No Accidents.

I am driven by my emotions. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I think, and everything I write is emotionally deliberate. I don't believe there are any accidents, what is clothed as a coincidence initially, can turn out to be a vital part of an intricate plot in the grand scheme of things. The best thing about life, is that it allows the opportunity for  us mere mortals, to figure out as well as create and put together pieces of such plot. The thought of it is really poetic, in a painful kind of way. Purely off the basis that we're stuck with the burden of never really knowing who is in our lives to stunt and halt us or impact us and love us in such a profound way that the love lives on long after the body it was meant for expires. Due to, as well as in spite of everything that I'm forced to deal with on a daily basis, I've have had the pleasure of loving and getting to know some life-altering individuals. Some have passed on, and some are still here, yet the love is infinite and eternal. One person in particular, has held me emotionally captive since the day we met. Unknowingly, urging me to shed all comfort zones and get to know the woman I was, inside of the woman that everyone else sees. This person helped me maintain the grip on my pain, the way I am known to maintain the grip on my words. If there was a girl inside me, craving to be craved, itching to be desired and wanted and seen, I ignored her. Until this person tapped into her, despite the many facets she was hidden behind. It's not to say that others didn't or don't  care about me, it's not to say that people don't love me now. I have many loves. In many ways, for many reasons. But this particular love, felt and still feels so crucial to what is necessary for my functionality right now. Completely overwhelming, so easy to get lost in, so tempting to ignore reality for and so vividly effecting to my emotional programming. If it seems like a lot that's because it is, almost too much. Even writing about it feels taboo, as if the moment the love realizes that it is being expressed it is bound to escape me. So I keep it quiet most days , hidden inside of little things that are seen to be considerate little gestures , quiet little compliments and minor almost unnoticeable obedience. Simply because once said out loud from a  mouth such as mine , a feeling, a desire, a  love that consuming, is doomed to be doubted.