all the gay women that have a problem with it. No. Just no. Like not even a little bit. To be honest, I could care less what anyone else thinks. Still though, it's levels to this, which is what I went on to tell my friend. I calmly reminded her that the same way she's judging bisexuals for being attracted to both genders, is the same way a lot of heterosexual, not-so- liberal people, judge her for being a lesbian. Even though I was speaking calmly, I was more than through with the conversation, so I politely said my goodbyes. After digesting and analyzing how I felt about the situation, I  vented to another one of my friends ( who coincidentally, is also lesbian). Yes, I too am thinking that I know ALOT of lesbians.  Moving on. Not surprisingly, she was equally judgmental about her stance on bisexuality.  I asked her why and her response was, I kid you not:
"I just prefer to date other lesbians, it's really gross to put my mouth where a penis has been. That's nasty to me"
That completely blew my mind, for more than one reason. Not to air out anyone's laundry, but I haven't written her name so its okay. This is the same lesbian, that openly expresses the joy of, how should I put this gently, "eating booty like groceries" No exaggeration. According to her, there's no shame in her game. And you know what, that's totally okay. Whatever rocks your boat is what you should do. That being said, you don't hear me saying " oh you should never be allowed to kiss people, when you come to my house you're going to have your own special plate and fork.  I can't bear the idea of eating off of the same plate as someone who enjoys licking around someone's anus." Like seriously, grow up.  We are all grown, we all do freaky things in the bedroom(I hope) and we all have our preferences as to who we do them with. That does not give anyone the right to disrespect or say anything insulting anyone else. There's the lovely invention of soap and toothpaste, and guess what, water's free!! So, we as human beings, can scrub all those icky germs away BEFORE we do anything sexual with the next person we may choose. Awesome, right? I truly think some lesbians think that because they are part of the community  they  have a free pass to be hateful. Well I'm here to let everyone know THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!! Be hateful if you want to and you will find yourself, by yourself. We as a whole, have fought so hard to be seen as actual people, with actual feelings by people from the outside looking in. Being hurtful, and cruel and judgemental within our own safe space, why would you want to be counterproductive? If we can't respect each other, why should anyone else even consider getting to know what we're about? If no one is considering, growth is stunted and we've come too far to be back at square one. For real.

Great Expectations

There's a severe increase  of wonderful individuals out there feeling insignificant.  People are down in the dumps based off the actions or reactions of someone else. Too many warm-hearted do gooders, go above and beyond for people who won't even do the bare minimum for them. The real tragedy though, is not the fact that most people do things in this world without getting the proper recognition. Or even the fact that the person one pulls out all the stops for, doesn't value them enough to do the same. The part of this whole crappy cycle that hurts the most is: Expectation. People do nice things for each other, they EXPECT gratitude. A person can treat their significant other like art in human form, that person EXPECTS the same treatment in return. One can sacrifice his or her whole life to ensure the growth and happiness of all that he or she loves, EXPECTING nothing less than excellence and joy, only to be sorely heartbroken later down the line. I've learned the hard way this past week, just because something is EXPECTED does NOT mean it is guaranteed. Two great conceptualizations people tend to misconstrue, which often results in crippling disappointment. There are two definitions to the word expectation, they're both essentially saying the same thing;

ex·pec·ta·tion/ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

Either way, that translates into someone being highly upset when they allow their emotional well-being to be tied to what someone else may or may not do. To be perfectly honest, that is FAR from the way things should as well as NEED to be. Once again, how you treat a person is not gauranteed to have any impact on the way they treat you. Sad but true.  One can not control person's  actions towards them anymore then they can control the weather. The faster everyone realizes this, the less watery eyes and mopey faces there will be.

Boo! Taboo?

I don't feel well today. For a number of reasons actually, but one of these reasons will last me another four to  six days.  Technically, I'm already on day two so it'll be like, three to five days. If you haven't caught on by now, I'm on my period. Now I know there's some people out there already scrunching their face up. But that's a part of my issue, the world's issue in general. We live in a world, where it's okay to watch TV and listen to music that constantly  and BLATANTLY shows naked females and brags about disrespecting them. Ridiculously  boasting about making money and having lots of fantastic rich people sex, but aknowledging and discussing menstruation is going a step too far. How the hell does that make sense? Is it because one is less sexy than the other? Does it turn men off to think about the women that they want to bed,  bleeding for a week, once a month? You know what, its not only the men either. There are some very deluded and childish women out there who commend and condone men making menstruation a hushed topic. Those are the same type of woman who WHISPER when they ask for a pad or tampon in a public bathroom. I'm sorry but what are we whispering for, exactly? Are we committing a crime? Are we gossiping? Is menstruation NOT a part of everyday life? No?  I must have missed that memo. All I know is, I bleed. Sometimes heavily, sometimes lightly, sometimes when a month has 31 days, I'll bleed twice, just to make sure we have all the bases covered. On occasion, when I'm really stressed, I won't bleed at all. Eventually though, and naturally so, the blood will ALWAYS return. Is it fun? Hell no. Especially when you experience pain like mine. Aches, bloating, fatigue, nausea, (that very well can lead to vomiting) and cramps. Cramps that are out of this FUCKING world. It is nowhere near enjoyable, probably the last thing ever I will want to do, right up there with dying a very violent death and eating bodily waste. It sucks. But that doesn't make it any less a part of life. Menstruation is natural. Menstruation is NOT taboo. Menstruation is not stopping, hiding or going anywhere. Accept it, respect it, cope with it, deal with it. Seriously. It's not 'Silence of the Lambs' remix or something. We as women, had sex all month, and we didn't get pregnant. Yay, for some of us, better luck next month for others. Our uterus lining, also known as, the little nest where the baby was supposed to be, is SHEDDING. Congratulations Ladies and Gentlemen, women's bodies work the way they are supposed to. All together now, YAAAAAAAAY!!!!! Menstruation is as natural as moving your bowels. Everyone shits, right? A person would be quite odd and probably dead, if they didn't. Women are  soooo amazing and super spectacular  because we can do BOTH. Simultaneously!!!!! Chew on that.

The "Special" Blues

As children, we were told  that being unique is the best thing you can be. Whenever one begins to feel out of place, or like we're about to make a complete mess of things, the first thing any adult tells us is " just be yourself". I guess that's fine when you're prepubescent and trying to get your first crush to notice you. Or possibly doing your very best to  not be the only girl sitting by herself at the sleepover. To be honest though, being unique, being different is not as easy when you become all grown up. It's days like today where I just find myself feeling incredibly lonely.  Although I've found many wonderful things to be grateful for, sometimes it feels like my "uniqueness" and everything that makes me different from everyone else is more of a burden than a blessing. It is hard to be twenty-two, for any twenty-two old really. It's like that weird place where you know you're not a kid anymore, but you still feel like one because no one legitimately sees you as an adult yet. Probably because every time you speak to an ACTUAL adult they call you a baby. Babies who have to pay bills and be responsible and all that other crap that teenagers don't have to deal with. But hey at least we can drink now, well...legally. Still, it's pretty much a bumpy ride for everyone between the ages of 21and 28. ( Let's face it by 29 you should have your shit together, and if not, Shame On You!! No I'm kidding.😊 Kind of.) It just really sucks sometimes though, things are already hard enough because I'm in my twenties. Having physical hinderances, is like adding insult to injury. I know, I know I'm supposed to be positive and think about all the great things I have in my life and my life IS indeed wonderful. It just gets really hard sometimes, because being different can be very isolating, Cerebal Palsy and pain from breast mass is no cakewalk. Sometimes, it can feel like there's no point in being in my twenties if I can't live life the way I want to. Being an idiot, having fun, making memories and finding myself is what its all about. It seems I can't even do that peoperly alot of the time. These days, I find myself by myself with only a fever or presistant nausea/body aches to accompany me. I'm not going to go into the gory details because I'm not in the mood to gross myself out. However, I do know that being "different" and "special" and "brave" and "unique" in your 20s is not all its cracked up to be. All I can do is be happy I made it this far and hope for easier days ahead. It seems to be the only choice I have.

Woman Of the Year...

Boy, do I feel a way this morning 😠. First let me say, everyone who knows me, knows by now that I am a PROUD member of the LBGTQI community. I always have been and always will be. Along with advocating for and promoting Black Consciousness I also advocate for LBGTQI rights, as well as the rights for the disabled. For no other reason than I AM all three categories, and all three categories fit under the minority umbrella.  I just needed to make that clear before I say what has me full of fury so early in the morning. Okay, so apparently Caitlyn, formerly known as Bruce, who I have totally and completely advocated for in the past, had a conversation with Ellen (who is completely my BAE in my mind). During that conversation Ellen asked him about his feelings, and where his mind was now that gay marriage is legal in all states. Now I'm assuming, that Ellen, like a reasonable human being, thought he was going to say something along the lines of "Wow, this is so great, completely over the moon for my community" or at least some smiling variation of that. Unfortunately though, Ellen and I were both dead WRONG. This fool said something along the lines of " I feel like men should marry women and women should marry men, no offense to the gay community but I just believe in traditional values". I'm paraphrasing obviously, but the traditional values part I took directly from Jenner's mouth. Point number one, correct  me if I'm wrong, but there is nothing traditional about being in the LBGTQI  community. That's why we've had to jump through all these hurdles to get a piece of equality now. Secondly, how dare you Caitlyn! Show up to NYC's Pride and party like you're family but you don't even really support what we were advocating for. I have some straight as an arrow friends that would slap dogshit out of you for the fuckery you had the nerve to say out loud. Ellen even said in her own interview that she could sense the homophia Caitlyn had while sitting on her damn couch.  Like really? For real? LASTLY, and this is the part that I know everyone's going to dread, and everyone's going to have a fit about but it's MY opinion and I'm entitled. In my humble opinion, this is just another example of white privilege.  No,  I'm not being too righteous, just hear me out. Before I blogged about this, I wrote a status on Facebook  basically saying being transgender and homophobic does not mesh well. I actually wrote "BITCH WHERE?" but that's neither here nor there. I went on to comment underneath my own post and tag my equally black concious sister-friend to share and explain why this is yet another blinding example of white privilege at the forefront. I wrote;

"THIS RIGHT HERE, IS WHITE PRIVLEGE YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE ONLY A WHITE MAN CAN LIVE HIS WHOLE LIFE AS A MAN GET RICH  BECOME A WOMEN GET A T.V. SHOW TALK TO ELLEN AND SAY "I JUST  FEEL LIKE  ONLY MEN AND WOMEN SHOULD BE MARRIED BECAUSE IM TRADITIONAL THAT WAY"

IF LAVERNE WENT ON ELLEN AND SAID THIS BULLSHIT SHE WOULD BE SHUNNED BY THE LBGTQI COMMUNITY AND KILLED LIKE MOST BLACK TRANSGENDER WOMEN ARE THESE DAYS NOT OUT HERE GETTING WOMAN OF THE YEAR WHEN YOU AINT EVEN BEEN SHOOTING IN THE GYM FOR A FULL 365...

SMMFH."

Ganted there was a truck load of the ebonics in there, but I think most of you can get the gist. It's not even like I'm hellbent I'm making it a 'race thing' (whatever the hell THAT means) . It's just that I don't have to MAKE anything because it already IS. No way in HELL Laverne Cox could get away with saying something like that. Not while still having supporters, still being rich, still making money, still being on TV. Not even a little bit, her whole life would be over. I'm not even going to touch the fact that Caitlyn hasn't even been a woman for a full year before accepting an award for the upstanding version of that very thing. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING upstanding about a person, I don't care WHAT they choose to identify as, who plays the ROLE of being apart of our community.  To rapidly gain supporters, advocators (like I once was)  and a judgement free zone, only to CLEARLY SHOW they don't care about anyone but themselves. Whoever that may be. People like that deserved to be exiled from the radar. Quick, fast and in a hurry.

Definitions

My weekend was both relaxing and productive. After giving my place a thorough cleaning, getting laundry done, and going food shopping, I was able to get in my bed and do a bunch of nothing. Surprisingly enough though, that wasn't the highlight of my weekend. The highlight of my weekend came in the form of an epiphany. After a conversation that was initially had to help someone else understand their life's passion, a few very important things became clear to me. It dawned on me, that everyone we've ever met or are going to meet has different ambitions. Therefore, there are very diverse individual meanings to the word  'success'. I can't help noticing, that there's some unspoken rule book on what qualifies a person to be successful and what doesn't. I'm sure it has something to do with going to college AND finishing and THEN getting some six-figure paying job AND sharing it with everyone you know for validation. Don't get me wrong, knowledge is key. Do I think college is the only way to get that knowledge? No. Please don't misconstrue, the mere notion of making six figures, that would be amazing to anyone. Being rich however, won't necessarily increase fulfillment. If a person wants to go to college, by all means, I think they should go and be amazing. Skyrocket that GPA, but only if that is where one's personal, soul crafted idea of success leads them. Don't do something because someone else says it's what should  be done.  That right there,  is cardinal rule number 0.5. Some people in our lives know us really well , but can make us feel like they've never had an actual conversation with us, not one day in our lives. Especially when they say things like "oh wow, you're so smart, why are you wasting your time doing this when you could/ should be doing ( fill in the blank)". Things like that seriously make me want to bang my head into a wall. Repeatedly. What kind of passive aggressive support is that? It would almost be funny, if it wasn't  real life thing. What people need to realize is, a person can do something that people don't even consider a "real" career. They can make seven cents a day doing it, and I PROMISE it wouldn't make not one difference in the world, if it made them feel good being apart of it. Feeling whole, warm, and happy inside is priceless. The best part of that is, one would feel so awesome, that the validation is weaved within the day's work. They won't need to hear how great they are, or how good they're doing from somebody else because the way they feel will show that they know that. Honestly, it's really all in the  way the word 'success' is perceived in the eye of a lone beholder. No one else will ever have the right to force change on someone else's visions, and thank goodness for that.

Murky

I thought he was dead, and I have never been so scared in my life. Wait, wait let me  backtrack. I woke up on the absolute wrong side of the bed today. Been in a bit of a funky mood since last night. After some good old fashioned pep from my best friend, I was essentially told to do my best to cheer myself up and maintain. So naturally, I put my best foot forward, literally and figuratively to sway my mood  in a happier direction. Took my morning walk around the block, meditated and took a nice hot shower. I'm not going to lie to you, it helped a little but not as much as I needed. So I went to one of my second favorite things in the world; food. I heated up some broccoli in a cheese sauce and some chicken tenders, it was quite tasty if I do say so myself. Like I was sure it would do, my full belly soothed my emotional angst. Just as I felt my day was finally looking up, I realized that Bae took her Beats to work and neglected to inform me where she put the red Sony headphones that I use when I don't have them. I'm looking around trying to find them so I can peacefully slip into a musical coma, all to no avail. Then I thought to myself, 'she probably left them on her gaming area, next to Billy.' If you don't know by now, because you don't pay attention to my Facebook or Instagram or whatever, Billy is our contraband turtle. I mean technically we're turtle sitting  but you know, tomato-tomahto. We're not supposed to have him anyway. No pets allowed. I wish that wasn't true though otherwise I would have a little dog running around me or something, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway ,I went to go look and see if the headphones were where I thought they were, they werent. But before I could really notice that, I saw that Billy wasn't moving not even a little bit.  Now his water was a little murky, so I tried to do my best to remain calm.  I had fed him early this morning, like seven-thirty, and his tank was due for a cleaning that I didn't want to give because touching amphibians creeps me out.  I tapped the side of the tank closest to the fake palm tree, the way I usually do and said "Hey  Dolla Billz!!" Nothing, not even a wiggle. It was at that particular point, that I started full-blown freaking out. My eyes were welling up and everything. It wasn't until I picked up his tank and brought him into the bathroom, that his head slowly crept out of its shell. I had never been so happy to see such beady eyes. The whole time I thought he was dead, when in reality he was just taking a nap. The feeling of relief consumed me. So much so, that I took him out and gave his tank a nice rinse and refill. Now, Billy is happily swimming around, fully fed, in his new clean water.  I didn't realize until just now, but Billy really helped me. Even though my mood is still a little sour, today I learned there are worse things. After all, the only thing that's worse than touching a smelly amphibian, is touching a dead one. Thanks Billy.

The Weapons.

I learned something today , and based off what I learned I feel the need to address the other side of my previous post. I'll divulge on what I mean by that in a second, I promise. Right now, I need to make sure that everyone who bothers to read  this understands this one very important thing. Everything I wrote yesterday, I meant wholeheartedly. My mindset, my emotions,  my way of life is completely infused and built-in the premise of being a mentally and socially aware artist blessed enough to be cognizant within myself. In hand, with being grounded and steadfast  in the black concious agenda and advocating for the rights of what society considers to be the "lesser than" and "abnormal". Always have been, always will be. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I can expand on what my lesson of the day is. Today I learned, there is a such thing as being TOO righteous. Now before anyone goes and bites my head off, let me elaborate. Yesterday I wrote about how there's a New Age Civil Rights Movement upon us. And there is. However, I think people who claim to be kindred spirits to me, like minded, "for the cause" are using the aforementioned devastation to condone, spread and follow their own deluded purposes. Listen people, you cannot solve racial dysfunction based off hatred and fear with MORE hatred and fear. That kind of defeats the purpose. You can not say I hate the media because of the way it portrays black people but then turn around in the SAME SENTENCE and use it to justify an equally racist or stereotypical jargin about white people. We all know media is not objective, THAT is white privilege. THAT BEING SAID  siding with the media to make a  lopsided, hole-filled, truth absent point about another race that is not your own is not okay. EVER.  WE don't like it when it's done to us, why return the favor? We are too grand a people and too valuable a generation to sink to the levels of Supremacy. WE are supposed to rise above all that evil.  I'm going to need everyone to get it together. You do not put out a fire with more fire. Being overtly biased, and half baked with a side of petty racist doesn't make you 'about'or 'down for' anything. Wise up, people! Knowledge, Respect and Overall Awareness are the most pivitol things in a black person's arsenal right now. Do better.

Civil Rights Movement, The Sequel

Ever have those days, where you feel like you have to do something, anything or you'll lose it? I've been feeling like that for a while now. I'm already aware that it's based on the helplessness I feel for my generation and for the mindset of the youth. Most importantly though, I feel this unwavering, mentally consuming, jagged, breathtaking pain for my fellow people of color and myself truly. You know, it just boggles my mind really, because as a teenager I can remember being so righteous. I was so completely adamant about my beliefs and the things I would do, and the way I would behave if I lived in a different time, in a different era. My grandmother, she was totally about it, reppin' the B.P.P.  all through her youth. Granted, I don't know how far that actually went for her, but I was told from numerous elderly that if you were black back then, you were down. And through school, I prided myself on saying things like " Man, if I were born a little bit earlier, I would be right with Malcolm shutting shit down!!" Obviously I realized, you can't really say what you would do.  Or how you would feel for that matter, in such a situation jam packed with devastating crisis until it is smack dab in front of you. Like right now. We are living, well barely, but we are living through the New Age Civil Rights Movement. There has been so much death in this one year alone. No let me get this right, so much black murder it's literally unprecedented.  And I really don't want to hear about black-on-black crime, and how it shouldn't be a big deal because "black people kill each other everyday." Excuse my French, but fuck that shit! Let's keep it real here people, the deaths we have endured from white privilege and white supremacy this year ON IT'S OWN is  unparalleled to the loss we see from the black on black crime everyone LOVES to spitball about. In my short life, I have mourned harder this year than any other year before me. Was I related to any of these people? No. Did that even fucking matter? No. Because even one loss that way, is one loss too many. As I read and watch the consistent massacre of my people I can just feel the lack of faith pouring in and the lack of love taking hold. Especially in Missouri, right now. Tears fall, as I can only imagine the sound of hundreds even thousands of brown skinned covered hearts shattering. And even though I am dripping in prayer, filled with angst and banking on better days right now, all I can say is this ;

My Melanin Soldiers, in Missouri, and worldwide really,  you have ALL my love. Those afflicted with white privlege and supremacy will try to put us in the ground, we are seeds, we will flourish. They will try to destroy our bodies ,thinking they can silence our spirits they  are wrong.  Be clear my loves, We are living in the New Age Civil Rights Movement and just like our predecessors before us we Will get knocked down only to rise again. Strength is infused with every shade of our beautiful race. It is our Birthright. ✊✊✊

Not in the Sandbox

I feel like this past week has been a rough one for me. I feel like those closest to me see me as the antagonist in my own life story. I honestly think though, that people are confusing "rude" "evil" or just straight up mean , with me being honest. Now I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that requires a person to be a bastard about everything they say, you know, like the whole "no offense but..." thing, but there are indeed levels to this shit.  Excuse me for making my point so bluntly but, I am a grown ass woman. As an adult in 2015,  ANYONE absolutely has the right to give not one fuck if they don't see fit. Point Blank Period. It's so strange to me too, that people get all offended, and all in a tizzy because others are choosing to be real with who they are and stand by what they believe. When did it start being okay to be a fraud? When did it start being okay to judge others and throw stones, when the same one's judging are making the biggest messes with their lives? Who the hell give anyone permission to tell anybody how to live, what to say  and what kind of person to be? Noone. And at this point, because we're all grown up now, if you don't like how I am then don't fucking talk to me! If you don't like how I handle things, stay away from me. People come into eachother's life to teach us things we can grow and learn from. They can affect us positively or negatively that choice relies on the individual and the individual alone. Either way, as much as you may love someone, nothing in this world is permanent. The same way someone  can be warmly welcomed into your life is the same way they can exit, and just as fast.  Let me reiterate, we are grown, it's time to put on our big girl panties and our big boy boxers and begin the journey of treating ourselves as such. We are now responsible for ourselves. That doesn't only apply to doing laundry, making sure you eat and paying a cell phone bill. That applies to emotional well-being and mental stability as well. No one is going to put anyone on time out for you. No one is going to hold your hand , no one is around to make you kiss and makeup with a person. The choice is  wholeheartedly yours. One has to love themselves enough to know what role each individual is playing in their life. Who is the pestilence, and who is the sunshine? Who are you stressing over and why? Differentiating longevity versus quality in friendship or any relationship for that matter, can be the difference between a life full of pain and a life full of joy. People often confuse longevity with quality, and those are usually the ones who aren't grown up yet. Just because you've known somebody for a long time doesn't mean they've positively affected you in a long time. You can know somebody your whole life and  since the day you met them they've brought you nothing but grief. How is that okay? How is that healthy? The answer is, it's not. Letting someone judge you based on what you believe is your personal truth, be it your morals,  religious beliefs, or sexual orientation, when did that become acceptable? Not sure? That's because it isn't. Step off of the playground, and into the real world because no one is going to look out for you better than you can.

The Value Of Shock

Today was all about reinvention for me, or at least I thought so at first. I woke up wondering what I wanted to be, and how I was going to convey the person that I believe that I am. I still don't have full clarity on those things, but I'm getting there. What I did know was, if you feel like you look good on the outside, that is a healthy and positive way to heal the negativity you may feel on the inside. Naturally, that led to a mini makeover of sorts. So I dyed my short natural cut. I'm happy about it. Now that I think of it, I'm actually pretty fearless when it comes to changing my hair. Probably because my motto is "hair is hair and it'll grow back". To be completely honest, that's probably why I change it so much. My hair is the one thing in my life that I was never really afraid to lose control over. My hair is where I feel the most free. Even if something were to go wrong, or I don't agree with the style or the color, I can just chop it off and start anew. I know there's something poetic in there somewhere. There's something really liberating about trying something new, making the conscious choice to be different in order to make yourself better or to remain true to who you already are. I've always believed there was something painstakingly wonderful hidden in the essence of surprise. Quite funny actually, my thought process as of now. I'm thinking, one  never really knows how much of a person's morals and beliefs go into the tiny little changes they make. So something as small and seemingly harmless as a makeover, or new hairdo can literally be the basis , the very foundation of someone's emotional anatomy. So doing the unexpected, delighting in the ambiguity of things,can truly be what drives a person to become a much grander version of what they ever believed they can be. I mean I'm no expert, so I can't really say for sure, and I could be reaching but then again, maybe not.

Found.

I  haven't blogged in a while because when you mask fear and overwhelming sadness with what you are taught to believe is unwavering "black woman" strength, you become uninspired. I've been sad. And quiet about it. What's worse is, I honestly thought I was exuding ferocious balance. But I was wrong. The word I was looking for was depression.  Last night, it hit me like two ton bricks, I am not built to hold all my pain inside. I am not obligated to pretend to be happy or strong when I feel polar opposite. Why does the burden of strength seem to only befall those with heavy hearts and tendons swollen with despair? I've come to realize that I don't give myself enough credit for being me. And I should. We all should. With heady thought, it came to me,we are expected to go through life with our head held high, grateful for all that we have and nothing else. Not to say that we  shouldn't be more than grateful for all the wonderful opportunities life bestows upon us, however, we also need to take time to recognize that surviving life is no easy feat. For me personally, life can get taxing to say the least. I'm in constant pain, and sometimes I get low realizing that on top of the breast pain that my masses cause,  there will never be a day in my life that I don't have Cerebral Palsy. It hurts my heart most days, that no matter how smart I am, no matter how "beat" my face is or how "on fleek" my nails are, I will still be a disabled girl on the surface. Even more so, it sucks that  disabled individuals don't even get recognized as ACTUAL PEOPLE who live happy functioning lives. We party, fall in love and have really great sex. Honestly, it's hard to fake happy and ignore that I resent the blatant ignorance "normal" people choose to exhibit. Especially with the growing trend of using people with disabilities as the pun to jokes that shouldn't exist in the first place. It gets rough. Overall, this epiphany has made me understand that pushing the sorrow down and choosing to drown in it is not a testament of strength, it is an omen of the beaten down, the detriment of the lost. Lucky for me, and all of us really, life doesn't stay in the same moment forever and our neither do our emotions. We will have pain, that's a given, but if we fight the natural urge to contain it all, with the false pretense that we are being warriors, joy is just an open heart away.

Brand New.

Just the other day, I purchased a sort of inspirational wall plaque that says "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." At first, the plan was to give it to my dad on Father's Day as a token to keep his head held high in the face of adversity. But then I thought about it and considering everything I've been through these past few years, that plaque is kind of a mantra specifically designed to apply to my life. Or so it feels. So I brought my dad something  else, equally beautiful, just more tailor fitted to him. If you don't know by now, I'm moving in eight days. To a clean new development, in what I affectionately nicknamed, Brand New Brooklyn. Simply because, it's not the old, hardened part of Brooklyn where I was born and semi-raised. And even though I will forever adore and be grateful for, that Brooklyn, where I'm going now, it's never been lived in, never been tainted Brooklyn. A young woman like myself can appreciate something without taint, for once. Anyway,  my point for that Segway was, when I get to Brand New Brooklyn and I step into my taint free home for the first time, I will make it my business to put that plaque somewhere that I can see it everyday. It is not only a testament to my struggles but to my victories. Plus I'm pretty sure it's impossible not to feel like a winner in Brand New Brooklyn. The reason I even considered the plaque for my dad in the first place is because, my pride for him is through the roof as of late. As a man, he's going through his own personal trials and tribulations, and I'm not going to lie to you, for a while,  I was worried. But after seeing him yesterday, and seeing how bright eyes and funny and unwavering he is to his current situation just filled me with such a complete joy. It also reminded me that it is never too late for growth. And even though my dear dad is waaay passed his twenties now, to see him flourish like this, it's almost as if he's been reborn. I can only pray for balance for him now, for all of us really, that we, as a new version of family,  don't trip and stumble and fall back into the pestilence that made us feel choked, incapable and less than. I see now, that through our strength, we are all brand new. And that notion alone, against my probably wiser judgment,  fills me with the upmost hope, for what the future may send my way.

Ignorance Lacking Bliss

 I've been gone because quite frankly, I don't even know where to begin. Things have been so crazy lately. In the world, I mean. Why is it that  innocent fifteen year old black girls get treated with less respect by officer's of the law, than a twenty-one year old white man who murdered NINE people? Is it truly fair that Dylann Roof was "removed without incident"  but Dajerria Becton "warranted excessive force", I don't understand this. And even  AFTER time has passed on both of these events, all you get are excuses. They say that Roof, didn't know what he was doing when he opened fire on innocent strangers in a place of worship. They say that he has mental instability and shouldn't really be held accountable for his actions. Well, you know what I SAY, Bullshit, is what I say. He knew he hated black people, as much as he knew he had an evil agenda. Apparently he wanted to initiate a "race war", for the good of the "white race", that's a bigot if I ever heard of one. But you know what, yesterday I really got to wondering and analyzing a lot of what I see around me. How can we ever get the "majority race" to accept us if we don't even accept ourselves? And based of an enlightening conversation I had yesterday I posted something on Facebook that actually opened my mind to this blog post, it went like this:

"Why do minority (really majority) races TRIP when they find out they got some Black in their Blood?! I was telling my very proud latina associate that's she's black as well. She was like "no I'm latina, do i look black to you." I said LOL "look black? What does black look like we come in all shades honey. I'm latina too. Very much so actually, and it doesn't make me any less black" She was like "that's ignorant." I said "what's ignorant is being afraid of who you are, that's what people like Dylann Roof feed off of and its ignorant to to think that if any ONE of us 'minority based races' were in that church we wouldn't have been targeted as well
‪#‎GetItTogether‬ ‪#‎WereAllBlack‬ ‪#‎StopTheSelfHate‬ ‪#‎WereHatedEnoughAlready‬
— feeling annoyed."

Mind you, I didn't mean any harm to anyone when I wrote this. It's just interesting to see how we as a people say we're tired of being mistreated by "the white man" but how can we really ever gain peace and prosperity even we don't KNOW nor ACCEPT who we actually are. What people need to realize is if WE don't respect ourselves FIRST, men like Dylann Roof and Eric Casebolt will never understand why what they did and believe is WRONG. Therefore, forcing those nine lives and the life of Dajerria Becton, will have been irrevocably damaged in vain.

Nigger Bitch

Now anyone who bothers to be a civil, social, black rights advocate had better  be privy to what's going on in McKinney, Texas.  If not however, I will more than gladly fill you in. On June 5, 2015 at about 7:15  that evening officers front the McKinney Police Department including but not limited to the assaulting officer ERIC CASEBOLT "responded" to a call about "a disturbance" in the neighborhood at Craig Ranch North Community Pool. There was a party going on.  The neighbors called the police because they saw one too many minorities at that party. Of course in the statement released but McKinney P.D. they were "...multiple juveniles at the location, who did not live in the area or  have permission to be there, refusing to leave." THAT  is a JOKE if I ever heard one. It wasn't like they showed up in army fatigue throwing rotten eggs at the pool's entry way. In fact, the fourteen year old BLACK CHILD that Office Casebolt BODYSLAMMED was in a two pieced bathing suit. AND THE POOL PARTY ORGANIZER IS A YOUNG LADY OF COLOR, SO HOW EXACTLY WERE THEY UNWANTED THERE?  Not to mention she released her own statement saying there was "no reason for the police's actions." The question not being answered here is: Who were they "unwanted" by? Hmm. The real deal is, the white people next door saw too much color and from blatant racism, grew FEAR. Because honestly how much of a threat could a fourteen year old in a bathing suit be to a grown man with a gun? Yet they had to "execute force." What a load of heaping shit Not only that but in the video it CLEARLY shows an Officer of the Law drawing his LOADED GUN and pointing it in the faces of more innocent black children. Could we have had another Rekia Boyd or Trayvon Martin in McKinney on June 5th at just about 7:15 pm? ABSOLUTELY.  Mind you, Casebolt is on administrative leave as of today, but we all should know and understand WHY that is NOT ENOUGH. So naturally, as soon as I got the scripted words for the protest call, I did what I knew in my heart had to be done and dialed. Those who intend to call for the cause are supposed to say:

" Hello, my name is ________. I am calling to express my outrage at Officer Eric Casebolt's actions n June 5th while responding to a disturbance at the Craig Ranch North Community Pool. I am requesting the permanent removal of Officer Eric Casebolt from the McKinney Police Department. I am following this case closely and I am in contact with organizers who are prepared to organize in solidarity for the rights of those children,"

Seems simple enough, yes? NO. I called the first time and BEFORE I even got out the brutalizer's last name out I got hung up on. That's fine cause I'm resilient.  What's NOT OKAY is when I called the second time.  Just as I was about to say "and I am in contact with organizers..." A man's voice says Who's that? And the man who I was politely addressing on the phone who REFUSED to give me his name said. And I quote "JUST ANOTHER NIGGER BITCH." I had to pause. And pray. FAST. Because it took everything in my power not to veer from the script and lose my whole soul. Because he KNEW  my name. He wanted me to react, so when he went to do his job later, he had an excuse to hurt another black child. I am PISSED AND DISRESPECTED BEYOND BELIEF. But I did not give this evil man the satisfaction. I counted to five, took the deepest breath I could and started over. "Hello, my name is..." Dial Tone. I got hung up on. Again. Instead of losing my mind in my black rage, I opened my laptop and lifted my finger tips. Because as hurt and disgusted I feel about the blatant display of pure hatred and racism I experienced today, I am still going to share the McKinney story as well as my own with everyone that will bother to listen. I will not be silenced and neither should any of you.

Sheilds

I'm still a very young woman. I have so much more to learn in this lifetime. It recently dawned on me that my generation, and even more so the one after mine, find so many dangerous and derogatory things acceptable. Now I understand that society as well as the media softens the blow on many an occasion because what's most disrespectful is what is considered the sexiest on the screens today. And everyone knows that everything is about sales and or ratings. Some stuff though, I cant get with though it will never be okay for domestic abuse. Young men and women nowadays always think the solution to anger is to raise a fist. Not true, to be blunt if you aren't not grown enough to talk it out when things get rough you are not grown enough to be in a relationship. I will also never be okay with anyone who hasn't fully completed puberty dressing and talking and acting like they are of age. Not to say, that the young people of the world aren't allowed to express themselves but  there are disgusting people in this life who love to interpret what young children wear as a go ahead and disrespect me sign. We should all know by now that rape is never okay whether you are in a turtleneck and sweats, or pasties and heels. NOONE is ever ASKING for anything of that nature. To even apply as such, is pure ignorance. People are so busy being sensationalized that no one can even see clearly enough to see that our generation is being DESTROYED. We need to ban together as a community , scratch that, a COUNTRY and work overtime to protect and preserve our youth.

Way Up.

Hey loves, first and foremost I let a little time go by since my last post I'd gotten so caught up with celebrating my birthday (Thanks for the well wishes by the way) I had a blast. I'm my very short time of being twenty-two, I learned that it is no longer money that is the root of all evil. It is the many forms of doubt. Doubt can DESTROY a normally healthy person from the outside in. For a while there, I found myself doubting everything. My strength, my will to persevere, whether the things I so desperately needed were ever going to come my way. I wasn't quite sure whether I'd be able to exist in a world where evil people were CONSTANTLY winning and nice guys finished last because good things come to those who wait. And wait, and wait. Now though, I realize the actual issue with doubt. It's a  never ending  cycle because if you doubt yourself you never get anything done. And if you never get anything done, you'll continuously doubt if you even can. A special kind of prison. Lately though, I've been fortunate enough  to be on the other side of the spectrum. And boy is it wonderful, so many blessings. It's been amazing. And it's crazy because it,s so hard for most people to get out of the despair and doubt cloud to see the blessings that lie ahead. The fight through however, is beyond worth it. Don't give up.

Wine.

I've been so distracted. My birthday is coming and considering  everything  I've  been through this year and every year prior for that matter I am grateful. I have many goals to fufill and so many things to explore for my twenty-second year. I only hope that continue to grow and flourish into a wiser, nobler more self-assured young woman.  I am proud of all that I have accomplished thus far. I am not perfect, far from it actually.  But I do try to follow my heart, be kind to others and put my best foot foward with little regret. I often catch myself feeling angry and discontent about the parts of my journey  that are paticularly upsetting. Even though  I know every emotion is fleeting, these feelings tend to overwhelm  me. Forcing me to  deal with  feelings and emotions I tend to supress. All I ever want to do is be happy and  help my loved ones achieve the happiness they so desire as well. No matter what  happens to me, I want to be known for the love and joy I've left in the hearts  of those I cherish most. I realize that I love hard, hard but differently. I may  or may not love to the liking of everyone in my life but it doesn't take away from how I feel about them. All I can do is try. Because  all I am is human. Flesh and bone. Both easily destroyed. Is it not one's   moving body or beating heart that determines whether they are alive. It is the fighting spirit and bright eyed will that determines life. For that, when my heart does stop beating, I am destined to be immortalized by my sheer strength.  Along with a few other blazing souls I love and respect. My birthday is in six days. And I intend to celebrate wholeheartedly. Because obviously, like fine wine, I get better with age.

Pray.

I'm rocked to my core right now. I have a heavy heart and I need to express how I feel. These last couple  days I've been extra low energy so I didn't blog for fear that I don't give the best version of myself.  But this morning... I feel as though  I'll  never be the same person I  was yesterday morning and all the other mornings before. Today, I finally  gave myself permission to watch Fruitvale Station. This movie came out two years ago based on  the last hours of Oscar Grant. Oscar Grant was a black man whose life was brutality snatched away by San Francisco transit police on New Years Day,  2009. In 2009, I was sixteen. Young, and still very heavily grieving for Sean Bell,  another young black man who fell victim to power mad police. The loss of Sean Bell was in my city. New York. I had openly protested for  Sean only two years prior. He was blantantly slaughtered the year before that, just before Thanksgiving. Made me thankful for the air in my brother's  lungs that year. The wound this loss left behind was very deep. Watching the news and hearing about Oscar in 2009 made me miserable and afraid. Even more so because  Oscar Grant's murder at the hand of police was the first one, us kids could actually SEE. It was all over the Internet. And I refused to watch. Even after some of my equally disturbed friends told me how eerie and unmistakably evil it was. I was adamant  in my decision because I knew my sixteen year old heart was not ready for that type of pain. So of course, when Ryan Coogler's brilliant, chocolatey, directing self released the movie in 2013,  I didn't watch claiming that  at only 20, I still wasn't ready. Now two years later, less than ten days away from being the same age Oscar Grant was at his untimely demise, I allowed  myself  to be racked with grief as they pushed a bullet into his back. I let myself succumb to the inevitability of his last words. "He Shot Me, I Have A Daughter". I let myself be consumed by the tragedy. I let myself cry with reckless abandonment. It was in the middle of this despair that I realized I will NEVER be okay or "Ready" to see something so egregious,  not as long I'm part of humane minority. So feeling broken, I look up towards the ceiling,  and speak for the peace, not only in my soul, but for this world.

Beneath

Everyone has a  dating preference. And I'm all for interracial relationships, because I  firmly believe real and profound isn't about the color of one's skin. True untamed love, is about all the immensity underneath the skin, wherein the soul lies. In fact, If it wasn't  for my African American mother  taking an interest in my Hispanic father, I would not be here. So in my opinion, the blurring the "racial purity" lines, as some bigots call it, is a beautiful. There is nothing more wonderful  then the blending of cultures  to create one fully equipped, sound minded being. That being said, I read an article today. This article blew my mind to say the least. It was  about a black man's response to a white woman's  reasoning. Not just any reasoning either,  interestingly enough this woman  gave her honest to God belief as to why the african american man's  romantic interest leans more towards the white woman now more than ever. I have to say, I was blantantly offended. She made the argument that african american men prefer  white women  because black women are too angry,agressive and come with too much emotional baggage. And just as i was fit to burst with indignation and fury, this black man came to my rescue, as well as EVERY black women's rescue when he told his truth. His truth was eye opening a little objectifying but honest nonetheless.  He went on to state that black men go for white women  simply because they are more "docile." They are simpler, in the sense that placating them would be second nature. He also went on to say, that throughout the black man's history  white women were usually given sexual attention when the black women who chose to stay head strong put his hormones on ice. Now don't get me wrong, I found it a type of deplorable that his truth implied the USING of any woman as a consolation prize. We as WOMEN are not PLAYTHINGS  to be picked up and placed down at a mans choosing.  However, my other WE, the one that implies  unity as a BLACK WOMAN  felt a strong sense of pride that a black man can still recognized  the beauty in the virtue of a strong black woman. Because yes, black women can be angry, we can have baggage  and we don't ever just roll over and "Yes" every situation. We can be difficult. But beneath that, is strength.  And it's wonderful to have that strength defended.
P.S. The link to the article is below read it and form your own opinions.

http://ghanavibes.com/white-womans-opinion-black-women/

Grasp

It's the most peculiar quirks, the things that we go through in youth that stay with us for the rest of our lives. The habits we pick up formed from disobedience. One of the things  I hated most in youth was being told "No" Even as an adult, I don't take kindly to  being told that I can't have what I want. The interesting thing about being told No is the more one hears No the more they want Yes. The burning desire to have something doesn't disippate  once you are told you cannot have it only intensifies. There is something so much more attractive about the unattainable and witheld. It is even more nerve wrecking  when an individual  has the opportunity to have a taste of what they so crave, and enjoyed it so wholeheartedly only to be told they can no longer have it at a later date.  Being denied in that sense, is a special sort of suffering. It only  seems possible to lightly subdue such a terrible trial by fondly dwelling  on the last time the conveted object was in one's grasp. It is next to impossible to stop wanting something one has caught themselves salivating  over for quite some time. The more the object of desire is held away, the harder the pull towards said object can be. Unfortunately though, that is the gravitational way of human nature. We will always want. Severely. But it isn't guaranteed that we will receive. Even those who do have their way majority of the time are bound to fall in a big heaping pile  of No. And I'm sure with the roles reversed we can see that no one says No all the time either. With a happy peaceful middle  ground,  a decent balance can be preserved.