Heinous.

Happy November Everyone! I hope everyone's Halloween was fun and safe. I woke up with so much on my mind this morning. I couldn't decide  what to write about. I chose to really filter through my brain and whatever was still floating on the surface would be my topic. Today, the notion of fear chose to linger. Fear in terms of, being afraid to be one's best self for fear of being loved less and condemned more. It's been brought to my attention by a few of the people closest to me that sometimes,  even I change myself, quiet myself, dumb myself down and/or close myself off  far too often. Solely, to ease the minds of individuals that would  have a problem with me otherwise. One of my many Achilles Heels is the fact that I'm a natural-born people pleaser. I've always been that way, simply because the praise itself was its own reward. I've done so many things that I never wanted to do, to see someone else smile. From young, I prided myself on "being the little genius", "the golden child", "the special girl", the girl that's going to be "something spectacular one day". I loved having that title. I relished it.  To this day, apart of me just glows when I get complimented or praised on my intellect or savvy about so many things beyond my years. Gratefully, I came across a few people in my adolescent years, that taught me that it was okay to love myself and please myself as much as I enjoy pleasing others. Yet and still, the latter was so much easier to cope with because I ruffled less feathers that way. I was never the type to take pride in pissing people off or letting people down. To be honest, I still don't. At least now though, I handle the situation a little better when it arises. Everyday it's a process , Some days are sucessful, some days I fail epically. Every day, I try. I'll be the first to admit, that it's a lesson I'm still learning. We can't be afraid to be us. We can't let the things that people don't necessarily agree with, stop us from cultivating them and making them a part of us. Just because somebody sees things from a close-minded view doesn't mean we  in turn, have to make our opened minds, narrow. We don't need to placate their needs. The only real crime committed is making the conscious choice to hate and disown a part of ourselves  because someone we care about chose the judgmental path and frowned at us. We have to learn that if the choices we make aren't actively hurting others and going to actively destroy someone else. Or even more tragically, ourselves, then we need to stick by them. There's a difference between doing something someone doesn't like and doing something incredibly heinous. Heinous things need to be changed , ridiculed and reprimanded. Doing something that someone else doesn't like, is legitimately everyday life. That doesn't advocate for a pass to walk around  blindly hurting people and making them feel bad all the time. That's where instinct is supposed to kick in, especially if you're like myself, selfless and self-aware then you know what lines to not to cross and what boundaries to uphold. Some people have no sense of intuition. Not because they were denied a helping during creation but because their selfishness and single-mindedness prohibits them from tapping into it. That's  the definition of heinous if I was ever asked. We can't let selfish single-minded people tell us we're doing bad things by exuding honesty and loyalty first and foremost. If a person's overall agenda is  to think about only themselves, then who are they to tell anyone to put someone else's needs and wants first? Especially if they don't even know how to achieve that themselves. People like myself, are so often, so paralyzed with the fear that our purest selves will be shunned. So much so, that at the slightest hint of disapproval from someone we love, we then proceeded to completely disown and ignore who we truly are. Which is a habit that can't be broken fast enough. We need to work on accepting the fact that we are perfect the way we are. Even if people don't agree. Whether we love them or not. That's okay. It's going to be okay. Apologies are not necessary, when selfishness to the point of destroying another person, and single-mindedness to the point of complete obliviousness, AREN'T factors. It's perfectly okay to be oneself, as long as it's the best, purest, truest and happiest one.