Target.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to make any more friends because I don't wan't to lose any more people. Sometimes, I feel like as much as I love children, I don't want to be a mother. I'm afraid my black baby's life won't matter, and that the  permanent target he/she  born with on his/her back will be too bright to miss.  Last night, someone very near and dear to my heart was killed by a cop. His name was Lawrence but I called him Lottie. We went to middle school together, he was a bit of a knucklehead. I always had my head in a book so naturally, I adored him.  He was my chocolate brown, always down, BK clown. The DMX to my Aaliyah. We had a bit of puppy love, but beyond that he was my friend. One of the best.  He looked out for me. He was Brooklyn bred, with the aura to match. He showed it to everybody, but mostly me. Even as we got older, graduated, middle school, graduated high school started college we always kept in touch. His parents died in the middle of 8th grade, so he,  (along with his toddler siblings) was left in the care of his ederly grandmother. As time went on though, she got older and Lottie needed to take care of her, as well as his siblings. Which he did,  proudly, without complaint. Even when I got sick, he was one of the first people to ask me if I needed anything. He always took the time out of his week just to see if I was ok.  Waay back, in school, he was actually one of the first people to tell me that I had any talent, writing wise. Lottie was a very smart young man, he just made many self sabotaging decisions. Like going to college and getting his pre law degree but not going to Law School because according to him "the money was to slow" and "leaving the kids ain't an option". The cop that killed my dear, dear friend probably saw him as a thug, with temper problems and no future. Lottie was, Lottie IS so much more than that.  Lottie is a black young man, who took pride in his ability to provide for his family. He is educated and caring and kind and loving. And now Lottie is dead. By no fault of his own. My heart is broken, because I can't do anything but tell his story and make sure people know, there was more to him then the snapback, jordans and True Religion jeans he was killed in. Lottie was a HUMAN BEING, and to have him snuffed out by some dirty cop with a God-complex, is something I will NEVER forgive, NOR "get over." I'll miss him, simply because I loved his heart. Still do. Always will. I can only hope that with time I'll gain understanding and clarity. That peace will return to me once again, so the grief won't feel so overwhelming. Until then, I will mourn hard, and analyze hard and remember hard, so that the murder of my friend Lawrence, will have a purpose.