Hidden Under The Rocks.

Everyone deserves everything that they want in life. The most common misconception however, is that people can achieve these things completely and utterly alone. Not true. The greatest and most impactful accomplishments, as well as the best met desires are usually backed by a support system. Or at the very least, there's one other person involved to ease the weight of achieving such precious successes. Simply so that the stress of it doesn't fall solely on one pair of shoulders. I've noticed that people who tend to believe that they can do everything on their own are the ones who suffer most . Obviously, there will be times when we have to face the brutalness of the world alone. There will be times where we may not have backup, and we just have to dig our heels in and push. More than likely many of the things that hurt us we will have to face alone. Yet and still, even in the midst of surviving the solo battles we will have to derive straight from words of encouragement given to us by others. So technically, even when we are by ourselves, we aren't alone.  We have the notions, the morals and the mental citations of all whom we've been affected by. Not to be the bearer of  perpetually bad news, but people who tend to suffer through traumatic things completely on their own tend not to walk away from situations unscathed. If I'm being completely honest, I feel that more damage comes to a person from dealing with something alone more than from the "something" they're actually dealing with. Let me be clear, surviving hardship alone is completely and totally possible. Do I think it's wise? No. Do I think people underestimate the power and strength of a pair of sturdy shoulders to lean on? Absolutely. The strongest weapon in the support arsenal is love. I don't necessarily mean that in a romantic way, although I'm sure that helps. Still, love is in my opinion the greatest healer of all time. Depending on how many people one has in their support system, a person going through the most turbulent of times can come out on top.  Even when he or she cannot not persevere, love can. It does not make a person weak to admit they need someone. In fact, to admit to that type of vulnerability is where real strength exist to begin with.

Pride Can't Cuddle.

I have a legitimate question... what EXACTLY  is on the minds of some people when they let  pride get in the way of things that they actually want? Is pride really that much of a thing? I'm asking because I guess, in the basic human sense everyone has some pride. Still, why do some people go out of their way to let it make or break their relationships? I will never fully understand when someone says things like "my pride wouldn't let me say sorry" or "my pride is the reason why I played with 'so and so's'  emotions the way that I did" Like... what? I mean, I have pride too. I guess. I have pride in my ability to impact the world, pride in being a decent human being and pride in the achievements of all my loved ones. Yet and still, I would never sit and let pride hinder me from my path to happiness. I honestly feel like sometimes, people use their pride as an excuse to be cowardly, childish and pretty much an asshole. I don't know what life manual some people read from, but I'm sure nowhere does it state that it makes someone weak or "soft" to humble themselves. Even if it's just long enough to apologize, wholeheartedly listen or truly experience love from someone who actually goes out of their way to give it to them. It will always boggle my mind that there are people in this world who actively choose to lose the best thing that ever happened to them. Rather than putting their pride aside and working things out. Now this is not to be misconstrued as forgiving someone who's openly disrespected you and put you through emotional turmoil on more than one occasion. If you deem someone as toxic to your well-being and it doesn't look like they're intent on bettering themselves for their sake and yours, by all means DROP THEM. Being habitually harmful and being habitually harmed( physically, mentally or emotionally)  is nowhere near conducive and should be nipped in the bud before it even BEGINS to begin. That being said, if the situation isn't heavy in that respect then putting pride aside to mend something worth fixing, is not only admirable but considerate. If one chooses to use pride as an excuse for essentially ALL the failures they have come across thus far, pride will be the only thing said  individual will have left to his or her name in the days to come. I can't really speak for anybody else, but I know I'd choose flirty conversation, googly eyes and sweet nothings from someone you love over pride, in a heartbeat.

The Light.

Yesterday I meant to write, but the whole day passed me by. I was too busy learning things. About life and about people.  Some of the self-made hurdles that we as complex beings tend to carry, hinder our greatness. I've noticed a pattern, a very unfortunate one at that. The basis of all the things that we allow to to stop us, is fear. But see that's the thing, everything is scary before you actually do it. Nine times of ten, the cerebral manifestation of said fear is just that, a manifestation. Nothing solid. Nothing concrete. Based off of pessimism. Pissimism that is hidden heavily. Thoroughly buried under the guise of realism that "good things never happen to good people." I'm not going to lie either, I'm a highly flawed individual. When I get lost in the melancholy long enough, I think like that too. Stepping outside myself has made me realize that, that mindset alone is what will keep a good soul trapped. Why bear an unnecessary burden? Good things DO happen to good people, I assure you. It's just that as good people, we have to realize and respect the fact that these good things don't come easy. We have to continue to step in our own light, being kind, true and influential. Refusing to dim ourselves for anyone or thing. Actively  deciding to cut out and ignore who and whatever isn't reflecting the realness and purity we choose to nurture within ourselves. Showing the universe that we have EARNED what we are asking for. Good people must grasp and cling to this concept for dear life. Here's why, if we only fear what we don't understand and all things undone stem from fear, then we are sucessfully letting our on ignorance stop our growth dead in it's tracks. I will say this, impossible to shine when you're stagnant.

The Wonders of Kismet.

It's been forever and I just want to start off by saying Happy New Year.  So much has happened in my life over the past couple months, I had to take yet another hiatus, just to get myself together. Of course though, in honor of Black HERstory Month, I've risen from the ashes like a phoenix to properly begin a new year of dumping my innards. First and foremost, I just want to say that the doggie fever that I've been carrying for over a year now has finally been cured. I HAVE A FURBABY. Her name is Maya, and she's absolute perfection. I rescued her from a kill shelter in Brooklyn, on December 30th 2016. Since then, my life has been filled with such joy. Even in the midst of battling a bad bout of kennel cough, healing from a spay and getting justice for a UTI resulting from said spay, Maya has absolutely brightened  my days. She is the sweetest, most cuddly little thing. A Shih Tzu/Boston Terrier mix with the kindest demeanor. When I tell you she couldn't have come at a better time, its almost as if she was born for me to find and love her. I was at a very low point in my emotional and physical progress, Maya coming along was exactly what I needed. For a long time, I was considering BUYING a Frenchie.(I know, I know ADOPT DON'T BUY) The notion of buying got dismissed super quickly though. Especially after I looked on  that kill shelter site and came across her sweet little face. It was love at first sight, and I knew in my heart I couldn't leave her there. They listed her age at approximately one, which turned out to mean that she was at the end of her 10th month on earth when I met her. It is February 1st now and Maya will be one, February 15th. Which also happens to be the same day my older brother was born. Cute, right? I know. Words can't express how  grateful I am to have her in my life. It is a very humbling experience to have another being's life in your hands. It helps  you to further realize that the world is not just about you. Any action, at any time can set off a chain of events that can mean the difference between life and death. More than anything, I feel like Maya rescued me. My disposition is happier, and having a cute little lovebug to look after feels ridiculously validating. Our immediate connection and bond thus far, carries as totally deliberate.  Honestly, it seems as though, it was written out on paper and printed into a book that turned out to be my life. Maya and I are completely meant to be and I'm over the moon about it. 🐶💙

Binging with Brains.

When I'm not writing or being some sort of artsy, I'm Netflix binge-watching. Some things, I binge watch for the sake of hilarity. In order to pull my mind back from the crazy places it travels to on occasion. Every now and again, I come across a REAL gem. Almost all of the time, I never see it coming. About two days ago, I came across a series called 'Too Young To Die'. Basically, it's a show about different beloved icons who are no longer with us. Icons who died earlier than the world wanted them to, usually tragically. Anyone who knows me intimately, knows that at LEAST three times a month I pick a person from the stardom's passed  and become completely obsessed with them. Usually,  making it my perogative to learn everything there is to know about the way they lived and died. I've been enjoying this somewhat morbid "history lesson" hobby for as long as I could read, so this show was quite literally the BEST to me. It was actually really aggravating as well, because the apparently the seasons are  only ten episodes each.  What can I even DO with that? Ten episodes is how I warm up to a binge. Besides everyone knows that Hollywood has a way higher body count than that. Naturally, they had Heath Ledger, River Phoenix and Kurt Cobain for three of the 10 episodes. All of which, I have long ago obsessed over and learned everything about.  Although, I must admit to being quite pleased with the fact that they actually had the opportunity to talk to some, if not all of the people who knew them personally. The closeness of it was a nice touch. I was both surprised and happy to see that they committed an episode to Philip Seymour Hoffman, who I personally think was, is and always will be a brilliant actor. I was also more than excited that they included John Belushi. I dedicated more than a month to John, the year I turned 16. Afer being inspired by his brother James, and an episode of James' hit show  'According to Jim'. Anyway, there were few episodes of this Netflix gem that featured people that I'd never even heard of. Which I LOVED. It's always amazing to learn new things about pragmatic pieces of history. I'll always appreciate the gift of being informed. The common thread I've come across while watching these ten episodes, ten different people with completely different lives, all with the same unfortunate end. It hit me that no matter what the decade and the problems of the time, the common denominator is Fame. These ten people, whether from affluent or humble beginnings were all cursed with the burden of absolute greatness. It seems perfectly natural in my opinion, that some sort of insanity and the desire to escape it as such, would follow. To be completely honest it kind of puts a fear in me. Although I do not, in any way shame or form crave Fame, I do want to leave my mark globally. I do wish immortalized by my words whichever way I choose to leave them. Does my hope for some form of immortality automatically doom me to that unsettling fate? I sure hope not. That is what 'Too Young To Die' that I  just happen to stumble across on Netflix makes me think about. I personally love being made to think, because that is initially, how my best creativity ensues. Gotta love Netflix, inspiring us thinkers, one binge at a time.

My Nuna. 🎂

The first decade of my life, I was the only girl. Shortly after my  tenth year, my little sister was born. To the known world she was  Tormei  but at home she was just Nuna. I didn't know it when we  coined the nickname for her, but 'Nuna' means 'beautiful girl' in japanese. Ridiculously fitting, because my little sister was literally the most adorable baby I'd ever seen. And I'm not saying that because I'm biased. She had the chinkiest eyes and hair everywhere. Everywhere. Like an extremely well fed Baby Born doll. My mother used to dress her up in these little outfits like bathing suits and dresses and put her tiny self on her fur coats and have photo shoots. I was completely infatuated. The best part about my baby sister weirdly enough wasn't her laughter, it was the way she cried. She has the most hilarious cry because it was almost more of a vibration.  She would take her tongue and roll it against her gums to make that sound that comes out when you say a spanish 'R'. Some of the people in my family used tk pinch her cheeks just just so she would cry. As she got older, she became my right hand. To this day, noone in my neighborhood could even remember my adolescence without mentioning my sister. Everywhere I was, she was. At the time, I obviously didn't realize how much I would cherish those moments once they were gone. But now I know. She stayed by my side up until the day my mother told me to get out of her house. I was nineteen, she was nine. Today is her fourteenth birthday. I know it broke both of our hearts to be separated. She cried for me the day I left. And I hate the fact that I missed as much as I did. I missed so much of her pivitol 'coming into  myself years' and I know she's hurt about that. The fact that I told her I would never leave her side and was forced to soon after, has strained us. I don't  know everything the way I used to. Especially since there's  a whole new world to know. For that, I couldn't be more sorry. My sister was, is and always will be my shining star. Despite our ups and downs, and the fact that we haven't spoken in a while, I love her with all my heart. Happy Birthday Nuna!!!

High Priced.

We've got to stop thinking that people HAVE TO treat us how we treat them. The reason why people get hurt, the reason why hearts get broken is because people tend to put unspoken  expectations to their loved ones. Just because you are kind doesn't mean anyone has to reciprocate. Just because you love hard does not mean anyone has to return the favor. Expectation is the catalyst to disappointment. I can't really speak for everyone else. I do know that personally, I struggle with knowing when to let go. I am so hell-bent on seeing the best of everyone and cultivating whatever good qualities I may find into my own life , that I don't stop and think that maybe the search efforts are not worth the discovery. Anything that cost us our self-worth,  peace of mind and overall well-being it's too expensive. That's something that I know that I have to work on coming  to terms with on my own personal journey. Another hard and painful thing is accepting that a person may not be the person they were when you made the choice to believe in them, initially. People change, and not always for the better. We have to take notice to when these changes are causing us more harm than good. Everyone we love, isn't necessarily  meant to be in our lives. Hurting ourselves and dimming our light so someone else's can shine brighter is a suffering we have to learn how to avoid at all cost. We must learn to sacrifice for ourselves the way we do for others. We have to learn that that's okay to do, and that there's no need to apologize for it. It's perfectly fine that we love ourselves the way we love others, if not more. It's not easy but it's okay to do.